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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

135 replies

beautifilday · 05/03/2025 16:27

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 06/03/2025 12:10

It's difficult Op because you love your DB and feel guilty but you can't solve his problem. Lots of men get to 40 and suddenly want a family but find they can't find the right woman or a woman who wants them. When your DB asks I'd be kind but steer away from saying things like there's someone for everyone, better to be sympathetic but then change the subject. You're a nice Sister Op

namechangeforthecringe · 06/03/2025 12:19

I have a friend who sounds very similar to your brother although a year older. It is hard because you know they want the security and comfort of family life, but also know they aren't in a position to really manage that. I don't think there is much you can really say other than being there for them to listen and cheer them on when they achieve positive things in their own life. I do feel for you though and your brother. It isn't easy.

toffeeappleturnip · 07/03/2025 10:47

to love and be loved

This is the part your brother needs to aim for.
He can work on this at any age.

The children part is an unknown for everyone that finds love. If he finds love with someone older that isn't going to have children, or already had them, or is unable to have them (or he is unable to have them), then that's just the way the chips fall.
Children are a gift, not a 'must have'.

nodramaplz · 07/03/2025 10:51

beautifilday · 05/03/2025 16:53

He does have autism (I thought I said that in my Op but I didn’t; apologies) and that’s why a lot of the things that have happened have happened if that makes sense.

He has had therapy but obviously you can’t cure autism and plus he’s not in a position to afford it at present. He does have input from a variety of services but since he’s often a bit evasive with them it’s hard to get to the bottom of what actually happens!

Can he go to groups with like minded people? Maybe be more understood meet someone there?

nodramaplz · 07/03/2025 10:57

Anyone posting here suggesting OP is trying to get her brother a partner need to re-read the actual question!

It's NOT how do I get my brother a family!

It's asking for advice on how best to tell him it's unlikely!

Go fix yourselves folks!!

kungfoofighting · 07/03/2025 11:03

IWilloBeACervix · 05/03/2025 16:39

As a man, he may not be as limited on his fertile years, but that will mean that he needs to find a partner that is at least 15 years younger than him to have a shot at having a family. That is a bit of an ask if he’s not got a lot going for him.

It does sound like finding a hobby group or some sort of socialising club would suit him best.

That’s really not true. Must be 31 or younger!! That’s just nonsense ennit.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/03/2025 13:43

Does he really want a wife, or a replacement mother figure to look after him?

What model did your parents provide? What does he think the roles of husbands and wives are?

The thing is, the only men able to get away with the breadwinner & house-mother (looker-after of everyone's needs) model, are very high earners.

As previously, he'll benefit from interests and achievable actions, not introspection and dreams.

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 14:17

beautifilday · 05/03/2025 17:55

That’s quite mean spirited.

I’m not trying to convince anyone he’s a good catch; he clearly isn’t. But it isn’t his fault. It’s just … him.

@mathanxiety he does have cats, it’s a good idea thank you.

I do @frozendaisy bit I do feel I kind of unintentionally rub his nose in it, and that’s hard too. As we had the same upbringing but I’ve come through it better; it’s like a weird survivors guilt.

Show quote history

I totally get what you mean by survivors guilt OP I suffer from this myself even though I know it’s not rational.

All I can say re: your brother is this - in my life, I’ve had a total of 9 VERY good, VERY unexpected but VERY much ‘needed’’ things happen to me.

All these ‘things’ are very different in nature, and they all vary in terms of unexpectedness, iyswim -,some more unexpected than others. However, all these ‘things’ were very good and much needed.

The first happened when I was 14 last at 51 🙌

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 15:01

Chillilounger · 05/03/2025 19:43

Just encourage him to get out there and live his best life. You never know.

Yeah I’m say this as well !!

MarioJumbo · 09/03/2025 15:07

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/03/2025 20:40

Some people are dealt a difficult hand through no fault of their own. And as you say the survivor/thriver guilt can be overwhelming.

Would he qualify for any social services assistance?

Survivor and thriver guilt is a real thing - even if it’s not rational - I know - I’m a sufferer!

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