46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

[beautifilday]

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

@Flyingfoxgirl and @Devonshiregal thanks for the lovely posts.

I do just need to keep saying the same things but it is hard and draining although he doesn’t mean it to be.

It's very sad when you can see someone you love wants something so much and probably won't be able to achieve it because of issues beyond their control.

What are the reasons he wants a relationship and kids? Is it loneliness, is it about fitting into what he thinks everyone else does?

If you can get to the bottom of the main driver you can probably encourage him to find other outlets. Eg if it's loneliness encourage him to do more social things and tell him that it's a good way to meet people and that it can take a long time for anyone to find the right partner so it's good to make friends meanwhile.

If it's fitting into societal expectations point out that many people are single or divorced or married but not happy etc and there are lots of ways to live your life.

It's about identifying his actual need and then building him up so the need is met in other ways.

Rather than telling him it's unlikely to happen.

I'm off at a tangent, but thinking about something which may improve his mental health and let him meet some kind souls - would he try Yoga or Pilates or those Body Balances classes local gyms provide?

I go regularly. If rum by a male instructor the class tends to be more mixed. When I was low it gave me such a lift. I'm several years in now... most folks are probably dealing with something and they are generally all very gentle, caring sorts, each of us with our own excentritities.

If he were prepared to go a few times he might just like it for its own sake & a nice opportunity to interact a little bit. An intense conversation wouldn't be too out of place - people do just chat to strangers about all sorts of things before and after.

I really hope your brother's form improves and he gets to meet some lovely people.

Thanks. He used to do boxing but the place he did it closed. will have to help him find a new one.

Does he have many interests?

If he were my brother I'd tell him that firstly, not everybody finds someone to romantically love in life and the ones who never marry/have kids etc still live happy fulfilling lives. Marriage/children can add a lot to one's life but aren't necessary for happiness!

Him wanting kids now is not great. The older the father the more risk for congenital defects. This is hard but he needs to hear it and decide how important the notion of biological children is and what to expect if he does go that route (assuming he meets a nice woman who wants similar)

He needs to be able to live happily single before being with someone. That's Relationship 101, don't get involved before you're on solid ground yourself. It's a recipe for disaster to expect your other half to make you happy! So he should be working hard on his own happiness and life satisfaction now before he (hopefully) meets a nice woman.

I don't mean any of the above in a rude manner. He can be told lovingly all these things so his expectations are reasonable.

I'd strongly suggest he joins clubs, groups, any kind of thing away from home with other adults to interact with. If he doesn't enjoy a group/outing, he doesn't have to return but he should try to get out twice a month to start with. Extra bonus points if the group/outing includes others on the spectrum, he may be pleasantly surprised to find he gets along easier with another person on the spectrum and doesn't feel as self critical.

I wonder if he's fixating on this subject in response to his depression and lack of job/social life? If so no advice for him other than to work on that and not sit thinking the world is passing him by and feeling lonely. It's a slow process but he could really improve his life if he was honest with himself. I hope he finds some nice hobbies, friends and maybe a romantic partner. 💘

He does but they are a bit niche! So are mine in fairness, and don’t necessarily lend themselves to hobbies. He reads a lot; he likes exercise, he likes things like history and so on.

No. I have autism myself as does my partner. Only diagnosed after we had children. One is showing signs now. I feel guilty.
If OP’s brother already had children, fine. But I don’t think he should be going out of his way to have them knowing what difficulties they may face. Speaking from experience.

https://www.chalkefestival.com/

don’t know if you are nearby or if he could go alone but something like this might give him a more social way of accessing history - even if he doesn’t talk to anyone there are lots of opportunities to interact and a lot of the people are hobbyists and it might give him an idea.

or something like this anyway

Thanks so much. I’ll be honest, I doubt he’d cope with that, it looks good though!

I personally feel we should keep the discussion away from ‘he shouldn’t have children because he will pass autism on.’ That sounds uncomfortably close to social cleansing to me and since he isn’t in a position to have children and probably won’t isn’t relevant to the thread, so all it’s doing is offending and upsetting some people and making them feel bad.

I think it sounds like he just needs to make his life fuller so maybe just encourage him to take up hobbies and fitness activities

you've had some tough replies and this is nothing about a woman being expected to fix a man- it’s a loving sister trying to support her brother and that’s a lovely thing to see

Sounds tough. I'm sorry you are getting so many snarky responses. It is heart wrenching to see loved ones be limited. A friend has a disabled brother who is age 80 now; he is childlike and has missed out on so much.

Are there any volunteer opportunities that might provide a sense of family?

I'm not religious myself (to say the least) but are there any churches nearby that might welcome him as a volunteer and part of their "family" and perhaps provide pastoral services & support? Would give you a bit of a break, too.

Thanks for your kind reply. It does help. I feel so helpless with him and sometimes frustrated even though none of it’s really his fault.

Some people are dealt a difficult hand through no fault of their own. And as you say the survivor/thriver guilt can be overwhelming.

Would he qualify for any social services assistance?

Does he want to be a husband and a father? Or does he want a wife and children? If it is the latter he needs to work on not being self centred and doing things for others. I have seen too many women in what I consider abusive relationships with a man who cannot see things from anyone else's point of view. When a man like that is also selfish and unconcerned with making his wife happy it is a disaster.

@ManyATrueWord he has faults, of course he does, but he isn’t a bad person. He means well, he wants a family, he wants to love and be loved. It’s sad.

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT, but my advice would be to prepare him for a life without a family instead of giving him false hope. That's the kindest thing to do. He may find a partner later in life, but he really would need to be more of a 'catch' to attract a woman young enough to bear children, unless he's okay with being a stepdad instead of having kids of his own. Women in their 20s and 30s don't tend to go that much older when finding a partner unless it's a highly desirable, high status male (celebrities, sports starts, very rich men etc.).

I know someone who is 53 and wants a family, but he has absolutely nothing to offer a younger woman (last time I spoke to him he was still living in a house share and was temporarily out of work). If he asked me for honest advice, I would probably tell him to give up on the idea and focus on other areas of life, like friends and hobbies.

You must know that women older than 31 have children?

Why rain on OP's parade like this? Assuming her brother is some negative user? Where is that coming from?

So tired of bitter people projecting their own unrelated issues onto perfectly nice OPs.

OP you said your brother reads and likes history.. that's interesting and not niche at all!
Lots of ppl are into history & are all ages.
He could join a local history group online eg based on ww2 or whatever is his interest and make some connections that way; if they have real life meet ups that would be great.

(Hopefully he knows how to be careful online and in real life with scammers and bots).

I think it's the depression that needs sorting out the most - he won't get anywhere until he's on a good anti depressant or having some counselling, whatever suits him.

Also you said he has cats! He could volunteer at cats protection and may well find a like minded person there for friendship if nothing else.

It's a pity he can't change his perspective on this. Sounds like a cliche but see the positives in it. Does he really want a wife and children, or does he just want to fit in? Maybe he should think how 50% or marriages end in divorce, and most of the others probably only stay together for the kids. I know a man in his late forties in this position. He has thrown himself into art, has begun selling his work, and runs two regular art classes which attract a community of like-minded people. He hasn't just joined a community - he has created one. We've spoken about this and he says he has turned misfortune to his advantage - this opportunity, which otherwise wouldn't have been available, he is just walking down this path now. He's clever and funny, and he shoots down anyone who asks him about his personal life.

I think this is the problem, he can’t really see another way that could bring happiness. It is hard for him and it is a shame; I sympathise.

I am not honestly sure that 'wife and family' would make him happy. Children are unpredictable, demanding, loud and relentless. A parent with long established depression and an inability to work is going to find that difficult, to say the least.

So I think the more realistic aim might be friendship first, and companionship, whether in a sexual relationship or otherwise. And kittens. Kittens are good.

Most of my family have mental health disorders. They also mostly have cats.

I do think he needs to know that he is far from alone in being alone, if that makes sense. Two of my sibs met their partners too late in life for children. One could have had kids but didn't dare come off the meds long enough. The other is divorced (yes, there are a lot of us).

By this point in life, over half my friends are divorced or separated. And my very lovely BIL has never had a lasting relationship since university.