First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

[BellaGothTheSecond]

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

By contrast, I have multiple diagnosed sleep disorders and I can see exactly where this guy is coming from and completely see his point.

Just because you’re not bothered about snoring, screaming and flailing when you’re sharing a bed with someone else, that doesn’t mean everyone is the same as you.

Similarly, just because you put a lot of importance on spending the night cuddling, waking up together etc, that doesn’t mean everyone has that same attachment to it.

I’d also add that the chances of getting referred to a sleep clinic for anything but the most severe, health-threatening of sleep issues are close to zero. The NHS is unlikely to be especially bothered about whether or not someone feels able to share a bed with their new girlfriend all night.

Some excellent insight here OP! I hope you are paying attention. I definitely would have my touchy feely antennas out if not already on the road out of town....

I’d also add that the chances of getting referred to a sleep clinic for anything but the most severe, health-threatening of sleep issues are close to zero.

Not true - I know several people who have been referred to NHS sleep clinics over relatively mild sleep issues

I agree with Dorothy's analysis.

His explanation doesn't cover that stupid emoji of his though. That was him shutting down the conversation by making you question yourself rather than him. All are little red flags that could be ignored by themselves but when you put them together in a pile then it's 😬 time.

Yes, everyone is different. And his needs are not compatible with the OP's.

I don't think that's being cynical, I think that's a completely logical conclusion.

OP,
Dorothy, Brunet and Sugar are giving you great insights.

His go to is shite communicating, deny, accusations and anything he can throw at YOU.
So many red flags.
Be seriously warned and wary.

It all sounds a bit weird, I wouldn't know what to do in your shoes but you seem very calm. From what you've written previously about the past 5 months everything sounds pretty normal - maybe this is a 'tower moment' where you need to re-assess the playing field. Is the relationship 50/50 both sides or are you giving more of yourself to please him and he's taking it? It's hard to end relationships if/when you start to feel the ick - far easier to ignore it and hope for the best because of the time and feelings that you've already invested in the relationship. I wish I'd run a mile a lot sooner in my relationships because the longer you stay and put up with things the longer the pain and recovery when the wheels come off.

An overnight stay could have been planned or a night away somewhere - has this conversation never come up? Have you ever talked about a holiday with the children - these are normal things that might happen in a relationship. Yet he's saying how much he'll miss you when you go away with your mum for a week and he's planning your birthday - did he even ask you if you wanted to spend your birthday with him? Normally you have to work round him and his children. It all sounds a bit manipulative like he's trying to take your choices and decisions away from you and replacing them with what he wants.

You are not being unreasonable, I would not be wasting my time spending the night with someone that didn't value our time together, especially when it's availability is in such short supply. Keep your limited time for someone that appreciates you more.

So why didn't he explain that instead of dismissing her question?

And why is he fine to bed share with a small child but not with the OP?

I've met two men like this and in both cases it turned out to be anxiety-led and a need to control things to manage the anxiety. Nice men, crippling anxiety and one of them told the most ridiculous lies to cover it up. I'd have been fine with the truth..

I have a friend that wouldn’t sleep over at other people’s houses because of sleep terrors & sleep walking. They don’t tend to happen when her child goes into her bed because the low level sleep disruption, caused by a wriggling child, stops her going into the deep sleep that allows the sleep terrors.

The first thing he thinks of when you cancelled on him was that you were seeing someone else - hang on fella - you've just caught yourself in your own trap. Isn't that why he was asking how much time you could give him for dinner that night but no sleepover - and his explanation for that is 🤦‍♀️ and his nightmares, really?

Has he got any mates he goes out on the lash with ? after your dinner or does he want you out of the way for some other reason?

I'd be going out for dinner under the cover of 'do I look that stupid' and I'd make his last memory of me one that he wouldn't forget. You can act like a stupid woman (no offence meant) all night and pretend that you believe everything he says, all you have to do is convince him that you're that stupid and then perform your own finale - I've done this to a few people when they've taken me for a mug.

OP from a 40 year old something who's been around the block a few times. As soon as I saw your last few updates, my immediate thoughts were he is talking shite sorry. embarrassed, sleep nightmares? Making it all up

Op, I hope you will realise sooner rather than later that this man has his way with words. Some men say all the wright things in order to secure someone. I learnt this in life very early on. As someone else said, take what he says with a pinch of salt.

I once met a guy who was saying all the right things to impress me, how he wanted a family, how he wanted to find someone to share his money with,etc. i told him I was in a relationship and eventually friend zoned each other. The more I spoke to him later on the more I realised just how much bs he had told me in the beginning. He actually wanted a relationship where he could see someone at home, no money spent, spent time at each other’s place a day or two here and there. On a different occasion he told me how he was having his best mate over the New Year’s Eve but would make him drive back home at 1am?
listen your gut feeling op, that never fails you!

Did his ex cheat on him?

He obviously feels insecure, Bella, he knows he has disappointed you, but I understand him regarding his reluctance to spend the night. When he is on his own, or when his child is with him, he can get up and do things during the night. If you were there he wouldn't want to disturb you.

I must say I don't understand the need to do all nighters, as long as I had transport I'd be happy to go home to my own bed and wouldn't mind if he went home from mine. I like my own space, I'm also not a bright and breezy morning person.

If you enjoy each other's company, why not just keep things as they are, it's hardly costing you anything. Things may change after a while, it's still early days.

If you are not happy with the status quo you can end it, you'll find someone else.

Because it's his child and her needs are more important than a new girlfriend.

@BellaGothTheSecond didn't ask why. She took the huff and posted on here to slate him instead.

What age group are you both? You've both got children so it's obvious there's quite a bit of juggling goes on to spend time together. All you really want is the missing piece to your jigsaw. You sound so level-headed and also aware of how your ADHD can make you feel sensitive but that's normal for any of us when we feel the scales are tipping the wrong way - so the last thing you'd do to anyone you're in a relationship with is to hurt them or play with their feelings. You deserve the same respect and consideration, that's the basis of any relationship if it's to last.

Do you know the history of his previous relationships - that can tell you a lot about someone.

Only read the OPs posts so apologies if this has been said.

What he is saying about sleep issues isn't all that strange.

I have serious sleep issues that have caused concern with new partners. It's not usually something that occurs all the time or with all sleeping partners. It is pretty alarming for the partner if they aren't used to people with sleeping problems even when it's been discussed.

So the idea he is lying is understandable if you don't experience this problem but it may well have a very simple explanation that he just doesn't have those problems when co-sleeping with DC. Like I say it doesn't occur with everyone or all of the time.

As someone with this problem. I'm very aware it can really put people off and even be frightening. If you can, get him to tell you exactly what you might expect on a bad night. Then you can see if you believe it or not.

Ah I was all ready to try and believe him but he hàs night terrors etc but managed to co,- sleep with his 6 year old without scaring her to death? That does sound a bit odd. There's more to the story methinks

This.

From the beginning, i immediately thought this and wanted to post and say, forget this guy he is not for you.

Now with your updates, i am even more convinced that he is not that into you. And the red flags just grew in number.
He is manipulative, a liar and doing some gaslighting here.

Funny how, relationships just run along seemingly fine and one little innocuous event leads to revealing the fallacy of the whole thing.

I really hope you find someone that's not going to waste your time.
He is happy with the status quo. He is not going to change.

This is all so odd. He is very poor at communication. But so are you. You wrote :" sorry to cancel .... all is fine".
When all wasn't fine. Why did you do this?

Why would OP tell him the truth and give the game away when all he can do is 🤦‍♀️ the truth is the easiest thing in the world to tell but he seems to have a problem with easy and truth. Do you suggest she just accepts whatever he says (or doesn't say) and has no say in anything - that's exactly what his game is.

🤦‍♂️ 🤦‍♀️