First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

This.

Drop the rope.

Anything after this is you doing the 'pick me' dance.

I have a male friend {Not sexual relationship} and he does not sleep well.
He has nightmares and ends up thrashing around, to the extent that it used to upset his old dog who used to sleep on his bed.
He has broken bedside lamps in his nightmares {has had them since childhood} so possibly this is a reason he may not want to share a bed.

Is there any mileage in this relationship if you are unlikely to ever be fully together because of children?

I was thinking this too.

I couldn't be bothered wth this and of course he was going to come up with an excuse that would aim to pacify you. This is exactly what ao many men do and why women wnd up waiting in the wings forever.

I would be really turned off by this but aounds like you still value him as a friend so could keep that going but step back massively and reframe him as someone who you don't want a long term future with?

I don't want to sound as though I'm making excuses for him (I'd be approaching your situation with caution, as it would be a "not that into you" red flag for me, but not necessarily the final straw depending on how he handles it), however I do think his concern could well be genuine.

I think bed sharing with DC is different to bed sharing with an adult/romantically.

I point blank refuse to share a bed with DH (sleep apnoea, his snoring is so loud it wakes me several times a night and I don't get a restful nights sleep), however our DC often choose to creep into his room at night and share with him (they don't seem to be wake up/be bothered by the snoring).

One additional thought is that he's probably naturally far more comfortable with his DC being aware of (and/or impacted by) his sleep issues because they're family. I know my DH would happily share a room with DC but would decline to share with a friend on a trip (for e.g) out of consideration.

Good luck for the date … sounds like a lot of miscommunications and misunderstandings. Hope you get a well deserved night off .. not the night your anticipated or wanted but still step in right direction.

I haven't read full threat, but have scanned over your posts. I think he's not that into you. I also think he's looking elsewhere. He thought you had a better offer etc I think it's because he's looking. You are being given breadcrumbs OP. Think more of yourself and end this. I think you're being too accommodating

To be fair you haven't been honest with him either - re your period.

There are plenty of aspects of me I’d let my kids see, but not a relatively new partner.

As for not realising that was why you cancelled - one thing I’ve learned over the years is that often men are pretty simple creatures. Things that seem obvious to women aren’t always obvious to men. I’m not making excuses for him, but I’m just saying his inability to make the connection doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a nasty twat. If you like him in other ways, I wouldn’t break up with him over this. But I’d definitely be talking to him about it.

There are too many red flags OP.

Time to move on I am aware that it is simple to say but IMHO this is the end.

Good luck

One things for sure -
you won’t be going on many holidays together or with both your children if he can’t share a bed with you!!!

Didn’t you say he talked about overnighters earlier in the relationship? If so, why was he keen then if these are long term sleep issues he’s supposedly having? Surely he would have avoided the conversation back then, or let you know it was an issue!

Either way it’s a red flag:

1. He is genuine about these issues but deliberately misled you early on in a way to get you more committed before he revealed this - manipulating you into a relationship that you may not have continued with if your needs weren’t compatible

2. He was being honest back then and he’s lying now because he’s had time to think up a reason that sounds plausible for you not coming and staying over.

Given you say he’s mentioned sleep issues in the past, there’s no logical reason for him not having replied in the first place to say that was the reason. Instead he made up some crap about your mum, then tried to suggest you would snore and cause him to stay awake all night, then shut the conversation down when you tried to get a real answer.

I suspect he’s happy with things as they are - he gets regular sex, someone to help out with his kids on days out in the school holidays, but doesn’t have to take next steps to being fully committed.

I don’t think he’s told you the truth at all - and that would be a deal breaker for me. Trying to turn it around and put you on the back foot by suggesting you have a date with someone else is just awful and a way of moving the conversation on.

i think he’s a very, very manipulative man and if you stay with him, watch for other signs of this.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay did you even bother to read all of the OP’s posts? She asked him multiple times. He shut the conversation down with a hand to the face emoji. She recognised at this point it would be better to discuss it in person.

There is no issue with her anonymously asking people for advice on line about how to deal with the situation and what others think about it - it’s called getting perspective from people who aren’t your friends so won’t automatically take your side.

I 100% agree with this. Beautifully put.

This^
DH and I have misunderstanding regularly about it. IMO his mind just doesn’t work the same way as mine. I also think that men struggle with discussions about feelings, emotions and relationships. They struggle with how to put it into words literally so they shut the conversation. So you might get more out of him in person during your dinner but you won’t get it by texts or if you quickly see each other at the school gates. You need time and space to get it out of him.

By the way his thought about “better offer” could be a constant concern due to his personal insecurity.

THIS!!!

Another dissection of a relationship, why does everything have to be forensically detailed, it just looks for trouble where often there is none.
Life is full of ups and downs and mysteries and things we do like, we don’t like, people say things we like, that we don’t like, that’s life, no one is perfect, we just have to get on with it.
No wonder so many relationships break down when single move and everything someone says is analysed in such detail.
I think he sounds like a nice ordinary chap who just needs a bit more time moving forward with things.

Seconding.

@BellaGothTheSecond I'm sorry but I don't like the sound of him

@BellaGothTheSecond he still gave you a few hour time slot ( he’s not rushing to spend time with you ) he could have said for you to come back for drinks spend time in bed and leave for sleep wether that’s 12-2am as he sleeps treble of offer a spare bed.
I don’t believe him .
Seems like he is stringing you along .
Oh and it’s working .

Can’t edit the typos

OP has stated right HERE that she cancelled the date because of her period and not being able to have sex anyway. I have not just made this up.

OP I am glad that you have had a face to face conversation and that you are now going to dinner tomorrow night. Please try to go into this with an open mind, listen to DP and also communicate your own feelings clearly with him.

I'm sorry, this is not an attack but it seems like both of you have been really shit at communicating this time. After you cancelled your date he asked if everything was okay and you told him it was fine....when it clearly was not fine. His use of emojis etc is also crap. DP and I mainly communicate over message and it works for us 95% of the time, but sometimes you either have to pick up the phone or hit the pause button until you can make time to speak face to face. When things start to go wrong on text they rapidly deteriorate.

After tomorrow night, if you feel like something is off then go with your gut. To me it sounds like everything else is good and this one issue isn't necessarily insurmountable.

PS: my child can sleep through me snoring, dribbling, shouting stuff out in my sleep, getting up for a wee three times a night, fiddling with my phone...anything really. My partner wakes up every time I breathe funny or roll over. The PPs about him managing to co-sleep with a 7YO are possibly red herrings.

I'd be hurt too but I imagine he's someone who wants his own space. He wants to wake up in the morning on his own. I can be a bit like my myself (well I would be if I wasn't married!). However, I completely understand how you feel.

So far he's given you three reasons for not wanting you to sleep over - consideration for your mother, you might snore or, the newest one, he has nightmares.

It would be maddening to have to sift through what he says every time you ask a question to see which answer is true, if any.

Throwing in the 'concern' that you might have been going on a date with someone else too is icky. So you can forget the issue in hand and rush to reassure him of your interest?

I think my mind would be starting to see him as...a liar.

Absolutely this. It's all really incongruent with his claim of really wanting to spend a full night with you - which is what he said when you first started dating.

He's full of 💩