Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Maybe your DD could find a dog sitter who could stay in your parents' hotel room for the day and care for the dog?

I’ve been to two weddings recently with a similar situation.

My brother got married closer to his fiancés family and where many of their friends live. My gran couldn’t travel (and to be fair she’d have struggled to attend even if it was in our town). I know she was naturally disappointed but we made the best of it. Her carers went round to help her watch the service (we live streamed it) with a glass of fizz and some cake. She wrote a little note to the bride and groom that was read out at the wedding. My brother asked her opinion on music choices for the service. My brothers wife arranged for some of the wedding flowers to be sent to her to decorate her room and when they got back from honeymoon they went to visit her so she could see the dress up close. My gran said that it was actually ideal - she got to be involved but in a way that was comfortable for her.

I was also a bridesmaid at a wedding where the brides grandparents threw up obstacle after obstacle as to why they couldn’t come while simultaneously moaning that they really wanted to and why couldn’t she have it ‘at home’ if she really wanted them there (they were about a 2 hour drive away). Thing is the bride was having it ‘at home’ - the city where she’d lived with her fiancé for over a decade. Most of their friends were local and family were all fairly spread out so the city worked as a midpoint fairly well (also had good airport links for friends/family coming from abroad). Despite the rest of the family coming up with solutions of lifts, coming to stay for a few days, arranging somebody to cat sit etc. the grandparents the day before decided they weren’t going to come after all or if they did they wanted the mother of the bride to leave after the service and take them home (so she would miss the reception). I know my friend was gutted as she really had tried to make it as easy as possible for them (and the groom’s gran who was even older and in worse health happily took up all offers of help so she could attend). To make it even worse we sorted recording the vows and speeches - when my friend went round to show her grandparents the video with some champagne and wedding cake they were completely dismissive of it and kept asking to put the tv back on.

My brother’s wedding still ended up being a lovely experience for my gran and she still has a lovely close relationship with my brother and sister in law. My friend on the other hand is really quite hurt by how her grandparents acted and it’s opened her eyes to other things they’ve done in the past that she’s now interpreting with new eyes. That relationship is now less close.

So it's about the dog! There's nothing in their medical list that prevents them being driven 200 miles and staying 2-3 nights in a nice hotel, they are being grumpy because she hasn't planned it around the dog (who can go to a dog sitter)

Apologies I haven't read the full thread but this exact situation happened to me years ago when I married, in my case it was granny who I was close to who couldn't travel.

On the day of my wedding I arranged to have flowers with my exact bouquets flowers delivered and I arranged for her friends to take her out for a special lunch.
I also arranged for a mini wedding cake to be made just for her (she also had some of the real cake after the wedding too) and some champagne which they all had at the time of our actual wedding so they could toast us.

This was all pre-smart phones and zoom, today I would probably have made use of that.
I just tried to make her feel included. All the things I planned were a surprise.
It worked well & she had a lovely day.

I would prioritise your DD's feelings over your parents in this situation...telling her how they feel is pointless if they were already aware they may not be able to travel when they booked the wedding. It sounds your parents could attend the wedding, but are seeing lots of obstacles. I agree to organising a celebration/reception for them closer to you.

Also as an aside it seems like some sort of plan b needs to be developed for the dog (poor thing - never having had a walk!). It doesn’t sound very sustainable if they’re both in such bad health - what’s the plan of one/both of them ends up in hospital?

This happens so often with blooming weddings.

If your DD wanted her grandparents there, she must have known they’d struggle to travel 200 miles and stay overnight, perhaps also requiring you to be ‘on call’ to them in their accommodation, meaning you might be unable to relax, drink etc. She should have at least asked you, or them, before booking. Because she didn’t do that, her GPs likely won’t be at her wedding. Very sad.

If she’s only just booked the wedding, I’d tell her now, so she’s aware straight away. It’s not being petty or causing her stress. It’s a big deal if she assumes the GPs can come. But, what’s the solution? She may be able to change venue. But then the problem is that most other guests would be travelling 200 miles to accommodate the GPs. And if the wedding’s a year or more away, how awful would it be if the GPs became too ill to attend anyway.

The only other solution is to book you and the GPs an Airbnb for a week as close a possible to the wedding venue, which accepts dogs and doesn’t have immediate neighbours (barking). Drive there a couple of days before the wedding, to get them and the dog settled and recovered from the journey. Same on way back. Tell them it’s a little holiday for them and the dog and they’ll be popping into the wedding while there.

If you posted this on gransnet you'd probably find a few more people with empathy instead of teenagers who have no concept of what it's like to be really ill.

Your parents may, in addition to the problems you know about, have continence issues as they are very common at that age. So if you make a plan to transport them bear in mind frequent stops may be necessary. Even if that is not an issue travelling is tiring as you age and you dont necessarily want to be exhausted and probably not sleeping well in a strange bed.

Your parents still need to accept it's your daughter's day and they either accept being exhausted and uncomfortable or they dont go. Work on them not telling your daughter they are upset. Tell your daughter it's unlikely they'll be able to make it and maybe ask if she can visit them either before or soon after the wedding, soon after might be best so she doesnt see their disappointment about not attending.

What happens if your DD, at great expense, relocates the wedding and the dog dies a week before? Or (heaven forfend) one of her GPs does? Or they decide that they are too frail to travel the two miles to the venue?

She should have her wedding where SHE wants. The GPs can watch a video link with the dreadful dog.

I sympathise with you op, my dm is late 70’s and we were in a similar boat with her not wanting to leave or bring her aging dog to travel a similar distance to visit us a similar distance away, so she refused to visit for 2-3 years despite us trying to come up with solutions like you. She was particularly stubborn, it was so frustrating. In the end we carried on without her and she missed my daughter’s 16th, 17th and 18th birthdays, a couple of Christmases and a few holidays.

I couldn’t believe she would even consider missing these things because she was normally so keen to come here and we were all very close and did a lot of family events. We offered all sorts of solutions but she dug her heels in, so missed out.

The dog was elderly and incontinent and had never been left with anyone so she said it would be cruel to start it when elderly. The dog has now died, but my dm is now a bit out of the habit of going anywhere after staying in so long

I would say to your dd 'obviously grandparents won't be able to travel that far with all their health issues plus the dog but I presume you thought of that when booking?'

It does seem thoughtless. Is she close to her grandparents?

They are being awkward. My 93 year old mother went to Ireland twice last year for family events. If the wedding was near you, a greater number would have to travel. GP should do it for love of your daughter. Dogs to not come before close family

But would you be annoyed that events don't revolve around making life easier for you? I think it's fine to not go to the wedding but you can't make the bride and groom feel bad about making perfectly acceptable choices for their own wedding.

i can understand why the GPs are upset, I’m sure the wedding of your DD was a bright spot they were looking forward to. But I don’t think your DD has necessarily done anything wrong although I suspect if she didn’t speak to them before about the venue, she knew it perhaps wouldn’t go down well. I think my parents would be upset if my DD did this but I also don’t think they’d say much about it and would understand the practical reasons a decision has been made. My parents would find it tricky to travel that distance too. Their health is not great but I think they also feel very anxious when away from home. But I’m wondering if one idea might be to split the travel time so there’s breaks/times to rest. Or could they zoom in somehow? And your DD do a special dinner with them some time later closer to them? Or a pre-wedding dinner? They’d get to spend more time with her then anyway. Anyway, just some thoughts.

They're choosing a venue near his large fanily. If i was the op I'd be pissed off that that couldn't even compromise and choose somewhere in the middle so an hours travel for both sides.
Family count, grandparents count. When my dc get married if gps still around then their comfort will be top of the list venue wise.

I am well into middle age so not quite there yet but I am determined to never make my kids feel guilty for doing things that suits them or them & their new family if they have one.
I had my time in the sun and I loved it at the time, there is no way I will be casting a shadow over theirs.

It's easy to say the DD here should be changing things for her GPs but she is negotiating with another family now don't forget, there may be other complications on their side that need to be dealt with too.
And she wants her young friends to come too which is understandable.

Sorry, but I think the GPs need to let her have her day without making her feel guilty for it. With some careful thought she can make them feel special & included too without changing the whole event just for them.

If you bothered to read the OP's post you would know the granddaughter had acknowledged pre-booking that the GPS may not be able to make it. And really, even if she hadn't, hopefully the OP would not be daft enough to use your passive aggressive and patronising wording.

The granddaughter hasn't been thoughtless at all. She has booked her wedding where the bride and groom, the groom's family and all the b&g's friends live over a destination 200 miles away from them all where the bride's family live. If they had booked by the OP and grandparents then you would be calling them thoughtless for not being near the groom's grandparents.

I'm sorry but I think it's outrageous for a grandparent to put so much pressure on the bride.
Young people are always accused of putting themselves first, but the elderly can be very selfish sometimes.
I say that as an older person myself. I'm sick of hearing my friends moan that they don't see their grandchildren enough but when they do they are just bossy, opinionated and rude.
I hope your DD has the wedding of her dreams.

@Mumsgirls Sorry I quoted you by mistake!

Op i wouldn't entertain anything your mum says. It sounds like it makes sense for youre smaller group of family to travel to them rather then their bigger group travel your end. If your daughter will get upset don't tell her. Remind your mum of the facts and tell her said daughter loves her. If it were me I'd say to your daughter when you have a spare day come down and spend it with your grandparents (even if its after the wedding) as they can't make the wedding. Make a tiny celebration of it and just don't entertain any negative comments. Shut it down in a nice way of course.

Sounds more about the dog than their health. My parents had an out of control dog that hampered their life for 14 years. People stopped going round and they didn’t go away as much. Their choice though as it is your parents.

I think your daughter made these arrangements without thinking it through properly. As she's said she wants the grandparents at the wedding you must tell her, but in a very gentle way. Don't tell her what your mother said about her prioritising her friends etc.

Agree. Don’t tell your DD your mum’s upset. Just matter-of-factly say it’s unlikely they’ll be able to attend. Better she knows asap, rather than finds out later.

Then, explain to your mum that nearly all the other wedding guests, not to mention your DD and her DP, live where the wedding is, so it’d be a logistical nightmare to have the wedding where you and GPs live. DD can’t pop to the venue easily to make arrangements, most guests would then need an overnight stay meaning some may not attend etc etc. In other words, persuade your mum she shouldn’t be too self-centred about the location and certainly shouldn’t be upset with DD. It used to be traditional that the bride always married where she was originally from, so that might be why your mum is surprised and upset.

Then, work on finding a solution for your parents to attend. A week’s dog-friendly home-from-home holiday let near the venue, so they can pop back and forth to wedding and reception, with a rest in between. Maybe overnight stays halfway to break up the journey. If they refuse every possible solution or it becomes unfeasible nearer the time, find ways for them to participate, e.g, prerecorded video message, watching livestream, getting your daughter’s bouquet afterwards, an special celebration for your family after the honeymoon etc.

Pet friendly Air B&B?

Tell DD that GP won't be able to come to the wedding. Don't tell her what your mum has said, as your mum isn't being reasonable. Possibly her health is making her selfish, and if that's out of character then no need for DD to have it over shadow her day. It's sad for all they can't be there, but that's how life goes and what can't be reasonably changed has to be accepted. When I got married my partners grandma couldn't be there. We visited the week before and I gave her a secret preview of my dress. Could something similar be arranged to involve your mum?