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Original poster

Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

430 replies

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 09:32

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

OP posts:
Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:12

apostrophewoman · 03/03/2025 17:42

OP, what do you think he'd say if you told him what you've told us? Not about his crap sexual prowess and small penis, but the bunion, weight loss, looking old thing? Would he improve or would he tell you you're being ridiculous? It might be worth a try and I think you'd have your answer.
Tbh, I'm your age and do OLD and the shit sex would be the end anyway. You can't lie in bed next to someone and dread them fumbling at your bits, it's nauseating.

I did express my upset about the looking old thing, but as previously mentioned, he just looked blank and bemused and didn't understand what I was upset about. He kept telling me that he was paying me a compliment (in telling me that he has changed his opinion about how old I look) and he never apologised.

The other things, bunion etc., I didn't say anything. I reasoned to myself that these things are factually correct, so that didn't entitle me to challenge him.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2025 18:14

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 16:57

He's actually very good company, we have similar interests and we go on really nice dates. And despite my description of his appearance, I do find him attractive.

But no, I've never had a really good relationship.

Show quote history

You said up thread "It's more that he's word vomiting every stupid thought that comes into his head". So why be 'involved' with a stupid man?

If he's good company (when he's not insulting you), maybe you should 'Friend Zone' him? Or a FWB, if you're into that. I certainly wouldn't want to be in 'a relationship' with him.

Remember too that if you're only seeing him, you aren't out there meeting men that are actually worth your time. You won't meet Mr Right if you're tied up with Mr Wrong.

fetchacloth · 03/03/2025 18:18

PurpleChrayn · 03/03/2025 09:36

Is he David Brent??

Yes I wondered that too. I would throw that one back in the pool OP.

WarmWhite · 03/03/2025 18:19

I don’t know if you’re a bit lonely op, but honestly, this one needs chucking back. You can call it bemused but he basically ignored you when you said you were upset. Do you really think he talks to men like that?

Other posters have warned you this is a red flag for an abusive personality, and that’s been my experience too. It isn’t something I would ignore about someone again, male or female.

Do you really want to have bad sex with a fat man who makes you feel self conscious?

What need of yours is he meeting? Figure out what it is and meet that need another way.

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:21

What his relationship history? Divorced? Children? Have you ever been married op?

Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:21

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2025 18:14

You said up thread "It's more that he's word vomiting every stupid thought that comes into his head". So why be 'involved' with a stupid man?

If he's good company (when he's not insulting you), maybe you should 'Friend Zone' him? Or a FWB, if you're into that. I certainly wouldn't want to be in 'a relationship' with him.

Remember too that if you're only seeing him, you aren't out there meeting men that are actually worth your time. You won't meet Mr Right if you're tied up with Mr Wrong.

Show quote history

He is certainly emotionally stupid. But in terms of academic intelligence, he is very bright and well read, which is something that I find very attractive. We have great conversations about books, current affairs etc. and that is something that I would miss a lot.

But what a great idea about friend zoning! I hadn't thought about that, but on reflection, it would suit me very well, as I would be sad to stop seeing him altogether.

Not FWB though. The sex isn't good enough for that!

OP posts:
Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:22

Have you shared this with any friends in RL? If not.., I suggest you do over a glass of wine and have a giggle!

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:23

as I would be sad to stop seeing him altogether.

op for you to say this about this person after a mere 3 months would indicate you have very few people in real life?

CowTown · 03/03/2025 18:26

KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:21

He is certainly emotionally stupid. But in terms of academic intelligence, he is very bright and well read, which is something that I find very attractive. We have great conversations about books, current affairs etc. and that is something that I would miss a lot.

But what a great idea about friend zoning! I hadn't thought about that, but on reflection, it would suit me very well, as I would be sad to stop seeing him altogether.

Not FWB though. The sex isn't good enough for that!

Show quote history

To friend zone someone you’ve already had sex with is quite the challenge.

Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:29

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:21

What his relationship history? Divorced? Children? Have you ever been married op?

He's divorced with grown up children. I've never been married, although I've had a couple of live in relationships.

I'm reasonably financially secure (as to be fair, is he), with a nice, comfortable house, no dependants and plenty of spare time and I think he finds all that quite appealing.

OP posts:
Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:32

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:22

Have you shared this with any friends in RL? If not.., I suggest you do over a glass of wine and have a giggle!

This may sound bonkers, but I haven't told any of my friends as I feel too embarrassed! But I am seeing a really good friend tomorrow night, so may well crack open the vino and fess up!

OP posts:
WarmWhite · 03/03/2025 18:35

He isn’t going to be any less critical as a friend.

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:36

Are you lonely Op? are you so short of friends that you really would be “very sad” not to have this fleck of slime in your life?

Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:36

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:23

as I would be sad to stop seeing him altogether.

op for you to say this about this person after a mere 3 months would indicate you have very few people in real life?

I don't really have any family, but I do have friends. However, they all work full time and tend to be busy with other commitments.

He and I are semi retired and both work part time, so because we each have plenty of spare time, we have been spending a lot of time together.

OP posts:
TattooGuineaPig · 03/03/2025 18:37

I think it was a thoughtless and stupid thing to say but why end a relationship over such a minor offense?

Seems kind of nuts to me.

WilfredsPies · 03/03/2025 18:37

The other things, bunion etc., I didn't say anything. I reasoned to myself that these things are factually correct, so that didn't entitle me to challenge him

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You wouldn’t be challenging him over something that was factually correct. You’d be challenging him over the sheer fucking rudeness of him pointing it out. Did you ever say to him ‘Ooh, you’re a bit fat, you’re not very good in bed and I can see my reflection in the top of your head’? No, and why not? Because it would be rude, unkind and completely unnecessary.

You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. The most beautiful 25 yr old in the world isn’t going to be absolutely everyone’s cup of tea. But that does not mean that you have to tolerate a moment’s disrespect from someone you’re dating, irrespective of whether they look like Brad Pitt or French and Saunders. Fuck him off, he doesn’t deserve you and there are better men out there, who will think you are the most beautiful woman they’ve ever seen and who will make your toes curl ( in a good way, not a cringey way).

Original poster
KnackeredOldCatLady · 03/03/2025 18:37

Misaster · 03/03/2025 18:36

Are you lonely Op? are you so short of friends that you really would be “very sad” not to have this fleck of slime in your life?

But I probably do need to focus on other interests and activies

OP posts:
WillIEverBeOk · 03/03/2025 18:38

TattooGuineaPig · 03/03/2025 18:37

I think it was a thoughtless and stupid thing to say but why end a relationship over such a minor offense?

Seems kind of nuts to me.

@TattooGuineaPig Read all of the OPs posts on this thread. He said 5 offensive comments, not just one.

choccytime · 03/03/2025 18:40

What a nasty bastard I couldn't get over that

2025willbemytime · 03/03/2025 18:40

CowTown · 03/03/2025 18:26

To friend zone someone you’ve already had sex with is quite the challenge.

Show quote history

Why if the sex is shit?

TattooGuineaPig · 03/03/2025 18:42

This reply has been deleted

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2025willbemytime · 03/03/2025 18:44

I bet your situation is attractive to him!

AvonleaGirl · 03/03/2025 18:45

Throw him back in the sea. At best, he has the sensitivity and tact of a gnat. At worse, he's a negger who is very unkind and manipulative. Both options result in you feeling unhappy and insecure when you shouldn't be. You deserve so much better OP, he doesn't merit your time - even if he was a buff Greek god with a full head of hair, which we know he isn't...

Over40Overdating · 03/03/2025 18:45

@TattooGuineaPig as well as giving up, you should get some self esteem if you think this is how people who make good partners speak.

I can guarantee you if OP had replied to his of his fault finding facts with a critique of her own, his response would have been very different.

TattooGuineaPig · 03/03/2025 18:46

Over40Overdating · 03/03/2025 18:45

@TattooGuineaPig as well as giving up, you should get some self esteem if you think this is how people who make good partners speak.

I can guarantee you if OP had replied to his of his fault finding facts with a critique of her own, his response would have been very different.

I bet his says a lot of good things that are not "fault finding" and I'd bet money he is neurodiverse.