Should I pay my partner rent?

[isaisa123]

tl;dr: partner owns his property outright and wants me to pay him rent on top of bills etc.

I have recently moved in with my partner of 3 years. He owns his (2 bed) property outright: he bought it with money from a family trust set up for him when he was born. He rents out one bedroom to his friend for £700 / month. We share the other bedroom. He wants me to pay him £350 / month on top of all bills which are split equally three-ways. We also split the cost of any house repairs that need doing.

He says the arrangement will make us both richer -- as I will be paying less than market rent for a similar room.

When we first spoke about finances, before I moved in, he said that the money I saved in rent could be put towards making our lives 'bigger'. When discussing this recently, he said that this was still true, that the money I pay him can go towards his masters course fees for example, and that this will benefit us both long-term.

The amount is small, but I'm not sure how I feel about it in principle. Because he pays no rent or mortgage, I can't see why I should pay him rent. On the other hand I am benefitting hugely - the flat is lovely, we are making a home together, and I am able to save more money than if I were renting on the private market. On the other other hand I am very much sharing his room, and there is not much space in the flat for my things (they are currently in boxes in cupboards / storage)

I also end up doing most of the housework and I worry that if I am giving him money on top of that and on top of bills etc I will become resentful. I'm also not sure what his motivations are for asking me to give him money, since he doesn't really need it.

What do you think?

Imagine how dim he must think you are to expect you to pay for his repairs, rent while cleaning and cooking too?

Whatever he feels for you OP, it ain't respect.

I would strong suspect you are a convenience right now and no more.

Get out before you make a child with this man. How many red flags do you need?

I am very late to this party and have not yet RTDT, but Rights of Women have very useful guides on living together on their website:

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/a-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law/

Off the top of my head I'd say that you need to live somewhere and it is reasonable to pay rent for somewhere to live, irrespective of the mortgage-status of the owner (private rentals do not become free once a landlord has paid their mortgage off).

However, this situation seems to be more like your BF is inviting you to subsidise his already profitable house share. I also call absolute BS on "you'll be contributing to my Masters and therefore improving both our lives". That is a very nebulous claim.

If you are serious about living together, I think that the housemate needs to go and you both need to share the costs of running the home (bills, council tax, food) as a couple, and obviously you should have equal space for your stuff.

Read the legal guide though because, as his house-share maid, you'd be out on your arse overnight if you split up.

Now I am going to RTFT and find out that this advice is no longer relevant 😅

I wondered about that too. Why should she live rent free? They don't have shared finances. Her living rent free is like him giving her some of his inheritance. She admits that it is lower than market rent.

She should also consider that if she pays tent he can't just evict her. She'll have rights.

Ha! I was right - althugh I stand by Rights of Women as a useful resource for legal info.

OP, given your discussion with him, I would say move out. Leave him.

He wants a live-in maid, cook, and cash cow. He reneged on an agreement once you had moved so he deliberately moved the goalposts once you had already committed. He wants to be the landlord, but he wants his tenants to pay for upkeep (he cannot have it both ways).

He has multiple qualifications, many people change professional direction and hats off to them, but he sounds more like he's just flip flopping. ALso, great if you can rope other people into paying your academic fees while you live in a house that was practically a gift.

And of course he's going to be a psychotherapist, of course he is! He's already practising manipulation on you (your "jealousy", the "difference in the kind of people" you and his lodger are), he just wants to go professional!

As for "just see how it goes" - don't. Get a houseshare elsewhere and stop seeing him.

He'll "see how it goes" until the next time you assert a boundary or next time you fall out, and he'll ask you to leave as he needs space. Where will you go?

He'll "see how it goes" until you want a holiday or a nice dinner and he'll say "you didn't want to contribute so now I can't plan nice things like that".

And the "I just have different standards or cleanliness" or "I'm around more so do more cooking, they'd just get takeaways" is absolute BS. You have literally walked into the role of housekeeper and nanny, and they fully intend to use you for it. Stop it. Look after yourself instead. xxx

I guess this is what I'm unsure of. My partner says that I should pay rent, that it is what is right, and that I shouldn't expect to 'live for free'. I point out that I wouldn't be living for free, as I am already paying my share of all the costs associated with the flat (including repairs). I am paying the same amount that he pays per month to live in the flat. He says that isn't true because he purchased the flat.

If you read her updates, you will see that he got stroppy with her when she asked for a lodger agreement if she was going to pay rent.

OP - what if you paid £700 pcm but the friend moved out and you actually had his room (ie your own space)? With a lodger agreement and a clear understanding that you were not contributing to repairs as it isn't your house.

Saw you coming really didn't he? He had it all worked out, he just waited until you were settled in the hope you would take the path of least resistance.

Make sure your contraception is watertight. He's going to go cold on you soon enough and you'll end up moving out anyway.

You shouldn't be paying for repairs. The landlord alone is responsible for repairs. I don't think you should live for free. I think £350 + bills is responable if you have your own space. But, you shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for 2 grown men. You are not their maid. If they want a cook and cleaner they should pay for that. Don't be so desperate for a man that you become his and his flatmates servant. Trust me, they won't respect you for it.

Eternal students get massively irritating as they get older as well. This one isn't for having kids with OP. Life will be shit.

@isaisa123 ok then, pay the rent, but don’t pay the repairs, only clean up your own mess, they have to share cleaning, cooking and shopping. Half your stuff is in boxes/storage? Just as well youre only paying £350 for half a bedroom and insufficient storage space. As to this ‘we all eat together’ nonsense- only if everyone takes turns to cook. Assuming they can actually manage that. If you’re not happy with this arrangement, move out. This man is a user, expecting you to fund his masters, pay a share of repairs, cook and clean. Pay rent fine, but the rest of it? NO.

I would be happy with that and have suggested it but it’s a no-goer. He doesn’t want to ask his friend to leave.

As I said before, he purchased the flat using money that other people (i.e. his parents) had saved/invested for him. He did not earn it. If he was paying a mortgage, I would expect you to contribute to that, but as he isn't, your rent will be pure profit for him. Given that you also provide your labour in the form of shopping, cooking and cleaning for him and his lodger, you are more than pulling your weight.

Sorry OP but you’re an absolute mug. Why are you running around like a maid after these lazy twats? And he didn’t buy the flat did he, his parents did by setting him up a trust fund. I don’t think it’s ethical that he’s asked you OR the lodger to pay rent. Share bills, sure, but profiteering off his friend and partner? Gross.

What are his redeeming features because he sounds like an entitled, lazy tosser from where I’m sitting.

I actually don't have an issue with the £350 although it feels weird that he's profiting from you - but he should be footing all repair bills and essential furnishings, general upkeep etc as a landlord would. Also ample storage space for your stuff.

A cleaner should also be provided out of that £350. It's not ok that you are doing that work.

Could you collectively at least buy a few meal boxes so the cooking is simpler and they can take it on? Be v v careful you don't become a skivvy.

This guy is very inconsistent. He wants to have kids with you and for you to see his Masters as an investment in your joint future... but he wants you to live in a houseshare with him and his mate and not get a say in those living arrangements?

How old is he, OP? When is it he thinks your future as a couple, on the road to marriage and kids, might start?

(I think he will lord it over you for the rest of your lives that he happened to be born to money and you did not, but you are the best judge of that)

But OP, he owns the property outright, meaning it’s appreciating in value, and the only real cost to him is maintenance—which you’re already contributing to. You, on the other hand, are simply covering the cost of living there, so it’s not costing him anything to house you. That means any rent he charges is pure profit for him.

Crucially, he couldn’t rent out his bedroom or half of his bed to someone else, so if you weren’t living there, he wouldn’t be making that profit in the first place.

It’s absolutely fair for you to contribute financially to your living situation—putting that money into a joint fund for shared expenses makes sense. But charging you rent just to line his own pockets is both highly transactional and pretty exploitative. You are very vulnerable here.

If he wants you to pay rent you should be renting as a full tenant with all of the protections that entails, including your own actual room, storage etc and not acting as housemaid and cook into the bargain.

Tell him you'll pay £700 for the other room, or you're moving out. He can choose his relationship, or his mate if he's that keen for you to pay what he thinks you owe.

I’d be buying my own food and cooking my own food and washing my owns dishes , clothes . That’s it

infact another reason he wants everyone to eat together … he is penny pinching on electric /gas for cooking loads a day .
Thats just a side to getting a female
to do it for both men .

He's 35, I'm 31. I want to have kids soon he wants to wait to finish his studies.

Yesterday when we spoke about this he asked me if I ever thought about how unfair it was that he was bringing so much more (the flat) to the relationship than I was (no flat, family money etc).

Given bills are split three ways, saving on gas etc benefits them all. I suspect it's just nice for him and his mate not to do the thinking, shopping and cooking that makes meals appear from the Household Fairy, though.

Run.

This is horrible!!

He can fuck off and find an heiress if that is what matters to him.

And if he had to actually pay rent etc ever, he probably wouldn't be doing his umpteenth degree now, because he couldn't afford it.

How long have you been together?

Oh no, OP, he has no regard for you, and thinks you should be falling over your own feet with gratitude and to do his bidding. I've read the full thread as it's gone along, and he sounds like a massive headfuck. A lodger does not make a good relationship either, when you're the newbie moving in on an 'established' household. They've totally got you where they want you. Please leave, he's going to mess with your head and your life will be shite.

He has a PhD and works as a TA?