Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

Don't forget 'looks old'...though he did kindly retract that one.

The point is, he is trying to run OP down by commenting on her looks in a less than nice way.
My husband compliments me, and we have been married for decades. He looks for the good and he finds it.
This man seems to look for the bad, and he doesn't counterbalance it with nice comments either.

I didn't forget that one. I mentioned it in my first response.

Mountains out of mole hills

“Hey, dinner was great….want to head back to mine?”

”No.”

How long do they play that game before she has to say WHY? #awkward

I’m guessing your daughter probably chooses to confide relationship issues with other people rather than you @TattooGuineaPig ?

There’s nothing wrong with anyone not having a low bar and accepting negative comments from a man not exactly prince charming himself.

Having a man isn’t essential and it’s far better being single than putting up with an ignorant twat just for a bit of mediocre sex.

Who said I had a daughter?

I am on the uni threads

so… you don’t?

bizarre

Oh ok so you're stalking me. Nice. I think that's frowned upon in these parts. Just popping off to report you.

Good. Grief.

Autistic

Statement. Question. What?

It doesn’t really suggest autism if he’s only this blunt when pointing out OP’s flaws, and not in general day-to-day life.

It is quite infuriating when people immediately suggest neurodivergence any time a man behaves badly.

ND people can be a little too direct and misunderstand social norms, but you’d find more indicators other than periodic criticisms solely of the woman he’s dating. Sounds more like a man who’s just behaving like a man. Sadly.

To add, from my earlier post above. He made it seem like I was flawed and despite that, he was gracious enough to still like me.. I just had to sort out this horrible flaw with regards to how I dressed 🙄 He also made it seem like he really wanted to overlook it, but couldn’t unless I did something 😤

It’s somehow similar, even though he thought you looked old, he was gracious enough to like you.

In retrospect, I find it so controlling. The man I met was very vain, proud of himself, but deeply insecure and not very nice.

It sounds like the devalue part of the narcissistic cycle of abuse is kicking in. The criticism will just ramp up if you let him get away with this one. Then he’ll discard you and then love bomb and hoover you back up. “Dim” or not, he knows he was undermining and criticising you.

What a horrible man @NurtureGrow you certainly are well rid of him.

By criticising you in that way, he's subtley positioning himself as your superior and giving out the message that you are not good enough for him and that he's doing you a favour in having a relationship with you.

Same as telling me that I look too old for this catch of a man, but he's prepared to lower himself just this once.

It's all about controlling via undermining.

And I'm sure that you look stunning when you go to your posh events! x

As someone who is neurodivergent and has neurodivergent family and friends can we kindly sod off with the ‘he’s probably neurodivergent’ trope every time a man’s bad behaviour is mentioned.

It’s reductive and lazy to write off any form of arseholish behaviour as ND when the vast majority of us manage to get through the day without picking fault in people’s appearance or losing all filter.

The man is an ass. End of.

Completely agree @Over40Overdating

He might be autistic.

A friend of mine is autistic, very bright, very academic, but crap at emotional intelligence (he has started getting better, although sometimes he realises he shouldn't say something out loud after he has said it). Perhaps your insulting balding Romeo is ND? It's very strange that he was surprised that you didn't like to be called old.

Yes, really!!

if he has the skill to be that manipulative

The sad fact is that our society shows him in so many ways that keeping a woman in her place is highly advantages to men, especially when they are 'punching above their weight'

It's a mistake to think he needs to have worked this out for himself.

Mediocre sex, negging comments which have you running to the mirror. Please, take the word of MN you are absolutely perfect as you are, please don't let anyone, especially old balding health crisis prone men, to have you think otherwise.

Is there perhaps sometimes a voice inside your head which maybe sometimes agrees with him? Your interactions with this man could turn out to include a gift for you, to spot that you have this voice and do the work to free yourself of it.

It's absolutely not your job to explain what he is doing wrong, as suggested by some posters. You are not his human support appliance.

I hope you decide against continuing and think you will have dodged a bullet.

Honesty some of them show why they are single quite early on... One guy with teeth like a walrus asked why my teeth were small. Never in my whole life has anyone mentioned my teeth being small. I asked him if he often gets into trouble for his inappropriate comments.

"Controlling via undermining"

These two words perfectly encapsulate the strategy by which millions - billions - of men wield emotional control over women.

Mostly it's not calculating. It's born from fundamental disrespect for women that is inculcated in both sexes from the day of birth. It's revolting and horrible.

"Controlling via undermining" yep