46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

[beautifilday]

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

Why do you think he needs fixing? It's a very odd way to look at someone you are clearly protective over because they are autistic.

You cannot do this for him. He is unlikely to find momentum to be any different without specialist help. Just be nice to him and visit/talk to him regularly but don't go telling him he is broken because he won't get a woman to go out with him if he won't get any professional help or change himself at all. Maybe he doesn't want to, deep down.

Intentionally or otherwise I do feel some of you are twisting my words a little bit. I’ve said that he is troubled; I’m reluctant to say things about him that could sound unkind (even though that’s not the intent) but he is very socially awkward, doesn’t understand interactions or nuances very well, doesn’t come across very well sometimes, doesn’t present himself well. Even if all that could be ‘fixed’ there’s still the other stuff. That is all I meant.

Look, he isn't the only autistic person to be depressed and not have a partner. Plenty of autistic people get help and do get partners, some get help but still don't, for some life is easier without someone else. If he won't get help and neither of you see the point in therapy, then he needs to accept that it is what it is.

Some really bitter replies on here.

OP, my sister is similar, autistic, depressive and not very good at conversing, quite self obsessed. So I suppose she's not considered a catch, by and large. She's found someone pretty much exactly like her, and they're happy, so it can happen! No kids though which would change things. Both me and DH have our flaws and moments of being horrible, and we mutually tolerate them for the greater good. I expect your brother has features that someone will appreciate.

Sorry I've skimmed a lot of replies, but just wondering why the kids and partner both need to happen for him to be happy? There's no time limit on finding a partner.

If he really wants a relationship, definitely encourage him to focus on that. And on developing new friendships and being more socially active generally.
FWIW, I am a black hole of a person, a socially awkward, permanently depressed bag of neuroses, and even I have managed to find someone who doesn’t mind all that. He doesn’t have to try to fix all of his flaws or mould himself into something more conventional attractive to attract someone, he just has to keep trying til he finds someone who likes the good qualities that he does have.

Some of these comments are not very nice. OP, I’d focus on suggesting the other ways he may be able to be happier. Hobbies, friendships, new skills learning, other things that fulfil him. With a more happy life generally, he may become less wistful about not having children. Many people who wanted children don’t have children for a multitude of reasons, and are happy in the end. If he focuses on becoming fulfilled independently, he may be in a better place to meet someone - children bit aside.

If he's not working he has time. He needs a routine; get up, get ready, get out and do something. That could be his goal - plan a varied week of activity and achieve it.

One new thing each week. Build habits gradually, at a pace that can be sustained.

I actually disagree with 'work on himself' focus of other comments / much as I agree with their intent. I think the most valuable change he can achieve is by facing outwards and engaging with other people and the world outside himself and his experience.

You know him better than us but considering people with autism usually prefer to be told things in a straight forward, honest way, maybe the best approach is to be honest rather than trying to take a more complicated approach? In some way could it even be a relief for him to be told he doesn't have to find a partner and have kids, it's not required, it's not an expectation people have of him and he won't have failed at anything by not doing it. We all live different types of lives. I was a care worker with adults with LD and autism and it's a common issue but honesty is important. However I saw many relationships start at the monthly Mencap disco so it certainly is possible for anyone to find a partner in my experience, if they want to. Does he socialise with other ND adults? It might help him feel more accepted if he finds friends who are in a similar life situation.

Volunteering is a great idea. I think the best thing you can do for him is to help fill his life with other things. Give him more stuff to focus on. Has he ever looked at 'Mens groups'?

There's one near us that always posts on the local FB page, just a walking & talking group where they go out once a week for a wander and a chat, and sometimes a pint afterwards.

So you think he's got no chance but are too nice to say it.

And yeah you are still trying to fix his life regardless of what you might think, and that's always going to be a huge part of the problem unfortunately.

The best thing you could do is to stop pandering to it.

He's seeking validation from you over this subject, because yes he does want you to somehow fix it for him.

You are in a vicious circle with it.

It's one you don't end by continuing to fail to be honest with him over it.

Does anyone deserve love and happiness? How should it be meted out? Does that mean others are responsible for loving, because we know where that ends up.

It does all sound weirdly incel - women should be flocking to me no matter how I behave and even if I don't show willing. Clearly not about the autism as much as putting any real effort into achieving goals at all.

I agree with Red that no woman should be expected to lumbered with someone who has no money, goals, professional help, job, exercise pattern and even his sister can't fix him.

FWIW my dad is a millionaire, autistic and sounds very similar. It is not the money or the autism that is the problem here.

I think all you can say is that he is more likely to meet someone if he does x or y. Whether getting some help with how to manage his autism in social situations or joining a hobby group. Saying that is fairly noncommittal and true. It is more likely if not very likely.

I have a brother who is, and will always be, single and childless due in large part to the impacts of his disabilities. We help him focus on his own life and doing things he enjoys. He can't drive so sometimes that means we as his siblings need to do a little more for/with him. Contentment and mindfulness are great things to practice.

I think the kindest thing is to try and gently guide your brother to be happy in himself as best he can. And support him with that - we involve my brother in lots of family based things with his nieces and nephews which he really enjoys. You could present this idea of being content in himself as a double bonus - he gets to be happy alone but ultimately will also be more attractive to a potential partner because he is happy alone.

Hobbies? Activity clubs?

Thanks for the nice replies. I think what people miss is that it does have an impact on me. He does have a really unhappy life and I don’t feel responsible for that but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad for him. For all sorts of reasons I guess I’ve ended up taking on a bit of a parenting role there so I guess feel in some ways almost how you would about a son not a brother.

It is hard because I don’t think he’s going to have a relationship but as it is his life does look bleak and it’s hard getting around that.

I can see something of the dynamic playing out in my family: autistic DS in his 20s and his much more socially adept younger sister who can't help trying to help him.

We have to remind her that he's not her responsibility. But she loves him dearly. So she offers style advice ("Chuck those shoes, they're revolting, and yes, people do care", "Haircut, now, just do it, you look like a caveman") that he wouldn't listen to from his parents. Can you be forthright about presenting better and hope it'll translate into feeling better?

If he were my brother, I would say the same to him whether he has autism or not.

Most people want to find someone.
The best way to do that is to be the best version of yourself, like yourself, enjoy life and do enough of the things that may you happy.
Happy people attract people.
Then if he does met someone, it's more likely to work.
It will also have a better life, even if he doesn't.

Encourage him to get out more, take up new hobbies, join groups etc.

Finding a partner isn't the key to happiness.

Autism is highly heritable and if he has it so bad that it’s affected his life to this extent perhaps he ought to think about how it would feel to knowingly (potentially) pass it onto a child. Would be be happy keeping and caring for pets?

People are being horrible to you for no reason. Don’t see why but hey ho.

I have a friend like this - though not depressed and more functioning that your brother (runs a successful business - alone not with staff which is probably good as every time he hires anyone he ends up annoying them and they leave or they take advantage of him and start stealing from him). Anyway, he is lovely and has loads of great qualities but he is on the spectrum somewhere (though undiagnosed) and he just misses the mark socially. He also has standards in women that don’t match what he could reasonably achieve. Which sounds mean but it’s an anonymous forum. He could have married a woman ten years ago but she was too boring, too dowdy. And to be fair, yes she wouldn’t have been my type either but she was lovely and kind and was actually into him. The next woman was very good looking but incredibly troubled and stole a shit tonne of money and beat him up. It’s this cycle again and again interspersed with long periods of celibacy and dates where he irritates the fuck out of them so they don’t come back for a second. He also had bad role models for long term relationships so that hasn’t helped.

As much as I’ve painted him badly I believe he’d be a really good dad so don’t see why he doesn’t just do it alone as he really wants kids but he’s been holding out hope for a wife.

i know that isn’t quite the same as your brother as he clearly has more difficulties in life than my friend but basically my point is I know what it feels like to feel bad when someone talks to you about how they’re going to miss out on the family they really want when the reality is they likely will. And you can’t change them. So even if you point out things they could do/not do to help, really you’d just be hurting their feelings for no reason.

I’ve taken to just nodding and smiling. You go round the same conversation and it helps them to talk to someone you know. Just let him vent but try to let it roll off you. Has he got any interests you can change the subject to? Also I do believe there is someone out there for all of us but you need to go where people are who are similar. So, for instance, if you’re into yachts and bling and shopping go hang out in Dubai to meet a man. If you’re into quiet life reading books and not talking much, maybe go to a fishing lake to find a husband….weird example but you know what I mean. Is there somewhere your brother could start going that would suit him?

I just wanted to add my support to the OP. There are some very mean posters on this thread who appear to either not understand OPs thread or to maliciously twist her words.

OP does not want to find a partner for her brother, she wants to let him down gently by explaining that it might not / probably won't happen for him. She as a good nice, KIND sister, obviously wants the best for him and doesn't want him to suffer. She is also not foisting a woman on him or saying he "deserves" someone. In fact she is being realistic in saying that he's not a catch (she's not trying to lure an unsuspecting woman into a " have a baby with my brother "relationship!)
As for therapy 1) it is expensive ! And 2) he is autistic, so yes, maybe some therapy would help with the depression, but it is not going to change the fact that he's autistic. Like therapy is not going to help a double amputee walk unaided again, it's not going to stop an autistic person be autistic. And she never said he needed "fixing". That was a cruel twist from a PP. And sorry, but asking for advice and support on a public forum IS a sensible idea, especially if you can't afford therapy.
People are talking about what others "deserve" how about we start with "people deserve compassion"

Just encourage him to get out there and live his best life. You never know.

I think you have an unrealistically optimistic view of the average woman and her motivation for, and thought processes about, dating and finding a partner.

Sorry, did you really just suggest that autistic people shouldn't have children in case they produce more autistic people, and should have pets instead? Congratulations, I think that's the most abhorrent thing I've ever seen on MN 🥇

I think it rather pragmatic and noble. All children deserve good parents but not all parents (or potential parents) deserve children.