Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

On one occasion, he looked at my bare feet and said 'oh, I see you have a bunion'. True, but maybe a tad unnecessary to point it out.
On another, he told me that I had rosacea, which had me scurrying to the nearest mirror to check for red patches.

So he's getting the result he wanted. Picking you apart bit by bit to the point of you 'scurrying to the nearest mirror'.

Sorry but you are getting caught up
with dare i say, a possible abuser .
He knew what he was doing the pretending he didn’t think he did anything wrong, is an act.
He knew. And it’s not that he is nice it’s that he put an act on and only lasted 12 weeks.

Uuurrrrgh - there really are some truly vile men out there

Even if you decide to continue seeing him and everything from this moment on goes perfectly and the relationship lasts a long time,you will never forget what he said. Save yourself some time and ditch him

It’s all one way isn’t? He gets to pick at and comment on your appearance. Have you said anything to him about his lack of hair or his excess weight? I bet you haven’t.

The fact he doesn’t understand that what he said upset you or apologised accordingly is the major red flag here. I would get rid OP.

Tell him that you've read an article about how men his age often fail to perform in bed and so you're going to look for a younger man who can meet your needs. Then block his phone number.

I am picturing his overweight, balding arse sat at home with a rubber "companion" doll, made to look 25, with perfect feet, skin etc. .....That seems to be where he's at.

Any man that aims to make you doubt yourself or feel insecure is not worthy of your time or affections.

The door should be firmly closed in his face.

He sounds as if he has all the social awareness, sensitivity and capacity for empathy of a shoebox.

I mean, how would he feel if you periodically exclaimed ‘Oh, you’re balding’ or said that when you first saw him, you’d thought you couldn’t sit through a date with someone so tubby?

'He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise'

Unless you're a massive fan of Rab c Nesbitt, I'd drop kick this one out of your life!

I think that's the crux of the matter. If we ended up in a long term relationship, then I would like to look back on our first date with fondness and romantic nostalgia. But that could never happen now as it's been trained by his comment.

I did try to make that point to him, but he just stared back at me blankly.

He didn't apologise as he genuinely didn't think that he had said anything wrong.

Aaaaand twat. Bin him.

If you accidentally offend someone, especially someone you're trying to impress and want to be in a relationship with, you apologise if you accidentally hurt their feelings!!

How about telling him that what with you looking so old, and your bunion and all, you've realised he could do so much better, so you're setting him free to do just that!

The backpedaling should be a sight to behold!

Sorry, that should be 'tainted by his comment'!

There is no good outcome here.

Either he is deliberately negging in which case get in the bin.

Or he genuinely thinks it is fine to openly be critical/needlessly draw attention to where he considers you to be less than perfect in some way. In which case also get in the bin.

ugh, what a pig

I know it’s difficult to meet men in your 50’s but this one sounds ghastly, if he is just plain rude and thoughtless then that’s bad and doesn’t bode well.
If he is abusive and chipping away at your confidence, that’s bad too.
It’s a no win situation OP. I’d get out pronto.

He is overweight, balding and has a couple of health issues which are likely to have been brought on by poor diet/lack of exercise
Fuck sake, do these men not have mirrors? they seem
to think they're still 25, the bin for him!

The blank stare compounds the issue.

Even if he genuinely didn't understand how he had insulted you, if he had half a brain, he would have apologised anyway BECAUSE you felt insulted by what he said.

He's single for good reason OP. You will be number 1,483 that he has spoken to in this way and moved him along so don't feel bad. He's a numpty.

Why have you decided to stay or dump him ?
Has everyone managed to help
you unpick and do you believe the views ?

Trained by his comment is actually an excellent Freudian slip. That's exactly what these comments are about. He is aware that he is balding and overweight and that you are not. It makes him feel insecure. He needs you to feel shit about yourself so that he feels better about himself.