Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

@KnackeredOldCatLady this is exactly it. Unfortunately as middle aged women we’re very aware that we’re perhaps not looking as good as we used to. We beat ourselves up about it and make ourselves feel insecure. It’s not intentional but society,media,etc certainly help us feel that way. You don’t need some man to come along who thinks he’s giving you a half arsed compliment and it makes you feel worse. You deserve better. Sod him!

The date ended on a subdued note and he has since messaged several times to ask when we can meet again. He has also messaged to say that he is missing me.

I haven't yet replied, as I want some time to think. I don't normally condone ghosting, but maybe this situation warrants it

Yes, it's called negging. It's a technique actually taught to incels as a way to control women.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/negging#backhanded-compliments

"I thought you might be a prince, but clearly you're not, so off you fuck back to your pond."

@KnackeredOldCatLady You can do better than this.

It's always the entitled fat old farts who seem to think we should be looking like someone from sex and the city, which is one of the recent musings I made on here. Cheeky bastard. 😠None of them seem to take a realistic look in the mirror and work on themselves, but as women we're meant to 'look pretty'! It absolutely infuriates me. This is one of the reasons I refuse to date any more. I'm also in the 'drop him' consensus party.

Honestly, what's the point? With the health issues, you could end up being a carer long-term. To someone who thinks negging is acceptable. No. In the bin.

So he's overweight and unfit but likes to point out that he initially thought you looked old, you have blotchy skin and a bunion!

Tell him he's a fat, ill-mannered slob and dump him. You can do SO much better!

Lol sack him off, what a tool. Normal people can keep those thoughts in their head and politely compliment their date without adding an insult in.

At best, he's just a bit dim and doesn't think before he speaks, at worst he's a misogynist who was deliberately trying to make you feel you'd pulled someone out of you're league and that you're lucky to have his attention.

Either way, get rid!!

@Kingblue Yes, I have indeed had sex with this prince among men. If I was feeling generous, I'd describe it as mediocre (and let's just say that he isn't overendowed in the manly department .....)

Personally I don't even think he's negging.

I think he's shallow as a damp patch.

Unaware of his own short comings or thinks they don't matter.

And has no filter.

He honestly thought you'd be complimented that he now thinks you look younger than he initially thought you looked.

That's why he's so non plussed that you're the opposite of flattered.

He's just a shallow, un self aware, filter less dickhead.

Not sticking up for him - but maybe he was just trying to say something nice and really cocked it up!
Men can be a bit rubbish as using their big words sometimes!

Horrid , undiplomatic comment. Get rid.

Yes, that's how it sounds to me, too. Less conscious malice than just being a rude idiot blind to his own physical shortcomings and without the basic awareness of why commenting on other people's bodies is rude.

Sounds a good suggestion.

He certainly doesn’t have good manners that’s for sure.

I would find it very off putting, especially when you say he’s no oil painting himself. It would also make me wonder how he would behave in other social situations with my friends in the future.

If you carry on seeing him presumably he will continue to point out these charming observations of his. It would make me uncomfortable and I wouldn’t want to be made to feel uncomfortable by someone new that I was dating.

I am worried about the timing of this. It sounds like his mask has slipped. Men who are arseholes (or as the internet will tell you have narcissism; rare, usually they are arseholes), will move out of the love bomb stage and then start stripping back your confidence so that you don't leave them. This happened to me with my last partner, who was also overweight and balding at the back (both of which he hid on his profile pictures.) They are deflecting their insecurities onto you, but also testing to see if you will put up with it. Please leave him. If you stay it will get worse. I stayed for 18 months and during that time was told I looked like a hamster (referencing the lines down my cheeks), and that I could probably get a two-for-one breast and face lift, and that I was "not a reed" in reference to my size when we were trying to fit into a restaurant booth that HIS gut was struggling with. Unhappy, insure men are the absolute worst partners. It will get worse. Leave him.

It won't be long before he's starting with the you're looking a bit tired routine again and you don't need to have your self esteem eroded like that. The MN jury has spoken - it's time to LTFB.

So this balding, overweight with health problems, small dicked man who's mediocre in bed.. thinks he's in a position to judge women on how relatively young they look, point out their bunion, tell them they have rosacea etc.

(And how the fuck do you decide someone has rosacea without being a dermatologist. In fact, even then. I wouldn't have a clue whether it was a hot flush, reaction to a product, varying pigment, anything really. But I wouldn't be saying anything out loud in the first place).

As I said, he needs to be at home with Debby the rubber sex/companion doll. She won't notice the small dick and mediocre sex performance either.

I don’t think this merits a ghosting, I think it merits a text:

”I’m sorry I thought I could do fat and balding but I can’t” Then block.

He is a toad 🐸 that should be plopped back into the pond. Prince charming he is not.

We shouldn't have to contort our thinking in order to make sense of or understand the shit meted out to us by cunts.

Urgh, Throw this one back OP. He sounds grim. He's shown his true colours.

It sounds like this shocking comment has made your rose tinted glasses of early dates fall off and now you are seeing him properly with a critical eye, much as he apparently cast over you, and realising he isn't even that great of a catch!

Not sure if he was purposefully negging or if he's just a shallow, unfiltered IDIOT but either way it sounds like he's no prize.

This... I may need a T-Shirt made for my Hinge profile!😂

"Dear X, it's been nice dating you but unfortunately an unexpected family situation has arisen - I'm not going to have the time or capacity to respond to any messages or continue seeing you.

All the best with your future plans. Y".

Then block on all fronts, enjoy your nice life.

I love the idea of snappy comebacks but I think they're hard to carry off in real life. I prefer the distant line manager approach.

Plus it's just feeding the attention and drama and the other person probably enjoys the attention/timewasting aspect. You want to get them out of your life ASAP, not win a debate.

Well, I hope he's rich because he's sure lacking on the personality, intelligence and looks front.