Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

I think your mum, her GM, is being very unreasonable. Sounds to me like she's throwing a strop, and your DD has made a perfectly reasonable decision for her wedding.

The dog is 11 now and they got him as a puppy. So they were only in their late 60s when they made the decision to get a puppy.

Either they could walk him at that stage and chose not to (cruel).

Or they couldn't walk a dog but got a puppy anyway rather than rehoming an older dog (cruel). The issue is not so much that they don't walk an elderly dog in their late 70s but that they have NEVER walked him. And apparently never been challenged on it either as OP describes the dog as "spoiled" and their neurotic behaviour as "quirky" thus minimising the cruelty.

If your Dd knew that them not going was a possibility when she booked the venue then I don't see it being much of an issue (and I mean that in a polite way).

Your dd has already accepted the risk of them not being there so it's not like it would ruin her day if they don't attend.

Your parents have decided not to go. The fact you're coming up with solutions and they're being awkward and putting obstacles in the way shows they're being stubborn and not too bothered anyway.

Surely for your own sake you just accept they're not going and focus on looking forward to your DDs big day - don't let it spoil things for you.

Who knows - maybe when your parents realise your Dd isn't willing to plan a wedding location purely to suit them at the inconvenience of the vast majority they'll suddenly decide to go after all.

In response to your actual question, I think you tell your Dd that it's looking unlikely they'll go. But then she seems aware of that already?

I had a similar incident. My mother treated my wedding like her own social event and when I said no to inviting relatives we had never met she responded nastily with "how many friends is SHE inviting then?"

You need to remind your parents that this is her wedding, not theirs and it makes complete sense she would hold her wedding close to where she lives.

They can either get over themselves or hold a grudge. Driving down and staying over is hardly a hardship

Reading follow up posts by OP, the grandparents put their dog before the granddaughter - even less sympathy for them now.

Similar age and with a DH mid seventies with some health issues and nothing would stop us travelling to a GCs wedding.

What?! Her home and life are 200 miles away from her grandparents. She has booked her wedding where she lives. It's her wedding FFS.

Good grief.

Rude.

It's obvious the dog comes before the granddaughter

@Mummyoflittledragon but did you throw a strop because people would jut rearrange their day for you?

My DD is disabled and misses out on things. She likes to be considered but would not expect people to change absolutely everything to suit her.

They’re choosing a Dog over their GDs wedding.

If you must speak to your DD at all then that is precisely what I’d be saying - not some nonsense over it’s too far/they’re unwell. Because that’s not it. It’s the dog.

@birdseatworms IF you did persuade DP’s to travel to the wedding, would you then have to spend your day looking out for them? I think you deserve to enjoy the day too, not potentially taking them back to the hotel or whatever if they’re tired or don't like the thumping techno music!

I’d tell DD that you doubt that they will come, but don’t mention the DP’s are grumpy about it. Take a video and show them later in the comfort of their own home. Hope you all have a fab day.

Does the venue have services that allow you to stream the wedding?

Is there a more distant relative or friend that isn't going and would set up a laptop (preferably connect to TV) if their eye sight is poor and help them to watch from a distance?

I think you have to tell your daughter but given the location makes sense, try and find some sort of compromise so they can be part of the day.

It might be easier on her if you've already come up with some options.

I don't think trying to get them there is sensible. It will be too much for them and spoil it for you if you are running round supporting them. Even a local venue sounds like it would be a struggle.

Your daughter could build 10 minutes into the timetable to phone them on the day or if she's visiting a few weeks before the wedding could bring her dress and give them a sneak preview. Or you could all have a special wedding meal together a week or so before. Can she do something to include them in wider wedding plans even if they are not there.

I think you need to be firm with them though and emphasize that your daughter is in an impossible situation to accommodate everyone and you don't want her to be made to feel bad.

Even if your DD did get married where you live what would your parents do with their neglected dog?

Buy the Boston Terrier a gift of two nights in Doggy Hotel and see how it copes.
I bet it would be perfectly fine.

Your parents are selfish. They could stay for a couple of nights and take their time travelling.
A driver/carer could pick them up and travel directly, giving them enough time to freshen up for an hour before the wedding... so leaving home five hours before the wedding.
They could witness the wedding, be in the photos and then leave whenever they want - getting home late at night to see doggie, or staying over and driving home for a late lunch.

Would one of them go without the other?
If you could persuade one parent to attend the other might be keener to go too.

I kind of think ‘each to their own’, without a drama.

DD has chosen a venue knowing that the likelihood is her DGP’s can’t attend.

DGP’s don’t feel they can travel and a reluctant/scared to make changes to attend.

There is the answer. If I were you, I would just accept the practicalities and wedding goes ahead without DGP’s.

(I have very elderly parents and know that this would be too much for them. DF requires very frequent toilet stops (like “NOW” when driving him on the motorway), the preparation ( clothing, gifts, accommodation, travel) and the unfamiliarity of being elsewhere would be too much).

I always find these type of threads puzzling: family members or friends taking offence that a couple is organising their own wedding as they wish...

My usual answer is the the day is about them, not about everyone else and they should not have to bend over backwards to accommodate everyone's preferences and drama.

What matters is that they have a lovely day that they can enjoy without having to worry about every relative.

If her grand mother is too unwell to travel she also would be likely to be too unwell to attend a wedding and take part in the celebrations even if the venue was closer to home.

Not the point of your post but I would tell your Dd how her fiance deals with his mother is a taster of things to come. Hopefully he is pushing back on his DMs comments.

You don't need to go into all the details about how granny feels but you should tell DD that granny says she doesn't feel able to attend at the location that DD's chosen.

My priority is that my DD and her fiance have the day they want.

But it's not about your priorities. The day DD wants includes her granny so DD is going to have to figure something out.

DD is getting married so she's an adult and needs to start making serious decisions for herself. If she's close to her grandparents then she will probably want to talk to her granny and granny might accept suggestions coming from DD that she doesn't accept from you. What she said to you may just mean she's miffed because DD hasn't talked to her yet!

Your parents unfortunately have made it impossible with the added issue of their terrier. It's totally normal to marry where you live and where most of the friends are etc, I got married in London and my North Eastern family travelled down, that was mine and my fiancées home of 15 years and made sense, his grandma couldn't come though she was closest geographically but tbf she was 90!

Your parents have had alot of health issues and no doubt the anxiety that comes with so i understand your mum is disappointed, but fuelling disappointment with anger never ends well in a family. Can they find a dog sitter in the meantime that they trust and accept the invite and the massive amount of help on offer from yourself. At the very least they shouldn't be offended at your daughter or angry.

It does sound with all their health issues that you need to be honest with your daughter without the information that grandmother is annoyed, and maybe see if there's a way to include everyone in their plans somehow, let them know the full information so they can be part of the decision.

This is my thought too. If your DD did rearrange her wedding to have it near her DGPs meaning all her friends and in laws, have to travel miles and stay overnight, wouldn't the DGPs just leave early anyway to get back to the dog?
Would they expect another family member to leave the party and take them home?
I think you should just tell your DD that it is too much for them to travel and leave it at that. Ask her to speak to them direct if she wants, you will drive yourself mad being a go between, and the stress will ruin DD wedding day for you.

Your parents sound awful. And the dog sounds utterly ridiculous. If they really wanted to go they would but it sounds like they've got themselves into a very negative mindset about their age.

They've been offered plenty of solutions and have umpteen offers of help but still they dig their heels in. I'd try one last time to get them to agree to go and then tell them that it's their own fault they're not going.

To be honest it sounds like you'll all enjoy the day much more without them there. In particular you OP! Just think about how much running around you won't have to do. You can actually concentrate on watching your daughter getting married.

I think the grandparents should explain it directly to their grand daughter. Why should the poster act as a go between? If the bride asks her mother, she should be referred to the grandparents. Why should they get a free pass to being so rude and put the MOB in the middle?

Can you travel with your parents and stay at a hotel partway to break it up?

TiredCatLady · Today 08:48

They’re choosing a Dog over their GDs wedding.
If you must speak to your DD at all then that is precisely what I’d be saying - not some nonsense over it’s too far/they’re unwell. Because that’s not it. It’s the dog.

This. I think a lot of this is just coming to terms with the lack of interest from the gps. And possibly that being a pattern that is uncomfortable as it may be a long standing apathy that has been there forever?