Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First opportunity to spend the night together and he doesn't want to

506 replies

BellaGothTheSecond · 04/03/2025 19:56

I'm a single parent and the man I've been seeing for the last 5 months is also a single parent. It's not OLD, we already knew one another. We've had the exclusivity talk.

It can be tricky getting our schedules to align due to his work and me not having regular childcare (because my children have SEN) but we manage to get together for a day/evening during the week atleast once (sometimes twice) for a handful of hours.

For the first time things have aligned that we both have a child free night this weekend (this is rarer than hens teeth for me) so we've made plans to go out for dinner and then back to his.

I assumed he'd want me to stay over.

He asked how long was I able to spend with him and I said I could stay over head back in the morning to take over at home.

"Let's do a few hours" is what he came back with.

Instant disappointment.

I asked was there a reason he didn't want to spend the night together and he said he was just being considerate of my DM having the DC, then joked that he didn't want to hear me snore.

My DM is staying at my house. It isn't an issue for her. She assumed I'd be staying out herself.

His DC will be at his parents all night.

(I don't snore either!)

Wouldn't you be jumping at the chance to spend the whole night with somebody you say you're falling in love with?

I'm feeling a bit rejected. I have ADHD and do tend to feel rejection sensitive dysphoria so I can't always be sure that I'm not just being sensitive.

OP posts:
MrsPeterHarris · 06/03/2025 21:34

How did today go Op? Did he speak to you?

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 21:39

I saw him this afternoon, we met for a quick coffee after work.

In brief - he said it's an anxiety and sleep issue. He has nightmares and wakes up disorientated. That is the reason for him not sleeping well (he has mentioned the fact he doesn't sleep well before but didn't go into detail)

He said he was embarrassed.

Regarding the silent treatment since I cancelled - he said he was upset that I cancelled on him without giving any sort of explanation (bit rich I know!) and he was confused because that isn't something I would ordinarily do or ever have.

He said he didn't connect the two (him turning down an overnight and me cancelling the dinner the next day) so was wondering what was wrong.

He said he thought I'd had a "better offer" and was going out with somebody else instead (a man)

He took the last part back afterwards and said he was only joking but I'm not sure that he was? That might need a further conversation.

Anyway, we're going for dinner tomorrow.

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/03/2025 21:44

Ugh, I got a horrible feeling reading that update, but that's probably just me projecting my own experiences.

More importantly, how do you feel about, it, @BellaGothTheSecond ?

TunipTheVegimal24 · 06/03/2025 21:49

Good that he's been honest, even if it was a bit of a drag getting it out of him.

He sounds a bit insecure generally, but again, people feel ad they feel.

Dinner and honesty (and a lie in to yourself!) sound good to me, but what are your feelings on it?

Candleabra · 06/03/2025 21:51

So his first thought was to shut down what could have been a grown up conversation with an emoji. His second was to accuse you of cheating.

Interesting way his brain works. (Incidentally he’s had a while to come up with a plausible story to cover up his first response).

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 21:53

Hmmm...I'm doubting his explanation. I snore, scream, and flail in my sleep. I still want to spend the night with my lover. How bad can his nightmares possibly be? This is not normal. If his sleep is so disordered that it gets in the way of something as commonplace and normal as spending the night with a lover, he needs to be referred to a sleep clinic. But I suspect he just wants to keep seeing you on his terms.

MrsPeterHarris · 06/03/2025 21:54

Candleabra · 06/03/2025 21:51

So his first thought was to shut down what could have been a grown up conversation with an emoji. His second was to accuse you of cheating.

Interesting way his brain works. (Incidentally he’s had a while to come up with a plausible story to cover up his first response).

Completely agree!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 06/03/2025 21:54

Candleabra · 06/03/2025 21:51

So his first thought was to shut down what could have been a grown up conversation with an emoji. His second was to accuse you of cheating.

Interesting way his brain works. (Incidentally he’s had a while to come up with a plausible story to cover up his first response).

Agree completey.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 21:55

I have a mixture of feelings at the minute.

Relief that there appears to be an acceptable explanation for the overnight reluctance but then baffled (and a bit annoyed actually) that the first thing he thinks when I cancel is that there must be another bloke on the horizon.

Why would that be the first thing his mind goes to?

If the roles were reversed I would know exactly why he'd cancelled and assume he was hurt about that, not that he'd secured a date with somebody else overnight.

I think there is definitely some insecurity there and he could tell I wasn't impressed about the comment as he was at pains to take it back and say he was only joking.

OP posts:
saffronspices · 06/03/2025 21:56

ShamblesNumber5 · 06/03/2025 21:32

I refer to his answer of "a few hours" and not the face palm emoji. I don't think the emoji is ideal for what it is worth, but it doesn't sound like either party is communicating very clearly by that stage in this text conversation. Face to face is so much easier to sort things out.
OP hasn't said that DP is only interested in sex. She has said that they do plenty together, but on the other hand she is the one who has cancelled the whole date because she has her period so won't be able to have sex. Her whole attitude seems to be that there is no point in having a dinner out with DP if they aren't going to have sex and spend the whole night together. Yet many PPs are acting as though it was her DP that said this?
There could be lots of reasons that DP would rather she didn't spend the night. Trying to have an open and grown up conversation about it by text isn't going to work and instead of trying to see DP face to face OP is cancelling the date by text.
OP has been happily leaving DPs house after sex for 5 months, I would assume that she is having a good time and this isn't all for his benefit. Then DP has failed to notice the magical splendor that is being able to share a bed for the night, so OP is straight on here with strangers talking about ending the relationship without even giving him a chance to explain face to face.

She didn't cancel the date because of her period, she cancelled it because he won't communicate like an adult and is behaving like he's got a hidden agenda.

Gymbunny2025 · 06/03/2025 22:00

Is he suggesting he'll never be ok with an overnight? I think that's what I'd want to explore at dinner. Surely he'd have a restful night (relatively speaking) with you next to him and him presumably shagged out 😂

Cardinalita90 · 06/03/2025 22:02

Don't allow yourself to be sidetracked by the better offer remark. It's deflecting away from the core issue of his poor communication.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 22:07

I'm going to go into the overnight issue some more over dinner, IE is he saying they are off the table indefinitely? Because I will need to decide whether it's a deal breaker.

I don't think he's saying that as he pre faced his explanation with "I do want to, I was just worried because... XYZ"

OP posts:
Itsabummer · 06/03/2025 22:08

Yet he can manage a 7 year old (his daughter who has had a bad year) sleeping with him for comfort and not frightening her. Bizarre.

battenburgicing · 06/03/2025 22:08

I do hope this isn't why he co sleeps with one of his DC? Or of he doesn't how come it doesn't disrupt their sleep? I wldnt want to expose a child to disorientating nightmares. Apologies it got this wrong but pretty sure you mentioned earlier that one of his DC still sleeps with him.

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 22:15

He does bed share with his DC yes.

Bloody hell, good point!

His sleep can't be that disruptive if he manages not to wake DC can it?

OP posts:
Aly2577 · 06/03/2025 22:18

Itsabummer · 06/03/2025 22:08

Yet he can manage a 7 year old (his daughter who has had a bad year) sleeping with him for comfort and not frightening her. Bizarre.

This 🖕!

fluffyblanky · 06/03/2025 22:23

I never sleep at my boyfriends and he never sleeps at mine. He snores so badly and I just can't cope without sleep. I know it upsets him?, I have said once he has at least been to the doctors I will try and stay over. I'm anxious about sleeping there because of not sleeping. Where as I will sleep with my daughters who move around in their sleep and often keep me awake, but that is different. So I don't think you can compare him sleeping in bed with his daughter to you.

supercali77 · 06/03/2025 22:25

I'm baffled that he didn't connect you cancelling to him declining a sleepover. It happened one after the other and instead he thought....you'd got a better offer? Overnight? 😂 damn girl you work fast.

I'm inclined to think it was deflection. But christ, who even knows at this point. If he'd just been straight about the issue in the first place

Charliec12 · 06/03/2025 22:34

BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 22:15

He does bed share with his DC yes.

Bloody hell, good point!

His sleep can't be that disruptive if he manages not to wake DC can it?

Do you think that is the real reason why he might not want you to stay? As he shares a bed with DC?

Original poster
BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 22:41

I'm not sure what to think now but initially my cynical brain kicked in and I thought it was some avoidant thing to keep me at arms length 🤔

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/03/2025 22:42

BellaGothTheSecond · 06/03/2025 21:55

I have a mixture of feelings at the minute.

Relief that there appears to be an acceptable explanation for the overnight reluctance but then baffled (and a bit annoyed actually) that the first thing he thinks when I cancel is that there must be another bloke on the horizon.

Why would that be the first thing his mind goes to?

If the roles were reversed I would know exactly why he'd cancelled and assume he was hurt about that, not that he'd secured a date with somebody else overnight.

I think there is definitely some insecurity there and he could tell I wasn't impressed about the comment as he was at pains to take it back and say he was only joking.

Why would that be the first thing his mind goes to?

With my bitter, cynical, All Men Are Bastards hat on, I'd say - it wasn't the first thing his mind went to at all. It's his tactical attempt to put you on the back foot by blaming you for his own behaviour. It's cute how you don't actually need to do anything wrong in this scenario - you get blamed for something you MIGHT have done but didn't. But now the focus is away from him, and onto you to defend yourself.

My ex wrote the manual on this particular tactic, so I accept I'm giving you a biased opinion. But that little part of your post gave me chills tbh.

They probably don't even know they're doing it - whatever made them grow up this way is just ingrained; any threat to their ego and they leap straight to either deny, deflect or counterattack.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 06/03/2025 22:59

I barely post on here and let alone multiple times but this seems so dodgy.

Sleep issues and nightmares and yet he sleeps with a child?! If this is true then WTF how could he traumatise a child like that.

If not, he is lying. He has had time to come up with a lie. The cheating thing is super weird. He sent you a facepalm and then you cancel the date and its because you met another guy?!

I thought he was a bog standard avoidant at first but now he sounds like a narc.

DorothyStorm · 06/03/2025 23:03

He has nightmares and wakes up disorientated. That is the reason for him not sleeping well (he has mentioned the fact he doesn't sleep well before but didn't go into detail)
doesnt have an issue with subjecting a six year old to thatz

he said he was upset that I cancelled on him without giving any sort of explanation
this is a test to do early in a relationship when looking for red flags. Say no to something without explanation. Whaf is the reaction? You got the silent treatment.

He said he didn't connect the two (him turning down an overnight and me cancelling the dinner the next day
it never occurs to him that he is an issue.

He said he thought I'd had a "better offer" and was going out with somebody else instead (a man)
accusations. Another red flag.

He took the last part back afterwards and said he was only joking
that is him testing you.

BrunetteBarbie94 · 06/03/2025 23:05

DorothyStorm · 06/03/2025 23:03

He has nightmares and wakes up disorientated. That is the reason for him not sleeping well (he has mentioned the fact he doesn't sleep well before but didn't go into detail)
doesnt have an issue with subjecting a six year old to thatz

he said he was upset that I cancelled on him without giving any sort of explanation
this is a test to do early in a relationship when looking for red flags. Say no to something without explanation. Whaf is the reaction? You got the silent treatment.

He said he didn't connect the two (him turning down an overnight and me cancelling the dinner the next day
it never occurs to him that he is an issue.

He said he thought I'd had a "better offer" and was going out with somebody else instead (a man)
accusations. Another red flag.

He took the last part back afterwards and said he was only joking
that is him testing you.

Wow good analysis and spot on!

Actually gives me a shiver down my spine.