The pressure has landed on me

[Livesinashoe7]

I'm in a situation where I've been letting someone stay who I have history with. They are down on their luck at the moment. It was sort of agreed that if my children are at their dad's (2 or 3 evenings a week) then I have space. But I work too so I may need them to go around 7am in the morning if I have my sons after work.

They were mainly supposed to be staying with their adult child and partner who lives approx 40 minutes away in a car from me. I hoped this would be a couple of weeks.

The first week he was with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He went over to theirs on the Monday until the Saturday. I said he could stay Saturday night until Monday morning. But on the Monday his daughter took forever to respond. So I had to let him stay another night. She then said she had family or friends over and put him off until the Wednesday. She then said she had friends from Friday for the weekend.

I said I had my children Saturday afternoon (yesterday) until Tuesday when they'll go to their dads for a night. So I said to arrange to go over with her. Again it took absolutely forever for them to communicate with. I had work yesterday morning so I said he could stay until lunch time but he needed to leave at 2 pm as the kids would be dropped off.

He left and then she messaged saying her friends are over for a week and there's no room for him.

For the next 4 hours he was sat in a park. Freezing. Nowhere to go. No money. It was Interupting my time with the children. Eventually I paid £90 for him to stay in a travelodge in the next town. He's paying me back Tuesday. Other than Tuesday and Wednesday I can't help. I have stuff to do. I'm really frustrated with his family. But its all going to start again today when he wakes up.

I need some advice

I think if you weren't available his dd would be finding the space somehow. She knows you're available so she's not feeling too pushed to help him. I wouldn't have considered for a second my dad being out in the cold like this. He might need to consider a house share though, there must be some that aren't awful.

Beggars can't be choosers. A HMO is what it will have to be.

Try a room share or someone looking for a lodger.

Try an area where young professionals are.

Thank you for helping him but he needs to be proactive.

Single males do get housed easily.

Gullible women feel sorry for them and take them in. Don't be that woman.

I appreciate this doesnt help the OP, but in our area, single men and women can and do get left with no where to stay overnight, even if they've camped out at the housing office all day every day.

Single people are rarely a homeless priority and so don't qualify for emergency housing from the council, only advice and signposting. That advice and signposting doesn't have to result in accommodation at the end of it for the council to have met their homelessness prevention duty. In our area there are no shelters or direct access hostels or homeless accommodation run by charities. At most they'll put you on a waiting list to get a cheap room share with a dodgy landlord, and until then will offer to call people you know for you to try and negotiate you staying with them, or they'll offer you a one way coach or train ticket to either a place that you know and might have more chance of finding somewhere to crash, or a city that has hostels you can try. The hostels only take people who have proof of benefits and tend to be quite scary places (generally housing people who have entrenched homelessness, addiction and mental health issues). I've known people go to them and opt to ride night buses as a safer alternative.

It's a shit situation, it might not be this bad in every area but it really frustrates me when people say 'just go to the council'. The vast majority of people they council actually help are those with dependent children in their care. If you haven't got that, there's very little that they actually do.

Has he contacted Shelter, and any local homelessness charities? Maybe if you say which area you're in, people might be able to advise where he can contact?

And to add to what PPs have said, there's no chance I'd let my dad struggle with nowhere to stay - are you sure both you and her are getting the full/same story?

He's going to have to house share. And I don't believe that the DD has suddenly got a house continually full of a revolving collection of friends coming to stay - there's a reason she doesn't want him there. After all, if she were having friends over she would presumably still have a couch? And she won't let him even have that? Hmmm.

But he's just going to have to suck up sharing a house with people he doesn't much like. Even dealers and addicts can be perfectly reasonable people, as long as you lock your door. Once he's got somewhere to live he can start getting back on his feet.

Oh good God he's got a dog as well? OP, this problem will continue for as long as you let it. While you continue to house him, he won't be a priority for the council or any charity. He needs to present himself, in person, with his belongings in plastic bags. They will put him up somewhere, probably in a B&B, but if you keep providing him with a place to stay then they won't, because they don't have the funds to help anyone except the most desperate. It's not up to you or his 25-year-old DD to be housing him, regardless of whatever tales of woe he has. He is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for himself and stop sponging off kind-hearted women. But you're going to have to be tough to get him to take action, because right now, while your sofa is available to him, that's where he'll be.

And I don't believe that the DD has suddenly got a house continually full of a revolving collection of friends coming to stay

I suspect the fact that he smokes and his dog is, in the words of the OP, 'a massive inconvenience' are a big part of it. Plus, he's clearly not particularly proactive in helping himself (massive understatement!). So DD no doubt knows that if she lets him stay for a night she'll never get rid of him, which is how the OP has ended up where she is.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug OP. It's a really difficult balance between being nice and putting yourself out. You sound like a really lovely person in a difficult position. I don't think you should feel bad if you tell him that you've just had enough, because you can't do this indefinitely.

But he's making you responsible for facilitating his choices.

There are likely temporary solutions for the dog if he would take them. Why should your home and peace of mind be disrupted because he won't compromise?

And taking a house-share would be a temporary solution for him - I very much doubt every single HMO is full of dealers and addicts. If he doesn't like one, he can look for another. It's nobody's dream situation, but he's got to be realistic about his options. He can't just keep imposing himself on you.

What's the endgame here? He miraculously gets given a flat he can afford that allows dogs?

sorry to hear youre in this situation. Theres so many people sofa surfing. They are the hidden homeless. Its very sad. What about extended family? Mum/dad/aunty/uncles/mates? Does he only have one daughter?

i would get him to speak to Citizens Advice, to check his benefits and for general housing advice.

do you have a local homeless shelter in the area/wider area? I know my local one offers day units/emergency beds/soup kitchens/breakfasts to our community. Its worth looking into them for advice too.

id also present to the council. Even if they could put him in a b&b temporarily. Alternatively, bedsits, house shares- try spareroom.com, even mobile home parks

whats the deal with the dog? Is it untrained?

you have a good heart op, its a difficult situation you find yourself in x

@cheezncrackers the council don't give out b&b spaces to single people (male or female) with no housing priority! Unless there's something massive that the OP forgot to mention (like being diabetic and needing access to a fridge, or being on a community treatment other and needing to be accessible to the CMHT) he will only be entitled to 'advice and guidance'
That advice and guidance is usually - here's a list of landlords who might take people on a low income, and an offer to ring friends and family to see if they'll let you crash

Honestly while this doesn't make him the OPs responsibility it's infuriating that people seem to assume that all the homeless people are homeless just because they CBA to go to the council and ask for somewhere to stay!

@cheezncrackers the council don't give out b&b spaces to single people (male or female) with no housing priority!

He's on PIP, does that not give him any kind of priority?

What they said

Must be lovely to be utterly clueless to the shit shoe that is securing housing

The council won't help a single man.

Tell him to get on spare room op. Just get the cheapest room going then he can regroup from there.

@cheezncrackers seriously, housing law means that people can receive decision letters that state 'you told us that you have one leg amputated at the knee. As you have crutches and do not require ongoing treatment this does not mean you are more vulnerable than the average person'. It's called the Pereira test.
DLA or PIP doesn't mean someone is a priority. Depression or anxiety doesn't - it's assumed that if you're homeless you'll be depressed and/or anxious.

There are some very specific circumstances that adults without dependents would be considered priority. Having wounds that need daily dressing. Being diabetic and requiring access to a fridge for insulin. Needing to be in a specific area to access cancer treatment. Having dementia, significant learning disability or other condition that affects your capacity and means you're significantly vulnerable to being exploited.

I used to support rough sleepers to access long term housing, have been to many a homeless presentation assessment session. The law is extremely limited on what councils have to provide. Some will provide more support than others - eg in terms of helping people get into private rentals - but it is discretionary. Not all councils provide above that minimum.

Wow - well I stand corrected. I'm not particularly surprised that depression and anxiety don't count, because yeah, if you were homeless you'd almost certainly be depressed or anxious. But in receipt of DLA or PIP and, in this man's case, recovering from an operation, I'm shocked that that wouldn't help. But it does sound like he can afford a room in a shared house.

The nice person always gets taken advantage of. Just say it’s will not continue anymore and your sorry but you have have your own stuff to take care of. And mean it, and don’t feel bad

He can hang out in the local library during the days. It’s warm and he can read to entertain himself. He can also use the computers to write emails to the council and homelessness services whilst he’s there. He can also go online there and look for work. He can go to his local job centre and apply for jobs and also for benefits I believe. He can go to his local social services and speak to someone there about his situation. He needs to be taking action not just flitting about from sofa to sofa and sitting about in parks.

I would ask him to write to the MP and mention he is vulnerable and currently disabled as on pip and obviously homeless. They might help him. A friend of DH was in that situation and managed to get housed fairly quickly despite the shortage in housing.

How about something like a homeshare scheme - living rent free / much reduced with an elderly person in return for keeping company or light duties - https://homeshareuk.org/ ?

Absolutely understand. We are in a medium sized town. It's not a city. It's got 3 or 4 housing estates for normal working families. It has 2 council estates that alot of people have bought the council houses. There's still blocks of flats where they house single parents or young couples with babies. There's not that many of them and it's in a rough part of town. Then there's the really awful side streets around the town centre. This is where all the trouble happens. Drugs. Violence. Loads of Hmo. The council here genuinely don't help. I remember a woman I knew slept on her grandma's dining room floor for 8 months with 2 children waiting for a council house.

I work and private rent. I'm paying £925 a month for a small 3 bed bungalow. It really is small. It's £125 over what I wanted to pay in rent. But I did it so we could live in a safer area.

Thank you. I will suggest this to him.