The pressure has landed on me

[Livesinashoe7]

I'm in a situation where I've been letting someone stay who I have history with. They are down on their luck at the moment. It was sort of agreed that if my children are at their dad's (2 or 3 evenings a week) then I have space. But I work too so I may need them to go around 7am in the morning if I have my sons after work.

They were mainly supposed to be staying with their adult child and partner who lives approx 40 minutes away in a car from me. I hoped this would be a couple of weeks.

The first week he was with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He went over to theirs on the Monday until the Saturday. I said he could stay Saturday night until Monday morning. But on the Monday his daughter took forever to respond. So I had to let him stay another night. She then said she had family or friends over and put him off until the Wednesday. She then said she had friends from Friday for the weekend.

I said I had my children Saturday afternoon (yesterday) until Tuesday when they'll go to their dads for a night. So I said to arrange to go over with her. Again it took absolutely forever for them to communicate with. I had work yesterday morning so I said he could stay until lunch time but he needed to leave at 2 pm as the kids would be dropped off.

He left and then she messaged saying her friends are over for a week and there's no room for him.

For the next 4 hours he was sat in a park. Freezing. Nowhere to go. No money. It was Interupting my time with the children. Eventually I paid £90 for him to stay in a travelodge in the next town. He's paying me back Tuesday. Other than Tuesday and Wednesday I can't help. I have stuff to do. I'm really frustrated with his family. But its all going to start again today when he wakes up.

I need some advice

There's not a local library. They wouldn't have his dog in places like that anyway. Whilst I understand that you need to be proactive. You are making it sound so easy and simple. Imagine how hard it is. He has a dog to feed. What does he do when he needs basic human needs meeting. A cup of tea. A wash. To use a toilet. To get changed. We all know how we can feel exhausted or tired. Imagine being ready to go home because your energy tank is empty. But there isn't anywhere. I would not want to feel like that for a day. I'm lucky enough that I have parents etc. I know someone would help me. But some people don't have parents or siblings anymore.

I agree with you about being productive and stuff though. But it's not as simple as sitting I a library.

You really don't understand the system at all. They don't get housed easily. Women with children don't get housed easily anymore. Let alone a male who's not priority in comparison to a child.

Yes I think so. I've been sat with him some of the times they've spoken. There's a possibility after him being there 5 days straight she's had pressure from her partner?
I guess hes not contributed any food etc. So who knows. Maybe he's putting her off. Maybe she doesn't want it deep down and feels pressured. It does seem selfish of her to not even offer some sort of help to make a solution.

I've paid out £160 now over 2 days. It took her 8 hours to respond to him yesterday and she sent over £20. He has nowhere to go again tonight. I can have him Tuesday and Wednesday. But I want him to go again Thursday morning until Saturday afternoon.

I have work today from 7am until 4pm. So he will need to be up and out that room by 11am. He's got no plan. But I can't physically help today. I can't be finding solutions or on my phone. I need to stop pressuring myself though.

She lives in a city next to a university. She isn't at uni anymore. She's mid twenties. But she's still very sociciable and young. No kids. They genuinely do have various people to stay alot. She has friends allover and it was her birthday this week. So she's got friends down for the week. I think she said 3 people staying over. Sometimes her partners mum will travel down. Then her own mum and sisters. It's very common with her. But I do find she's being very minimal.

I don't know the answer but completely get where you are coming from. I can't imagine how uncomfortable this poor bloke is with recent back surgery. It sounds like he is a decent person who's down on his luck. So glad there are kind people like you around. Unfortunately, we don't live in a country where everyone in need gets help. I hope he gets back on his feet soon and is grateful to you.

I know his dd has her own dog and bird and guinea pigs. So she probably finds the dog a nightmare. I have a pet that can't come out much when they are here. Because my pet starts on the dog. So it does affect things. It's also cost an extra £20 a night paying for the dog to be in hotels!

It is so difficult. I was there when he phoned the homeless emergancy department. She took loads of information and said leave your phone on loud as someone will be calling you back. They never did. He sent his council form in over 10 days ago. No word.
He has no money. When he's not around me or his dd he has no access to a smart phone..he's got a basic phone for the time being.
He is in alot of pain. He takes pregablins and cocodomol and an anti depressant. He's walking miles to stay on hotels with a large bag.
That's the risk we run with private renting too isn't it. There's so few houses now. Even if you get a viewing you then get guarantor demands etc. I was so lucky that if I paid 6 months upfront (I was lucky to be in that position) I didn't need one. So I just save up each month and give 6 months rent at a time so he knows I'm going to pay.

I haven't RTFT but from your replies ...

It doesn't sound like he's helping himself much. I get that he's down on his luck and in pain, but he's also massively taking advantage of your kindness. I can see why his daughter has set boundaries.

The dog needs to be rehomed for a start and he needs to be in the library ever day badgering the authorities for help... contacting his MP/speaking to CAB/Shelter, whoever can give him support to move into a house share or whatever.

What about local churches/charities - has he asked them? I'm guessing not, it's easier to sponge off you and he sees you as a soft touch.

Where I live, the local libraries are also hubs for housing aid - it's much better to speak to someone face-to-face if he can. I don't know if it's the same where you live?

OP how old is he?
If he's 55 or older, he could potentially have a reasonable chance of getting social housing and then sofa surfing until then whilst not a great plan could be an option. There's more accommodation for that age group because it wasn't included in 'right to buy' so the stock wasn't sold off. He would need to be sure that he was eligible, eg nothing that would block him from accessing housing (such as previous rent arrears)
If he's younger than that, whilst it's worth trying the MP route, and looking at spare room and open rent, the sad reality is he'd likely need to re-home his dog if he wants to be housed. He's unlikely to be accepted for a whole property on his income and he wouldn't be able to take a dog into a houseshare HMO. There are some charities who will foster dogs for people while in temporary accommodation though that's usually when they're likely to succeed in getting their own property at the end of it.

It may also be worth looking if your local area has a list of warm spaces. Our small town still has some churches and charities that provide community lunches and spaces that people can just sit in and chat to avoid being outside, though again not usually ones that you could take a dog to. The only places I know that allow dogs tend to be those that are targeted at rough sleepers and they tend to be city centres.

I understand the pressure with it, I had a family member live mainly with us for a year and a half until he was able to get somewhere, he realistically had no chance of emergency housing help but did eventually get somewhere through bidding. He had a lot of issues and it was a struggle.

While I can understand that you don't want to see your friend out on the street, you're currently sacrificing too much of your personal space time and money. This can't continue.

If he were genuinely out on the streets with nowhere to go, as in you stopped letting him stay at yours completely, what would his DD do? Would she stop having so many guests to stay in order to accommodate her DF? If he were to rehome the dog, this would eliminate the issue of the dog being around her pets.

I do understand how tough the housing market is these days, and that it's only gets worse as landlords are now selling up in greater numbers.

Please start looking out for yourself a little more though, you've mentioned that you secured this property by paying six months rent at a time? That won't be allowed with new legislation coming in this summer/autumn.

Stop paying for hotels for him, that should be his or his DD's responsibility. While you do this, he has no incentive to sort himself out and the situation will keep going on.

💯 this.

you are taking money from your pocket and food out of your children’s mouths for an old fuck buddy.

he is not your responsibility- they are.

he’s an able bodied man, it’s not your job to parent him even if the council don’t immediately house him.

keeping a dog in these circumstances is irresponsible and selfish of him.

Was going to say the same thing. This guy is making excuse after excuse not to step up for himself and he is wasting resources you need for your kids and yourself. How much respect are your kids going to have for you if you prioritise this lame duck over them?

You’re dating a homeless man with no money. Enough said.

How much did you say he gets in benefits a month? Was it in the region of £900? If so, why is he not using that to pay for a hostel/cheap b&b?

Get on with it then. Unless you’re tough he will never get out of the situation
He knows he has to make you pity him so that he gets a free roof over his head and fed for a few days. It’s clear why his daughter has had enough.

I fully understand how difficult it is for him, and you're a beautiful human for caring about him and wanting to help. However, this is an almost impossible position for him to have put himself in by giving up his tennancy, and you do not have a solution for him.

If you had a spare room, you might be able to offer him a very precise short term stay until xx happens, during which time you need to see xx from him. It doesn't sound like you do, and without that end game in sight, he would be moving in with you indefinitely.

If this is something that you do not want, you need to allow yourself to not just let that happen and have needs of your own, and to prioritise them along with those of your children,.

Is his DD the only living family he has?

He is in dire straits so he can't dictate what he will and won't accept.
He can't keep the dog. If he is lucky someone will offer to look after it otherwise he will have to give it up. It's not fair on the dog to live like that.
He will have to accept that he can't afford to live in a nice house. If a room in a house share is all that's available then that's where he goes until he is back on his feet.
If the town where you live is too expensive then he has to go elsewhere.
I appreciate how torn you are feeling but unless you are willing to have him live with you permanently (for free) then what you are doing isn't working. He has to take the initiative. Go to the council, present as homeless, take what solution they offer (a hostel probably) and work to get himself back to where he wants to be.
He has to take responsibility but, right now, it sounds like he thinks you and his daughter should sort it out for him.

Whilst I don't think he's necessarily expecting the OP to fix this, I don't think he's facing up to the issue - it seems like he's burying his head in the sand and hoping something will come up. But in reality he's relying on favours without any end goal - he's not on waiting lists, he's not found a landlord with something coming up, he's just treading water. And I wonder if that's why his daughter won't help more, because she knows he doesn't have a plan and she'll be stuck with him? Let's face it at 25 you don't really expect to be housing a parent.

OP I think you're going to have to try and remind yourself that you can't fix this for him. It's understandable that you want to be kind and help, as he sounds like a decent enough guy, but you'd need to see some progress from him - looking for a foster for his dog, saving some money for a deposit, contacting landlords for house shares, or on the housing register with a decent banding and bidding for everything possible - otherwise these requests will be indefinite.

I agree with you entirely OP.

There’s a lot of heartless people on here.

Having said that, I’m sure a lot of them wouldn’t be able to turn a friend away to live on the streets either.

On his income he would be able to rent a small room somewhere, as a lodger. Has he looked into that?

Nobody wants a lodger with a dog though. He has to re-home the dog or at least get it fostered until he's back on his feet literally and financially.

He's a grown arse man and he's got 2 women running around for him, one of which is his child, who you seem to expect to take more responsibility for him than he's willing to take for himself. He needs to get a job, he doesn't have the luxury of not working.

If you want to sacrifice yourself for this grown adult who is doing nothing to help himself, go ahead, but stop expecting his daughter to do the same, he is not her responsibility, she is meant to be his.

Im sorry I don't have any wise words but what a difficult decision all round. Does he have any other family or friends that could help him out until he's back on his feet properly?

OP if he didn't have the dog what are his chances of getting a room as a lodger? He's probably going to have to have the dog fostered for a short time, sad though that is.

OP, you’ve been very kind. But your friend isn’t helping himself. If he’s not well enough to take care of himself and work, how is he able to take care of his pet? Dogs need regular exercise, food etc. He could possibly speak to his GP who might help him with the homelessness? I know some GPs have outreach services so he could try that. Is he planning to write a letter to his local MP and explain his situation? I have a feeling that he might not be able to keep his dog for a while and so might need to look into temporary accommodation. He may also need to consider that he might need to move to a different area for more housing options. It’s not really clear how much or little he can work and how long his recovery process is.