46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

[beautifilday]

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

You met someone, married and had kids in your mid/ late forties?

I was 39 at the time so not quite, but obviously in female terms it’s a bit different.

Why should a woman have such a low bar for a man?

Seriously OP, you yourself say he has masses of baggage, is in need of therapy, hasn't the best social skills, has poor economic prospects, is in his mid 40s but still thinks he's a good prospect for a woman.

Any woman going near him is going to be a bag full of problems. If he's autistic is he really going to be able to cope with that?

Add to that his age. Is it realistic he's going to find a woman who is ten years his junior? If he's not, then realistically he's looking at someone older than child bearing years. That means the ship has sailed for children. Unless he becomes a step dad.

See previous points.

Honestly, I don't think it's fair to any woman or children to be trying to match them with your brother. Your brother should be sorting his own life out and finding happiness from other things because a woman is not a magic bullet - she is not there to service the needs of a man. Women are not a service humans to a males. And that's essentially what we are talking here. It's her job to make him happy.

The only person who can make someone happy is yourself. At THAT point, you become a worthwhile partner and potentially a catch because you have something to offer. So his focus should be on that - that's hobbies, improving his life etc.

And in doing that, that's when he might find someone. No woman wants to be lumbered with a depressed man with a shed load of issues and few prospects. Any woman who puts up with it, is a massive problem in her own right and it's a recipe for disaster and he should be steering clear of for his own well being!

As his sibling, you need to be to the point on this because you aren't helping by being dishonest or trying to polish a turd. It's just a fantasy.

If he's got to 46 and in this situation, he is ultimately a significant part of the problem.

I think it's disrespectful to women to be posing this to women to somehow 'fix'. Men are not projects. Men are responsible for themselves.

@RedToothBrush - I have skim read that long post because I do think you’ve misunderstood my intentions here.

My post does not say ‘help my brother find a partner.’ My post says ‘help me help my brother accept he probably won’t find a partner.’

(preferably without making him suicidal.)

I feel for him. I'd definitely encourage him to focus on himself like others have said - therapy, getting out there and meeting people and focusing on that and then hopefully the other things will come when he's in a better place. It's nice he has you to look out for him.

I used to volunteer and walk dogs for the cinnamon trust. That might be a good start if he likes animals?

Baby steps is the answer. One step at a time, see where the journey takes him, without focusing too hard on the eventual destination.

Every journey starts with a single step. That sort of thing.

The worst thing he can do is sit about hoping for perfection to fall into his lap.

The best thing he can do is do anything - it's the doing that counts.

One of the issues with him is like a lot of people with autism he does tend to hyper focus. His work history hasn’t been great and a lot of that is because of autism, so he currently isn’t working and it’s hard for him to work. So he has no money, so he has too much time … it is a miserable existence and I do get that it must be horrible for him: I think this is what I mean about survivors guilt. (Sorry if not very coherent; I’ve sprained my wrist!)

How is his relationship with your kids?

I think there are a lot of men around his age who refuse to get any therapy to work on their issues. I've had a relationship where I was his unpaid psychotherapist and it isn't fun. He needs to sort that out so he is part of the team, not always being carried.

A good therapist will be able to help him more than anyone on here.

He is sweet with them. They are very little though.

You can't.

It's not your job to do that either.

Your brother is an adult. He needs to deal with it.

If he's going around to others asking the question, then frankly he's not mature enough to handle a relationship.

I would just say to focus on himself and the rest will follow. And if he isn't willing to address that, it's down to him.

I don't think you should give him false hope. I think it's kinder to direct him towards things he can control that will make his life better, hobbies, learning, friends etc.

It could be worse long term if he pins his hopes on something that doesn't happen. Keep his goals smaller and realistic. This is the kind of thing that will make him a better catch, more interesting to talk to, which all actually increases his odds of finding love, but don't make that the goal.

It’s so much more complex then ‘therapy’ though @JeanPaulGagtier After all, you can’t cure autism. You just can’t, no matter how good the therapy and how long you have it for.

And therapy is very expensive.

@LadyQuackBeth this is it … he does need small achievable goals and even they are difficult enough!

OP you are making him your problem to fix

Again. Men are not projects. You are not responsible for this. You become part of the problem by giving him this attention and giving this idea that women are there to fix men.

I’m just wondering if you could help him build a relationship with nieces/nephews so he doesn’t feel having his own kids is so necessary.

There are some horrible replies on here. People can have a difficult time in life it doesn't mean they don't deserve love or happiness. There are all sorts of people in this world and there is no reason why there should not be someone for your brother. Most people wouldn't be considered a 'catch' by most people but people are attracted to all sorts. I don't really know how you can help your brother OP I'm sorry, it's a chance, luck and numbers game I think. It's possible that it may be too late for children but I don't think he should write a relationship off one day assuming he isn't a terrible person at heart.

Well personally I would put money into therapy rather than asking strangers on a forum how to help someone with specialist needs. Therapy isn't exactly the easy or simple option!

If he really believes that because you met your partner at 39, that means there’s every chance it could happen for him at 46, then it must be very difficult to reason with him.
Has he had long term relationships in the past?

Well, I guess you don't lie to him OP! You can't say whether he'll meet someone or not, but if at 46 he's still very troubled and has never had a life partner and has no money, yes it's very unlikely that a woman will see him as good partner/dad material. So you don't tell him that, you just focus on being a good sister to him, support him as much as you feel able to, but don't give him false hope. TBH, I wouldn't offer any kind of opinion on the subject.

Firstly does he work? If not, I think he would benefit from volunteering at an animal charity. Animals, particularly dogs, are nicer than people.

Secondly, does he exercise? If he did a large quantity of exercise, it may help his mental health. He may also get in good shape and might meet someone.

I think perhaps the main thing for him to do is to find a way to live a meaningful life, partner/family or no (as sadly, I think it is going to be 'no'). If he sets his heart on it and doesn't get it, he will always be depressed.

@JeanPaulGagtier I can’t magic up what, £400 a week? But even if I could and even if therapy would ‘fix him’ (it won’t; autism doesn’t work like that) it’s still fairly logical to see that meeting someone now and having a family with them is possibly not realistic.

Literally all I’m asking is how best to support him. I’m his main source of support and it is difficult to know what to say sometimes

The two most attractive things in another person are confidence and being happy.

Someone who is depressed and needy is displaying just about the two most unattractive traits there are.

There is nothing mean in saying this. Its a reality that is going to play into how good someone's prospects of finding a partner are.

Ultimately the best advice the OP can give is to focus on these two points and there is no way to get around this issue.

Thanks for those helpful answers. I’ve mentioned volunteering before and I’ll try to push it again. It’s difficult because he is looking for paid work. He does exercise but again it’s something that he could do more of; it does help him.