Should I pay my partner rent?

[isaisa123]

tl;dr: partner owns his property outright and wants me to pay him rent on top of bills etc.

I have recently moved in with my partner of 3 years. He owns his (2 bed) property outright: he bought it with money from a family trust set up for him when he was born. He rents out one bedroom to his friend for £700 / month. We share the other bedroom. He wants me to pay him £350 / month on top of all bills which are split equally three-ways. We also split the cost of any house repairs that need doing.

He says the arrangement will make us both richer -- as I will be paying less than market rent for a similar room.

When we first spoke about finances, before I moved in, he said that the money I saved in rent could be put towards making our lives 'bigger'. When discussing this recently, he said that this was still true, that the money I pay him can go towards his masters course fees for example, and that this will benefit us both long-term.

The amount is small, but I'm not sure how I feel about it in principle. Because he pays no rent or mortgage, I can't see why I should pay him rent. On the other hand I am benefitting hugely - the flat is lovely, we are making a home together, and I am able to save more money than if I were renting on the private market. On the other other hand I am very much sharing his room, and there is not much space in the flat for my things (they are currently in boxes in cupboards / storage)

I also end up doing most of the housework and I worry that if I am giving him money on top of that and on top of bills etc I will become resentful. I'm also not sure what his motivations are for asking me to give him money, since he doesn't really need it.

What do you think?

He has the luxury of pissing about being a dilettante eternal student, because of family money funding a place to live.

I should clarify that I don't do ALL the cooking. The housemate cooks on Sunday evening for example (that's the agreement). Neither do food shops really, but buy food for individual meals. But yeah, I don't think my partner has cooked a meal in about 3 weeks. When he cooks it's only really tomato pasta (and variations on this) and I don't want to eat that all the time so I just end up cooking what I want to eat and making enough of it for the other two.

My partner is insistent that he wants to live in a house in which we all eat together, so I end up doing much of the planning, shopping and cooking for them both.

Fuck that shit.

Anyway he didn't pay for the house, his family did.

Sorry OP but if you’re looking to have kids soon you need to get away from this controlling manipulative gaslighting money grabbing twat asap.

What a horrible man he is. He had the privilege of being born into money but it has just made him arrogant, entitled and judgemental. The last thing I would do is have children with him. He has no empathy and isn't even grateful for all the 'wife work' you do for him and his lodger.

Wow. He's a real gentleman, isn't he?

💯 - he’s an entitled little prince who thinks the world revolves around his spoiled arse.

He thinks you’re beneath him OP and he’s doing you a favour lowering himself to date you and that you should be externally grateful

Are you sure he wants the same things as you for the future, and will be a good partner in the life that you want?
If he does agree to have a child (asking his other housemate to move out so the child can have his room) you will be doing all the housework, cooking, plus childcare, plus working to make sure you contribute half financially. It would be much better to have a partner who wants to be a partner with you. Not someone who seems to be coasting through life on family money and doesn't recognise your contribution.

What does he actually bring to the table, apart from half a bedroom which he belatedly decided to charge you for once you were in situ?
Does he make you laugh? Is he generous in other ways?

He said out loud you bring nothing to the relationship.

But you're shopping and cooking dinners for three people, you're cleaning after 3 people, and he wants you to pay money for half a room and bang him too. He wants you to pay for extras like holidays and to pay him money for his degree.

Girl. It is time to get real and take those blinders off. This guy is using you to do the drudge work, pay for his holiday and degree and you will get nothing. You have a kid with him and you will be paying everything for your kid too. This is not a man who sees you as an equal. You are there to be exploited for work and money.

There is a follow up thread to this in about 5 years time.

My partner (He wont marry you as it will give you too many legal rights) has kicked me out of his house with my little baby. What should i do?

He is protecting everything from his own side whilst making you more and more vulnerable. Any relationship is based on trust, sharing and in most circumstances WANTING your partner to benefit from the relationship. He is trying to use the fact you will save a little money each month to balance the fact he will have a live in sex partner, cook, cleaner and financial contributor from the arrangement.

At no point will he risk anything even if he gives you something you crave. Sorry it sounds to me like your age and wanting a baby may be clouding your decisions and allowing him to take advantage.

IMO you need to make a simple choice. Keep going down this route or refuse to pay rent. Carry on with this charade and you can see how it will plan out at the start of this post. If he kicks you out then its better than being kicked out with a baby in tow. If he accepts it then DO NOT put money into a joint account, he can just as easily empty it at any time. Put the money in your account and ask him to trust you! Give yourself some security that will eventually lead to a balanced relationship rather than the control he has at present due to simple good luck. If he questions it, ask him what is so wrong with YOU having a chance of similar financial security like him which will only help your relationship in the long run.

I will say it again, do not even contemplate starting a family with this man.

You need to leave this guy quick. Don't waste your child bearing years on him and best you don't have children with him either.

He wants a lodger that he can fuck and have cook and clean for him.

Harsh but utterly fair.

At 35 and 31, you and he should be in your own space and planning your future, and only house sharing if you had no other way to afford to live. (And if then, any lodger should be a 'joint' lodger and a joint decision!)

If the friend was staying for a finite time - eg finishing off a work contract then moving on in the summer, or whatever, then maybe. But your DP is prioritising far too much above your relationship whilst still thinking himself the Great I Am for being lucky enough to own a flat.

When he asked if you’d ever considered how unfair it was that he was bringing so much more to the relationship (his flat) while you had no equivalent financial assets, that would have been the end of things right there for me.

He was given his wealth, he didn’t earn it. You were not given any such advantage. This statement reveals exactly how he values a partner—primarily in terms of financial worth. If he’s that concerned, a fair solution would be for him to rent out his house, both of you move somewhere together, either jointly buy or rent and each pay half. That way, his rental income from his property remains his, and you’re not “profiting” from him in any way.

He expects you to pay rent that directly funds his studies—something that benefits him alone. Let’s reframe this: if he truly loved you and wanted to build a future together, he could choose generosity. He could support you in saving up so you both contribute to a financially secure life as a team and for future children, recognising you weren’t given an inherited (not earned!!) financially advantageous start in life!

He will string you along while it serves him, ensuring you help fund his education, but conveniently delaying commitment until it’s too late for you to have children. He’s thinking only about his own benefit—not yours, and certainly not a shared future. And let’s be real—he’ll never marry you because that would mean risking half of the house if you divorce.

Run. Go find someone who actually wants a life partner.

Glad you got your points across, I would save the £350 in your own savings account (more if you can afford to) and see how things go.
His attitude isn't great you need to be careful about how pregnancy/maternity/share of childcare etc will look before you commit.

Ideally you want to save enough to have half a deposit so you can buy somewhere equally.
His lack of contribution to cleaning/cooking doesn't bode well either. Tread carefully.

@isaisa123 THIS!! Read this . And then again. And then make plans to leave and find a decent partner - cos this one ISN’T IT!

No no no
You should not be be contributing to repairs anyway
His mortgage his responsibility
Once again, he sees you as a soft touch
Again you should be contributing to bills and food BUT it's his attitude which is all wrong
I would honestly consider ending the relationship
Just imagine if you had a child?
I don't think he would share the costs and bluntly you'd be fucked when on maternity leave.
You deserve better and I'm glad it seems to be dawning on you.

He doesnt value you at all. He picked you because he wants and expects you to know your place as beneath him, lucky to have him, grateful for any scraps he throws your way.

He didnt even earn the money for his house, hes a spoiled brat. And he's 35 and doesnt sound like hes ever had, or is close to getting a proper job.

And my 7 year old son can make tomato pasta and variations of it.

He sounds horrible. I really hope you leave him.

How long have you been together? I think it’s telling that he doesn’t want his lodger mate to leave even if you paid the equivalent rent - he wants his boys club. If the two of you were serious about the long term surely you’d live together as a couple and without the lodger if you could afford it?

The Rent a Room scheme allows him to make £7500 per year tax free from his lodger(s) but he has to pay tax on anything above that. And agreed that lodgers shouldn’t be paying towards repairs full stop

Does he similarly think that he is 'better' than his lodger-friend? Or is it only women he judges in that way? Or only the woman that is his prospective life partner and mother of his kids?

Why don't you quit this uneven relationship, move out and share a rented place with other young professionals, and develop your own independent life, build up your career and perhaps work towards building a savings pot for a deposit. Along the way perhaps you will meet someone on an equal footing who you love and who who falls in love with you. Someone you can build a truly shared life and partnership with.

I've said it before but I'll repeat it, because it is important:

This isn't just about the £350 - it's about his attitude, which stinks. He is utterly selfish, expecting you to act as his maid and being overly focused on the monetary value that you bring to the relationship.

This is who he is. He won't change. Don't let your ticking biological clock overwhelm you. If you stay and have children, your current situation will be magnified by a factor of 10+ and you will regret it.

You'd be absolutely bonkers to have children with this man the way he thinks about money.

He'll probably expect you to continue to cover bills and rent and expenses out of your maternity whether you're on a reduced income or not, and despite it being half his child. He'll probably expect you to pay the childcare and child's expenses once born as if it's solely yours as well.

He really needs to show a massive change in the way he behaves about you being a couple and family unit before you have kids together.

Don't be so daft as to have kids without marriage or a civil partnership with such a man who thinks what's his is his and what's yours is his too.

My (now) DH had an owned outright house when I met him and I never paid him rent!

Once we officially lived together I did give him money towards the bills.

I'd have been a bit turned off by him making money off me like I was his tenant (wrong power imbalance!!)