The pressure has landed on me

[Livesinashoe7]

I'm in a situation where I've been letting someone stay who I have history with. They are down on their luck at the moment. It was sort of agreed that if my children are at their dad's (2 or 3 evenings a week) then I have space. But I work too so I may need them to go around 7am in the morning if I have my sons after work.

They were mainly supposed to be staying with their adult child and partner who lives approx 40 minutes away in a car from me. I hoped this would be a couple of weeks.

The first week he was with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He went over to theirs on the Monday until the Saturday. I said he could stay Saturday night until Monday morning. But on the Monday his daughter took forever to respond. So I had to let him stay another night. She then said she had family or friends over and put him off until the Wednesday. She then said she had friends from Friday for the weekend.

I said I had my children Saturday afternoon (yesterday) until Tuesday when they'll go to their dads for a night. So I said to arrange to go over with her. Again it took absolutely forever for them to communicate with. I had work yesterday morning so I said he could stay until lunch time but he needed to leave at 2 pm as the kids would be dropped off.

He left and then she messaged saying her friends are over for a week and there's no room for him.

For the next 4 hours he was sat in a park. Freezing. Nowhere to go. No money. It was Interupting my time with the children. Eventually I paid £90 for him to stay in a travelodge in the next town. He's paying me back Tuesday. Other than Tuesday and Wednesday I can't help. I have stuff to do. I'm really frustrated with his family. But its all going to start again today when he wakes up.

I need some advice

This is not your problem. Just say no. If you feel you want to text the daughter and tell her you have no more space for him and then tell him to go and present at the council as homeless. Stop giving money.

Sounds like you’ve got yourself into tough spot by being a nice person OP.

Has he called Shelter for advice?

Been to the Council?

You're being a mug. He will have told his family that he's living at yours now. I would tell him that he needs to register as homeless, so he needs to return your key and take himself to the council tout suite.

Are they actively doing anything to help themselves in this situation? If yes I’d say I will help as I have done for the next few weeks but then it will have to stop because it’s getting to much. If they’re not doing anything to help themselves send him to the council as homeless

Yeah he's phoned the council and they said the homeless support person would call him back. They never did. He's completed the online form. Awaiting some sort of response.
I genuinely can't afford to be paying for 4 or 5 nights in a hotel for him.

I just know he's going to Contact me this morning with no clue what to do. I presume he will have until 11am to be out there. He's got nowhere to go from there and It's not a nice feeling at all.

I don't want to put pressure on his daughter as she's distancing herself it seems. But I am feeling she's trying to leave me to help.

It's too cold for anyone to be outside all night and hunger etc on top of that is going to be unpleasant.

Will shelter do anything in terms of finding him somewhere tonight? It seems we've looked into things but they genuinely can't offer anywhere. It's mote advice on filling put forms with the council etc.

I don't wanna spend all my time one my one day off on my phone trying to find solutions. But he also doesn't have an android phone at the moment just a basic one.

He can go to the library and use computers there.

He hasn't told her anything of the sort. She knows he's trying to go stay with her because he's stuck. She knows I have my boys here and there's no space we've all been on the phone at the same time having a discussion.

Who is he to you exactly?
Your children are your ppriority OP.
Unfortunately these situations always are regretted.
Just because you are a woman it is not your job to fix it.
He is an adult.
He needs to help himself.
I am so over men expecting women to gix shit for them.
Put your children first.

He sounds like he has been really passive in what is an homelessness emergency situation.

He needs to physically go to a council office and sit there until he gets an answer.

Are there local homeless charities that he can go to for advice today?

He can spend days in the library where it is warm and there is a computer for job and house searching. From there, he can contact the council and shelter etc.

He really saw you coming, didn't he!

So knowing what you don't want to do, which is letting his problems suck the life out of you, you now need him to own his own problems.

what do you mean by down on his luck? Sounds like he doesn't have a source of income, well that isn't your problem and it definitely isn't about luck. It's about him finding work not sitting on a park bench feeling sorry for himself.

youve got enough on your plate, so tell him you cannot help anymore. Only then will he find a solution because you've cut loose and he will have no other option.

Then you tell him you cannot help any longer. He is not being proactive in sorting the situation for himself, only in getting different women to house him.

i actually cannot believe you have a homeless man sleeping in your children’s rooms.

your boundaries are poor. He isnt your problem

how did he end up homeless?

I understand your trying to tell me I'm.not responsible. I'm not. You are correct.

He's down on his luck because the company he worked for went bust. He did start up again but he had an operation in the summer and he's advised to not work at the moment. He has a rod in his back. Then this house situation has made stuff harder. He needs a house to sort himself out and settle then with communication from his doctor he will be advised further. He takes alot of tablets that don't really how driving etc too.

I agree he would be chasing more. But honestly I've seen this before with other people. Single males don't get housed easily. There's no properties available and many on the lists for council properties. It's not easy.

I private rent. Last year when I went house hunting. There were 31 properties to rent In my town. I needed a 3 bedroom. That took it down to 9 properties. 4 were out of my price range. I could only get a viewing on 2 of the houses. I wasn't accepted on one. The second accepted me because I paid 6 months rent upfront.

It's hard.

A homeless man? A human I've known for years. Who sleeps on my sofa. I won't have males in my house when my children are here because it's there space. But this is a human being. If you was sat in the street with nothing cold and alone with health issues. Would you like people to say you was a homeless person who shouldn't be allowed indoors.
He's not dirty or dangerous or on drugs. The housing situation is appalling and expensive and all going for one thing. There's no council flats available. It's a slow process. The council aren't rushing about.
It's called being compassionate and humane.

You're going to have to be tough with your boundaries. If you don't mind him staying when your DC aren't there, then he has to respect the times and days.

I'd be clear that you cannot do more, you are already doing enough and any pressure will result in you withdrawing all help.

He's also a homeless dad whose own daughter won't house him OP. And if she has kids he isn't just some man in the house he would be their grandad.

So he needs to stay there and work out his next steps with his family.

So I had to let him stay another night

No, you did not. You get to decide who lives in your house.

You can say, Brian, I'm not able to offer you accommodation any more but here's a number for Shelter, hopefully they'll be able to signpost you from here.

If you get any push back from him, or his family, you say, no I'm not going to be able to do that, sorry. The end.

I don't want to. That's reason enough not to do something. You're being treated like a pushover because you're behaving like one.

I agree with everything you say about compassion. But I also think you’ve done your bit. It can’t go on forever.

I’d also be concerned that if he’s sitting in front of the homeless officer and they ask ‘where have you been sleeping?’ and he says at yours, they will treat him as less priority. Caveat - I know nothing about how this works! But just be careful that you aren’t inadvertently making it less likely that he’ll be helped.

I’d step away. It maybe a difficult choice but put yourself and your kids first.
his daughter is putting her friends first and there must be a reason for that.

get your money back in Tuesday and then tell hi
you can no longer help him.
get your money first otherwise it’ll never appear.

you have to make him accept his reality. Stop picking his life up for him, he needs to do that.

You need to signpost him to Shelter and charities such as the Salvation Army that run hostels.

It's not sustainable for you to let him sofasurf with you, and they'd be better placed to help him with sorting something more longterm.

Also if you private rent, don’t do anything that could jeopardise your own place. A nosy neighbour telling the landlord you have another adult not on the tenancy ‘living there’ is not a problem you need.

There's a lot of naivety on this thread about what the Council or Shelter will do. He's not "priority need". It's very difficult for homeless men.

Yes, try the Council/Shelter/homeless charities, but they don't have spare accommodation sitting around. He would also be expected to pay for it with housing benefit.