Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

Yes the only man I can think of like this

Yes the men I can think of like this are slightly ND and just say what they see, not understanding any offence they cause.
But I'm sure sometimes they aren't ND and are just narc neggers

Just a thought…having read all your replies, do you really want a friend like this in your life who makes comments like this and puts you down? You shouldn’t accept it from a relationship, sexual or otherwise! I’d bin him full stop.

Wtf what an utter, unimpressive prat. I'd sit him down and tell him you were willing to give a less-than-average-looks-wise bloke a go as personality can be very attractive. But now you have got to know him, you've sadly found him lacking. And the dick doesn't make up for it.

Teenagers! Feeling very low , useless, hurt etc my 13 year old boy. I feel so bad tonight, I’ve sent him a text nothing terrible questioning the influence a girl has on him as she’s “always in trouble” the girl read my message and now he’s heartbroken as of course her whole friend circle has disowned him . Im genuinely heart broken for him

I think you may have added this to the wrong thread 🤔

Yes sometimes they are just arseholes, whether nd or not.
My pal has other nd quirks (food, routine, special interest etc), and his unintentional insults are clealmrky unintentional - similar to a child telling you something they see without realising the words could be taken as an insult

Just to clear this up, once and for all, you can’t be “slightly” neurodivergent.

It’s like pregnancy. You either are or you aren’t.

I appreciate the intentions are honest but words matter. If someone is genuinely ND they’ll have had to deal with a whole heap of challenges their whole life, many of which you may be unaware of.

It’s so bloody annoying seeing these phrases repeatedly trotted out. ND isn’t about making the odd social faux pas nor is it a convenient label to hang on someone who’s acting like a dick.

I’m autistic/ADHD, my DD is the same, and my DS is autistic. I have a good career, I do lots of voluntary work, I have a partner. I function socially. I’m still not “slightly neurodivergent”. I have difficulties that no one sees - except my DP.

He just sounds horrible.

@SpidersAreShitheads honestly had it to the back teeth with people saying stuff like that - almost as much as excusing bad behaviour as ND. But only for men!

It’s like people saying they are a little bit ocd because they like hoovering or ironing.

It’s so telling that men’s lack of social intelligence is seen as something they can’t help yet women who refuse to be conditioned into social intelligence are rude.

He’s testing you to see how much crap you will tolerate - make him realise that that the answer is none. I wouldn’t think twice before getting rid of this cretin. Why do women choose this over happiness alone?! 😕

I don't think this is about being ND. He may beND.

But this is on a level of something else. It feels a little dark to me. It's a bit scary. As if there is zero capacity to care in any way about your feelings, even after being told. It feels intentional manipulation or that negging shit.

I've been on the receiving end of a few personality disordered people. Get rid of him and do not once look back.

Have to say, I was rather unnerved by the blank look of incomprehension on his face when I told him how hurt I was about being described as too old for him.

And on a separate issue, he has some rather odd (to me) religious views. I won't go into detail, but it surprised me that someone as intelligent as he clearly is can believe what can only be described as bonkers batshit! So maybe that adds weight to the theory that there is something a bit dark there .....

Okaaaaaayyyyy... a lot to unpack here. Define intelligence? I know academics who can't run their own baths, and people who barely passed exams who run corporations. Why do you think he's intelligent? Does he spout facts? Does he engage in debates AND wants to hear your side? Same with the religion; he can believe what he likes as long as he respects your own beliefs and isn't trying to recruit you? He's not trying to recruit you, is he? Sorry, I recently watched Heretic, which apart from spoiling a latent Hugh Grant crush, has absolutely messed with my head!

Some men are pretty bad at saying what will go down with women so I would not hold that comment against him, but if you think his views might have an impact eg that you will go to hell if not "saved" or whatever it is then that might be an issue if you might move in together or marry.

And on a separate issue, he has some rather odd (to me) religious views.

@KnackeredOldCatLady oh you should have started with this!

Most religions have quite specific views on men/women what is right/wrong.

No thank you, stuck in the dark ages. Ethics has moved on since then, hence the hand wringing the CofE has to do every decade or so because otherwise they would have empty churches and end up completely irrelevant.

they can 'deliver the goods' evolutionarily into their 80 - I have not checked, but there has been research.

Some of them can impregnate women of child bearing age.

However their fertility, and the quality of their sperm is dropping from 39/40.

Autism, schizophrenia etc. are much more common in children of fathers over 40.

Past 40 the chance of the woman miscarrying rises, no matter what her age. The length of time it takes to get pregnant increases, no matter what her age. The risk of abnormalities increases, no matter what her age.

All genetic material ages.

There is a reason most fertility clinics do not use sperm donors over 39.
Sometimes younger.

So there's an apparent picture and then there's the much more complex picture beneath it

he has some rather odd (to me) religious views. I won't go into detail, but it surprised me that someone as intelligent as he clearly is can believe what can only be described as bonkers batshit!

This is definitely as important as the foot in mouth, appearance critiqueing thing.

Usually an explanation of why a not unattractive person is single.

Oh - he's definitely in the 'academics who can't run their own baths' category. And to be fair, he's very well informed (so yes, I suppose he does spout facts) and we do have some great discussions. When it comes to religion though, we work on an 'agree to disagree' basis, as I'm not at all religious, given how it has been used down the centuries as a tool to oppress women. Thankfully, he has never tried to recruit me, as it's fairly obvious that it would be a lost cause!

And 'Heretic' is definitely on my 'to watch' list!

Haven't RTFT, but I had no idea men in their 50s engaged in negging? I thought people grew out of that in their 20s.

I'm not sure what I would do in this situation, it would depend on how much I liked him. If I was already having doubts this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

He's nagging definitely!!

He said you have rosacea even though you don't! Seriously fuck him off, he sounds like a mixed up individual to say the least!!

He was negging you. Realised that you are out of his league and so wanted to keep you "down", in case you realised yourself.

My ex did the same to me, after me initially being the most beautiful woman in the world, he then stopped complimenting me and picking faults. I am not a supermodel but I take care of myself, am slim, take pride in my appearance.

He on the other hand is overweight, has zero self care routine, doesn't go to the dentist and dresses like he's raided a clothes bank.

Be careful you're not attributing his blank look to anything but pretence.

100%

I had an ex that started to get abusive after the obligatory first few weeks of the mask being firmly in place. I said that unless he would say it to his male friends, don't say it to me. If he wants to criticise me or have a go, do it with humanity like an adult, not with sarcasm and mockery.

He just could not hold in the condescending nastiness and mockery even over trivial things. The tiniest perceived infraction of his weird 'life rules' was met with a totally out of proportion response.

He was trying to break me down and it started to work but one day I realised that I had started to hate him instead of seeing him as a potential life partner and I left. That's when the letters and calls came (pre internet) but I ignored it all.

This was donkeys years ago as it was pre internet but I met someone a few months ago that used to work with him and is still in touch with him and despite him always saying to me that he wanted to get married and have kids etc. he is still single. Can't think why.