Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

Ugh. This sounds a lot like mine. Down to the feeling “controlled and in prison” because he can’t go out and get wrecked! he doesn’t have a “life anymore” and it’s all my fault. I’m so “unreasonable” compared to everyone else’s partners, apparently.

Anyway. He, too, went on a boys weekend away last year when our youngest was only a couple months old.

I recently went through his messages and found some from that weekend he’d forgot to delete to… you guessed it…. escorts.

Allegedly it was “not for him” but a stupid idea for “everyone” that was never for actual sex but rather something instead of a strip club. Pass me the sick bucket, please!

Looking at the time stamps he had been acfively ignoring my texts and texting/calling escorts at the same time.

Lol men are so gross, my daughter was 4 months old when I found my boyfriend had messaged an escort. Randomly. On a weekday, I think he must have been at work!!!! Lies and says he thought she was a masseuse 🤣 it’s laughable but he won’t tell the truth so no point prodding. I don’t think he met her, he says he didn’t. But I’ve given him another chance simply because I’m not ready to do this on my own, with a baby. Other than the lack of intimacy our relationship is good, we laugh together, been through a lot together, he’s my best friend.. but I genuinely don’t think men’s brains work properly. We’re starting therapy next week. How did things for u end up?

🤮 we are still together too. Weirdly after the whole revelation and fighting was over, we were closer and better than ever.

Recently though, my feelings have changed and I don’t know how I can possibly carry on with him. It’s not even the only thing he’s done!

He swears blind it was a stupid mistake, he’ll never go on another boys night again etc 🤨🙄

Of course these escorts were polar opposites to me. One in her 50’s and one early 20’s that looks like a friend of mine! I was able to link their numbers to the ads. Obviously made it much more real.

Although it’s shit that this has happened to us, I’m really glad I saw your comment on this. It makes me feel less alone, I’ve been spiralling tonight. It happened just over a month ago, and at first I was so upset and disappointed, more like this can’t ever happen again. Thinking at least he didn’t meet her, it wasn’t physical etc. But now I’m a bit like… was it? What don’t I know? Am I just waiting for it to happen again to leave, months or years away? One day we’ll be fine and have fun the next I’m looking at him like 🤨 not sure what I should be doing. This post has made me feel sick too.!

I’ve felt really off tonight as the place the escort was from popped up on tv & I’ve been overthinking it all since.

He wrote ‘to my soul mate’ in my valentines card, so I said to him tonight, do you think we’re soul mates, really? And he took ages to answer. He said ‘well do you think we are? I know you’re texting people about me’ I said ‘what no I’m not (I was writing on here lol) plus I asked you, what do you think?’ And he didn’t answer. I turned away. Now I’m wide awake thinking. :(

Aw, yeah I feel the same. It was comforting to see I’m not alone!

About six months before the escorts, I went through his phone again and caught him obsessively watching cam girls and then it came out he’d got messed up one night and PAID for a couple only fans subscriptions, and I also saw a Google search for OF models in our city.

Obviously this cause huge arguments and he swore if he knew it would be a problem he’d have never done it, ashamed he’s hurt me, never again…then obvs did the escort thing months later. Even worse!

who knows about the soul mates. Would a romantic soulmate do what these idiots have done to us? No way. I wish I had the strength to leave, but we have two kids, eldest is 4
And both adore him. I’m terrified of damaging their childhood but what kind of a role model am I tolerating this? They’ll find out when they’re adults I’m sure.

i feel like I have PTSD from it. Sometimes I get flashbacks to the messages I read and wince!

That sucks, I am sorry, and I hate to say it but I wouldn’t put it past mine to do something similar either. Probs has 🤣 He did mess up a few years ago, but I’d gotten over it. Fell pregnant Feb 24 and were over the moon - assumed this was it now - we’ve grown up! But no. We’re currently trying to move and will need bank statements and he was being weird about uploading his January statement, it could have been that he just Cba to do it but my overthinking brain now things somethings on there. I asked him straight up if he’d ever sent anyone any money or paid for anything and he says no, so I guess I have to try and trust. Even if he had, I think I could have gotten past it, it’s just the not knowing about all the other shit.. what else you up to.. you know? I like you have suffered from this so bad, my MH was shit as it is 🤦🏻‍♀️

Part of me thinks, I guess he’s just a guy, and guys literally have no brain. And what they do have is impulsivity*. And they probably, genuinely don’t really know how what they’re doing is going to play out, or how bad it is until it’s too late. But then the other half of me is like he’s a twat. That’s all.
Idk if you can see my post but I was saying this is the last chance. I do everything for our LO, so if he wasn’t here it’s not like I’d die but I would really miss him, I’d be heartbroken and hate being alone.

He was accusatory until he got caught out and is now remorseful. You can probably bet he spent the night with her and then saw you sent her a message the next morning. Now panic sets in and he knows you know something and is apologetic and trying to fix it no doubt buying her silence in some way. Best case scenario he cheated anyway by sneaking off and at the bare minimum kissed her after verbally assaulting his wife and mother of his children. He is disgusting. The actions are bad enough, but the vile way he felt he was able to speak to you is unforgivable. And that his friends are all in on it too is absolutely horrendous. You deserve better OP. Alcohol is not an excuse either. It doesn't make you cheat.

OP, my heart goes out to you. Not in the same situation but I feel similar. It’s so hard when your lives are intertwined and children are involved. Do whatever you think is right. People will say ‘leave him now’ like it’s that simple, of course, you should he’s a jerk but. Just make sure you look after you first ❤️

Thinking of you @thelab. I hope he's home soon and you can get some answers.

Thank you, he’s in a taxi so I believe.
The person that said he needed a trophy for husband of the year, also needs one for dad of the year too. It’s not just me this impacts and what example do I want to set to either of them. We have a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, I don't think I mentioned specifics before.

I lost count of how many times he changed his story. So many lies.
He sounds emotionally immature and once you’ve seen the nastiness they’re capable if I’m afraid you can never unsee it.
Im sorry OP, agree with pps who suggest legal advice and a way forward without him.

I don’t know why, this all and the lack of sleep is sending me a bit crazy but I asked him to show me what he said to his friends about him coming home.
Great couple of days cheating on your wife haha!

Sending hugs OP. Do whatever you think is right for you. Spend the time while you're waiting for him to arrive to work out exactly what that is.

Try to get some sleep. If you think its because you don't want to give him time to think of a story, he already has had time, on the way home from the trip.

Why does he get to keep you up so you're tired for your babies? He'll still be there tomorrow. ❤️

I really wouldn't be up and waiting for him. The last thing you want is a showdown in the middle of the night when you're both tired and anxious, my love. Far better to do it tomorrow when you're both off work ❤️

Thinking of you, hope you get some sort of resolution, either way x

Sorry you didn’t sleep last night, try make that a priority after schhol run before talking to him.
Beware of trauma bonding - it sounds like this is going to happen as I do think deep down you care and would want to try and patch things up ( I may d wrong here). Just make sure the first thing he does is book an STi infection in case you do let him near you, it does sound like he’s going to try everything to get you back tbh. No judhement. His message you screen shotted earlier this morning really pissed me off tbh, stlll talking like Billy big balls!

Sorry for typos, making my tea right now !

Hi op. I've read all of your posts but not all the responses, so I may be repeating something that's been said many times.

His focus will be on what happened this weekend, and ways to minimise it / ensure you don't find out the full story / explain his reasons for doing it (which at some point will be partyl your fault I imagine) and promise it will never happen again.

Even if this was a one-off weekend of madness (and I couldn't forgive that, but some people might), it doesn't make things OK.

Forget this weekend for a minute, and look at how you described your marriage before this. He was already immature, preferred being with his mates to his family, lied and kept info from you, let you down repeatedly to go out with his friends, prioritised organising holidays with his friends and his brother ober his wife and children, gaslighted you saying you were in the wrong to object to any of this, blamed you for his life not being how he wanted it.

How is he going to change all of that and put it right?

And then the weekend. He's lied, cheated, ignored, cause you huge stress, called you vile names, denied, blamed you......

We're behind you. Remember what's right for you and the children. His opinions / feelings don't come into it at this stage. You don't have to make any fast decisions. You can think about this quietly, and gather information and advice without him knowing, then make a decision when you're ready.

Did he definitely go with friends? His evasiveness ahead of the trip suggests it was a planned trip with an OW to me or am I missing something?

@thelab he will be thinking he at least has done good by coming home a day earlier than the rest of them!! give him a round of applause for that!!

FGS! I’d have changed the locks before he came back! What on earth are you thinking? He sounds vile, you sound lovely and like a coper. You can do this alone. You’ve got a good job and prospects, he sounds lazy and rude. Fuckity bye to him! What a waste of space.

Oh God you poor thing, I've just caught up on your posts from yesterday afternoon. I can imagine how this must have pulled the rug from under you. Well I can remember how I felt when I found out about OW (and when they moved in together), and all the abuse he sent me about how shit I was as a wife and how she understood him better than anyone (she was one of our mutual friends who had come to our wedding and my hen do - so was very aware that we were married. Don't know why, but I think that made it worse compared to had she been a stranger). Reason she "understood him better" was because she and him would drink and get high together. Nice. Anyway, I digress. I knew things weren't great etc but the new revelation broke my heart (as it meant that he didn't even give working things out a proper try). My DC were 12 and 5 at the time. You must be reeling.

I can't believe him. Actually, I can. Some guys are disgusting. I won't say all: I know plenty of wonderful guys who have been completely committed, loving and respectful to their partners/spouses and families over the many years I've known them. Sadly I didn't marry one (thought I had but that went down the pan!!).

Make sure you take the time out that YOU need to figure all this mess out and what YOU want (whatever that is). Be warned that he might do the DARVO thing (like he was doing the other day), love bombing, the Script thing, and so on. In short, keep your own counsel and be wary of him/his motives. And a PP mentioned trauma bonding...be careful of that too. My XH and OW lasted 4 months (after I found out) and then split in a blaze of glory. They both came whining about it to me (via message) and I told them to take a hike. Was one of the best nights of my life! XH then kept saying that he didn't want to split with me and wanted to be committed (yeah, after years of lies/shit and an OW). I read on MN once that a guy never "falls in love" so fast when he is needing a place to stay. I think that was true in this case. I didn't budge, but I almost did waver at one point (my DF had died in the midst of all of this shit and I was in a bad place). But I didn't go back to XH as too much other crap had happened, and the only reason I think he wanted me back was because of the gravy train convenience (to him) about being with me etc. Even now, he does still say that he made the biggest mistake of his life, but his actions these days (with me looking in as an outside spectator) tell me that really he will never change, so I'm very glad that we're divorced and I'm (very happily) single.

FWIW I've known of only two couples who have survived infidelity. Both times, the man wasn't found out, he came clean (to their partner/spouse, and then family/friends), sought counselling for themselves, never tried to blame the partner/spouse and was completely honest with everything that had happened. The guy also gave the partner time and space, and did all the work needed to earn back trust, respect etc without an expectation that the partner would stay with them. Both couples still together (many years later) and are both very strong. So it can happen in some cases.

I hope you somehow managed to get some sleep. We're all thinking of you xx

Of course, I forgot the manchild is a father. Please give him this 🖕 oh sorry, I meant this 🏆

Morning, I hope you managed to get some sleep. Only you can decide what to do about staying in your marriage or not. There’s no huge rush over this. You’ve had a huge shock and very little sleep. If you decide to split, you’ll need to get advice and choose the best way forward for you and the DC. So, don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

What I will say is don’t let him make you think you’re questioning your commitment to the marriage. HE has done that.

He’s shown he has no commitment to the marriage in numerous ways. Being keen to go out when you were heavily pregnant with his child and struggling with his other child. Then acting like a spoilt child (and blaming you) and getting aggressive when you ask him to stay and support you. Not having an open discussion about going away on holiday with friends, but telling you at a gig. Then, on the same holiday, betraying your (clearly shaky) trust by kissing and messaging another woman. Then, when you ask him about that, lying and being verbally abusive to you. Not taking responsibility for the running of the family home, planning family days out or maximising his employment prospects.

Marriage vows are to love and cherish and these are not the actions of someone who loves and cherishes you. They’re also not the actions of a responsible, loving, devoted father, who puts his children first.

Beware of DARVO. He may tell you that, like you, he’s become v unhappy in the marriage and your home life. He may find it difficult you don’t have your own social life, so rely on him and get upset when he wants to socialise without you. He may find your standards of tidiness too high/uptight for him. Your demands on him about both these things may have felt overwhelming (and even controlling). He may be struggling. That may all be how he feels. Of course, for relationships to keep working there has to be mutual empathy and compromise: both parties moving a little to the centre. All relationships hit problems and have to be reassessed and compromise found. And if the compromise is too much for either party, they have to end.

A mature man, who loves and cherishes his wife and children, will openly and calmly communicate how he feels, suggest compromises, listen to his wife and look humbly at what he could do differently, adjust his habits to fit with the family life he’s chosen. He won’t disrespect his wife by going on holiday whatever she thinks, hooking up with another woman, then lie and get abusive about it. That’s what an impulsive, immature teenager would do.