Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

Are you sure he hadn't set up meeting this woman before. He kind if went underground well before leaving on this stag do

I have been through the same op. Your reaction is normal. You know why because you’re a decent normal human being.

Let me tell you now you will hurt, it will take time to feel better but you will and you will be stronger. He will have to look in the mirror forever at an arsehole, likely a cheating arsehole.

I am happier now and have much greater insight into myself and others. My ex H is a miserable guy who was dumped by the other woman after a year and is now permanently miserable.

Do not listen to his insults, do not internalise them one bit as it means nothing - it’s all justification from his brain to massage guilt, it’s called cognitive dissonance. I did reflect on my relationship a year or so after and yes there were things that were slightly true and I think we learn as we go on in life. But mostly it will be silly hyperbole.

Keep posting here and let out steam, vent. Please look after yourself. Go for a walk when you feel awful, the endorphins help, breathe deeply.

His anger and verbal aggression was his way of making you be the bad guy and allowing him to remain the good guy in his story. If his wife is a nag, a cunt, controlling he can justify his actions to himself.

He has conditions surrounding his fidelity. I am faithful but not if my wife is a nag. I am faithful but a lads stay do doesn’t count. I am faithful but not if my wife doesn’t find out.

I am faithful for me. My husband is a pain in the arse at times. He is not powerful enough to make me cheat or be faithful. My vows meant something to me. I stood up and said the vows I had written and I meant them. Who am I if my words mean nothing? I want to like the person I see in the mirror. My ability to keep my word is important. So I am faithful for me. My husband is my collateral damage.

I think if you sat down and really think hard you will see his poor character traits. Things like - lies by omission, inability to self soothe, poor communication, inability to delay gratification, arrogance, people pleasing tendencies, immature, sulky, blames other for his mistakes, lack of responsibility etc etc.

The problem you will have going forward is the genie is out the bottle. Those bad traits (there will be several) will magnify and you may then lose respect for him. You will notice more. I don’t think married men who cheat are attractive- they remind me of sly 15 year olds who sneak round the bike sheds with their mates girlfriend. A bit grim and not attractive when you are 15 never mind 30.

To get from chatting in a bar to getting this ladies number takes hundreds of steps. Most are tiny steps. If he says he was too drunk to remember then how can he remember nothing happened. He remembers, he’s just choosing to protect himself - (go back to personality traits - is this normal behaviour for him?). He may think you finding out is the problem not what he has done. Hence him blaming you for checking the iPad. But good job you did - he’s not trustworthy.

Most cheats I have encountered are okay with lying. Sometimes it’s lying by omission they are comfortable with. You said he tells his boss his coursework is nearly done - why does he lie about it? Is that him lying to stop his boss being annoyed or to stop the boss thinking badly of him or because he doesn’t like the discomfort of honesty or?

But none of this is your fault. Don’t feel humiliated - you believed in this man, you kept your vows. You are the catch here. He’s no catch - cheating husbands are ten a penny. Thousands on tinder right now.

Hello @thelab
I am sorry your going through this, I didn't want to read and run. I am a few months after where you are, if you decide the end your relationship so all I can give you is my insight although mine is slightly different in that H just left but I got asked many times if I would take him back, I suspected that he was cheating but refused to look for any evidence. I sat back and thought that he had done enough without the cheating for me to never have him back. Take out the girls number, has he he done enough for you to not want him back or to stop with this relationship?

Also what this screams to me is, he was vile to you all weekend until it came time to face the music and now he is trying to be nice and hope all is well upon his return so he doesn't have to face the repercussions of his actions. He knows he has done wrong but if he is anything like my exh he won't acknowledge it, or think a message saying sorry is enough, now he might think it is enough but it's not him accepting the apology, do you feel it is enough? What would be enough or is there anything he can do?

This is your time to be strong, you have right on your side and I have been there, keep calm and composed and remember what you except, what you deserve and keep reiterating it to him. I don't mean to sound patronising it's just what I was told and omg it helped me so much to keep those words in my head.

If you'd decide to end the relationship based on this, that's ok as long as it is your choice but also beware of the lies that will be spread, hold your head up high you know the truth and have the receipts to prove it (not that you have to show them it's just powerful having them) lean on people at work, if they are making comments they have likely seen some behaviour that they are concerned about, as you said you don't see it in your own house and admitting that is hard, believe me it was hard for me but the strength really helps having those people to lean on.

Always here if you need a chat or drop me a message!

Sorry for what your husband is putting you through, he's an utter piece of shit. You don't need to put up with his abuse, gaslighting and betrayal you deserve more and your children deserve a happy homelife id you really want to see the messages you can access his WhatsApp from the iPad if his icloud is synced to the iPad. You just download WhatsApp using his number and restore the messages. He's never going to tell you the full truth, his friends probably don't know 100% of the details, but I bet 100% that he'd met up with her last night and you bringing her up he was either with her or had just been with her, that's why he was so vile to you and could justify it by saying he wanted to end it anyway.

Whether or not he feels ashamed, only he knows. But I would be a lot of money on the fact that this isn’t the reaction of a man who just got a persons number and is really ashamed they did. There’s so much more to this, but I doubt you’ll find out any time soon.

He’s now admitted they went off together after getting her number and she kissed him

What a drop feed, he adds more and more as he Ed along. This isn’t looking good @thelab .This is definitely cheating and you only have his worthless word that it didn’t go beyond that.

“She kissed him” honestly! The drip feed of information would suggest that it was probably more than that. A drunken snog isn’t really grounds for divorce I wouldn’t think and it’s a bit of an overreaction to jump on a plane for crisis talks because of it.

It was over for you because of the way he spoke to you and the way he was in the run up to going there. If you make it about this girl he’ll be able to manipulate the situation cos you’ll never know the truth about it

She kissed him...of course it was all her. The distancing language is ridiculous of him. So sorry OP he's been a huge ass.

’she kissed him’ - fucks sake, they literally have a script don’t they? This is where mine started, before it was ‘they touched each other of their clothes’ then, ‘she gave him a BJ’ before it transpired (not from him, but from a third party I might add), that they’d spent two whole nights together and been so loud that the rest of the hotel could hear them.
I was lucky that not all his mates felt comfortable covering for him, so I did get the truth. Yours has conveniently left the group for a period of time, so I’m guessing unless he had bragged or they came down to breakfast together, the others might not know the truth. But if you know any of them you could see if they’ll open up.

My guess is he was with her, probably in her hotel room, when you called him so he walked out to the pool which is why it didn’t sound like he was at the pub. You called him after he’d freshly committed infidelity and he hadn’t had time of get his story straight, you’d virtually caught him red handed, and hence why he lied and went mental.

Either way, his reaction and his drip feed is not that of a man who had a cheeky peck from a stranger.

I'm sorry OP x

Sorry OP, nothing worth saving here. I could never get over the things he said, never mind the things he's actually done. That's not love, that's contempt for your intelligence.
..

Sorry to read that update. What a shit.

Entirely the script, downplaying & lying, the erased messages etc
He was more than happy to get a quick shag, just was too stupid to imagine you'd find out.

He thought I’m sure if he kept it off social media, a phone number would be easy to go under the radar.
He’s now so ashamed and guilty, that ashamed he then messaged her all day the next day. Good one

Hahahaha! SHE kissed HIM! He's a wanker!

So, is he on his way back?
I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I think if it were me, I’d pack some stuff for him and tell him to go for now, get some space for you to get your things & thoughts in order?
You deserve that he tells you the full truth (when you’re ready to talk- not when he wants to spin a yarn). Have a plan ready as to what you’d like the next steps to be. Only you can determine that.

"She kisse me" ...wow just wow....i could have written this post myself. He is deflecting, blaming her, not taking any responsibility....cheater's code. " i'm in a prison"..no, you're married with responsibilities...just wow...the gaslighting..."you're controlling"one word...no

Even if you aren't ready to ditch him, he can go & crawl back under the rock he deserves until you decide what YOU want

He’s now so ashamed and guilty, that ashamed he then messaged her all day the next day. He's so guilty that he messaged her all day the next day?

He's another of those who are so sorry they got caught.

I was shocked by the language OP. My dh and I have had many a shouting row - but he's never sworn at me. He called me an idiot once - 10+ years back. I haven't forgotten that. And he's never done that again - I got so mad and he minded it.
If he called me a snake - I don't think I could look at him the same way again - drink or no drink. And all the while HE ( a married man) was chatting up and kissing some girl.

If he thinks marriage is a prison, you should really set him free.

There's a little Latin saying In Vino Veritas - in wine there is truth.

That doesn't mean that you are any of the things he accused you of, it means that at that moment in time that's how he was feeling - most likely to justify his actions.

He sounds like an entitled, petulant teen who feels they should be able to do whatever they want and you trying to make him accept his responsibilities IS in his mind that you're putting him in a prison and being controlling. On some rational level he knows he's behaving unreasonably, he just won't admit it to himself.

I have late diagnosed ADHD, I was 60 when mine was finally diagnosed and I came out as off the scale. In the years before that I knew that something in my behaviours wasn't right so did what I needed to try to pull my weight e.g. I diarised everything I needed to do in a day & made sure I looked at that frequently (and set alerts in Outlook), I wrote lists that I would have to tick off. I would try to admit guilt & ask others for help e.g. ask them to remind me frequently to do things and NOT then take offence when they did.

What I wouldn't do is use it as an excuse for doing whatever I felt like at the time & completely shirking my jobs and responsibilities!

Awareness of what is actually happening in my mind, and meds, have made a fantastic difference to me over the last few years so actually getting tested can make that difference - as long as it isn't used as an excuse for getting away with not even trying to do the things you need to do and sadly I get the feeling that is what your DH will do if he does get a diagnosis.

Yes, he’s apparently in the airport waiting for a flight home. Honestly, I can barely speak anymore. It’s such a hard thing knowing it but then actually having that confirmation.

Thank you again everyone. You’ve all been so kind when I’ve needed someone

Gosh it’s just proof your gut speaks to you and it’s always right!! I wouldn’t trust him at all and can guarantee more will come out. His shouting and swearing was definitely gaslighting! I think this is the proof you needed that your marriage is over sadly !