Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

It’s really horrible. He is at best insensitive as heck and at worst he is highly emotionally manipulative.

You know what although you probably feel invested after three months a little bit, probably better to walk away from this now because my experience is definitely things like this tend to grow from a seedling to a ginormous jungle! You don’t wanna get stuck in the jungle just walk away and hang on in there until you meet somebody really kind and big hearted XXX

I’m sorry op. Once I had a boyfriend who I’d been seeing for about a year and he said ‘I used to want a girlfriend like [insert name of his friend’s girlfriend] but now I’m glad I’ve got you. He didn’t think he’d said anything wrong but I felt insulted and it was the beginning of the end for us.

Honestly, I think these men still see themselves as 'love's young dream' and ENTITLED to a 20 year old supermodel- not realising that they themselves look 50 (and probably older, because as you say, on the whole men of that age do not look after themselves as well as women)

I would be so tempted to come back at him with 'But mate, YOURE OLD so why does going out with an age appropriate woman bother you so much?'

Part of negging is to pretend to be surprised/upset when the person is offended or upset themselves.

Look at it this way - he's shown you who he is and how he behaves. If you want a long-term relationship with someone who behaves like this - with the consequent effect on your self-esteem and confidence, over and over again, year in, year out - then contuinue the relationship. If you don't, then end things.

Any comment on how you look other than ‘beautiful’, ‘wonderful’ etc is unsolicited and rude. What a total bellend. As if you give a shit what he thought/thinks about your physical appearance- who made him king for the day?

I hope you’re walking away from him as we speak.

Oh it's such a classic tactic for insecure men designed to make you feel that you are so lucky to be with them. To be able to defend themselves they always end it with a slight insult directed at themselves to make you think that this is some kind of give and take insult session that is perfectly normal.

He genuinely didn't think that he had said anything amiss and seemed to be surprised when I was upset

Say to him;

"When I first saw your dick, I thought it looked small, I thought "I don't know if I can have a relationship with someone with a dick that size, my exes were all bigger". But now I've gotten used to seeing it and having sex with it, I actually think it's an ok size and it's way better than I thought".

See if that clues him in.

But, obviously, you shouldn't have to do that. There's something not quite right with him upstairs.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

This means NOTHING by the way. Years ago I went on a date, and he was telling me about a date when he'd been disappointed when she turned up. Described her as 'haggard' and not his type apparently. Then smirked and said, 'I still fucked her though'.

Just yesterday I saw a TikTok which amused me greatly. Someone overheard a couple on a first date. All going well, the plan was a drink now, then she had to go and do something quick with a friend, but she'd be back that evening for them to have a proper meet up. Except when the woman left, the guy rang his mate and was utterly slagging her off about how awful she was, but he fully intended to follow through on the rest of the evening anyway as she was a 'sure thing for a shag or two'.

Tiktok-er made a video saying 'If your name is X and you're coming back to this venue to see Y later, there's some things you should know....'

Anyway, what I'm saying is he probably wasn't interested in you, and only showed interest so he could get a quick lay. Now he's expressing his 'surprise' that actually, it turns out he DOES quite like you. Which is frankly disgusting imo but do with that what you will.

Of course he is.
Bin him.

Its just rubbish what he said and I would think thanks for letting me know what you are really like now go to fuck

Get rid. I had a few 'relationships' from OLD that lasted a couple of months each, then they revealed themselves to be jerks. It's ok, this is what happens. But absolutely don't put up with that shit.

He's an ageist, sexist cockwomble. The fact that he's trying to undermine you by making you insecure about how you look, the fact that he's implying that someone looking older is off-putting and then that he's now changed his mind like that's some kind of prize....this is all kinds of wrong

There you go then !
Yip he’s a head fuck

Ditch him it will get worse

He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise.

Ah, the 3 who thinks he deserves an 8.

And criticises his perceived 6, who is now a 7. You're supposed to be flattered he's upgraded you a few points.

While he remains confidently oblivious to his own rating.

has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise

He might sort that out and become a marathon runner, but the opposite is more likely.

So he's not a good bet, is he?

If he wasn't a dickhead, you might have still put the bet on ...but that's not the case so..

You can do better than that. He ABSOLUTELY knew what he was doing, trying to make you "grateful" to his balding, overweight self for tolerating your ancient visage. And then having the cheek to feign confusion when you were upset.

Throw him back in the sea. You don't need this manipulative online-incel-coach nonsense.

I'm tired and not very witty. But tell Humpty Dumpty to fuck right off. Compliment my arse

OK, so he's not physically attractive and now you know that he's judgemental and completely tactless (at best).

You can do so much better.

He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise.

And there it is. He knows he's punching, so has to diminish your confidence somehow, make you grateful for his attention.

The thing that is confusing me is that otherwise, he has indeed always been kind and polite. And he has given every indication that he is keen - he is always eager to see me.

HOWEVER, a couple of other remarks:
On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

@WarmWhite has a point here. He must have been lying because his early behaviour demonstrated the opposite of what he is saying now so that adds to the fact this is negging in it's purest form.

In any case, the fact that he said this is a massive red flag. We all think things like this from time to time but to actually SAY it??? Nah! That speaks volumes in it's own right and it looks like he is trying to undermine your self esteem.

Bin.

Was he embarrassed, apologetic and kind when he realised he'd offended you?

It's not necessarily negging to say something stupid. Having said that, if he was falling over himself afterwards going "oh I'm such a twat, I honestly meant that to come out like a compliment, I'm so sorry" then you probably wouldn't be posting.

Love this! Ha.

He seems to be very critical of other's (or at least his romantic partner's) appearance and not backwards in commenting on it.

Yet he is balding, overweight and has weight related health issues.

Personally I find this type of person to be .... Not a suitable partner for a reasonable, sane, well adjusted, mature person.

Because they are not really any of those things.

I think it's becoming obvious why he was on the market.

No - not at all. He didn't apologise as he genuinely didn't think that he had said anything wrong. He just looked a bit bemused and tried to change the subject