Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

So in reality they are putting the dog first?

My best friend attended her son's wedding with stage 4 cancer in the middle of chemotherapy. Wild horses. It was 100 miles away but she did it.

They need to either attend or ask DGD to stream it.

I'm sure the bride would be delighted by the suggestion to wear her wedding dress to a house where the dog wees all over the floor.

So the real problem is their obsession with a weird dog. 🤔 The other issues are tricky but manageable. If they want to go.

I think your dd could equally feel aggrieved that the dog is more important than her wedding.

They’re 79, it’s not ancient and should be able to travel if they were determined to. It sounds manipulative of them to get what they want. I wouldn’t tell her myself, I’m sure they’ll be itching to tell her.

I can’t get past how appallingly that poor dog has been treated. It needs looking after properly or re homing if that’s not going to happen.

This is very sad and echoes what happened at my son's wedding. Son and wife decided to marry in London, where they lived. Neither are from London. All good. My parents said they'd come. my sister said she'd help them get there - similar distance to OP's parents from the wedding. My mum was very mobile and very fit. Dad wasn't - beginnings of dementia and poor mobility. But yes, sister said her job was to make sure they got there.
Cue the day before the wedding when we were travelling up and Mum calls to say theyre not coming.
Wedding went ahead but I was sad they weren't there.
When I got home I discovered my sister, far from encouraging them to go had in fact been doing the reverse - an email revealed she'd actually said 'well I wouldn't go - it was selfish of them to have the wedding so far away'. God knows what other poison she'd been dripping to make sure they didn't go.
Cue a rift with my sister who'd publicly said she'd help and privately did the reverse!

The worst thing is though that a year later mum succumbed to a catastrophic stroke and never recovered. And honestly - she'd have bloody loved that wedding. Dancing, chatting, a last hurrah. And she was robbed of it. That makes me very sad.

I think you should asign someone to make sure your parents get to that wedding OP - but make sure it's someone you can trust. I clearly shouldn't have trusted my sister! You never know what's around the corner and your parents could somehow get there with help - just as my parents ought to have

When my dog was old (19) and getting near the end we used to stay at Travelodges as they are OK with having dogs, you pay a supplement but it isn't a lot. Would that help?

Where did I say anything about the dd justifying herself? It's grandma who's unhappy by about it, grandma should tell her directly. Or op should tell her mum to call the dd. It's grandma with the problem after all.
I've had experience of those who just won't say directly they have a problem with something/someone, preferring just to drip, drip,drip with comments/whining at a 3rd party and hoping they'll do the dirty work. No. If you've got a problem deal with it yourself. That's what I meant.

As much as I loved my grandparents, I wouldn't have arranged my entire wedding around their dog either.

When we got married my last surviving grandparent was in a home and completely immobile. She wouldn't have been able to attend my wedding even if it had been held next door. So we got married in France, where we live. My 81 year old aunt travelled from Wales to be there, and my husband's 90 year old grandmother and her sister (and several other relatives in their 90s) travelled several hours to be there.

Your parents need to have a plan for who would look after their dog if they were ill. Would it not be possible to find an experienced dig sitter willing to spend a weekend at their house?

I would talk to them and explain that your DD has made a perfectly legitimate choice to get married near where she and most of their wedding guests live. It is not reasonable to expect her to arrange her entire wedding around them and their dog. Try to persuade them to make an effort. But if they won't, they won't.

I don't see the point in telling your daughter anything. You say she already knew there was a chance they wouldn't come before she booked her wedding. She's made her choice and accepted the risk that they won't come. Please don't attempt to guilt trip her. She's done nothing wrong.

Having read the update about the dog that has never been walked (!!) - your parents are sadly being unreasonable here

We have to take people as they are! But - I think you can be honest with your parents and say 200 miles is no distance for a one off and the entire wedding cannot be arranged around a poorly trained dog.

Can you imagine being your DD and being forced to arrange a wedding 200 miles away just to keep your family happy? All her friends and his family are where they are, it makes total sense for your family to be the ones travelling,

Your parents are just manipulating the situation to suit them. Lots of people there age travel and many will have health problems. As for the dog, they can get a dog sitter to look after it but it’s a daft reason to not go to a wedding.

Your DD has arranged a wedding in the place where she lives. There is nothing unreasonable about that. She is aware that the GP may not attend and went ahead. She's got all the information she needs.

She presumably knows that her GP are stubborn and unreasonable people, they got a dog in their sixties (when presumably the list of medical ailments that's preventing them sitting in a car for four hours weren't present) yet never took that dog out for a walk.

I'm not sure what has to be going on with you mentally to get a dog and never take it out for a walk for eleven years, but I don't think you can expect much of those people in a wider sense in terms of reason.

The issue is not with their dog, it's not quirky, not spoiled, it's mistreated. It's not the wedding venue. Or their bad knee. The issue is your parents and what goes on between their ears.

No you don't say anything further to your DD, or to your parents. Do not assume a go between role. The situation is theirs if the making, and it's come home to roost.

I think you shld sit with them and say you will find a trusted individual to stay in the house with their dog - and once / if they turn that offer down - that's on them.

@birdseatworms
Sounds like from the beginning your daughter knew her grandparents were likely not be able to attend. Why not just accept that and plan a nice posh family meal out after the wedding in a local hotel so your parents can go to that and at least have some kind of marking of the day.

Anything else just seems like a huge amount of effort for grandparents who actually don't want to travel - and a crazy dog!

In answer to the specific question about whether you tell your daughter how upset they are, I probably wouldn't - but try and organise something else for the family that includes them

Your parents are being unreasonable. If it was that important to them to be there, they’d make the effort.

I had a not dissimilar experience when we got married - Mil dictated that we had to make some changes to our wedding to enable some elderly relatives to attend. I wasn’t massively happy about it but agreed and did it, only for said relatives to decide not to come. By that time, it was too late to change back. Very annoying.

It's a shame that GP are unable to travel, however they will still have the joy of knowing about the wedding, celebrating their dgd's happiness etc. Perhaps your dd could have the wedding professionally videoed, or even live stream so GP can watch it at home?

i have a family member who had a major op last year and hasn’t recovered from the exhaustion plus some health issues have been life changing. They can’t manage a short walk. Plus with vision issues and not knowing where he is will be tricky for your dad. Your daughter knew when she booked it. I would just tell her it’s unlikely they are coming. Even if she had married nearer would they have left the dog?

They need a pet sitter who will stay in their house with their dog (who seems to me the real victim in all of this). They need to decide that obviously they will be at their granddaughter’s wedding and start looking for solutions, not problems. And, frankly, they need to stop blaming other people.

Honestly, it sounds like unless the wedding was next door, your parents wouldn't go. DD could move the whole shebang to 20 minutes down the road and GPs would say they couldn't leave the dog

OP tell your DD that sadly DGM is not going to be able to travel to the wedding, set up a video link for the actual day and then arrange a celebratory post wedding tea party at the DGM's house and the dog can be part of it too. Play the wedding video and your DD can even put her dress back on.

Can't get over the dog never having been on a walk though, seriously?

The most important thing is that You are being supportive to your daughter -

That will mean the world.

Everyone else seems to be looking after their own interests, which is totally not fair on your daughter's wedding day.

As PP said it's the youngsters time and people get married abroad these days too!

Free your mind of any guilt tripping and enjoy the special day Mum of the Bride:)💝

Agreed. Practical solution.

It's 200 miles, not the pissing moon.

FIL travelled down to us - Yorkshire to south coast - in DH's comfy car, with lots of stops, me there too providing snacks, drinks and meds the day he was discharged after a triple heart bypass.

He had to come to us for respite as there just wasn't anyone else, there was external unavoidable factors and we had small children that needed care too!

Hospital were absolutely fine with it, just had to factor in stops to get him moving.

Your parents not wanting to travel and being unable to travel are two very different things. Is hazard a guess they'll soon come round when they realise the wedding isn't going to change to suit.

Ok so this isn’t can’t go. This is a choice not to go. They have no right to expect someone to move a wedding for a dog.