First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

Totally agree and I’m shocked at the sheer number of posts making excuses for him.

Sorry OP but I think it’s probably time to call it a day. Hes making excuse after excuse not to spend ONE NIGHT together after 5 months.
Doesn't bode well for a long term future imo.

Seems he’s happy to keep things casual. Having regular sex then going home seems something he’s happy to continue with but that wouldn’t work for me.

Whatever his real reason, the fact he’s immediately accused you of seeing someone else would be the final red flag too far

@BellaGothTheSecond what nobody else is picking up on & what I find concerning is how he’s USING his DC to enable him to sleep. No we don’t know that 4 sure but it’s a bit of a coincidence that he has a sleep disorder & he’s already laid the groundwork to no sleepovers by blaming another external source ie his own child. It cld be an excuse & he’s happy to lie about his own DC or he could in fact be using them to enable him to sleep. Huge red flag. Mostly we’re trying to help our kids sleep &feel safe on their own. Not the other way around. How will he give up this practise & what sex is the child?
i don’t like how he’s very skilled at manipulating, blaming & even accusing you of cheating & claiming ignorance as to why you cancelled - he does not take accountability & is happy to lie. Red flags. If he truly has a sleep disorder the it’s far easier to to own up to it than to use deceit & manipulation & his own child. Thankfully it’s shown you a window into what he’s truly like. I think it’s a v controlled strategy all designed to keep you away at night - I do wonder how he’s so willing to meet you outside of the evening hours & makes himself v available in those ways. I think you shld tell him that you can live with honesty & a sleep disorder & manage it - you can’t live with a liar. It also suggests he as a unit is closed to any longer term cohabiting etc down the line. Which can feel a bit like another rejection of sorts ie only wants you for now. How he’s unable to see the impact all of his v controlling behaviour has on you is a concern. Anxiety issues lend themselves to controlling strategies unfortunately. He has an anxiety around his sleep /others seeing him during that time. He may have other OCD behaviours he’s hiding from you too. Sorry OP it really sucks when everything g else seems so good.

I did read them. She asked and he said for consideration of her mum.

She didn't ask a question, she said it was odd (how insulting) and received the facepalm. If someone told me I was odd for not wanting to spend the night with them on a rare child free night when they know I don't sleep well - they'd be told where to go. @BellaGothTheSecond just wants it her way. She doesn't communicate her feelings any better than he does.

We're supposed to be meeting at a restaurant at 7pm but last I heard he's talking about having toothache and feeling rough so I think he's gearing up to cancel himself now.

😡

I am so sorry 😞 he sounds worse and worse every time

Sorry OP I think you’re flogging a dead horse here. He sounds like he’s only after something casual that suits him

He’s sounding utterly useless … it sounds like probably first time you’ve gone on a “ date” as such as he seems to be rolling one excuse off after the other! I hope it’s just an unlucky coincidence but it doesn’t help you feeling so up and down over the last few days.

Bin him. Life's too short.

@BellaGothTheSecond please dump
him before he does you .
Or before he’s back to his usual next week so busy that he can only meet for a couple of hours of sex.
OP are your eyes opened yet? You just don’t seem to able to accept who the real him is ?

He sounds very hard work OP!

Jesus OP, just bin him off! It's not supposed to be this hard, this early on in a relationship!

Great piece of advice I was given over 30 years ago: If a man's actions confuse you, he's not for you.

If you EVER have to ask on an anonymous forum whether a man's actions are poor, then they are poor.

Block and move on.

Oh he's a peach 🙄

This man has issues! He's really pushing his luck now.

Op, if you listen to some of the posters on here you might miss out on getting to know a nice man. You will only know if you trust and get to know him over time. If he has night terrors that’s a pretty big thing to confide in a potential mate. He has made himself vulnerable. His being able to sleep with dc might actually be related to the terrors ( he feels safer knowing his child is safe with him). I don’t know but I don’t see red flags here yet. All I see is miscommunication on both sides. - you’re just two imperfect people trying to work it out. There is no perfect way to have a relationship. Good luck.

Why is everyone ok with a man USING his child to enable him to sleep?? We try & faciliate safe sleep for our DC not the other way round! When will he stop using them?? What sex are they? What about the child? My guess is he’s blaming them for his sleep disorder. Not good.

I agree. He also sounds a bit insecure and jumped to the wrong conclusion when you cancelled your date with no real reason. Then was probably embarrassed he'd revealed his insecurities and brushed it off as a joke. I really hope if he does cancel tonight it's because he's genuinely ill.

Just to give another perspective. I used to have terrible night terrors and co slept with my son until he was 10. He used to calm me down when I woke screaming, was very used to it,didn't phase him at all.

I use inulin now in my tea and it has completely sorted them out. Might be worth mentioning it to him OP if he wants to sort his sleep out.

Was that really fair on your son?

He wanted to sleep with me. I didn't want him really and he had his own room but I would wake up with him there every night. Doesn't seem to have done him any harm. He eventually segued into his own room and is very old and well balanced now.

He IS NOT a nice man.

Please, stop saying there is miscommunication. There is none.
It is quite clear that he is not the one dor her.

This is only a little bit of all that's gone on.
He has alluded to wanting to spend nights together but can't because he has his kids. Now he does not have his kids but he hasn't tried to spend time overnight with her. Then he knows she is not happy with hs reaction because SHE MESSAGED HIM. No miscommunication there.

And his response was no longer the 'i have my children excuse' but it is now that he is a horrible sleeper. But that reason came only after OP had further two chats with him! Again, no miscommunication.
Rather him not showing interest.

And when OP, pulls back a little, he says 'oh he thought she was into another guy'.
For real???? A nice man?
I don't think so.

Leave this guy alone, op. He is not for you.

He never volunteers information. It is usually dragged out of him.

There is no miscommunication here.

Op, says something is odd, he responds with a facepalm.

How about responding with 'why is it odd? Or 'what do you mean? etc'

Must OP ask every single question or pose everything she has to say with a question mark at the end.

It seems like once on MN people forget how normal conversations happen IRL.

He is not a nice man ... and if he is (i dont believe that for a second), he is not treating OP nicely.

Has he turned up OP?

He's not a good man, period. He's made up three excuses for not spending the night! First it's your mother, second is 'hearing you snore' (joking or not doesn't matter), third is this anxiety thing. The truth doesn't matter so much now--he's already proven himself to be able to deflect a simple question. For other issues that he's uncomfortable about, he's going to do the same.

The 'Are you seeing another man' thing is also not good. Why would that be the first thing that came into his mind? Also the fact that he tends to brush things off as 'a joke' would make me uncomfortable.

I don't think he deserves our collective psychoanalysis here. We don't have to label him with anything. He could be truly anxious, a horrible sleeper, an avoidant type... SO WHAT?! Do YOU want to put up with his way of communicating? If someone wants to break up with a seriously ill new boyfriend because it's exhausting, no one should tell her that 'He's just seriously ill, it's not his fault, and you gotta put up with it cuz he's got potential'. Nope, even if he were Stephen Hawking, no woman should cater to a man's needs when she's uncomfortable. I seriously do not understand why some posters here are advocating for women to tolerate things just so they can spend time with a man??

The only thing that matters is how he makes you feel. He's caused you enough internal turmoil to post here, and you're not comfortable with the situation. That's it, listen to your feelings.

I've never ghosted anyone but I'd be tempted today in your shoes.

What a twat he is!