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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/03/2025 09:48

Dog friendly Airbnb? We’ve booked 3 this year for weekends, all allow 2 dogs or even 3, so that’s an easy win. If they’re driven by you, then I don’t see why they’re objecting.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2025 09:49

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:39

Everything you say makes sense. The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk. (I know, I know) So if the wedding was closer they could just leave her at home for the day. She's a quirky little dog. My parents moved to a new house and had wood flooring put in through much of it, but the dog wouldn't leave a carpeted room and would stand in the door and cry so DM now has throw rugs thrown everywhere so the dog can hop around to get where she wants. They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing.

Show quote history

If she's never been for a walk then she really isn't being well treated at all

BlackWhiteCircle · 08/03/2025 09:53

Of course your DD is going to want to get married where she lives, doing it 200 miles away is hard for her. Your parents sound hard work and moving the wedding just for them is silly

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 09:56

Were your parents fully involved in your wedding, OP?
I might be being harsh here but I think a wedding is very much about the couple & their parents really. Grandparents are obviously part of it but I don't think they take centre stage this time around.

You have had lots of good advice on here about how to talk to your daughter about it.
And lots of advice about how to try to get your parents there and accommodated.
I think you have to have a frank chat with your mum & that she has to move on this not your daughter

I hope it's a fabulous day when it arrives xx

ThreeMagicNumber · 08/03/2025 10:00

You say your dd and her fiancee want their grandparents there. So does her fiancee also have elderly grandparents close to where they, their friends and his family live?

My dB got married where he lives, about two hours away. It never even crossed our mind he'd not get married where he lives and should come to his old hometown. My nana never went but she was fine about it. My grandad (no longer together) did. Both with similar health issues, I guess it's about their desire and willingness to go. If they just want to see obstacles and be negative, that's on them.

I don't think id tell her so she'd change it but would let her know that your parents aren't going to make it due to the distance and their health issues as they feel it's too far to travel and due to the dog. Then she knows and has time to get her head round it.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 08/03/2025 10:05

Gloriia · 08/03/2025 09:31

They're choosing a venue near his large fanily. If i was the op I'd be pissed off that that couldn't even compromise and choose somewhere in the middle so an hours travel for both sides.
Family count, grandparents count. When my dc get married if gps still around then their comfort will be top of the list venue wise.

Show quote history

The venue will be up to your DC and their OH, and they, jointly might have a different opinion on venue than to facilitate one couple.

SunnyViper · 08/03/2025 10:07

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:39

Everything you say makes sense. The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk. (I know, I know) So if the wedding was closer they could just leave her at home for the day. She's a quirky little dog. My parents moved to a new house and had wood flooring put in through much of it, but the dog wouldn't leave a carpeted room and would stand in the door and cry so DM now has throw rugs thrown everywhere so the dog can hop around to get where she wants. They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing.

Show quote history

What an awful life for the dog. It borders on abuse.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 08/03/2025 10:08

Your mum is being selfish and making it all about her.

When we got married MIL warned us that grandma probably wouldn't make it for similar reasons. But hell would have to freeze over for her not to make it to her grandson's wedding. She only stayed for the ceremony, but she got there. And she'd been housebound for years.

OopsyDaisie · 08/03/2025 10:09

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

They need to choose between spending the night with their beloved dog or seeing their beloved GD getting married.....

AlexandrinaH · 08/03/2025 10:09

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:09

Thank you for all of the replies. My apologies, I should have said in my OP that DD knew they might not be able to attend before she booked it.

As for those asking if they can't really travel, there are quite a few issues. My dad has the beginning of macular degeneration, just finished treatment for prostate cancer and now has to have surgery on his tongue due to precancer. My mum had a knee replacement last year (and it has been a tough recovery for her), needs the other knee done (but doesn't want to go through another one), has some vision loss and is often dizzy. On top of that, they are both always tired. As I said, they are an old 79.

I would happily drive them as would my sister. I would even get them a limousine as someone suggested. I would get them set up in a comfortable hotel. BUT they have a beloved 11 year-old Boston Terrier who really should see a dog psychiatrist and has never been boarded or been in a crate, so my parents feel they can't stay overnight. On top of that they can be very stubborn and dig their heels in.

I feel like there is a no-win here for somebody.

With all due respect, none of those health issues would prevent them sitting in the car for two hours.

OopsyDaisie · 08/03/2025 10:13

AlexandrinaH · 08/03/2025 10:09

With all due respect, none of those health issues would prevent them sitting in the car for two hours.

Show quote history

I agree, it seems the biggest challenge is the dog.... who seems to hVe been "spoilt ritten" her whole.life and probably these precedent over fising a way to travel to the wedding....

TonerNeedsReplacing · 08/03/2025 10:14

Surely they just need to get a dog sitter in for 1-2 nights here? Sounds like they are being stubborn and controlling.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 08/03/2025 10:17

crockofshite · 08/03/2025 04:10

Can they set up a live video link for the ceremony?

And make sure the speeches and room decorations and guests are videoed so grandparents can watch those bits back later.

This is what we’re going to do for my mum for DD’s wedding.

Newnameshoos · 08/03/2025 10:17

We chose our venue for convenience, partly because of needing to do appointments with the registrar in the local authority where the venue was, partly because we met with the venue each month from 6 months before, then weekly in the month before. It would have been easier for our guests had we 'gone home' to get married but trying to fit in all these appointments at a 200 mile distance would have been a nightmare with our work commitments. It was both our second marriage so we decided to dump any and all traditions and do what we wanted.
I can see it from both sides but your daughter and soon to be sil are probably choosing local as they know what is around there in terms of services and things.
Also, what a refreshing read it was to see you acknowledging it's her day not yours. I think there are a lot of us whose mothers planned our wedding (my first one definitely ended up being the day she'd wished for). Maybe his mum is doing a bit of that!

Blogswife · 08/03/2025 10:26

If your parents genuinely can’t travel then they probably won’t be up to a full on day either , so why don’t they join by video link ?
That way they get to attend without all of the travel
If this doesn’t suit them then let your parents break the news to their GD. It’s unreasonable of them to expect all of the arrangements to be made around them , they need to compromise

BobbyBiscuits · 08/03/2025 10:34

I think your mum is bang out of order trying to make it all about her. Does she want your daughter to bend at her whim, cancel the whole shebang and rearrange it for the church hall opposite her house, just because she 'doesn't want to travel'.

You need to try and get her there. Tell her it's not her place to be hurt and not to be selfish. If you offer to take her there and put her up somewhere nice why can't she? Unless she literally has to have carers several times a day and can't sit in a car at all?

BustingBaoBun · 08/03/2025 10:37

It's all about the dog. Nothing else. A wee pad sounds revolting. Does it poo on there too?
🤮🤢

melonalone · 08/03/2025 10:44

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:39

Everything you say makes sense. The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk. (I know, I know) So if the wedding was closer they could just leave her at home for the day. She's a quirky little dog. My parents moved to a new house and had wood flooring put in through much of it, but the dog wouldn't leave a carpeted room and would stand in the door and cry so DM now has throw rugs thrown everywhere so the dog can hop around to get where she wants. They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing.

Show quote history

I was coming on here to say that if your DD really wanted them at the wedding, she would have chosen a venue closer to them.

However, from dog’s pee pad it’s clear your parents are just inherently selfish people, and I suspect that they would still find problems with the wedding even if it was in their back garden.

I would mention to your daughter that they are difficult and don’t expect them to come, and leave it at that. She shouldn’t rearrange the wedding just for them as they would only find something else to moan about.

DecafDodger · 08/03/2025 10:48

I was coming on here to say that if your DD really wanted them at the wedding, she would have chosen a venue closer to them.

But should she prioritise the grandparents over everyone else? Her friends and partner's family live near the venue - I'm sure plenty of them will also have various issues why travelling 200 miles would be challenging.

In any case, yes it's about the dog. Grandparents thing the DD shoud prioritise their dog's needs over everyone else. Bonkers.

Pigsears · 08/03/2025 10:48

The dog has never been for a walk?!

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 08/03/2025 10:55

Mention it but not in the context of the wedding otherwise it could be seen as interference and trying to get them to change the venue so it's more convenient for your side of her family. Let her know their health means they can't travel too far (for holiday/ to visit other friends/ family etc ).

MeganM3 · 08/03/2025 10:55

she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away.

She is just being spiteful because the wedding isn't exactly as she wanted. DD is completely right to have the wedding where she now lives and lots of her friends are. That makes sense! 79 is not that old, and 200 miles is not THAT far.

I'd tell DD. And also tell her not to make changes to accommodate, as she shouldn't have to. It is her wedding and her GP should be honoured to be there.

Fullofpop · 08/03/2025 10:56

Op why can’t you walk the dog

or arrange a bloody dog walker

Gundogday · 08/03/2025 11:04

It sounds like your parents could be difficult, with their health problems, dog and stubbornness. Maybe dd as decided it’ll be easier not to have them there, one less thing to worry about…

BeelzebubsHoover · 08/03/2025 11:11

AliceMcK · 08/03/2025 02:16

I’m all about bride and groom choices, but if you genuinely believe it’s something your dd wants and dosnt feel able to push for/hasn’t thought through. A gentle one on one conversation needs to be had. Tell her your concerns with no judgement, pressure. Maybe suggest a small and secretive family registry office for the DGPs before the big day, it can be very intimate and no one needs to know, just you, DGPs and your dd and her fiancé. I would even bow out so it’s just them. No one needs to know. Plenty of people have an official legal ceremony and then a big show wedding.

Explain you don’t want to pressure them ( especially if getting it already) but explain how you have here, you dd might regret this.

Weddings these days is more about friends than family, nothing wrong with that mine was friend heavy, but I’d have moved heaven and earth to have my Nan involved if she’d had been around.

This is quite mad

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