46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

[beautifilday]

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

Online dating?

Need a bit more information! Why hasn't he been in a relationship? Do you think he's a good catch (kind, thoughtful, pulls his weight etc)? Why do you think he won't ever have a relationship? What is it he wants that isn't possible?

He doesn’t come across well online (or to be totally honest in person either) as he tends to just blast the other person with information, often really personal, and tries to be funny but misses the mark.

He is troubled and he is probably not a ‘catch’ in some ways. In all honesty I think he might struggle to get what he wants but it seems so harsh to say that and I think that’s what I’m struggling most with.

What do you mean by 'troubled'?

Maybe what he needs is to join some hobby groups or clubs, not necessarily to find someone to be in a relationship with, but to improve his mood & self esteem, and to practice social skills in a wider setting.

He should probably focus more on friends than a relationship and children. If he doesn't come across well and he's 'troubled' he may not be well prepared to be a good partner and father. Sorry to be blunt.

He needs to try to treat his depression first. Do things that help and are social like walking or sport and Outdoor groups? Volunteer at park run. Get a dog ? National trust garden volunteer?
As a male he can have a family any age so gently suggest you him he works on himself and gets out in social community based activities

Without being harsh, is he in any sort of a position (emotionally, financially, supportively) to be a long-term partner and father?

As a man, he may not be as limited on his fertile years, but that will mean that he needs to find a partner that is at least 15 years younger than him to have a shot at having a family. That is a bit of an ask if he’s not got a lot going for him.

It does sound like finding a hobby group or some sort of socialising club would suit him best.

Well, he doesn’t need to find a woman of 31 or younger! But no, he’s not really in a position to meet anyone and I can’t see it happening. So it’s hard really to know what to say. I can’t really say ‘yes, you’re probably going to be alone for your life’ but also I don’t want to give false hope .

It sounds as if he needs to find a good therapist and work hard at that before even thinking about being in the right place for any kind of relationship.

What do you mean by he's 'not in a position to meet anyone'? Does he have friends, a job, things he enjoys, hobbies, interests? And why do you have to be the one to tell he he's never going to get a girlfriend? Has he never had a relationship?

I was going to ask most of the above too.

He does have autism (I thought I said that in my Op but I didn’t; apologies) and that’s why a lot of the things that have happened have happened if that makes sense.

He has had therapy but obviously you can’t cure autism and plus he’s not in a position to afford it at present. He does have input from a variety of services but since he’s often a bit evasive with them it’s hard to get to the bottom of what actually happens!

Does he do anything? Does he have a job? Go to a gym, have a pet, have a hobby, have a friend group?
Does he take care of himself? Does he live independently? Can he cook, keep himself and his environment hygienic and presentable?
Those might be things to look at first, otherwise yeah he's probably not going to be a catch, sorry.

If he can't afford therapy then how can he afford kids? Or is that up to the broodmare to finance as well?

Does he have a decent job, look after himself physically, dress well etc?

To be brutally honest, these things might open a couple of doors for him but if the reason he doesn't have a partner family at 46 is his personality, then they won't really matter in the long run.

Even if he could click his fingers and resolve the personality stuff, chances are he'd need to find someone at least a decade younger if he's wanting to start a family, which is another hill to climb.

I know you don't want to tell him to give up hope (and you shouldn't) but you could perhaps talk to him about adjusting his expectations?

Don’t be nasty. He does have autism which I thought I’d said, but I didn’t, so apologies for that. It’s hard as I don’t want to slate him but when I say troubled I do mean it; he’s just not in a good way.

So if he can't afford therapy, how is he going to fund a child in this putative relationship? If he's evasive with services in place to help him, how is he going to engage with a partner and a child?

With all respect, if he's 'not in a good way', that is not a potential girlfriend's problem. He should work on himself.

Look, you’re asking me as if I know the answers and I’ve already said he won’t. But in his mind somehow it’ll fall into place. Truth is it probably won’t. But how do you say that to someone already struggling with their mental health without making them despair?

It's not nasty to say that if he can't afford therapy then he can't possibly afford to support a family. You are looking for a unicorn if you want a woman, who wants kids, is happy to have them with someone who is depressed, troubled and financially insecure.

It’s really hard I have a relative in a not dissimilar situation although to his credit he is very kind and personable. What can you say? I feel like posters here are missing that people who want families and are unlikely to have them for whatever reason (outside their control) deserve compassion. It’s sad when friends are in this situation whether through bereavement, disability, general life crap, mental illness or just poor luck.

Sorry I forgot to say I would focus on how he can improve himself to the point where he might be more fun to interact with. If he met someone he could date he might be happier. Has he ever dated?

I don’t @tropicalroses . But the thread isn’t ’help my brother find a partner.’

Thanks @WitcheryDivine he’s had a couple of on off things but not for years.