46 year old (man) wanting a relationship and a family

[beautifilday]

My brother is 46, and very depressed. He wants a family but isn’t in a relationship. He has had a very troubled life and I’m not sure what he wants is possible but it’s so hard as I have to admit I would feel so sad if it was me. Does anyone have any advice on what to say and how best to help?

I would play the song "Que sera sera" to him. And ponder about the deeper meaning of it, with it.

It's sad, but not everyone gets to have a family or relationship.

I'd advise him to try to focus on the things he can control that make him happy or at least content. If a relationship comes along, then that's a bonus.

Not exactly earthshaking advice, but there isn't much else to offer.

It sounds like you're saying that your brother is part of this "male loneliness epidemic" that everyone is banging on about and you'd like a woman to come along and sweep him up and love him.

But it's not the role of women to look after "troubled" men because they're lonely.

It's very sad that he's sad, but for every man that's lonely, there's a woman who has socialised and networked and integrated with people to make sure she's not.

Men are no longer the "prize" they used to be. Women can get their own jobs and bank account and mortgages and social lives without the need for men, where in previous decades they HAD to be married to get those things.

Men need to make the effort to turn themselves into something worth having. If your brother is unable or unwilling to do that, then that's sad for him, but it's not women's responsibility 🤷‍♀️

In my late 30s I became the target of a number of men in my social group who were mid/late 40s and suddenly their biological clock started ticking. Whilst I felt sorry for them it was quite scary to realise that the man you were dating would persevere with a relationship, any relationship because you might be his ticket to have kids.

So yes I have compassion, but also I think this kind of desperation should not be encouraged. Happy families it does not make

But why do you have to tell him anything? Is he routinely asking you 'Am I ever going to marry and have children?'

I think you can empathise and validate that it's a natural desire and that it's painful to not be able to have things we dearly wish for and are a part of being human. I think you can emphasize that all relationships can help us enjoy life more and so until it 'falls into place' (or not) it is worth investing in friendships. If he is able to be reflective, you could explore with him how he shows up - but this might be better coming from a therapist.

op there’s not a certain person that finds love- it’s about meeting someone you have something in common with and that you both have similar ways you go about life. I think you’re both looking on it more as a project than something that just happens. The things you say he does when he goes online- the right person will find his ‘thinking he’s being funny’ actually funny! He shouldn’t have to mould himself, he won’t stay with someone if he does! Tell him to concentrate on enjoying life and the other thing will fall into place. Anyone can find a partner- it’s not just good looking people that speak about things a certain way or else we’d all be screwed!!!!

Yes, variations on the exact words of course but yes pretty much.

I’m not saying my brother is anything but my brother, if that makes sense, I mean the post isn’t part of a wider context.

I have to say I know of two autistic people who have done online dating and literally stayed with the first person they dated on there. So that might be an idea if he hasn’t tried that. There are loads of autistic women out there who might quite enjoy someone to take turns talking at each other about things that interest them.

but you say troubled which could mean anything - drugs, crime, self harm etc

You don't need to either agree with him or shoot down his dreams in flames. He needs you to listen when he talks about his hopes and aspirations, perhaps ask him why he wants those things (he feels lonely, wants to carry on the family name, gets on better with children than adults, doesn't know any other people without children). How does he think he could get to his ideal life - online dating, joining a hobby group to make friends - however unlikely?

It sounds like he has more immediate problems than not having a family. Probably ones that are more solvable as well.

Christ there are some mean responses! The OP is feeling sorry for her autistic, very depressed brother who would love a relationship and a family and would like advice about what to say to him. Not advice about how to find him a 'brood mare'. If a woman really wanted a relationship and a family (which the majority do), would you say she was just after a stud or a sperm donor?

There are many women his age who have also not had children and are needing to come to terms with that. He needs to as well, he's left it too late, simple as that.

I think I'd be inclined to talk about it in more general terms, not everyone marries and has children despite wanting to rather if that makes sense. I'm not a fan of false hope either.

Usually when someone isn't in a good place mentally and financially, then having children isn't a good idea. He may like the idea of a wife and children, but I think he would struggle with it. Perhaps encouraging him to join groups and hobbies would help him more with enjoying life more.

I think explaining to him that children are expensive so it would be hard to afford them, would not be unkind, but having autism doesn't mean he can never have a relationship. There's a dating app called Hiki for people with autism - I have never used it so can't recommend, but it may be worth investigating options that may be out there for him. You could also try giving him pointers on how to behave on dates?

If a woman really wanted a relationship, I would expect her to think about what she was potentially bringing to a potential partner, and to recognise that, if she wasn't in a good place, that she needed to get herself to a firmer base before she started dating.

I realise that autism is a wide spectrum, OP, but I have two autistic godsons, one gay, one straight, who are in/have had relationships. It sounds as if there's a lot going on other than autism?

He's already very depressed!

So he's 46, depressed, not funny and not a catch?

doesn't sound very promising does it lol

Why is it your job or role to tell him this?

Is he pestering you for advice or reassurance?

If you're just concerned and he isn't bothering you about this, why not just nod along.

Would he be open to adopting a pet? A dog someone surrendered to a shelter, for instance..

Do you have kids OP?

Perhaps he can focus on being a great uncle if not a father.

All you can be is his sibling, no he might not get what he desires, some people don't. You can encourage him to focus on the people in his life and to keep moving forward, not much else you can do really.

Being blunt, a 46 yr old troubled man is a hard sell for to trust building a family with.

Does he work? Can he concentrate on earning money? Money helps. If he could provide and very nice financial lifestyle then the partner and child might follow. Basically you need something. When I was looking for a family I wouldn't have had considered someone in their mid 40s. By the time baby turned up they would be what pushing 50. No not for me, and not for a lot of others but for some it works.

But aside from that just be the best sibling you can.

That’s quite mean spirited.

I’m not trying to convince anyone he’s a good catch; he clearly isn’t. But it isn’t his fault. It’s just … him.

@mathanxiety he does have cats, it’s a good idea thank you.

I do @frozendaisy bit I do feel I kind of unintentionally rub his nose in it, and that’s hard too. As we had the same upbringing but I’ve come through it better; it’s like a weird survivors guilt.

I agree. It just sounds very unlikely that this is actually going to happen for him. A relationship may be possible, but a marriage and kids, probably not.
Maybe he just needs to go through a stage of processing/ accepting this rather than genuinely believing it is a possibility.
I was in adult education with lots of men (and women) with autism and mh problems and loneliness plus the feeling that they were missing out socially/ romantically and on having a family of their own was a big problem for most of them. Something that I noticed was it was very common for them to be really unrealistic without realising it. Finding someone to be with, maintaining the relationship, having a child/ children and nurturing them together is one of the most complex things to navigate socially, but unfortunately it is common that some people just don’t understand this. They think only one thing has to happen, to meet someone willing and the rest falls into place. It just doesn’t work that way.

It can happen suddenly @AngelaRaynersGlottalStops ; one of the things I feel quite bad about inexplicably is that this is what happened to me. So I feel that’s almost given him false hope in a strange way.