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Original poster

Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

469 replies

birdseatworms · 07/03/2025 23:34

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
tallhotpinkflamingo · 08/03/2025 12:00

DD does a wedding party day beforehand - it can just be in your garden/one of the other family's but wedding-style with decorations, bubbly, a nice cake and formal attire - and they livestream the actual wedding for the GP to watch at home.

valder · 08/03/2025 12:04

Again, grandparents should have the courage of their convictions and say it to GD themselves. Not hide behind their daughter.

They won't though, will they? They want YOU to do it for them and cause mayhem.

OP, I wouldn't say anything to your daughter. There is an unnecessary amount of drama involved in this for something that can be easily overcome if they really want to be there.

Timetoheal4good · 08/03/2025 12:05

I feel genuine frustration for people who buy pets and then use them as their excuse to stop living life. Then the animals are not well socialised and then nobody can go anywhere!

My question would be why, if your parents at 79 will sit on a couch for hours, why they can't sit in a car as a one off. The comments about your DD prioritising others is just plain not nice. It's creating an us and them dynamic before they're even married. Instead of prioritising anyone, let them prioritise themselves for one day and say simply that to your Mum. That to make their Granddaughter happy for one day and give the family a special memory together, will they travel if you make all reasonable adjustments for them. Instead of your DD rearranging a wedding and every other guest having to travel to appease your parents.

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2025 12:06

My head is spinning
They are prioritising a dog
....who never goes out for a walk?

You WHAT now?

jamimmi · 08/03/2025 12:09

TBH I can seen it form both sides and I think your daughter has been completely reasonable. My gran couldn't come to my wedding, we went the weekend after and I wore my dress for her. Could your dd do soothing like that. Obviously there's also live stream these days. On the other hand what you have listed re health concerns wouldn't make it difficult for your parents to travel with help. I say that as an NHS worker who often sorts oxygen for patients to travel to weddings, and has a sight impaired husband. Si understand totally the issues with disabled travel. Personally I think the dogs the reason. Maybe a dog sitter? And you parents need to tell your daughter not you.

Simplelobsterhat · 08/03/2025 12:10

If your daughter has chosen a destination wedding they would have a point. But she's chosen where she lives, which is surely what most people do and is most practical in planning and preparation. It's surely not a matter of choosing anyone over anyone else, it's just that the majority of guests also live in that area (making it an evening more practical choice). It's a shame she doesn't live closer to you but that's life. You need to defend her and explain that to your parents.

Also, if she changed it just for them, with all their health problems there is no guarantee they could come anyway? Or they wouldn't stay long because of them, and the dog. And I don't think anyone should ever have to factor the needs of someone else's dog into their wedding planning!

In terms of your question, you says she already knows they may not be able to come so what are you talking about telling her? That they are moaning about her? No, why stir the pot and upset her. They can talk to her about it if they want.

CremeBruhlee · 08/03/2025 12:11

The grandparents are prioritising a dog over your daughter’s wedding let’s be honest. You could arrange same day return travel for them and a room to rest in during the day. Make sure that you 100% support your daughter on this. Don’t ’keep out of it’ but totally have her back. I would propose a solution like same day return travel and a dog sitter for the day and then it’s their option. The location is not the issue. I don’t have any relative that would behave this way and I have some in their 90s xx

Mindambling · 08/03/2025 12:11

I can imagine the journey would be tricky. You’d have to factor in several toilet trips on route and if they need disabled toilets it will be pot luck as to whether they’ll be clean, no slip hazards etc…

Also, would they be able to tolerate sitting in a car seat for long periods of time without getting their feet up or having a snooze in the afternoon maybe?

Then, how adaptable would they be to staying away from home if everything is set up for them to manage safely at home?

If they have a regular routine, will they cope without it?

albalass · 08/03/2025 12:13

I can't believe no one has intervened to help the poor dog at any point over the past decade. It has definitely not been spoilt rotten, it has been abused and no one has helped. It's really upset me to read this. Appalling.

OfNoOne · 08/03/2025 12:14

So, they prefer the dog and creating drama, over attending their granddaughter's wedding...

Ok, their choice. Don't feed the drama. They know there are options, and if this is what they want, they're the ones missing out. I hope your daughter, her fiancé and everyone else have a lovely day.

Pootlemcsmootle · 08/03/2025 12:16

Doesn't sound like your elderly parents can travel. But it's kind of obvious so it must've already occurred to your daughter. I don't see how pointing this out to her is a problem at ALL. It's more a statement of the obvious.

"Hey DD the wedding sounds amazing, but your GP can't come because of their health issues. They're sad to miss it so should we organise something lovely for them to do as a family as a private wedding thing, like a little blessing or something, right by them?"

MoiraRoseForever · 08/03/2025 12:21

birdseatworms · 08/03/2025 01:39

Everything you say makes sense. The dog has been trained to go on a dog pee pad in the house and has never been on a walk. (I know, I know) So if the wedding was closer they could just leave her at home for the day. She's a quirky little dog. My parents moved to a new house and had wood flooring put in through much of it, but the dog wouldn't leave a carpeted room and would stand in the door and cry so DM now has throw rugs thrown everywhere so the dog can hop around to get where she wants. They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing.

Show quote history

The dog is not spoiled rotten . The dog needs to be taken for walks and get out . Not trapped in a house . That is so cruel .

How can that be spoiling ! Poor animal sounds distressed .

Spirallingdownwards · 08/03/2025 12:23

I wouldn't tell your DD.

Her grandparents want to prioritise their dog over her wedding and are using excuses about their health as the reason, all of which you know yourself can be overcome fairly simply.

Tell your parents (or ILS) that it's a shame they don't want to celebrate their granddaughter's wedding and they will be missed on the day but you understand their dog is more important than their granddaughter. Then don't give it another thought or any more time. And concentrate of helping your DD have her dream wedding.

MoiraRoseForever · 08/03/2025 12:23

MoiraRoseForever · 08/03/2025 12:21

The dog is not spoiled rotten . The dog needs to be taken for walks and get out . Not trapped in a house . That is so cruel .

How can that be spoiling ! Poor animal sounds distressed .

Show quote history

And there is nothing quirky and amusing about the poor dogs life . Jumping from rug to rug and scared of the wood floor .

AthWat · 08/03/2025 12:35

Fancy getting married near to where you both live. I never heard of such a selfish act.

When I got married, I picked a little place just five minutes from the house of my second cousin twice removed in Australia, even though I had never spoken to her and all the rest of the family lived in Britain, because she said that "otherwise, she couldn't be bothered to come", and you know, family is important!

In the end she didn't make it after all. And neither did anyone else.

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 12:43

Having read the posts about the dog, the whole things sounds nuts.

And if your DD did rearrange the venue to suit her GP it sounds like they wouldn't be able to stay long anyway because of the dog!
All of the groom's family, the bride & groom and their friends all inconvenienced because of the GPs - not to mention the expense for your DD's young friends who may not be able to afford it.
No, it's pure selfishness on the GP's part and pulling the "we're old" card is manipulative. They should show their love for your DD by supporting her choices.

OfNoOne · 08/03/2025 12:44

Mindambling · 08/03/2025 12:11

I can imagine the journey would be tricky. You’d have to factor in several toilet trips on route and if they need disabled toilets it will be pot luck as to whether they’ll be clean, no slip hazards etc…

Also, would they be able to tolerate sitting in a car seat for long periods of time without getting their feet up or having a snooze in the afternoon maybe?

Then, how adaptable would they be to staying away from home if everything is set up for them to manage safely at home?

If they have a regular routine, will they cope without it?

Being in your 70s/80s/even 90s doesn't mean you're automatically incapable of doing things. It's a wedding a bit of a drive away, to which other family members can travel with them and at which they can have a lot of support. Most people would want to try to attend their grandchild's wedding.

What's tricky about factoring toilet and rest breaks in to a several hours long car journey? Don't most people do that either for themselves or their children anyway? If a toilet isn't clean, people can ask staff members wherever they are to clean it.

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 12:45

OfNoOne · 08/03/2025 12:44

Being in your 70s/80s/even 90s doesn't mean you're automatically incapable of doing things. It's a wedding a bit of a drive away, to which other family members can travel with them and at which they can have a lot of support. Most people would want to try to attend their grandchild's wedding.

What's tricky about factoring toilet and rest breaks in to a several hours long car journey? Don't most people do that either for themselves or their children anyway? If a toilet isn't clean, people can ask staff members wherever they are to clean it.

Show quote history

Because in reality it's more about the dog. Which is just crazy!

OfNoOne · 08/03/2025 12:46

Orangesinthebag · 08/03/2025 12:45

Because in reality it's more about the dog. Which is just crazy!

Show quote history

Yep. They prefer the dog. The other stuff is just excuses, really.

NameChangedOfc · 08/03/2025 13:05

They prefer the dog because they/she (it's the GM who call the shots here, it seems) can do whatever they/she wants to it and it won't fight back. That's an abusive family dynamic much more common than people realise, especially within narcissistic family systems.

Isometimeswonder · 08/03/2025 13:09

I hope your daughter has the wedding she and her fiancé choose. And let everyone else do what they want.
So tiresome

brunettemic · 08/03/2025 13:10

I’m baffled as to how your DD almost seems like the bad guy (gal) here.

GreyAreas · 08/03/2025 13:13

Just tell her they are being their usual selves and so as she expected, they are not going to make it - and that you are glad that is one less thing she has to worry about. And tell them you are disappointed they are being selfish and unsupportive - that you don't expect them to come if it's too much, but you do expect them to be supportive and unselfish.

Ineedtobethinnertobehealthy · 08/03/2025 13:15

sad as it is, your parents have made their decision ad DD was aware that they might not attend. Just tell DD that they won't be able to make it and leave it at that, you don't need to repeat their comments.

somebody could do a live feed for them on the day so that they can see her get married, and do a video call later in the day.

Tiswa · 08/03/2025 13:16

My Nan made it to my cousins wedding at a similar age - in Perth Australia that said she was fit and did live another 20 years.

your parents sound housebound almost if they can’t even walk a dog so what used would having the wedding be near you.

tell your DD but make it very clear you don’t think she has done anything wrong with where the wedding is - bexause she hasn’t unless you think she has