Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

Not all Nans are the same. This one struggles and the bride should have thought of that imo.

I do find it a bit odd for them to plan a wedding so far away without discussion if her grandparents attending was a priority.

You should warn her that they may not be able to attend because of the distance and the dog just so it doesn't come as a shock later. She shouldn't change her plans though.

What about the groom's nan, or anyone else? Or what the bride and groom actually want?

Realistically, your parents cannot attend. My MIL (77) didn't go to the wedding of one of her sons last year, she's too frail and didn't want to stay over for 2 nights. Just tell your daughter that the GPs would have loved to attend, but don't feel up to the travel.

No one is in the 'wrong' here, it's just the way it is.

Yes, she probably did.
And then she thought about all of her friends and her fiance and his family. And herself.

It's manipulative for the GPs to make her feel guilty over this in my opinion. Especially when they seem unwilling to sort out their dog situation to make things easier.

Yes tell her and tell her not to worry about it or be upset. It sounds like they just want a bit of a moan to me and probably had no intentions of going as it's too much for them and they don't want to leave the dog.

My family made strange comments to mum too about my wedding. It was abroad. My aunt wasn't happy that I had booked my own travel before sending out the invites. She said I should have got the details of everyone going and then I should have booked it for everyone 🤣 eh no! Can you imagine the hassle of that and trying to get the money off people 😮 She also had no intentions of going she just wanting to pass comment. My nan wld have never come either even if it was local. She was in her 80's and ill health too and I don't think wld have enjoyed it.

For the people saying to host a second gathering, there’s no way that I’d be planning a second celebration because my grandparents couldn’t be arsed to come to the first one. And not 200 miles away from my venue the day before when I should be prepping, as has been suggested.

No they aren’t but most understand that an entire wedding cannot and should not be moved for them especially given the fact they seem to be fairly housebound

my point is that age isn’t the boundary necessarily they are and having it closer would not help

I suspect there is probably a whole backstory which could well belong in the stately homes thread that the OP hasn’t even now faced up to with her parents and I don’t think having it closer would help

all the OP can do is reassure her daughter the decision she has made is the right one for HER and her groom to be

Given that they've had some notice about the dates, would it be an option to plan to travel the day before, perhaps if someone else could drive them? You could break the journey into chunks to have a rest and comfort breaks. They could have a good sleep staying somewhere nice that night and repeat the journey the day after the wedding?

I am sure your daughter expects her grandparents to be there. So that makes me think that it's not obvious they cannot travel,

I think it's down to the grandparents to tell your daughter and for them to decide what they tell her. But sooner rather than later.

For you I would tell your parents how disappointed they would be and try and help them to find a solution,

Thank you all for taking time to respond. I am reading and taking in each and every response.

Regarding the dog, she doesn’t pee throughout the house wherever she wants. She has an allocated tray with removeable pads in the utility room. These are sold in pet supply stores. The pads are changed several times a day. When I was a kid it was not uncommon for people to paper train their dog to do their business rather than doing it outside. I don’t know why, it just was. We are in the US (but I lived in the UK for 20 years).

"Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. ... My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own."

"But my mum in particular has become stubborn and difficult in her old age and once she decides something she rarely can be persuaded otherwise."

So it sounds to me as if it's more a case of WON'T, not CAN'T. Your mother has cast herself into the role of 'victim', and will stubbornly stay in that role no matter what arrangements you make for her comfort. She wants her granddaughter to show that she, her grandmother, is the most important invitee to this wedding, and nothing less than moving the whole wedding to her location will serve to make her importance clear. It's nothing short of emotional blackmail.

And don't get me started on your mum choosing the importance of her dog over the importance of her granddaughter!

I'd dial it back. Whenever the forthcoming wedding is mentioned, I'd insert 'such a pity you won't be going' into the conversation. She'll take umbrage that you are making the decision that she is not going, not her. She'll take umbrage that you sound disinterested in moving heaven and earth to make it happen. If she's that stubborn, pretty soon she'll start suggesting solutions herself. At the very least, it will establish if she wants to go, or prefers to indulge her 'woe is me' act.

Sorry to sound so harsh when you've got all this worry on your shoulders - but it doesn't belong on your shoulders, and you need to drop the rope.

@birdseatworms if you're in the US am actually very surprised that a 200 mile distance is seen as anything. My Texan relatives think nothing of driving for several hours and back again for a day trip.

It's not just the travel and the hotel, they'll need the stamina to get through the long day and enjoy it.
Doesn't sound like they will and will likely require lots of assistance and attending to in the day, not sure if you have other family members willing to do that? (And potentially have their experience of the wedding very changed).
Having worked with lots of elderly people, they often get to a point where they don't really want to endure social events and don't enjoy them, but get dragged along because family members feel guilty or feel they should be participating. No one enjoys it and both can feel resentful.

Sounds like both your DD and GPs have made the right decision.

GPs can be mentioned in the speeches, see the video and the photos. Bride & groom can even record a quick vid message on the day when they are all dressed up. I imagine that's enough for the GPs, they have a lot going on by the sound of it and need to rest and have the comfort of their own home.

Stream the ceremony for them.

I'm in the US and for a lot of people 200 miles is nothing.

Re the dog, I have never known anyone who uses pee pads instead of taking dogs out to toilet for anything other than a temporary situation.

Precisely, I wonder if the GM is used to calling the shots and having others do her bidding without question and this is first time that hasn't happened!

When I was a kid it was not uncommon for people to paper train their dog to do their business rather than doing it outside. I don’t know why, it just was. We are in the US (but I lived in the UK for 20 years)

Sure. And in both the UK and US, dogs are really spoilt if they never get to go outside and are never taken for a walk. Because they have pee pads so it’s fantastic and not a problem at all. In fact, such a great idea, should be extended to people. Hang on, it is, some people really spoil other people by keeping them captive in houses for decades and giving them a bucket to go to the toilet among other treats as they spoil them, no problem at all with it. I guess it’s only a problem if it stops people attending family weddings due to not wishing to leave their spoilt captives……..

@birdseatworms i would just casually say to Dd “you know it’s a real possibility that gran and grandad won’t be able to make it ?

Seed is planted and say no more. .
Granparents can make the effort or miss out that’s their choice.
You should like a good mum and I wouldn’t put any stress on your Dd that’s not needed .

200 miles away? Fine if you’ve won the lottery!

When you were a kid
I am presuming we are talking many decades ago
Not 11 years ago when your parents got this puppy. And presumably they were in better health then but they still chose to be lazy-assed dog owners and never take it for a walk.
shameful

For house training your puppy yes before they can reliably go outside but never for ever, and sorry it’s not spoiled it’s animal abuse

If she knew they might not make it to the wedding she doesn't have anything to be upset about. Gosh she needs to live her life for and not people please. She can go through the wedding photos/video with her grandparents after the wedding. I don't see a problem apart from people pleasing and unrealistic expectations. Hope the gps don't make her feel guilty.

Around £250 each way. The train would probably cost £75 each way each so not a huge difference. It's for a very special occasion.