Should I tell my daughter or keep it to myself?

[birdseatworms]

My DD has just booked her wedding which is near to where she lives, about 200 miles from DH and I and the rest of our small family. She has a close relationship with my parents, both of whom are 79 (an old 79) and have suffered quite a few health setbacks this past year. DD and her fiancé weren’t in a huge rush to get married but both said if any of their grandparents got ill they would get married so their GPs could be there. Due to their health issues my mum says they won’t be able to make the trip and she is really hurt that my DD has decided to have the wedding so far away. Most of DD and her fiancé’s friends are near where they live, as are her fiancé’s large family. My mum feels she has chosen the importance of her friends and fiancé’s family over her own. DD is a sensitive soul and would be absolutely devastated to know her grandma feels like this.

I feel guilty knowing this and keeping it from my daughter, but worry if I tell her it will only spoil her joy in planning her big day. Her soon-to-be MIL has already caused irritations.

Should I tell my DD?

PS apologies for the length. Just trying to give a full picture. Please be gentle if this appears as a non-issue - it is causing me a lot of anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

I'm sorry, OP, this must be very distressing for you. Has your mother always been an emotional manipulator? Because that's how she is coming across: it's one thing that they can't attend or decide they are too fragile to do so, which is conpletely legitimate. But to say that your daughter doesn't love them enough is emotional blackmail 101.

Your loyalty must be with your daughter. I would consider trying to find a solution for GPs to attend, and if they can't or won't, then you must avoid passing the manipulation onto your daughter. Whatever it is you finally communicate to your daughter, you must leave out your mother's tricks out of the ecuation.

They got her when she was 10 weeks old and has been spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her, but right now it's not quite as amusing

I’m flabbergasted you think ANY of this is ‘normally fine’. Fucking hell. The dog is not spoilt, it has been abused for over 10 years of its life.

It doesn’t get walked. It doesn’t go outside. It’s made to urinate and defecate in the house and ‘pretend grass’ is spread around the house in form of carpet rugs. No idea how you believe you love the dog, leaving it in that situation. The dog is mentally fucked because of 10 years of abuse. What is wrong with you thinking this is ‘normally fine’ and that this constitutes loving an animal?

Edited to add, after throwing that out, I just can’t believe that the conundrum you face is telling your DD her grandparents refuse to attend her wedding. I think there’s a much greater problem than that, yet it’s very happily glossed over😳.

This dog is So FAR from “spoiled rotten”

Seriously? Why should she? It's not her dog, and she hasn't been asked by its owners.

Why should she?

she knows a dog is being neglected. So either i would walk myself and say to my parents… you pay for a dog walker and im coming over until i know you do

The dog won't even walk on hard floors indoors so has never been outside!

Because he was deprived of walks from a puppy

You're making things up to suit your own agenda.
The OP never said she knows the dog is being neglected, in fact what she did say is ...spoiled rotten (in case you didn't guess) which is normally fine because we all love her...

So Yes, why should she bring someone else's dog for a walk when they don't want / need that done.

Never having had a walk IS being neglected and most certainly not “spoiled rotten”

@birdseatworms

From your updates it sounds more like they won’t travel due to leaving the dog, but they have the excuse of health issues which sounds better- even though there’s a work around that since 2 people have offered to assist them.

Basically, your parents are choosing the dog over their granddaughter.

Don’t bother telling her, op. At the end of the day, she could never win planning an entire wedding just around her grandparents when there are so many others to also consider (not to mention, it’s also the grooms day too!), so no wonder she realised it was a possibility they might not be able to come. She sounds like a sweet girl and I don’t think she deserves to have her day tainted because her grandparents won’t compromise.

Presumably it means staying over in a hotel too. Just say GPs feel they can’t attend, travelling plus overnight stay too much for them. What your DD and fiancé decide to do then is up to them. If your DD speaks to GPs and they say they’re upset at missing it then that’s between them. Just pass on the facts, don’t get involved in any of the emotions of it .

But you're insisting the OP knows the dog is neglected, which is not the case.

So they have a totally pampered dog (throwing down blankets wtf) for the dog to walk on. 🙄😂

get a dog sitter /stay with a friend

then drive down night before. Stay local. And go to wedding and drive home after

if the gp really wants to go and watch her get married - there are ways to solve

Because its not her dog. Why should the OP spend several hundred £ a month (that she may not even have) to walk her selfish parents dog? She should have, however, reported her parents to the rspca for animal neglect.

Head. Wall. Bang

Knowing a dog has never been walked IS knowing a dog is neglected!!

Say nothing and facilitate getting the GPs to the wedding. Drive them there, overnight in a hotel, drive them back.

Some people in families expect their role in the wedding/family to trump that of others. They’re hoping that it gets back to her and she finds out they’re upset, and she has to consider rearranging. Then they’ll probably become martyrs and protest that.

Even if the wedding is on their doorstep, what are they doing about the dog? How many decent venues are there within half an hour of their house even if she does decide to move the venue?

I’d leave it for now, anything could happen in the time, and at least if it’s further down the line then it’s just something they’re going to have to miss rather than putting it back on her now with the option of changing venues. And when she does find out, make sure she knows that it’s not just the distance but it’s the dog and their stubbornness etc.

Or hire a driver to take them early on wedding . Have a few hours at wedding. Drive home same day

and a dog Walker to pop in for a cuddle - not a walk as seems dog doesn’t go for them

I have one question, which may have already been answered -

Have the grandparents themselves TOLD grand daughter they won't make it because it's so far away? and they are miffed because the gc's in laws and friends are taking priority.

If not, why not. OP it's not your problem is it?

@SofaSpuds But you're insisting the OP knows the dog is neglected, which is not the case

The OP, themselves, knows that, as they wrote it here. They wrote that the dog is never walked, doesn’t leave the house, does all of its toileting inside the house. With the description of requiring carpet as it’s all it’s ever known, the dog must never have been allowed to leave the house or walked to become like that. That’s abuse. Given the OP has written this, they DO indeed know the dog is abused and has been for a long time, it just seems more convenient for them to ignore that. I also suspect that’s the tip of the iceberg for the poor animal, and suspect there might be a lot more abuse again that is being covered up under the convenient banner of ‘spoilt rotten’.

No, I wouldn’t tell her. She has made a sensible choice and if your parents REALLY wanted to be there they could do it. They could break up the trip so they’d only have to travel an hour and a half a day, they could go first class on the train, they could have someone look after the dog, etc. etc.

Weddings are full of this stuff - someone wants a special dinner because they don’t like chicken, someone else wants to bring their own beer because they don’t like what’s served at the venue, someone doesn’t want to sit as the same table as someone else, someone doesn’t want a standard buttonhole because it doesn’t match their outfit…honestly, the crap brides and grooms go through is ridiculous.

Your daughter’s choice means that it is more convenient and cheaper for 90% of the guests and that is to be commended. It’s right that the GPs receive an invitation but if they don’t want to go that’s their choice. They would still need a lot of support if local so it doesn’t make that much difference to anyone else. It’s ridiculous to ask them to move a wedding for two people.

This. The poor dog. What an awful life for it.

Back to the conundrum. It's clear that your parents are selfish (see treatment of the dog) and will always put their dog's 'comfort' above anything else. Your DD could move the wedding back to their doorstep and no guarantee they'd come.

Don't tell your daughter ... let her enjoy her day. Invent a ladt minute excuse like dog being ill as to why the GP didn't come.

Exactly how I feel.

That's fair enough, but does that mean you also expect that burden to be taken on by all of the other guests who would have to do the travelling instead? The OP has made it clear that issue is more her mother's attitude than the actual problems. How far do we all have to go accommodating other people's anxiety?

I'm not saying the dog is not being neglected at all. I'm saying the OP doesn't (or didn't) recognise it, and it's not her decision to walk the dog.

The GP sound selfish in every way including how they treat their dog and their granddaughter.