Please help me unpick this insulting 'compliment'

[KnackeredOldCatLady]

Have been dating a guy for about three months. We are both in our 50s and I am a couple of years older than him. All is (or rather, was) going well. We met via OLD.

The other day, he said these words to me:
'When I first saw you on our first date, I thought you looked old and that put me off. I then spent our date wondering if I could have a relationship with someone who looks so old. However, now that I have got to know you, I actually think that you look young. Younger than me in fact'.

He actually meant this as a compliment and was surprised that I was upset. Very upset.

And BTW, after our first date, he was very keen to snog me and pin me down for an early second date (asked if he could see me the next day).

So WTF????? Is this a LTB offence?

Agreed, they want to be mothered and coddled but only by a woman who looks like she could be his daughter not his equal.

This is what's known as a back-handed compliment. It's up to you to decide if you like him or not and want to continue the relationship. He might be the needy sort, btw, if so keen on second date, so beware!

In MN terms - a nurse with a purse

You know for the next guy, have his name in your phone, and every time he says something or does something which is a bit pink flag / prick vibes, delete a letter from his name. And when you run out of letters just delete the number, block, and move on. And note if his name is William, put him in as Bill / Will. Nobody uses full names 😂

Sad, but absolutely true. Unfortunately, the bastards have biology on their side - they can 'deliver the goods' evolutionarily into their 80 - I have not checked, but there has been research.

I personally think it is disgusting when a young woman/man steps out with somebody too old for them, but as of recently, some people began praising older women with younger men - choosing Demi M, Ralph Feinnes' or however he is spelled, older female partner and this sculptress or film director - Taylor-something with her Aaron. Weird.

Actually, that's a very good standard. When their poor behavior deletes their name, they are deleted/blocked. Thumbs Up

We're not there to pick up on the nuances and such and only hear a little bit. That said, as one who occasionally blurts out comments myself that aren't as delicately thought out as they perhaps should be, from what you've said, I think dumping this guy at this point might be an overreaction and possibly cheating yourself out of a good relationship.

If you like him otherwise, I'd reserve judgement for now. We all have feelings about someone's attractiveness level at first, with various details attached. So he may not be negging you but just honestly, though a bit thoughtlessly, sharing how he felt at first and how he changed his mind. (He may also already realize that he's not Mr. Universe himself).

The other comments, about bunions and rosacea, I didn't even take to be insults about your appearance. I could easily see making those comments to a friend, in passing, just being chatty or trying to help.

I know I'd never make it with someone who put so much weight on every little thing I said. As one who's been married forever, I'm often taken aback by the negative, bitter, ready-to-pounce attitude a lot of long-time singles (both male and female) have. I sure wouldn't want to deal with that. Remember, this guy is just one imperfect person just like you are. He's not responsible for all of your past disappointments any more than you are for his. I'm not saying to not notice possible warning signs but I also wouldn't be too quick to condemn because what you're reading into it could well be wrong at this point.

Also, please keep in mind that this is Mumsnet, so you'll be advised to "dump the bastard" at the first hint of offense, real or imagined.

@Hwi They can deliver the goods but rarely does a woman want those goods unless he is £££ and she is a golddigger.

And yeah I feel disgusted by it too. However the older woman younger man thing I can only see as positive because the other way around will never go away, so lets make it equal. I wish it would not be a thing at all though. But if men should have all these age options available to them then so should women.

This is a great idea!

I'm not in this position but if I was it would be a definite NO from me. To be honest OP I'm actually surprised you feel the need to ask if this mans insensitive comments are a 'leave the man' offence

Can you get rid of this 'George Cloonely in his eyes' please?
He is not kind and generous.
Get someone of your own level. Issue with these ugly ( sorry to be so shallow but such people deserve such description) people is they have very low self esteemed and they feel better by putting others down about their appearance. The only people they can safely put down are closest to them.
Please get a person who takes care of himself, is fit and self assured enough to not put down others, and do not give that much attention to other people's looks.

I wouldn’t even mention it to him. Don’t prime him to be better for the next woman so he waits 6 months instead of 3 before he insults her. You don’t owe him dating tips.

Tell him an ex is back in contact, or there’re no chemistry. That bits true.

I'd throw him back, whichever way you look at it, he's not a great catch.

He's either very emotionally unintelligent and doesn't realise that what he's saying is insulting and not just him being ' factual or honest'. OR he's doing it deliberately and negging you.

Unless he’s been presenting you with diamonds and Italian sports cars instead of flowers on each date, there isn’t enough generosity and affection in the world that would make this crap worth putting up with.

I’d message him back saying ‘Since we began dating, you have told me that I have rosacea, you have commented on my body post weight loss, you have commented on my feet and you have been shockingly bad in bed. I’ve been willing to overlook all of this, as well as your obesity and related conditions, and your male pattern baldness, because you have been generous, affectionate and otherwise quite a kind person. But thinking that it is a compliment to tell me that you spent our first date wondering if you could date someone who looks as old as me, shows me that you’re actually a little bit thick as well. And a lack of intelligence is not something I’m prepared to overlook on top of everything else, so I have no interest in seeing you again’.

In theory they can, but their swimmers can have issues, and oddly enough science doesn't like to chit-chat about that as much as our old eggs! Aside, as a mid-fifties woman when I see a sixty something man saying "open to children" on an app, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Swipe. Left.

It’s not just that they don’t want to listen, it’s that they actually don’t believe it when they’re confronted with anything that counteracts their bulletproof self-image. It’s the usual patriarchal, misogynistic bullshit.

These bald, fat articles - who think photos of them holding a giant flabby carp are somehow enticing, and that they could easily be having it away with a 20 year old - are unshakeable in their delusions, which makes them feel entitled to be highly critical of women their own age.

Whereas we’re taught from a young age to be highly critical of ourselves, to put other people’s feelings first, to be nice. And frankly, fuck that.

As someone once said on here, ‘oh to have the self-confidence of the average mediocre white man …’

I'd have asked him if he'd looked in a mirror lately, as you have clearly looked after yourself while he hasn't. Yet you were willing to give him a chance ... until he said something so clearly meant to make you feel bad ... and then left.

Get rid of him !
you can do better !
u describe him as someone not many woman would find attractive tbh health conditions because of a lazy lifestyle yuk !!

Well, I'd let him know this and end things. Seeing as he obviously likes the truth.

It’s not just that they don’t want to listen, it’s that they actually don’t believe it when they’re confronted with anything that counteracts their bulletproof self-image. It’s the usual patriarchal, misogynistic bullshit

@EnjoythemoneyJane And that's why we are labelled mad! Because we are explaining something which to them, is utterly outlandish and unbelievable, given their bulletproof self-image. In the same way that we wouldn't believe someone telling us there are fairies at the bottom of our gardens, they are unable to believe anyone telling them that they are less than perfect and gorgeous!

@KnackeredOldCatLady

Let's set the possibility of negging to one side. My feeling is that if this man hasn't got the sense to keep his mouth shut if he has 'reservations' about someone's personal appearance, I would think he was just plain stupid. Especially at the age of 50 or so, he should know better or at least have better manners.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with thinking that someone 'looks older' or is 'heavier than I thought' or whatever. That's part of forming an opinion with an eye to future dates. But if someone isn't smart enough (or polite enough) to keep their thoughts to themself then as far as I'm concerned they aren't 'relationship material'.

@EnjoythemoneyJane I think that was me! 😂 and totally agree with your post.

Well thank you for the brilliant quote 👌 - lives rent-free in my head as I observe the truth of it on a daily basis!

This made me laugh so much! Perfect response 😂

Op how did life along the way treat you so abysmally to have endured this man for 3 months and then need online strangers to tell you that you’re not being too sensitive

He sounds vile
You sound very vulnerable to vile man