Feeling a bit hurt to be left out of bridal party/hen

[Bounty9]

I have been with DH for 12 years, married for 4. SIL and I have always got along well, had nights out together, afternoon teas, spa days. Admittedly not best of friends, but always friends. She was one of my bridesmaids along with 2 of my closest friends and my sister. We both have children now who have play dates and we babysit her kids. I planned her baby showers and am friendly with her friends, including her maid of honour.

She’s getting married soon, DD (3) is her flower girl. Fair enough, I’m not a bridesmaid. I get it, it’s expensive, but I haven’t been invited to her hen either - which lots of people are going to, it’s a bottomless brunch and a night out which we used to do a lot pre-kids.

I am feeling a bit hurt by it. I’m going to keep quiet and just let it go obviously but DH doesn’t get it. I just wanted to voice it because I feel meh. I’m being sensitive aren’t I 😂

Are you from outside the UK? I've never heard of a bride inviting every woman attending the wedding to a hen do

sherbertcandy · Today 09:58
Rather than all this I would just grab the bull by the horns and call her. Just say you know about the hen night and it's really hurt you your not invited and from now on things will be different between you both

WTAF @sherbertcandy

interesting username you have there!

Oh wow, that's horrible then.

You know what, OP? If she doesn't want to invite you and doesn't want to say why, let her. Just let her do it. Do nothing. Please don't send your husband in as a flying monkey to dig for info, especially over something wedding related. So many unnecessary fights and fallouts are started over wedding stuff because emotions are high.

Just let her do her hen do how she wants. It's one day. Your life as a family will hopefully continue 5, 10, 20 years from now and it will be easier going forward if you have just let this go.

I know! I've been posting under it for a while. I'm sure you can check using the search function.

then I think your circles are quite unusual. I literally just googled hen do and the first website I came across says:

Here are some of the common key attendees:

• Bride – The guest of honour at her hen party!
• Maid of honour/bridesmaids – The maid of honour typically takes the lead in organising the hen do. Bridesmaids often help with planning.
• Mother of the bride – Mothers are commonly invited, especially if they are close to the bride.
• Sisters – Both the bride’s sisters and those who are like sisters to her are crucial attendees.
• Close friends – This includes childhood friends, university pals, coworkers, and any other significant female associates of the bride. Nowadays, this also extends to close male friends who have been significant in the bride’s life.
• Aunts, cousins, grandmothers – Extended female family members are also often invited.
• Future sisters-in-law – Inviting the bride’s future sisters-in-law helps them bond.

You really should have included in your OP that you had a falling out with your MIL last summer. This is important information and obviously why you haven’t been invited. How are people supposed to give you advice when you leave something as major as this out of your OP?

Exactly

@Berlinlover because DH and I had a tiff with MIL in November.. our relationship with SIL is unchanged? The Christmas weekend away trip was MIL, SIL and I.. which happened after that. We’ve organised a Mother’s Day afternoon tea for the 3 of us. It’s not relevant to this post? Life has moved on since then.

she paled in comparison in MIL eyes - there has been obvious favouritism the entire time, and it's been pretty exhausting, ending in quite a big argument last September on a big family holiday, which marked the end of group holidays

and you said it has never been the same since between you, SiL and MIL

why deny it Op… I mean, it’s all there

@Madewithchilli please read that thread properly, and I quote “we do meet up with SIL and her family without GP’s - the kids get on great as they are so close in age. I have no bad feelings towards SIL as I know she’s not the one urging this.”

It’s unfortunate that you’re unable to get your facts straight. We had a falling out with my husbands mother.. not his sister. This also happened a long time ago, so is irrelevant.

Sorry if this has been asked already but will your MIL be at the hen party?

clearly, clearly - you have a very civil relationship with SIL

But she and her mother are VERY close and you have been sidelined since children. And rightfully feel upset at the blatant favouritism for SIL’s children.

You say it hasn’t been the same again between you SILand MIL. That is literally what you say.

She’s prioritising her mother

@Berlinlover no, MIL isn’t going! So the whole falling out with MIL is irrelevant anyway and is completely derailing this 😂 SIL and I are absolutely fine and meet up weekly.

A massive family argument in the summer meaning no more family holidays ever again?

@Madewithchilli an argument with MIL that meant no group holidays, because of MILs actions.

Like I said, SIL and I meet up weekly, I still babysit her children, we still do social things. This is completely separate to my relationship with MIL (which is much improved) and irrelevant as MIL is not attending the hen do anyway. I think I’d sort of understand your point if she was.

Anyway, thank you to those who did give advice on this thread. It’s been helpful.

Is there any chance that the reason she isn't inviting you is that you are family, she wants to let her hair down without it all being reported back to family?

Ok well it would appear she knows her mother wouldnt feel comfortable and she is her priority

It was a week in Paris that was doomed from the start tbh, because we’d already felt like MIL was playing favourites but a week all shoved in one house together just brought it to light. She carried DGS everywhere the whole time (even though SIL asked her to let him walk) and when my DD asked to hold her hand/be picked up she would say no, sorry, she was holding DGS. She didn’t play with her or try to interact with her, despite DD’s attempts. We asked if she wanted to come on some rides with us at Disney after she had been on some with DGS and she refused and stayed with SIL. Even SIL was pissed off at the end, because her son wanted nothing to do with her and was permanently attached to MIL. It all came to a head one evening when DD was trying to get her attention and she was ignoring her in favour of DGS - there were crossed words, DH said if it didn’t balance out, then we’d have to pull back when we got home. We got an earlier Eurostar home because we had had enough and it just ended pretty badly.

Sounds like one helleva of a Barney!

your SIL seems very reasonable but her mother is her priority

Was MIL also not invited or did she refuse to go?

I don't think they're that unusual, given some of the other replies here.

I wouldn't have half the people on that list at my hen do. My mum wouldn't be invited, for example- I'd be having a boozy night out, which she'd have absolutely zero interest in coming to (and I would hate having her there).

Sorry if that disagrees with the google list!

It doesn't really matter. I'm sure there aren't rules. Just some cultural or generational differences perhaps. I'm from Scotland. And maybe some places in Scotland do it differently. Traditionally the "hen" do here would consist of all the women who'd be at the wedding (much like the list above) and at some point they would go round pubs or doors if held locally and bang the "pots and pans" collecting money for the couple. That part of it has kinda of died out a bit. I suppose it was from a time when young working class couples would be starting their lives together after the wedding and wouldn't have much.

OP, you babysit her kids - but does she babysit yours?
If she is not inviting you to the hen do and inviting work colleagues, I would pull back.
She can ask the bridesmaids to organise the hen do and babysit. Don't be used and taken for granted.
Good luck

@Bounty9 Has your DH said anything yet? If you don’t feel like you want to send a text questioning it, I definitely think he should make an enquiry in a wondering sort of way and react in a “Oh why not, that’s weird” if she says you’re not invited. I know you say you’re kind of at peace with it, but I would just want it to be out there because how you’ve described the relationship and dynamic, I think it’s really strange that you’re not invited and strange that it’s not even been mentioned.

Everyone can do a hen do as they like- you aren’t obligated to follow any list- my point was simply that most people understand a hen do isn’t just a party for a bride and her mates. It is usually a night out (or weekend away) for different friends and family of the bride to go out and bond and get to know each other. It makes the wedding also more fun as quite a few unconnected people have met each other beforehand. When someone doesn’t follow that convention then it can easily be seen how some people get offended and upset. I can sympathise with the OP because she would just assume she was an obvious invitee.

I had my mum and MiL at my hen do and actually come to think of it I think pretty much every hen do I have been to had the mums there. We didn’t do crazy boozy nights out though. There was alcohol but I think pretty much all the hen dos I have been to we did an activity. I had a murder mystery night, my best friend had cocktail making. One friend did have a stripper and I swear her mum was the most enthusiastic!