Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Knowing marriage is over

514 replies

thelab · 08/03/2025 22:21

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 10/03/2025 12:56

"He said he swears for the children’s sake that is all."

Any man using this phrase has 100% done a lot more than he's admitting.

OP, when you can catch your breath, I suggest you read Chumplady's 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life'.

BloominNora · 10/03/2025 13:01

She clearly didn't know he was married with kids from the message she sent him.

I'd be tempted to message her again - say you are not mad at her, but would like to know what happened from her POV.

If she corroborates his story you can decide what do going forward knowing that he was at least truthful when he came clean. If he's lied, the decision will be much, much easier.

If what he has said turns out to be true, it would actually be the name calling rather than a drunken kiss and a few messages that would do it for me - infidelity is one thing and many people do get past it, but emotional abuse is an absolute red line.

Zippymonkey · 10/03/2025 13:01

You are likely to have to make a decision without many clear answers. The only clear information is that he had lied and cheated. As well as treating you terribly.
Don’t be pushed to make a decision before you are ready. And if you need space before you decide, then ask for him to go to his dad’s so you can get your head straight.

BigBoysDontCry · 10/03/2025 13:06

It's all very sad OP. I feel for you and what you'll be going through. I agree with PPs, I think he needs to go to his Dad's for the moment and he can prove himself as a co-parent from a bit of a distance and you take the time to get your own head straight.

Personally I couldn't stay with him but everyone is entitled to make their own decisions. Make those for you as ultimately that will also be what is best for the DC. I'd attempt to keep it all as matter of fact and amenable as you can in front of them. They don't need to know that their Dad is a shit.

Omgblueskys · 10/03/2025 13:11

thelab · 10/03/2025 12:20

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. Some of you have sent lovely long messages, sharing your own experiences too. I’m not really functioning at the moment as my head is spinning, but just to acknowledge them and thank you. I’m sorry you’ve all had to go through similar experiences too, it’s really bloody awful. It is heartening to hear how you’ve now rebuilt though.

I’ve had a small bit of sleep. The story from him is they went to a bar and these girls arrived. They started talking and at some point she ended up with his phone and putting her number in, then sending a message to herself so she had his. Most of his friends left to go inside at this point, leaving him outside still with one friend. I don’t take away any of his guilt at all, but I just also cannot, as 2 of them have children, see how any of them just stood by and let him get into this position, knowing he has a wife and children at home. None of them have messaged him since he left either.

Anyway, he says he was so drunk he can’t remember what encouragement or how it got to this point. They then went off to a takeaway together and she apparently kissed him for a few seconds but he didn’t stop her. Again, he can’t tell me what got to this point other than saying, it just have been some sort of banter gone too far. She then got in a taxi and left and he went and got himself another beer! I told him you don’t go off for a takeaway, something you do at the end of the night, without it being the intention of ‘something’ following this, e.g. back to the hotel. I also told him it’s telling how his priority was to get another beer rather than think of me and contact me to own up.

He exchanged messages with her all the next day. Apparently there weren’t that many but they’re deleted and he can’t remember what was said. He thinks the gist was her messaging first to ask if he was hungover, then brief chit chat about the rugby, if they were going out to watch it/where etc. This is the bit that hurts the most. If you’re so ashamed and sorry, it’s just so evil to then carry on messaging them, when it should have been me to own up. I’ve told him I have no doubt that had I not contacted him and we spoke on the phone, forcing myself back into his mind, he would have met up with her Saturday night and god knows what else.

I’ve also told him that it’s bad enough what he’s done, but to continue to message that person the next day, call me such abusive names knowing what he’d done and then to drag it out, lying and story changing so many times, is another level of evil.

He is adamant he only saw her on the Friday night and it was just a kiss. He said he swears for the children’s sake that is all. He told me she messaged him on the Sunday morning, a screenshot of the message I sent her, saying, I’ve received this strange message, are you saying you’re the MrTheLab who’s married with 2 children. He told me he didn’t reply and only at this point thought to delete and block her.

I’ve been through his group chat and there wasn’t any response at all. I think some of them are angry at him because I told the most ‘loud’ partner and just told her to be wary that they could have done the same. He then sent him a shirty message telling H to ‘sort it out’ so I’d assume he’s had some grief.

My head is spinning and I need to take some time to come to terms with what’s happened and the gravity of my whole life changing before I even knew. I know I can never trust him again. He’s saying everything he wants now - he’s had a massive wake up call, he has an unhealthy attitude to drinking, we’re what matters and he’ll do anything to prove it and be a better person. The problem is, when someone has lied to you so many times, you can’t believe them anymore.

Op as for his friends well am afraid most of them would of encouraged this behaviour it's a male ego thing, brownie points within the friendship, most men when on these types of weekends away lose their Moral Compass
That's being if they had one before hand, the ' boys' love this behaviour, weekend wouldn't of been as fun if a few hadn't got there leg over, honestly and they will be as thick as thieves, your handling this great gorgeous as shitty you feel right now,

rubberduck68 · 10/03/2025 13:27

Unless you use the "C" word freely together, your husband calling you that is not okay. Do you realise how little regard and respect a man needs to have for his wife to call her that? You are the mother of his children! The change of story shows that he was floundering when caught out, which means he has been pursuing another woman, then has the audacity to make himself the victim. It's called DARVO (look it up). Please stop approaching her, that won't end well because if you think about it, she's sure as hell not going to be on your side. Use this time while he is away to get your ducks in a row because he's going to gaslight the crap out of you when he gets home. I'd pack up his shit and drive it to his mate's house, change the locks, get your financials in order and hire a lawyer. As the title of your thread says, you know where this is going, so get a head start.

TJM123 · 10/03/2025 13:32

thelab · 10/03/2025 12:20

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. Some of you have sent lovely long messages, sharing your own experiences too. I’m not really functioning at the moment as my head is spinning, but just to acknowledge them and thank you. I’m sorry you’ve all had to go through similar experiences too, it’s really bloody awful. It is heartening to hear how you’ve now rebuilt though.

I’ve had a small bit of sleep. The story from him is they went to a bar and these girls arrived. They started talking and at some point she ended up with his phone and putting her number in, then sending a message to herself so she had his. Most of his friends left to go inside at this point, leaving him outside still with one friend. I don’t take away any of his guilt at all, but I just also cannot, as 2 of them have children, see how any of them just stood by and let him get into this position, knowing he has a wife and children at home. None of them have messaged him since he left either.

Anyway, he says he was so drunk he can’t remember what encouragement or how it got to this point. They then went off to a takeaway together and she apparently kissed him for a few seconds but he didn’t stop her. Again, he can’t tell me what got to this point other than saying, it just have been some sort of banter gone too far. She then got in a taxi and left and he went and got himself another beer! I told him you don’t go off for a takeaway, something you do at the end of the night, without it being the intention of ‘something’ following this, e.g. back to the hotel. I also told him it’s telling how his priority was to get another beer rather than think of me and contact me to own up.

He exchanged messages with her all the next day. Apparently there weren’t that many but they’re deleted and he can’t remember what was said. He thinks the gist was her messaging first to ask if he was hungover, then brief chit chat about the rugby, if they were going out to watch it/where etc. This is the bit that hurts the most. If you’re so ashamed and sorry, it’s just so evil to then carry on messaging them, when it should have been me to own up. I’ve told him I have no doubt that had I not contacted him and we spoke on the phone, forcing myself back into his mind, he would have met up with her Saturday night and god knows what else.

I’ve also told him that it’s bad enough what he’s done, but to continue to message that person the next day, call me such abusive names knowing what he’d done and then to drag it out, lying and story changing so many times, is another level of evil.

He is adamant he only saw her on the Friday night and it was just a kiss. He said he swears for the children’s sake that is all. He told me she messaged him on the Sunday morning, a screenshot of the message I sent her, saying, I’ve received this strange message, are you saying you’re the MrTheLab who’s married with 2 children. He told me he didn’t reply and only at this point thought to delete and block her.

I’ve been through his group chat and there wasn’t any response at all. I think some of them are angry at him because I told the most ‘loud’ partner and just told her to be wary that they could have done the same. He then sent him a shirty message telling H to ‘sort it out’ so I’d assume he’s had some grief.

My head is spinning and I need to take some time to come to terms with what’s happened and the gravity of my whole life changing before I even knew. I know I can never trust him again. He’s saying everything he wants now - he’s had a massive wake up call, he has an unhealthy attitude to drinking, we’re what matters and he’ll do anything to prove it and be a better person. The problem is, when someone has lied to you so many times, you can’t believe them anymore.

Have you noticed how it’s all her? She put her number in, she kissed him, she did this and that. Have you ever known a woman to do all that with no come on from the man?? Why would she suddenly leave the takeaway in a taxi??

You know it’s bollocks OP. Remember the names he called you, he doesn’t respect you. He’s just scared of losing his cushy little life now.

Ive read some sad posts on this thread of people who put up with this behaviour and clearly feel trapped with a partner they don’t trust. Don’t be them ❤️

TequilaNights · 10/03/2025 13:32

So sorry your going through this OP.

I'm with the other poster that would want to speak to the lady and see if the story matches.

Take your time but remember your DH had changed his story so many times and only 'came clean' since she sent him the screenshot of your message to her.. seems a bit suss.

MyrtleLion · 10/03/2025 13:34

Needhelp101 · 10/03/2025 12:56

"He said he swears for the children’s sake that is all."

Any man using this phrase has 100% done a lot more than he's admitting.

OP, when you can catch your breath, I suggest you read Chumplady's 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life'.

Harry Kane did this. Swore on his daughter's life he had touched a ball but hadn't. Known cheater as well.

If you have to swear something you're lying.

rubberduck68 · 10/03/2025 13:35

TJM123 · 10/03/2025 13:32

Have you noticed how it’s all her? She put her number in, she kissed him, she did this and that. Have you ever known a woman to do all that with no come on from the man?? Why would she suddenly leave the takeaway in a taxi??

You know it’s bollocks OP. Remember the names he called you, he doesn’t respect you. He’s just scared of losing his cushy little life now.

Ive read some sad posts on this thread of people who put up with this behaviour and clearly feel trapped with a partner they don’t trust. Don’t be them ❤️

Show quote history

This. With bells on.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2025 13:37

@thelab

Frankly, I'd tell them if he really wants to heal the marriage, he can prove that to you by staying elsewhere 'for a bit' and giving you time to get your head straight. It isn't going to help you to process what's happened having him in your face making fake gestures of contrition. Tell him to stay with his folks, a mate, just somewhere else.

You need time and space to process all this calmly and in peace.

rubberduck68 · 10/03/2025 13:45

Dear OP. The "C" word: The first time my ex-husband called me this I was holding our baby daughter and said I needed to just pop to the shops before his friend arrived for an afternoon drinking session in the local pub, he was annoyed that this would delay their fun and said, "why are you such a C?" Looking back, I kind of fell out of love with him there and then, and I often wished I'd left him that day, but then that would mean wishing away my beautiful son who was born two years later. After he called me that a second time, and I read an email between him and his mate (Godfather to my daughter) calling me "The C". I divorced him. You cannot stay married to a man who calls you that, please don't.

YouHaveAWomansHand · 10/03/2025 13:50

It was banter gone too far?! Wow. I wonder if he'd see it as banter gone too far if this was the other way around.

As others have said, I'd be trying to retrieve those messages as that's the only sure way of getting some truth, or if that isn't possible, contact her myself to see if their stories match in the slightest. Even if they did, you'll never be able to trust him again and that is a huge issue going forwards.
I've experienced infidelity (although not to the extent you are experiencing right now) and honestly, 10 years on I'm still having problems with trust.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 13:55

Oh dear, I am so sorry you are going through this but you and the DCs will come out the other side in a much better situation. Bad marriages really take it out of you and it’s hard to believe now how good you will feel when this is over. I think the nastiness can be the hardest part: you have to become an even nastier, conniving, ruthless chess player. Also, the surprise of what a lying slimeball he actually has been can leave you questioning yourself but don’t do so — these guys seem to operate from the exact same script and playbook and you are in good company. Hang in there and don’t start believing his gaslighting accusations. As for the other woman, pity her. She has no clue what she’s stepped into but it’s her problem, not yours. ❤️

DubheYouCantBeSirius · 10/03/2025 14:23

Any man that told me to fuck off would come home to find that I had indeed actually fucked off.

The last time he spoke to me would be the last time I ever spoke to him.

Nikki75 · 10/03/2025 14:30

Bluenotgreen · 10/03/2025 12:34

No. It’s too late. Once the trust has gone, the relationship is effectively over. People limp along for a few years sometimes but why the fuck should you? 💐

I agree with this .. start making moves now don't put a sticking plaster on the wounds.
Be brave and get your ducks in a row x

Tricho · 10/03/2025 14:31

Agree with PP that its conveniently "all her". As if.

Mix56 · 10/03/2025 14:45

So how is he proposing to change? Has he stepped up with the kids? Done any work? Cleared up the kitchen? Asked you if he can shop/cook ? Dine his laudry, or just left it in a pile? Booked counseling?
Or is he simply moping?
Please tell me you did not let him sleep in the same bed ? He needs to feel the discomfort, even if you decide to sweep this episode under the carpet...
Is he still going to football? To the wedding?
How much of this contrition is actually manifesting itself?
Theortical question, I can guess the answer

Mrsknowitall · 10/03/2025 14:56

was It over I message or WhatsApp that he messaged her on as if it was iMessage then you can look in the recently deleted folder.

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 10/03/2025 15:01

The guy is emotionally abusive, a liar and a cheat. The way he gaslighted you, lied to you and attacked like a cornered rat says it all. Classic abuser behaviour is to call you controlling to make you easier to control - calling you a nag to make you the person with negative behaviour rather than them. Attack a person, break them down and then throw them crumbs to make them grateful to have you. I would leave him asap, if he changes it will be temporary as it is who he is, a spoilt man child always goes back to spoilt man child behaviour.

I hate to say it but the way he gave you a tiny bit more information each time you talked was because he was caught and he was trying to see how much he could get away with omitting. I suspect she wasn’t the first and it is unlikely that it was just a kiss. Check his phone’s “recently deleted” folder! I would personally message her again and say “My husband tells me that you put your number in his phone and that you kissed him but it ended there, could you please let me know if he is telling the truth”. I think even if he is telling the truth the way he treats you is awful. Please leave him for your sake and your kids - you don’t want them learning that this is the male/female dynamic.

I would also see a therapist if you can, between your childhood and your toxic husband you have been through a lot. It is very easy to lose yourself as a mother and a wife, particularly when you have been treated so poorly for years! I hope we see you post in the future to say that you left him, got your promotion and qualifications and have starred horse riding again! Look after yourself, we are all rooting for you!

BeckhamsBalls · 10/03/2025 15:04

Ok, the mates not knowing.

I was married over 25 years, very good friends with the husbands and wife friends.

They all knew, they encouraged it for banter...I was the only one in the dark.

Boys support boys, they will be keeping his secrets for him - trust me!

simsissy · 10/03/2025 15:12

Get her to screen shot the messages and send them to you? If she will. My 22 year partner slept with another women on new year night while I was next door, I went to look for him ( pissed and though he might have hurt himself or something) and found him in bed with her. Said it was the only time, but guess you never know, we have been try to work it out, I’m scared to leave him alone for 5 minutes incase he does again, very sad pathetic state to be in but we both said we want to try again. Said it was a moment of madness, was out of his mind, also can’t remember a thing about it. Start out as just falling asleep next to her. She also knew we were together and I was next door. Woman should look out for each other x

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/03/2025 15:50

Ah, so he managed to keep the conversation focused on the Benidorm woman and nothing else?

Not about his aggressive tirade at you? Calling you a "manipulative c word, a snake, a lying c word, how I’m a prison"?

Not about his normal behaviour - "It’s mostly been him like a teenager - the messiness but on a ridiculous scale, even disorganisation at work and struggling to manage life admin or cleaning"?

Not about how little effort he makes with you, what with the "boring evenings ... where he just falls asleep" whereas with his friends "he’d be so excited and making all the effort"?

Not about how how he's a lazy pig in the house, leaving all the domestic chores and the mental load to you and only ever making more work for you using weaponised incompetence and/or complaining if he is asked to do anything? ("I’m always scared to assert anything for being accused of being controlling etc.")

Not about how he's a lazy pig at work, rarely meeting deadlines and worrying you that he'll be let go?

Not about how he keeps you in the dark about how much he earns, and mishandles joint money so that things are costing you more than they should?

Not about his wholesale refusal to step up and be a husband, a father - a man?

No, of course not. He just wanted to draw your attention away from just how bad your marriage has become and focus on Benidorm Woman, who is, compared to the years of treating you like a skivvy, completely irrelevant.

Look at what you wrote earlier.

"I barely spoke to him yesterday just as I didn’t have time. I took the children out for the day, sun was shining and we had a lovely day. I actually felt calm and in control, albeit a bit happy, until this. The house is tidy, everything has its place and I’m not running about, stressed about mess, which is me usually, then I get told I’m a nag."

Calm. In control. Happy. Not running about stressed.

That's how your life could be, without this disrespectful man in it.

Genevieva · 10/03/2025 15:53

Your marriage doesn't sound irrecoverable from your first post. Marriage counselling, good conversations about how to communicate better, sharing the burden of house, kids and bills, etch can help. Also, some couples time, where it is you he is going away and doing something fun with. Otherwise, you create a structure in which resentment is inevitable, when it doesn't need to be.

Genevieva · 10/03/2025 15:56

thelab · 08/03/2025 23:42

So - I’ve just spoken to him and that took a turn!

I don’t advocate for snooping usually but the way he’s been, set off the gut feeling of something wrong. I went on his iPad, not to social media but literally just his contacts. He had a new girl’s name saved in there.

Throughout the call he wasn’t his usual self anyway, very guarded and almost trying to detach from me, saying it had been nice to be there without me twisting and here I was trying to ruin it. That set me off more, so I mentioned her first name in passing.

He went absolutely nuclear, accusing me of going through his social media yet saying the only person with that name was someone from a school tutor group, years ago. I kept saying if I had, there surely wouldn’t be anything to see from someone years ago. He refused to answer this and started calling me a barrage of names such as a manipulative c word, a snake, a lying c word, how I’m a prison, his mental health is in decline because I’m ruining his time with friends etc etc.

We’ve had discussions at home about the relationship and trying to make it better and he’d never say anything like that, just that of course he still loves me etc otherwise he wouldn’t be here still.

He then changed the story to, well he did know this girl, but it was his friend who met her last night and didn’t have his phone so he was using DH’s (sure he said he’s been using it today to message her off too though).

The reaction and the fact if it was your friend (who’d have their phone pretty soon after), you’d just have the number there and not save it - it’s him isn’t it?

Well that is very different from your OP. I am very sorry you are going through this. But remember, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.