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Original poster

Should I pay my partner rent?

355 replies

isaisa123 · 02/03/2025 17:28

tl;dr: partner owns his property outright and wants me to pay him rent on top of bills etc.

I have recently moved in with my partner of 3 years. He owns his (2 bed) property outright: he bought it with money from a family trust set up for him when he was born. He rents out one bedroom to his friend for £700 / month. We share the other bedroom. He wants me to pay him £350 / month on top of all bills which are split equally three-ways. We also split the cost of any house repairs that need doing.

He says the arrangement will make us both richer -- as I will be paying less than market rent for a similar room.

When we first spoke about finances, before I moved in, he said that the money I saved in rent could be put towards making our lives 'bigger'. When discussing this recently, he said that this was still true, that the money I pay him can go towards his masters course fees for example, and that this will benefit us both long-term.

The amount is small, but I'm not sure how I feel about it in principle. Because he pays no rent or mortgage, I can't see why I should pay him rent. On the other hand I am benefitting hugely - the flat is lovely, we are making a home together, and I am able to save more money than if I were renting on the private market. On the other other hand I am very much sharing his room, and there is not much space in the flat for my things (they are currently in boxes in cupboards / storage)

I also end up doing most of the housework and I worry that if I am giving him money on top of that and on top of bills etc I will become resentful. I'm also not sure what his motivations are for asking me to give him money, since he doesn't really need it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 03/03/2025 12:38

So you have a housemaid that you are paying for privilege.WTF are you thinking here?

haribo1989 · 03/03/2025 12:41

So a while ago I posted on here as my mortgage got paid off due to a insurance claim after getting cancer and I had no idea how to order/spilt finances with my partner who started living with me. My house is in my name only.

I was advised that bills should be split equally (makes total sense to both of us) I was also advised to charge him rent but decided to change it to small amount house emergency fund money that can be put towards household repairs. If something needs fixing I pay but he has technically contributed towards it because he is living here and the house needs repairs because we are both using things - so block drains, sure that makes sense, but if I decided to replace the kitchen or landscaped the garden I would completely pay for that because it increases the value to my property. Because if I sell ultimately I benefit.

Its tricky - I didnt want to charge 'rent' when I am not paying a mortgage but a small monthly contribution for household repairs is fair. But this is not £350 p/m at most £75 p/m for a 4 bed house (so £900 per year - if I add the same £1800 per year on household essential repairs) - this goes into a separate account and its called our emergency fund. If we dont need it we will go on hols.

mewkins · 03/03/2025 12:44

The more we read, the more it sounds like your bf and the other guy devised a great plan to get a live in housekeeper who would also contribute towards maintenance and pay an equal share of the bills. I'm not against him charging rent but he's full if BS and is basically using you to subsidise his low income and permanent student status. Should we be surprised that a man that was gifted his home also feels entitled to get other people to pay for its upkeep?

OP, demand a fair split of housework and print off stuff about what a landlord's responsibilities are if you want to stay there and put aside the money you're saving for a deposit for your own home. This guy is a chance who I suspect has no intention of ever standing on his own two feet.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 03/03/2025 12:48

You're being taken for a ride here, OP. You pay a third of the cost of meals, but the other two are men, who presumably eat a lot more. You do all the cleaning etc as they'd happily live in a mess. Honestly, this just isn't fair. Get yourself into a flat share with other people and swerve this complete and utter user.

Supersimkin7 · 03/03/2025 12:48

No one pays both repair fees and lodger rates.

Or gets asked to pay the landlord’s education costs.

You’re being had. This guy - he isn’t your partner - is used to being financed, and will
doubtless be outraged at the thought that other people aren’t on planet earth to pay his bills. How very dare they?

He’ll be so sure he’s right that he’ll be very convincing and persuasive.

Not so sure here he’s right - very sure you need to move on.

MarkWithaC · 03/03/2025 13:03

isaisa123 · 03/03/2025 10:21

No £650 for rent and bills on top of that in my previous place.
We have a house Splitwise which we put any food or other purchases onto.
Because they both work in schools and I have 2 days wfh I am home a lot more, and end up doing more food shopping and cooking. My partner is insistent that he wants to live in a house in which we all eat together, so I end up doing much of the planning, shopping and cooking for them both. The cost of food is shared equally.
We also share the cost of repairs -- for example a drain needed replacing the other week and the cost (£160) was split three-ways.

Show quote history

If he is so insistent that you all eat together, he can fucking well do the planning, shopping and cooking.
I WFH too, but guess what, my DP doesn't 'insist' that I do the food shopping/ planning/cooking. Because I'm not housekeeping from home, I'm working from home. Like you.

goody2shooz · 03/03/2025 13:04

@isaisa123 and op - please read all the tales of woe from women who have kids with men they aren’t married to. He wants everything HIS way, and if he’s happy to live on takeaway in a dirty house is he really the best choice to father your dc without the protection of marriage?

TheDefiant · 03/03/2025 13:14

When my MIL had a lodger the lodger paid £55 a week lodgings. NO bills, no cleaning or housework MIL even stripped bed and cleaned room once per week.

Lodger had own room and shared use of all communal spaces. Lodger bought own food and did own cooking.

You are getting a worse deal than the lodger and have to share your bed and probably have sex with this gem of a landlord. Ick.

Oneflightdown · 03/03/2025 13:26

I see what your boyfriend (and his lodger!) are getting out of this, OP - home cooked meals, a live in maid, a reduction in expenses etc. What are YOU getting out of it? Less than half a room (lack of storage), the privilege of cleaning up after TWO grown men, extra cooking etc.

But that's all irrelevant, because the fact of the matter is that your boyfriend is a sneaky who changed the goalposts AFTER you moved in. So he's untrustworthy on top of lazy and demanding.

Dump him and move back out. Whatever you do, DON'T have children with him. You know he'll never do half of the parenting - AND he'll expect you to shoulder the vast majority of the financial costs.

Gtbb · 03/03/2025 14:04

You sound very vulnerable and he is a bully.
He in "insistent" of shared meals?
You have been tricked into being a skivvy.

Look at room shares in houses, pack up and leave.
He hasn't a notion of marriage or children.
He needs a skivvy who pays her way and its you for now.

Wake up OP for goodness sake.

TwistedWonder · 03/03/2025 14:45

So he’s treating you like Cinderella and charging you for the privilege?

The more you act like their unpaid maid, the more they’ll sit back and let you do it all.

Makebelievedream · 03/03/2025 14:53

You're planning children together?

And he's charging you rent??

Tell him the future cost of wear and tear to your uterus plus the risk of giving birth has a going rate of around £100,000. Costs for supplements, massages and yoga treats is around £5000pcm. The obstetrician will be a one off £10,000 fee plus £20,000 hospital charges.

Taking his bullshit has a going rate of £7000pc plus the emotional trauma of looking yourself in the mirror after even considering his offer is about £2000pcm.

You'll split giving birth two ways and the lifetime hit to your career he'll need to offset immediately at about £1,000,000

Makebelievedream · 03/03/2025 14:56

Have you told this oxygen thief to fuck off yet?

The only way this abusive nepobaby should father your children is as a donor into a cup. Since nepobaby through zero effort or time investment of his own (emerging from the correct parents with a trust fund you'll notice took absolutely zero effort work or risk from him) then he can expect precisely zero effort, work or time from you, since you're splitting everything halves or three ways.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 03/03/2025 15:49

WHY are you paying for repairs! Surely that should come under the rental agreement. If you rented a house your landlord would cover these types of expenses. Sorry OP but he's taking the piss out of you financially.

WHY are you doing the cooking and food shopping! Split it 3 ways. Again he's taking the piss out of you.

He can want to eat together all he wants, but not at the expense of you having to do the donkey work.

SapphOhNo · 03/03/2025 15:53

OP how do you not read your own posts back and get the ick?

Original poster
isaisa123 · 03/03/2025 16:17

Update:

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this post! Your posts have been so great -- helpful, clarifying.

We had a conversation this morning which I went into equipped with many of the points raised here, so thank you.

For anyone still invested in this here is the summary!:

-I said that I didn't think it was fair to put this condition (rent) on my living in his house after moving in.
-That I wanted to be in a relationship in which both parties were acting in the other's best interest, and that I didn't feel like he was doing this.
-I said that if he wants this to be more transactional I wanted a lodger agreement (didn't go down well, he said I should just move out) and a cleaner.
-I said that what I want is to pay my way in terms of bills and to put a small sum into a joint fund every month.
-That I didn't want to pay more than him per month for the house. He replied that he had already spent a lot more because he purchased the house.
-He also said that he thinks my jealousy is getting in the way of this good thing.
-He said that his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are.
-I said that me paying maintenance might give me a claim on the property in the future and that I didn't think he would want that. That he should think carefully about it. I also said I would expect him to pay tax on these earnings (he should now but doesn't)
-He said he'd think about it. Then changed his mind and said that if I didn't want to pay rent I shouldn't, and that we would 'see how it went'.

OP posts:
flippinnorrra · 03/03/2025 16:17

If he's charging you rent you need a tenancy agreement so that you can't just be kicked out.

You will be funding his masters. If you break up there will be no return on this investment for you. Unless he's proposing marriage I would not be helping him fund his masters, or anything else that is solely going to help him.

He would not otherwise be able to charge rent for sharing his bedroom - so he is making money from you that he wouldn't otherwise be able to make.

I would suggest you put the money for 'rent' into a joint account for those shared 'life enhancing' moments - making sure they are only for things that benefit both of you.

Share all household chores three ways.

This is depressingly transactional and does not demonstrate an attitude of shared and joint endeavour- only lining his pockets. Personally it would be a no for me.

Walkacrossthesand · 03/03/2025 16:18

@isaisa123 , living together should be a test of compatibility before committing to a life together, children etc. It sounds like you're establishing that you are totally incompatible in terms of tidiness, approach to cooking and sharing housework etc. Do you truly like the look of the life that lies ahead if you stay with this man? He won't change...

Naunet · 03/03/2025 16:29

Well done OP! Did you also mention the cooking? How about you suggest they start paying you if they dont want to take an equal turn?! They should be fine with that seeing as they both consider themselves so reasonable!

Gtbb · 03/03/2025 16:36

He is such a user OP.
A dishonest one.

Please protect yourself and seek out a room in a shared house so that you are not blindsided when he thinks this out.

His ahenda is clearly to use you.
You caught him on the hop and now he will rethink things.

He thought he could get you into the house and screw you over.
So dishonest and tells me that he is not seriously intending in you.

Don't make little of yourself over this man.

Make plans and do nothing further with cleaning and cooking.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to build up your self esteem and worth.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

MarkWithaC · 03/03/2025 16:40

he thinks my jealousy is getting in the way of this good thing. That's so manipulative.

his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are More accurately, shows the fact that one is a lodger and one is (supposed to be) a life partner!
His backtracking is him panicking about you moving out and him losing his income and housekeeping/cleaning service.

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2025 16:41

He said that his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are.

Wow.... I think it shows the difference in someone moving in who actually has his own room and space, no...?

I also said I would expect him to pay tax on these earnings (he should now but doesn't)

Colour me (not very) shocked

BalaconBalonz · 03/03/2025 16:44

He is a user and dishonest to echo other PP - he got you to move in under false pretenses and now asks 350 after you move in.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN WITHOUT BEING MARRIED - he is not generous and if you break up could kick you out - no marriage no claim on house and keep any kids with him if you cannot afford to house them

No marriage - no children and no let's get engaged and marry after kids. Can get married in 5 mins in a registry office - marriage secures you and gives you access to the assets in the life you build together. Without marriage they all his and he can kick you out.

Edited to add: he is financially abusive - you deserve better - do freedom programme and bin him off. Wish you the best OP

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2025 16:46

-I said that if he wants this to be more transactional I wanted a lodger agreement (didn't go down well, he said I should just move out) and a cleaner.

Mmm, how dare you not just go for the 'giving him money' part of being a lodger...

thepariscrimefiles · 03/03/2025 16:49

isaisa123 · 03/03/2025 16:17

Update:

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this post! Your posts have been so great -- helpful, clarifying.

We had a conversation this morning which I went into equipped with many of the points raised here, so thank you.

For anyone still invested in this here is the summary!:

-I said that I didn't think it was fair to put this condition (rent) on my living in his house after moving in.
-That I wanted to be in a relationship in which both parties were acting in the other's best interest, and that I didn't feel like he was doing this.
-I said that if he wants this to be more transactional I wanted a lodger agreement (didn't go down well, he said I should just move out) and a cleaner.
-I said that what I want is to pay my way in terms of bills and to put a small sum into a joint fund every month.
-That I didn't want to pay more than him per month for the house. He replied that he had already spent a lot more because he purchased the house.
-He also said that he thinks my jealousy is getting in the way of this good thing.
-He said that his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are.
-I said that me paying maintenance might give me a claim on the property in the future and that I didn't think he would want that. That he should think carefully about it. I also said I would expect him to pay tax on these earnings (he should now but doesn't)
-He said he'd think about it. Then changed his mind and said that if I didn't want to pay rent I shouldn't, and that we would 'see how it went'.

Edited

Well he's shown his twatty true colours here, hasn't he. A few points of rebuttal:

  • He purchased the house outright from money that other people earned/saved for him, not from money that he earned. He is now in possession of an asset which will only go up in value.
  • As he doesn't have a mortage to pay, he is making a profit from the rent he is charging his lodger and he wants to do the same with you. He is not declaring this income for tax purposes.
  • You are only pushing back on this because you are jealous and you aren't as nice a person as his lodger who obviously loves paying rent (even though you do all the cleaning and cooking for all three of you).

Do you still want to be in a relationship with him?