Should I pay my partner rent?

[isaisa123]

tl;dr: partner owns his property outright and wants me to pay him rent on top of bills etc.

I have recently moved in with my partner of 3 years. He owns his (2 bed) property outright: he bought it with money from a family trust set up for him when he was born. He rents out one bedroom to his friend for £700 / month. We share the other bedroom. He wants me to pay him £350 / month on top of all bills which are split equally three-ways. We also split the cost of any house repairs that need doing.

He says the arrangement will make us both richer -- as I will be paying less than market rent for a similar room.

When we first spoke about finances, before I moved in, he said that the money I saved in rent could be put towards making our lives 'bigger'. When discussing this recently, he said that this was still true, that the money I pay him can go towards his masters course fees for example, and that this will benefit us both long-term.

The amount is small, but I'm not sure how I feel about it in principle. Because he pays no rent or mortgage, I can't see why I should pay him rent. On the other hand I am benefitting hugely - the flat is lovely, we are making a home together, and I am able to save more money than if I were renting on the private market. On the other other hand I am very much sharing his room, and there is not much space in the flat for my things (they are currently in boxes in cupboards / storage)

I also end up doing most of the housework and I worry that if I am giving him money on top of that and on top of bills etc I will become resentful. I'm also not sure what his motivations are for asking me to give him money, since he doesn't really need it.

What do you think?

You know what, @isaisa123 - even if all his demands were reasonable, the way he he states these demands and his whole attitude stinks.

This is not the sort of man I'd consider a good prospect as a life partner and father of future children. He will always put his own needs first.

-He said that his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are

Dump him, he is horrible and he will get so much worse.

Please rethink this!

I don’t know OP, it’s your relationship but I feel like the “we’ll see” is really vague and puts you in a vulnerable position. What if he changes his mind overnight? Would he be able to ask you to move out with immediate effect?

I have the best solution,

Tell him you are charging him £87.50 a week for carrying out 5.8 hours of cleaning per week @ £15 p/h, which just happens to be £350 a month, which makes you quits.

Put the £350 you would have paid in rent into a SIPP or whatever pension account for yourself.

The fact is, as the only woman in the flat you are going to be doing the housework, whether you get paid for it or not, so you may as well get paid for it.

You may THINK that you can just do 1/3 and insist the boys do their share but they never will. It they were going to, they would have done so already but they don't, do they? Which is why you have fallen into doing it without even a discussion. You won't get them to do their share EVER. All that will happen is endless arguments every single goddamned day, endless excuses from them why they cannot or won't do their share, leading to arguments, domestic strife, upset and resentment until you just stop moaning and do it all for free.

Why not avoid all that misery and just charge for it?

Do not move in!!! We’ll see actually means he’ll wait until you are settled and then he’ll spring his rent demands, with the expectation that you’ll cave because it would be too much of a hassle to move out.

I already moved in! In December

"He also said that he thinks my jealousy is getting in the way of this good thing."

GAS GAS GAS!

-He said that his friend (the other lodger) offered to pay him rent and suggested the £700 / month amount, and that this shows the difference in the kind of people we are."

GAS!

Quick I can smell gas! Run!
Someone has turned on ALL the gaslights!! And is trying to convince you there is something wrong with your psychological state rather than the absolute bullshit they're trying to feed you.
Can't you smell that gas? Run!

"see how it went"

He's threatening you. That's a threat. Wow you have to leave immediately this wanker is acting like a mafiosa. He is NOT a partner. He is a manipulative .

Leave immediately. Block and never contact again. Don't even reply. Bring a male friend for protection to help move your stuff out.

Then he can pay for his own house repairs and do his own housework.

Reading your update he’s definitely turning DARVO.

You obviously posted on here because your gut was telling you something wasn’t right - listen to it! Him blaming your jealousy - of what exactly? - and comparing you to the lodger - who is presume isn’t sharing his bed or playing housemaid - is absolute bollocks.

This isn’t a good guy OP

He's profiteering nicely from you.
Seriously buy your own place, however small you'll have your own asset
He doesn't sound kind and caring to me.

@isaisa123 Yhos would be hillarious if it wasn’t so wrong.
The lodger pays £700 rent and 1/3’of bills
you have to pay a 1/3 of bills and £350 rent
share a room and clean up after him .
And the best part pay for repairs on his home you are both mad ( lodger ) to go along with this .
Not a chance .

Say nothing get some money together and rent a room elsewhere if need be but not with this robber. .

I would not be reassured by that.
" we'll see" sounds like he's kicking the can down the road
Get married before TTC at all costs

I think better advice is don't marry him or TTC with him......

This. He sounds like an absolute cock tbh, surely he can see the difference between a lodger paying £700 for a room, and you as his partner? And if he wants everyone to sit and eat together, how about he cooks sometimes? Honestly @isaisa123 you can do SO much better than this guy. He is not the one, and you deserve more.

Is he suggesting his lodger is a better kind of person than you?

Why don't you kindly suggest he sleep with his lodger, then leave.

💯

Your relationship hasn't really started properly and this is the kind of headache complicated problems you're having over money?

Run a mile, he will never look after you

My partner is insistent that he wants to live in a house in which we all eat together, so I end up doing much of the planning, shopping and cooking for them both.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

If he wants to do this...he should be shopping etc. Bit weird for the lodger, having to eat with a couple all the time.
Just comes across as controlling and using. It would be one thing if he was cooking and offered some to everyone...but to expect you to be cooking for everyone

Oh this guy is an idiot. He spent money on the past on the flat so now you must what... Pay him back for the historical expense? Why? You're not getting a FLAT out of it like he did are you!!

Don't like the sound of him one bit. Entitled and manipulative. Selfish.

This is bizarre.

When this situation is reversed and men aren't paying rent, MNers always say that the man is a cocklodger and should be kicked out!

1. MN is made up of thousands iupon thousands of posters and isn’t a homogenous viewpoint
2. Find an exact parallel where the woman owns the home out right, the man is paying towards bills and house repairs and doing most of the cleaning and cooking, and a lodger is already in the house too, then see what the answers were on that thread

And as previously stated - cocklodgers usually don’t pay onwards bills, expect to be fed for free and don’t lift a finger around the house.

I’ve yet to see a thread where a woman has no mortgage but wants her bloke to pay rent plus expects him to do all the cooking and cleaning so it’s not a comparison.

Well done OP.

what you want is important always remember that. Build your own savings and don’t get pregnant until married (perhaps to someone else!)

This. It’s early in your relationship and you have this asshole expecting you to cook and clean to meet his expectations of all eating together and he’s comparing you negatively to the lodger? Cook nothing tomorrow night, say I didn’t feel like it but you did say lodger is such a more amazing person than me so I’m sure amazing <lodger name> will cook. Actually you think you’re pretty fucking awesome too- how come you’re not awesome enough to cook everyone dinner?