Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

What a waste of space he is. He's ashamed is he? Ashamed he got caught. Ashamed that he called you, his wife and mother of his children, terrible names because you attempted to spoil his fun. Here's his trophy 🏆 for husband of the fucking year.

Thank you everyone. I’ve told my manager just because it would’ve been too difficult to go into work and be asked if I’m okay or how did he get on at the stag do. I haven’t gone into every detail, just that I know he’s done something. They’ve offered to authorise me some emergency leave for tomorrow at least.

He’s currently on the plane, I don’t even know what to do or say right now. I think I could drive myself insane thinking about it all but nothing will now change what’s happened.

Thank you again so much for your support, you really have meant so much to me. I’m sorry if my updates seem pretty quiet or short compared to how they were, I just don’t have the words right now. As I said before, there’s such a weird difference between knowing it by gut instinct and then actually hearing it. I will update once he’s back in England.

I’m glad you have emergency leave. Wishing you all the best seems odd … look after yourself, and don’t get pressured. You are very fragile right now.

I’m just wishing you the best OP. What a horrible situation he has created. Shame on him.

@thelab be strong 😘 you’ve held yourself with such dignity. How dare he now come home with his tail in between his legs after what he’s done?? Just astounding 😳
Lots of hugs, glad you’ve told work so at least you can have some time off tomorrow x

Please have something to eat, you need to look after yourself. Strong cuppa and two sugars plus a biscuit to nibble on if you can't face anything proper.

OP,

Try to put emotions aside and protect you and your children financially.
Any important documents in a safe place such as at your parent’s house, passports, any joint savings moved, or at least your half should be play dirty. Get legal advice re your home.

So sorry. They’ll always tell you the bare minimum they can get away with as well- it’s highly unlikely he’s telling you the full story even now. I’d be inclined not to engage in any further conversations with him now, can you get him to stay at his dad’s while you get your ducks in a row? Good luck and stay strong. 💐

I'm so sorry OP. Whatever you do make sure you get some space from him to decide your next steps - get him to stay with FIL for a week or two so you can decide without him bullying or manipulating you.

You sound like a strong woman OP - don’t let him make you feel otherwise. Hope you get some sleep tonight ♥️

He will minimise this completely. Do you think they 'just kissed'? I would be furious and his shit would be by the door. Be strong and show him what he's about to lose.

thinking of you x

Oo you originally posted because you were ‘feeling ‘stuck’ in a marriage for a while now’ and booking a stag do then going without proper communication, care or attention for you felt like final straw in an otherwise unfulfilling relationship.
Infidelity happens in many many marriages, and it doesn’t always spell the end of a relationship. But there are some key ingredients needed to heal and move on; total honesty, genuine remorse, self reflection, absolute accountability. Cheating can be the symptom of a problem (although many people do it just because they can of course) , but when it happens the focus shifts to the act of cheating which can gloss over the other issues.

From the outside it looks like your marriage was in trouble anyway - my advice to you if you even want to think about moving past this, is you must address those fundamental relationship issue first and foremost, before getting to the why’s and wherefore of him shagging OW on a stag do and then viscously attacking you before lying, lying, lying. And you need space away from him to process and make anymere.
But right now you hold a lot of power - he doesn’t know what you know, he doesn’t know your work are setting you up for a next big important step in your career, he doesn’t know whether you’ll forgive him. As a minimum I’d expect him to forfeit his mates wedding, to give you full access to his phone and to restore it if you can, and to feel as satisfied as you can be that you’re getting the full truth.

This could be the hand grenade you need in your relationship to fully reassess, to set boundaries and expectations and to work towards a more mutually supportive and balanced marriage, if he can step up. Or it could be that you know you can’t and don’t want to get past this so you decide to go and make a fabulous life on your own terms, without him.

Either way, remember your worth. He is very very lucky to have you.

Just make sure that he does not nail the conversation down to this stag weekend and only this stag weekend. This weekend has simply exploded the pre-existing problems into the open - he's been treating you as his skivvy for a very, very long time.

Do not let him insist that other than this weekend, the marriage has been all hunky-dory. You started this thread before you knew about this other woman, before his disgusting tirade at you. And you thought your marriage was over then.

Sending support @thelab, he sounds like a manipulative shithead.

@thelab so hard for you. I think you’ll always wonder what could have happened between them if you hadn’t of spotted the new number… maybe it just was a kiss but it’s not really about what they did it’s the intention. It doesn’t mean this is over for you, counselling and real change from him. A lot of hard work but doable (if that’s what’s you want).

Oh darling.
They've done more than kiss. But you know that.
He's minimising his appalling behaviour.
I'm so sorry.

I don’t want to add to your stress OP but if he actually is flying back tonight, I know some of the flights to Newcastle have been diverted to other airports because of fog 😬 hopefully you can get some sleep and make the most of the emergency time off - your boss sounds very understanding at least.

But why would she want to? A man who shirks all responsibilities, treats her like a skivvy and does not appreciate her, calls her vile names with total disrespect, and then lies through his teeth about another woman and what he gets up to. And tries to blame her for his failings. Op has more self-respect.

OP when you see him, he will almost certainly try DARVO. Please see through this and all manipulative or minimising or gaslighting that he tries. You will be well shot of this miserable specimen. You sound very strong and capable, so you will get through this and enjoy life. Don't let him jeopardise your job either.

@GreenCandleWax because she’s clearly upset and it’s easy to shout leave at a stranger on the internet without thinking that this is a persons real life! She may not want to but she may want to. There should be no judgement either way on what she wants to do. This is ops life and family.

I would guess this was a planned meet up with someone he possibly met online which is why he was so distant before going, then perhaps it hasnt gone to plan and she wasnt that interested in him, perhaps she saw your message and realised he isnt actually single and has told him to get lost. That would make sense why he suddenly feels bad and is all apologetic.

Ive read on here so many times that men often leave only when they find someone else, he was already rewriting the story ready to meet someone else, that hasnt worked out so now he is in repair mode. He jumped the gun with the rewriting of things so now he has to undo it.

He has controlled everything so far with when you speak, when you get ignored. Take back the control. Talk when you are ready and be sure before you talk. You know you cant trust him now so tell him you would like him to pack a bag and go stay with his dad until you are ready to figure what you want to do. Give yourself time to figure out your own mind.

It sounds like with your work you have a great future, focus on that. Without the additional workload of having to look after him, you can focus on studying and progressing your own career and maybe developing your own social life. It honestly sounds like this will hurt, but ultimately you will be better off in the long run.

Hope he’s not flying into Newcastle (as PP suggest) as they’re all being diverted due to fog
edited to add I’m not a weird flight stalker I’m just aware that’s the case)

@thelab

Oh all the sorry, sorry excuses, the 'what was I thinking! and "I'm so ashamed!". Bleah. Been there, done that, bought the Tshirt, wore it to shreds.

In my first marriage when I just couldn't seem to take that final step, a friend told me that when my now exH made excuses or said how bad he felt I needed to silently add "until I do it the next time" to everything he said. "I'll never call you XX again <until I do it the next time>", "I'll never do XX again <until I do it the next time>", "I feel so terrible/guilty <until I do it the next time>". It wasn't very long until I realized that he WAS doing it 'the next time'. And the time after that and the time after that and..well you get the picture.

I really think at this point you are more than halfway 'out the door'. See a solicitor, find out where you stand wrt finances. Educate yourself and then make the decision that's right for you.

You know yourself your marriage is over, you could never trust him again. He has done more than kiss some woman (not that this would be acceptable). Calling you controlling is a way for him to not get questioned about his behaviour because he knows he is hiding all sorts. Make sure he knows he has ruined your marriage and family. Also, definitely do not go to that wedding, he can go and everybody can know the reason why he is there alone! His nasty outburst is an insight in to how he will treat you…be ready for it.

I finally managed to get myself off to sleep on the sofa and you are right about him being diverted because of fog. Couldn’t make up my life at the moment!

I'm so sorry OP. I've been where you are and it's not hard to drive yourself crazy. Take care of yourself.