Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

How about letting him know you give less fucks. I ve lost interest, thanks for the fun times, best of luck in the future.

Care less, and let him know you care less.

You might also get the “I’m just honest, me…” line. Sounds like delusions of grandeur and/or this weird negging thing too. No thank you. On to someone who deserves you please! X

NSFW

Oh - I hate the 'call a spade a spade' thing. It's just an excuse to be rude to people.

I don't think that it's negging though, as he doesn't really have the guile and cunning to do that. It's more that he's word vomiting every stupid thought that comes into his head to someone who he doesn't consider worthy of respect. I'm sure that he wouldn't do it to a man.

as he doesn't really have the guile and cunning to do that.

you have known him the grand total of 3 months OP

Fair point, although we have spent a lot of time together.

I'll change it to: 'from what I can gather of his personality so far, I think it may be the case that he doesn't have the guile and cunning .....'

Humpty Numpty more like :D

so what exactly drew you to him op? Because I’ve read the thread and I can’t find one redeeming feature.

Op have you ever had a properly genuinely loving, supportive and healthy relationship? Ever?

He's actually very good company, we have similar interests and we go on really nice dates. And despite my description of his appearance, I do find him attractive.

But no, I've never had a really good relationship.

It is very clear you haven’t OP

do you have children?

I've recently been teaching my 6 year old that things may be factual but there's no need to share them with others unless they are kind. I wouldn't fancy having to explain this to a man in his 50's. He won't get better.

No children. Just my cat. She's my baby 😻

And he will know all of the above, which is why he can balance it out when you raise the issue of him having the emotional intelligence of a house brick. Do you think that you have never had a good relationship because none of them have lasted, or because they all lacked the things you have listed above? I am worried that you think he might be the last chance. He's not.

Urgh. When I was internet dating, a couple of guys tried to “tease” me about my age, how my biological clock was ticking etc. Instant nope. One of them was quite surprised because he thought the date went well lol.

OP, what do you think he'd say if you told him what you've told us? Not about his crap sexual prowess and small penis, but the bunion, weight loss, looking old thing? Would he improve or would he tell you you're being ridiculous? It might be worth a try and I think you'd have your answer.
Tbh, I'm your age and do OLD and the shit sex would be the end anyway. You can't lie in bed next to someone and dread them fumbling at your bits, it's nauseating.

You’ve only known him 3 months … sack it off!

Unless he's on the spectrum and just being honest, I went out with a guy once and lied and my age I was really 40 and he was 47 and I'd said I was 38 when I told him I was 40 he said oh so you are old really and nearer my age so I don't need to worry now so much you will leave me, he would also tell me my hair was thin, I said that's not nice and he replied well it's true.....I dumped him

That was a big clue there.

Things like 'you look happy' but you get the feeling they are not happy about that.
Or 'you look good' but they act as if that's that's surprising thing.

Always trust your gut. If it says 'they don't like that' or 'they want me to feel insecure' then thats the truth and your instincts are picking it up loud and clear.

Ugh sorry you are experiencing the middle aged man on dating apps with delusions @KnackeredOldCatLady.

As another PP said, if he just says things as they come into his head, you’d have had positives as well. He knows what he’s doing and him looking bemused and changing the subject is more him not being able to justify being called out than it is not understanding.

3 months is usually the twist or stick point. He clearly wants to stick but if he’s unsure about what you are thinking, taking a couple of swipes at your self esteem would be a good way to get you to stick around.

It’s always the ones who look like they snuck on to earth from Mordor who treat you the worst. Never give an average or ugly man the benefit of the doubt.

As someone who is currently trying OLD this is genius!

@KnackeredOldCatLady from your updates I think this one needs thrown back. We can all say stupid insensitive things at times but this doesn't sound like a one off and you can do better

Perhaps it was done unconsciously (as in he wasn't fully aware of how awful it came out) but I think that was a put down.
He was trying to bring you down to size imo, and not allow you to think you're any great shapes.

I don't like 50 year old men using the term 'hot'. It's immature and it would make me uneasy about who they were.

Urgh!!!!!!

It sounds like was trying to let you know how open minded he was by giving you a chance. How generous of him 🤦‍♀️.

I don’t know if I could be bothered to explain why his statement was ick inducing. I don’t know how old this man is but I would not continue a relationship with someone so emotionally stunted, nobody’s got time for that.

This doesn’t sound good..

I once went out with a man who said he liked everything about me, apart from how I dress. He said he thought it would be a problem as it was very important to him that him, his partner (and any future child/children?) looked good together and looked good in photos (?!) Also if we went to a fancy venue, I might not be dressed correctly. Obviously here he wasn’t hiding the insult 🤦‍♀️

Yeah, I didn’t immediately stop seeing him, but I should have. I actually bought a few new clothes. Of course, he was such a wrongun. Something deeply weird about him, nasty.

Now, I’m married and my husband and I generally can go to fancy venues.. and my husband is proud to introduce me as his wife.

I had a lucky escape.

Wish you the best to meet someone right for you xx