My partner refuses to adjust our 50/50 split, and I’m burning out—how do I move forward?

[Glo13]

I (28F) and my partner (27M) have a 5 month old baby and I feel completely exhausted. We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby. I recently quit my second job because I physically couldn’t do it anymore, but I haven’t told my partner yet because I know he won’t be understanding.

He insists we must do a 50/50 parenting split and finance split, no matter what I need to do to make that happen. When I try to explain that I’m burning out, he says he’s exhausted too and that we both need to “fulfill our duties as a team.” But he did the same thing when I was pregnant—he wouldn’t take on more of the financial load when I needed to work less, even though he made $700 more per week than I did. I was still expected to contribute equally. He also went on a trip and bought a new guitar while I was struggling to keep up.

To make things worse, we work at the same place, and people there seem to be taking his side. My boss even made a comment about how it’s not that hard to “pretend to be happy.” I feel like I have no escape from this pressure, both at work and at home.

When we argue, it goes nowhere. He blames everything on me and calls me a manipulator and gaslighter, even though he himself has narcissistic traits—he lacks empathy and seems more focused on “winning” arguments than actually solving problems. It feels like he projects his own behavior onto me to avoid taking responsibility. He would say the exact thing about me and we’d get nowhere.

I’ve been thinking about whether I should apply for Parenting Payment so I can be with my child more, but I already know I’ll be accused of just wanting to do nothing. That’s not what this is—I just don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this. Is it wrong to want that kind of support so I can be there for my child without completely burning myself out? My mother and friends think he is emotionally abusive and he has threatened to try for full custody if I can’t meet my financial obligations. If we were to seperate and try receive parenting payment, he would likely try to argue for exactly half custody so I wouldn’t be eligible and to continue working as much as I am. He’s also said he will expect half the rent until the lease is up if I leave.

What should I do? Please help! It’s all greatly appreciated🤍

We both work 40 hours over 4 days on broken sleep (5 hours a night at best), then spend 3 days off in rotation caring for our baby.

I’m struggling to understand why you are more exhausted than him and why you think you should work less hours, when everything is done 50/50.

Is he also getting 5 hours sleep a night or is he having a full, undisturbed sleep every night?

I actually think you’re working quite well if you’re both sharing the night wake ups, and both caring for the baby equally, as well as sharing finances 50/50.

I personally would start by finding a new job.
The environment sounds quite toxic and I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to work with your partner.

Try and find a job that allows you to work the same shifts but being away from him will mean you have more independence and people won’t be taking sides.
Try and find one that is less emotionally draining too, to give you more energy the rest of the time.

If you do decide to split, then working in a separate workplace to him would make things a lot easier.

We’re talking 5m down the line. And yes was way back into working by then as many people I know were , qnd and yes I pumped in the office and breastfed beyond 1 year and had problems with breastfeeding and all that so yes I have first hand experience. You realise a lot of pple have had babies right, it’s not some sacred lonely experience that only 5 people in the world have ever been through…

their routine of working 40h in 5 days and rotating to care for their baby for 3d sounds exhausting. neither of them have a break. It’s not sustainable long term. They need to jointly work out a way to sort that out ( whether it’s a child minder or day care or nursery or a nanny) even one day back would mean a lot more rest for both.
not everything has to be a battle against your husband and in this case he hasn’t really done anything except pushback against doing physically more than he already is

This is just so dumb. Pregnancy affects women so differently. Literally everyone is different.

There are those who bounce right back and there are those who don’t, even without major undefined complications.

Unsure that schedule could ever work, maybe when baby is sleeping through you could have a chance of making it work. I know your exhausted but start to look at sleep training and see if you have any family that would take over for a few hours so you can get some sleep xx

Have you no respect for motherhood? The huge toll it takes on a woman’s body for at least a couple of years (9 months pregnancy and at least a year postpartum), not to mention long-term (genital changes, bodily, hormonal/emotional changes etc.?). We aren’t ‘guys’.

What self-respecting woman would want to be with a man who expects her to return to work within months of giving birth, on the preposterous and uneducated notion that it’s ‘equal’. It’s not.

Males and females will never be equal because females bleed every month and go through menopause in order to continue the species (granted, with some exceptions). Males can’t and don’t. As parents, females go through pregnancy and childbirth (again, with some exceptions). Males can’t and don’t.

Gender and parental equality is impossible for these reasons. Equity should be the aim. There is a difference.

Double ouch.

It all sounds very transactional and totally joyless, I don’t know how you can stand to be with someone who knows you are struggling and is choosing to do nothing to help you despite it being within their power to do so.
I know people who do 50/50 split for all bills etc they earn a similar amount so no partner is left with less, I know some who pay the same percentage of their wages when there is a wage discrepancy so that no one is left with nothing and many people who work part time and one partner works full time, the big thing is however they have worked it, works for them as a family unit.
To be a member of a team, as he suggests, you need to be aware of your team mates and actually care about them. Calling you a burden if for whatever reason you can’t maintain a full time job etc is totally unfair.
For those saying that you should be recovered by 5 months I’m glad your deliveries were so uncomplicated, I had major tears, episiostomy wound and other complications. There would have been no way I could have returned to my job working full time at 5 months without setting back my recovery.
OP if I were in your shoes I’d be putting my ducks in a row and making plans to exit sooner rather than later.

It does affect women differently but as I said, the vast majority will be physically capable of working by 5 months.

Wanting to is a different story.

Actually I don’t really accept it and am trying to change it..if I did accept him being lazy I wouldn’t be complaining about it….
this thread isn’t about my lazy husband though…

We must not forget how exhausting it is to be in an abusive relationship. Waking up each day to the lies , the gaslighting and having to pick your words carefully so that you get a straight answer to simple questions. The walking on egg shells is all consuming. Dealing with that , a baby and two jobs plus a house to run would be too much for anyone.

This is really sad to read you sound so unhappy and your husband sounds like a twat who is financially and emotionally abusive.

Honestly, I'd leave him to it and look to your parents/siblings for support as you certainly won't get it from him.

She is working it’s just that she’s getting exhausted. And it’s certainly not the case that the vast majority of women are working FT 5 months after giving birth.

Yeah, fuck that right off.

This relationship sounds very money orientated and clinical.
Where is the love, support and respect for each other.
50/50 in the perfect world is ok but there are always ups and downs.

Depends on the country. In the UK, it isn't the vast majority but in other countries it is perfectly normal.

Though I said the vast majority are capable of it, not that they are actually doing it.

In other countries it’s perfectly normal for mothers not to return to work at all.

And OP is capable of it she’s just struggling with it.

I think it’s awful that mums in the US have to return to work so soon after having a baby. Leave him and apply for child support.

I think the 4 days on, 3 days off schedule is a good idea.

But I agree that sleep is the biggest issue here.

Many posters will tell you to leave but then you have hundreds of threads complaining about their DHs not pulling their weight.

This relationship seems truly 50/50 which is what most posters say is the ideal scenario.

You are exhausted because of the sleep situation.

At 5 months old your baby should be sleeping more than 5 hours a night.

I would focus on the sleep pattern as a PP suggested, by sleep training or getting some professional help.

Once the baby is sleeping 8 hours then you can then decide what you want to do about the relationship.

I would definitely look for another job in a different company too.

We all know that some women are able to work at 5 months postpartum. OP is one of them. It is, however, evidently taking a significant toll on her.

Anyone who thinks the fact that some women work at that point is relevant will need more information about not only OPs health but that of those women also. 'Physically capable' could mean anything from completely fine to just about able to get through their most recent shift without collapsing.

Additionally, a lot of those women will be doing it because they have no choice. They and their families won't be fed and housed otherwise. That is clearly not the case here, since the DP has hundreds of dollars a week more income available but just thinks he shouldn't have to spend it.

Due to the lack of sleep. If both her and her DH are getting the same amount of sleep, they will both be incredibly tired.

I'd look into some gentle sleep training or wait until 6 months and actually sleep train.

But that's not what she is proposing. She is not proposing she needs a longer maternity leave. She is saying she wants him to work more days so she can work less days.

On my country the overwhelming majority of women go back after three months, and there is no debate that this is too short or not enough time to have healed.

I agree with you that people are different and want different things. But I don't think giving birth is an out-of-jail clause that then allows you to determine how much a stay-at-home/parttimer you get to be for the next X years because It Is So Hard. That's just precious.

Her partner doesn't sound nice or concerned with her. That's her problem. Not that 50/50 is unreasonable.

They probably are both tired, spending basically all your time either working or looking after a small baby solo will do that to you even when you don't also have to factor in the physical impact of pregnancy and birth. That's a reasonable point. Split shifts around childcare are pretty brutal at the best of times, even when neither partner is awful.

Please find a way to leave this relationship. You would be so much happier. He's bullying you. It's not lazy to need more time to care for a 5 month old baby ffs. I hadn't even gone back to work when any of mine were five months. My youngest is 1 now and I'm still on maternity leave. My DH has supported me financially throughout despite not being a wealthy man.
Splitting everything 50/50 is NOT fair if one partner is earning more. (Unless it's just a casual relationship but you guys have a baby together so it's not casual)
You should leave him when the lease ends. Move somewhere cheaper.. move back to your family.. do whatever it takes to get a better work life balance and more time to actually be there for your child. He will have to pay support if you are the resident parent. Which I imagine you would be as he's completely unwilling to look at changing his working pattern.
Life shouldn't be like this. Working yourself to the bone whilst being emotionally abused and getting to spend very little time with your baby
Listen to your family. It's a hard stage but getting to the other side of it won't make him less of a selfish narcissist who doesn't have your back at all and prioritises his own career and financial success over the wellbeing of anyone else.
Please find the strength to live life the way that benefits you and your baby. You are currently living a life that he dictates that he financially benefits from because you are there doing 50% ofthe work and putting 50% of the money in for his home and his child, whilst he actually takes home more pay than you. I bet he has a savings account. I bet he can treat himself to things and trips when he feels like it.
He is exploiting you. Please open your eyes and see it and make real concrete plans to leave.

I really struggle to understand how people get in this position. Did you not discuss this before you got pregnant?

Get out op, this is only going to get worse. He really does not care about your well being, is now openly abusing you.