Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

‘She kissed me’. Another cheater trait, life happens to them. Passive victims not in control of their destiny.

She kissed him because his behaviour prior meant she felt it would be acceptable to him. The chatting, flirting, the walk on their own.

Always the victim.

Women rarely walk up to a stranger, snog them and put their number in the phone without a bit of a build up.

He chose to put himself in a position where a woman thought it was acceptable to snog him. I’m sorry op but I doubt you know it all yet. I am sorry you are in this situation. You really are the prize here. Please look after yourself.

You can retrieve WhatsApp messages by deleting the app and then reinstalling (make sure it was backed up beforehand). So if he wants to prove to you what happened but ‘can’t’ because the messages were gone because he felt so guilty for ‘taking her number for his friend/ for himself/ for kissing her’ or whatever the latest story is then tell him to do this to prove his story is true and nothing more than a kiss happened.

I’d be very wary of him coming home tonight and love bombing you with decorations of adoration, apologies, more lies, and no doubt a healthy dose of DARVO when you haven’t yourself had time to process for yourself how you feel. You need space now. Is there somewhere you can stay tonight? Even a hotel? I’d get those WhatsApp messages off his phone, through the back up. And then I’d head on out, if he won’t go.

Did you hear back from the girl? No doubt he’ll have asked her to lie for him.

@commonsense61 That’s exactly what it is, like slow torture.
I haven’t eaten all day and I’m just sat feeling freezing cold and shivering.
I will never believe a word he says again.

@thelab you need to throw all his stuff into black binbags and leave them at the front door. he will get the message. put the snib on so he cannot get in

You always knew it deep down the plonker just confirmed your gut feeling's you had, remember him busy on WhatsApp but couldn't reply to you, what a shitty man

@Omgblueskys Exactly that. Saying he felt so guilty and ashamed of it that he then messaged her all day the next day. Make it make sense

Stay strong and give yourself grace. Don't fall for his lies.

You know he’s not remorseful, right? Just guilty because he got caught out. He most likely went on the stag do with the express intention of cheating. Wasn’t expecting to get caught but when you found the phone number he didn’t know how much you know.

He’s still lying to you. He isn’t remorseful. He will get away with whatever he can.

I agree with all this. Plus he's an idiot.

It truly does op, just remember everything would of been deleted on phone, he'll know your going to question him, and quite rightly, he may do the ( I feel so bad, please forgive me, I love you, don't know why I did it, or you made me do it, all the shit he can ) you won't get the full story just what he wants you to know, so remember, be prepared for this, right now you have control I know you don't feel it now but you have, emotions are high, your tearful, try and stay strong, good luck op , 💐

Also remember why you started this post. At the time you didn’t know or even strongly suspect he was cheating. You were so dissatisfied with the way he treats you day to day and the lack of respect he shows you and your family that you questioned whether your marriage could continue.

Now you know for sure that he doesn’t respect you, has repeatedly lied and cheated on you whilst trying to make you believe it’s your fault for being too ‘controlling’ I.e. making him accountable for the family he wanted and has. You deserve more. Like others have said you sound truly remarkable and it’s clear your priority is your family. His priority is himself. That’s his failing and not something you can change. The change has to come from him. But his actions and lies have done irreparable damage to your marriage. Getting back to where you were (and you weren’t that happy with your marriage before all this happened) will be an uphill battle. Do you really want to take responsibility for that too? He sounds insecure and unmotivated to become a better person. Blaming others for his shortcomings. You need space to come to terms with what has happened and decide the way forward. With or without him. I’m so sorry OP. You do not deserve it.

I’d just ask for a divorce straight up. You will never trust him and you’ll hear his cruel words forever. It will eat you up and make you an unhappy mother to your kids.

Girl, that boy has some serious growing up to do, definitely need to take a break from that relationship or atleast have a sturn word without letting him twist it around on you. If he can barely message you he should not have another girls number from a stag do

Yes your marriage is over (have read all your updates), maybe not tonight or next week but definitely over, no coming back from this.

He is a cheater and verbally abused you. I wouldn't take him back.

Just a thought op but are you frightened of him physically? Be careful how you do this, you are both tired and he has been drinking excessively so will not be completely himself. It may be dangerous to have a confrontational discussion and he seems quite escalated. May be safer to ask him to go to his dad’s and see him on your own terms when you are ready.

He must go. especially as he's on the road to being laid off, you dont want him proclaiming he is the primary carer.
No making up sex either you dont want a STD

What you're describing has a name; weaponized incompetence. They deliberately do a shit job so they won't be expected to do it again. They demand you tell them what needs to be done even though they know perfectly well. He has eyes. He can see when there's dirt and unwashed dishes. He has a huge case of male entitlement. That won't change. You're basically a single mother, except you have one extra child to care for, which is him. In all truth, the best thing for you in the long run will be if the other woman will "adopt" him and take a time and energy sucking vampire off your hands. It will hurt in the short run. Just get through that as best you can. You would not believe how relieved you'll eventually feel.

He's lying. He fucked her. Why the need for all the lies if there was nothing physical?

I’m really sorry to hear your latest updates and I do think it’s very likely he did sleep with her :(
You sound like you are in an understandably awful state. Your immediate boss seems to really value you and so I think you should call in and say you need a personal / mental health day. You can tell them as little or as much as you want. Try sip water and very small handfuls of food as I know you can’t stomach more. You need to give yourself the essentials right now, it’s about surviving the emotional turmoil right now ..: there is so much you’ve gone through in the last 24 hours. If you do feel desperate, please call the Samaritans for non judgemental support.
You sound super @thelab just in your posts and you must be even better in real life. You are in shock right now so do whatever you need to, to get through hour by hour xxx

I am posting here because I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation 5 years ago - although it came out it most certainly was not just a kiss. We did get through it. We had counselling and we stayed together , it still affects me deep down if I’m completely honest with myself , but we did get through it and I do feel we are strong now.

Some things to bear in mind:

• he will lie and drip feed . I’m sorry , but it’s likely you still do not have the full story, I don’t even know if I do but I made the choice when we decided to give it a go that I drew a line. I found a message , that he hadn’t replied to but that implied an affair- something along the lines of being hurt he had cut contact . First , he turned on me and called me names , said it was a friends wife who was talking about her relationship with his friend and said I had embarrassed him by messaging. Then a complete refusal to discuss it , apologising - for what ? - but saying he had done nothing and it was in my head. To then, a few days later ,he told me everything, crying and begging for forgiveness .
• You will always be traumatised by this. You have to decide if you can live with it. I don’t think of it really anymore and I’m genuinely happy ( I made a point after it of putting me first over him , I’ve now got a great career etc and feel content ) . We have actually had a wonderful weekend together , very loved up , everything is good - but , just writing this here I am freezing cold and shaking like you describe - no matter how happy I am if I think of it , my body remembers the trauma .
• If you decide to give it a go, don’t brush it under the carpet, and ignore how you feel. We went straight into counselling and all of a sudden , quite early on I felt really close to him and I wanted sex . It was awful , the second we started I just pictured him with her and pushed him away. Then , after that he was so loving to me and just the perfect man and we reconnected again he was so remorseful .. I decided I forgave him . I told him this. A few months later it all got to me and I exploded and was awful to him - like I should have been at the time. I told him then I don’t forgive him and I could never forgive him for causing me that pain . I said I can believe he’s sorry , I can draw a line and move on. Years after I have said I do forgive him , but that the forgiveness was for me so I could heal and move on , not to make him feel better.
• Dont compare yourself to her or blame yourself. It isn’t anything you have done , she isn’t better than you or more attractive etc - it’s not about her or you it’s about him. He is weak . He chose to seek someone else rather than focus on what he had. You are not to blame - it is all on him.
• Don’t consume yourself with hatred of her. She will have been fed lies , this is what cheaters do. If she knew he was married , then that’s her low morals and she can deal with that. Karma will get her . Him too. But she isn’t the one that made a commitment to you and then broke those vows , he did. She didn’t owe you anything , he owed you it .

look after yourself op x

You and your children are worth more than this. As well as gaslighting you, being immature and unreasonable, he is an appalling role model for your children. Take courage. Xx

Oh dear! Is that how he put it to you? She kissed him. If so, he’s not taking responsibility. Unless he didn’t reciprocate, which appears highly unlikely. It’s awful he originally brushed off her name, yet now it turns out he kissed her and then messaged her the next day. And that’s just what he’s admitted to.

Having read all your updates, you’re clearly in a situation where teamwork with him is like pushing a boulder uphill, when it’d be easier to walk uphill on your own, however hard.

Stay strong and have faith in your abilities. You’re clearly valued at work. You’re clearly driven and organised. You don’t need to rush with your decision. But I suggest you seek some initial advice on your rights and options were you to split.