Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

Text him to say that this isn’t working out for you (no need to give a reason as he already knows he upset you but doesn’t care). Block and delete his number after sending the text and move on.

He doesn’t deserve another minute of your time.

Tell him he's batting above his average being with you and if he wants to retain you, he needs to get grateful, fast.

Just remembered another ex saying to me while gazing lovingly into my eyes “before we met I thought I wanted to find someone hot as fuck to make the ex jealous, but since I’ve met you I realise that’s not important. You have so many other qualities that I didn’t even know I wanted”.

On the face of it that sounded like a compliment, and he insisted it was, but essentially it was just “you’re not hot, but at least you’re funny”. Dickhead. Shouldn’t have given him 10 years of my life.

This! I just threw back a man whose retort was that our last date was "an uphill struggle"; that's interesting, because he couldn't wait to get me back to his place (I refused), dumped and blocked (with quite a lot of help on here!)

Still thinking about it. On the plus side, he is actually very kind, generous, affectionate and I do really enjoy our time together.

But all your comments have been hugely helpful, so many thanks, and they have pushed me into leaning towards binning him off.

I'm not sure that the pluses of the relationship outweigh his lack of empathy and the damage to my self esteem.

A couple of people have mentioned negging, but I'm unsure if he has the skill to be that manipulative. He's actually very intelligent in the academic sense, but seems to be quite thick when it comes to relating to me.

He also said she has a bunion and rosacea...'men can be rubbish with their words'? Let's not infantilise a grown man.
Get rid OP, you deserve so much more.

No he wasn't surprised. He has honed that response over years of negging other women; and by being "surprised", it's make your reaction the problem, not his comment... gaslighting 101, which by the way is abusive.

Christ. Fwiw, he sounds to me like a tactless twat with zero empathy.

Sod that. I think he's showing you the level of treatment you can expect - nitpicking and patronising, plus crap sex - and you deserve FAR better. Ugh.

So he's basically said you didn't make a good first impression OP. What a horrible thing to say.

Please don't think too long and hard on his texts. A simple "I'm not feeling it, so won't be seeing you again" will suffice. He sounds like he'll need blocking afterwards because I'll bet he'll inundate you with calls and texts afterwards trying to get you to change your mind.

Negging twat. Laugh in his face, tell him to fuck off, and do not let his bullshit bring you down.

@KnackeredOldCatLady If he doesn’t look the part, he should have the personality to make up for it. If not, he needs to have the 2 big W’s. Big wallet, and a big willy. 😂

Otherwise, why are you sticking around!? He doesn’t even make you feel great. Emotionally or in the bedroom.
Every day you waste with this man is another day you’re allowing him to cock block the very many better options out there.

In my personal experience, some blokes have no filter between brain and mouth. Particularly those who may be very slightly on the spectrum (very academic) AND who have no emotional intelligence.

What an utterly thoughtless and stupid thing to say to you.
However, I don’t necessarily agree that it is intentional or “negging”. Some people just genuinely don’t have any awareness when it comes to saying what they think and how it would make you feel. Although for that reason alone, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him

PS I can’t help but notice your username… knackered and old, really?

Agree

I’m going to buck the trend and say if he is kind in his actions but just lacking any tact or diplomacy I’d not necessarily dump him. Just tell him we ladies don’t always want cold hard facts re our appearance even if we do have bunions and rosace so please cut out the comments on our appearance unless they are complimentary. It’s surprising he’s got to his 50s and not worked this out but maybe he’s not had many relationships. Obviously if you tell him and he just can’t change his ways then you’ll have to part ways.

very kind

What's very kind about pointing out people's bunions and telling them they must have rosacea, and telling them they thought they looked old when they first met them?

While the other person is not saying anything of the sort to them about their shortcomings.

It doesn't matter what you look like, although I am sure he is punching because the neggers always are. What is important is that he is either an abusive negging idiot, or he can't read a room; do you want years of that ahead of you? Having to analyse each time he says something terrible, whether it's you or him? It will be him.

This will sound harsh, but are you REALLY so desperate that you will put up with this treatment? If so, I think you need to have a good look at yourself. In the meantime, get rid of this pathetic low-life, and make a good life for yourself. People are saying you could do better. You certainly couldn’t do worse!

And I've just remembered another one!

As previously mentioned, I'm slim now, but I used to be overweight. I lost three stone ten years ago and have managed to keep the weight off. I once mentioned this in passing to him and he said 'oh yes, I can see from your body that you have had a big weight loss'. Presumably the implication being that I'm saggy. Nice!

In my experience this sort of thing is never an accident or down to clumsiness. It is deliberate. Unless he is a fool. And who wants to date a fool?

Bin!

He’s definitely not kind! He’s insulted you several times by making nasty comments about your personal appearance which have upset you. Don’t put up with this.

Unless he is a fool. And who wants to date a fool?

He's a fool.

And he's also a fool with a small dick who's mediocre at best in bed.

And has health problems that will only get worse if he doesn't reverse the things causing them, which does not commonly happen.

If you stick it out this time next year you will have a whole volume of insults to remember him by. Save yourself the trouble and ditch him before you get so hooked in that it becomes hard to extricate yourself.

Of course he appears to be those things otherwise women would not stay with him at the outset, would they? But someone who is genuinely "kind" would not have said that to you. I know the pool is small at our age, but avoiding the pond weed is what will help us survive dating in your fifties. Trust me, he's slimy pond weed.