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Original poster

The pressure has landed on me

133 replies

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 06:51

I'm in a situation where I've been letting someone stay who I have history with. They are down on their luck at the moment. It was sort of agreed that if my children are at their dad's (2 or 3 evenings a week) then I have space. But I work too so I may need them to go around 7am in the morning if I have my sons after work.

They were mainly supposed to be staying with their adult child and partner who lives approx 40 minutes away in a car from me. I hoped this would be a couple of weeks.

The first week he was with me Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He went over to theirs on the Monday until the Saturday. I said he could stay Saturday night until Monday morning. But on the Monday his daughter took forever to respond. So I had to let him stay another night. She then said she had family or friends over and put him off until the Wednesday. She then said she had friends from Friday for the weekend.

I said I had my children Saturday afternoon (yesterday) until Tuesday when they'll go to their dads for a night. So I said to arrange to go over with her. Again it took absolutely forever for them to communicate with. I had work yesterday morning so I said he could stay until lunch time but he needed to leave at 2 pm as the kids would be dropped off.

He left and then she messaged saying her friends are over for a week and there's no room for him.

For the next 4 hours he was sat in a park. Freezing. Nowhere to go. No money. It was Interupting my time with the children. Eventually I paid £90 for him to stay in a travelodge in the next town. He's paying me back Tuesday. Other than Tuesday and Wednesday I can't help. I have stuff to do. I'm really frustrated with his family. But its all going to start again today when he wakes up.

I need some advice

OP posts:
Bigsislookingforadvice · 02/03/2025 08:16

There is an emergency helpline for shelter and streetlink - you really need to get clear he cannot stay at all. If the council / charities get a whiff he's got somewhere espresso as a single male he'll not be helped.
Contact his daughter and see if she'll find tonight in a hotel - most services unfortunately are Mon to Friday

Diningtableornot · 02/03/2025 08:17

This tough OP. He’s desperate for a place to stay and hoping that between you and his dc he’ll have somewhere but neither of you has space or wants him. But sleeping rough in the winter is terrible.
In your position I would let him sleep at your place on condition that he gets a job-any job - to keep him out of the house during the day and that he lets you help him look for somewhere to stay and- a hostel of live in kitchen porter job or whatever.
Its not your responsibility but he’s a friend and a human being.

1apenny2apenny · 02/03/2025 08:25

The problem is he knows that you will cave and let him stay or sort something out for him so there is only a small amount of motivation to sort it himself, he may also find the alternatives unpalatable.

I understand you want to help but that help comes in the form of him taking responsibility supporting where needed. I agree with PP, he has a daughter, she should be his first port of call, not you. She is also using you here.

If he calls I would be categorically saying you're busy today, even a little lie saying your plans re the children have changed this week. Then ask him what he is doing to sort the situation. He needs to get himself to citizens advice, the council, a charity that can help/signpost.

Channellingsophistication · 02/03/2025 08:25

You have been so kind to this man, but he is not your problem and it’s not fair on you or your children to take on this responsibility.

I think it is the responsibility of the daughter to help more. Surely even if she was having friends over to stay, she would put them off in favour of supporting her homeless Dad, so she is clearly making excuses I think.

If me, I would call her and say I’ve done what I can for your dad, but I can’t do anymore. I have my children here. I have no more money to lend him and I can’t get into trouble for having someone else in my home when I rent. Then it is clear to her. She will have to step up.

Hooliewhat · 02/03/2025 08:32

He needs to rock up and register at a shelter. IME they are very good at getting new (1st time) homeless people a roof. This is to prevent them entering into a cycle. I have experience of a sofa surfer and everyone was fed up with hosting them (always had to quite brutally ask them to leave otherwise they just didn’t hear, (literally had to kick them out while they were stating that they had nowhere to go). It was an horrific position for each host. People were being kind and putting themselves out but person did not have means to rent place of their own. Even when others offered to club together a deposit for rent. Eventually the sofas ran out. Going to a homeless hostel is scary and humiliating so might want to take them there yourself on a night that you can have them if needed and wait in your car. Just in case they dont take them in. That night. IME my sofa surfer was taken in that night into a single room and within a week a permanent place (room in a shared accommodation) was offered. They also received support from a case worker to ensure they had means to keep off off the street/sofas , vouchers for mobile phone credit, food bank vouchers, CV writing and interview support and person has never looked back except to understand that they needed to be financially more secure. Being actually homeless at a shelter and no more sofa offers scared them.
Some homeless shelter are brilliant…and largely running by donations and volunteers.

spicemaiden · 02/03/2025 08:33

It seems this thread is full of people who have zero idea what it is like to be homeless in today's rental market.

Shelter - they'll just tell him to call the council.

Council - they'll tell him to go to the local shelter

Local shelter - costs money and is often full to over spilling.

A single man is lucky to get a corner on a shop doorstep.

SoScarletItWas · 02/03/2025 08:36

OurFlagMeansAfternoonTea · 02/03/2025 08:15

There's a lot of naivety on this thread about what the Council or Shelter will do. He's not "priority need". It's very difficult for homeless men.

Yes, try the Council/Shelter/homeless charities, but they don't have spare accommodation sitting around. He would also be expected to pay for it with housing benefit.

I wasn’t thinking he’d waltz into a council flat but more that he might get emergency accommodation (hostel or similar). OP has described the situation around council accommodation = flats and I agree she needs to stop seeing that as the only acceptable alternative to him being on her sofa or the streets.

Wilma55 · 02/03/2025 08:40

This might help in daytime
https://www.warmwelcome.uk/find-a-space

Hooliewhat · 02/03/2025 08:40

My example was a single man. I am sure experiences are different by location. I live in a city outside London.
He had sofa surfed for almost 2 years before the offers ran dry.

1apenny2apenny · 02/03/2025 08:46

I think people know that the council will bend over backwards to not help etc however my point is that it sounds as though he's going nothing to help himself. Perhaps something would happen if he tried! He needs to keep on turning up at the council offices, go to CAB, there may be local charities that can help. He must be getting some benefits and could get food bank food.

YesImawitch · 02/03/2025 08:48

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 07:53

I private rent. Last year when I went house hunting. There were 31 properties to rent In my town. I needed a 3 bedroom. That took it down to 9 properties. 4 were out of my price range. I could only get a viewing on 2 of the houses. I wasn't accepted on one. The second accepted me because I paid 6 months rent upfront.

It's hard.

Show quote history

It's not your " hard" though, it's his and while you are stressed he isn't.
That's how these men operate, they have everyone else running around after them so they don't have to.
Regarding housing, if he has presented himself as homeless will be assigned a Housing officer, they have to send him a Housing Plan with the date he was accepted
By putting him up you are delaying this.
If he presents a homeless they will find him a room.

DorothyStorm · 02/03/2025 08:51

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 07:57

A homeless man? A human I've known for years. Who sleeps on my sofa. I won't have males in my house when my children are here because it's there space. But this is a human being. If you was sat in the street with nothing cold and alone with health issues. Would you like people to say you was a homeless person who shouldn't be allowed indoors.
He's not dirty or dangerous or on drugs. The housing situation is appalling and expensive and all going for one thing. There's no council flats available. It's a slow process. The council aren't rushing about.
It's called being compassionate and humane.

Show quote history

It is not compassionate and humane to allow a man to not help himself. It is enabling.

category12 · 02/03/2025 08:52

spicemaiden · 02/03/2025 08:33

It seems this thread is full of people who have zero idea what it is like to be homeless in today's rental market.

Shelter - they'll just tell him to call the council.

Council - they'll tell him to go to the local shelter

Local shelter - costs money and is often full to over spilling.

A single man is lucky to get a corner on a shop doorstep.

That's not particularly constructive tho. If he's not trying these avenues, he definitely won't get help or into emergency accommodation.

He'll continue to use OP as a safety net.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/03/2025 08:53

@Livesinashoe7 where did he sleep before his operation?? the council would have assisted him to keep his home, it certainly isnt your responsibility to give him a bed even though sofa surfing with a rod in his back is not good for him. if he had a house, why did he give it up?

DorothyStorm · 02/03/2025 08:54

Hooliewhat · 02/03/2025 08:32

He needs to rock up and register at a shelter. IME they are very good at getting new (1st time) homeless people a roof. This is to prevent them entering into a cycle. I have experience of a sofa surfer and everyone was fed up with hosting them (always had to quite brutally ask them to leave otherwise they just didn’t hear, (literally had to kick them out while they were stating that they had nowhere to go). It was an horrific position for each host. People were being kind and putting themselves out but person did not have means to rent place of their own. Even when others offered to club together a deposit for rent. Eventually the sofas ran out. Going to a homeless hostel is scary and humiliating so might want to take them there yourself on a night that you can have them if needed and wait in your car. Just in case they dont take them in. That night. IME my sofa surfer was taken in that night into a single room and within a week a permanent place (room in a shared accommodation) was offered. They also received support from a case worker to ensure they had means to keep off off the street/sofas , vouchers for mobile phone credit, food bank vouchers, CV writing and interview support and person has never looked back except to understand that they needed to be financially more secure. Being actually homeless at a shelter and no more sofa offers scared them.
Some homeless shelter are brilliant…and largely running by donations and volunteers.

Edited

The council where i live clearly and regularly states they can house all the homeless. If they are living on the streets, that is a choice of lifestyle.

@Livesinashoe7 How much and in what ways does be contribute when he is staying with you?

daisychain01 · 02/03/2025 08:55

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 07:53

I private rent. Last year when I went house hunting. There were 31 properties to rent In my town. I needed a 3 bedroom. That took it down to 9 properties. 4 were out of my price range. I could only get a viewing on 2 of the houses. I wasn't accepted on one. The second accepted me because I paid 6 months rent upfront.

It's hard.

Show quote history

You've asked for advice.

my advice is that you cannot rescue this man. He has just as much chance of getting a job as you or the next person. He needs to become solvent by getting a job and getting his life back on track,

only you can decide if you've got the bandwidth to take on all his mental load on his behalf, while you've already said you have children and a job to hold down.

if he has been in the military, there is specific help available.

mylovelyboycat · 02/03/2025 09:00

He definitely needs to get to the local council office in person. Of course they won't offer him a permanent council home immediately, but they will make him aware of his options and the ways that they can help. The council don't want people to be homeless on the street and have a legal duty to offer advice at least ......they can't offer everyone perfect solutions due to lack of resources.

The council may offer him a place in a hostel, b&b or shared house. Or they might loan/give him the money for the deposit and first months rent on a private rental....and possibly help him to find one. They could possibly class him as in priority need due to his health issues. They will probably help him apply for unemployment benefits, or signpost to someone who can help.

I guess it is overwhelming for him being in this situation and not knowing where to start with sorting things out. It might feel easier for him to bury his head in the sand. But, if you can tell him to take this one simple step of going to the council office, even if they can't/won't offer him direct help with a home, they will make him aware of what his options are, and what he needs to do next. He doesn't need to end up sleeping on the streets.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 02/03/2025 09:01

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 07:57

A homeless man? A human I've known for years. Who sleeps on my sofa. I won't have males in my house when my children are here because it's there space. But this is a human being. If you was sat in the street with nothing cold and alone with health issues. Would you like people to say you was a homeless person who shouldn't be allowed indoors.
He's not dirty or dangerous or on drugs. The housing situation is appalling and expensive and all going for one thing. There's no council flats available. It's a slow process. The council aren't rushing about.
It's called being compassionate and humane.

Show quote history

Where did he live previously?

When he stopped work, did he apply for all the benefits to which he was entitled? If so, where’s the money?

Does he literally have no friends, family or acquaintances apart from you and his daughter?

Why are you assuming that if you ask him to leave, his daughter won’t have him? If this woman would leave her father homeless on the street, then why is that?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:15

He can also contact the Salvation Army; they could be very helpful to him.

Where did he live previously before he rocked up at yours?.
His daughter's likely had enough of him (and his false promises to be better/change blah blah blah) so now he has looked to you. And I'd also be very surprised if you see any money from him going forward too.

What you are doing currently is enabling him and that does not help you or him either. It just gives you a false sense of control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2025 09:23

"I'm in a situation where I've been letting someone stay who I have history with"

Is he an ex bf?.

You will now have to extricate yourself from this situation which is of your making. Ask yourself honestly why you have done what you did here; do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies as well because if you do these need to be reined in severely. He's a person not a or your project and he has already taken up more than enough of your own time and money. The Bank of Shoe now needs to be closed.

DaringlyDizzy · 02/03/2025 09:26

Livesinashoe7 · 02/03/2025 07:57

A homeless man? A human I've known for years. Who sleeps on my sofa. I won't have males in my house when my children are here because it's there space. But this is a human being. If you was sat in the street with nothing cold and alone with health issues. Would you like people to say you was a homeless person who shouldn't be allowed indoors.
He's not dirty or dangerous or on drugs. The housing situation is appalling and expensive and all going for one thing. There's no council flats available. It's a slow process. The council aren't rushing about.
It's called being compassionate and humane.

Show quote history

I have no advice but some of the comments on here baffle me. You are being a nice, decent, normal human being. Well done. What a wonderful friend

MN is such a selfish place these days. People are all me me me under the guise of boundaries. No one wants to be uncomfortable to help others anymore

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/03/2025 09:27

He is a functioning adult, not your problem.
He needs to apply for PIP if his condition is such that he cannot work. Universal credit too.
He won't get a place while sofa surfing. He actually needs to BE homeless.
You run the risk of having a pet cocklodger.

YesImawitch · 02/03/2025 09:30

DaringlyDizzy · 02/03/2025 09:26

I have no advice but some of the comments on here baffle me. You are being a nice, decent, normal human being. Well done. What a wonderful friend

MN is such a selfish place these days. People are all me me me under the guise of boundaries. No one wants to be uncomfortable to help others anymore

Show quote history

Give over!
The man's own daughter does not want him in the house with her DC
Why?
There is always far more to this and Op herself feels stressed by it now.
There comes a time when people have to stand on their own 2 feet.
As others have said he won't be a priority for Housing if Housing know he is staying with friends.
For me personally my own safety and that of my children comes first.
I do not have males in my house.FULL STOP

DaringlyDizzy · 02/03/2025 09:33

YesImawitch · 02/03/2025 09:30

Give over!
The man's own daughter does not want him in the house with her DC
Why?
There is always far more to this and Op herself feels stressed by it now.
There comes a time when people have to stand on their own 2 feet.
As others have said he won't be a priority for Housing if Housing know he is staying with friends.
For me personally my own safety and that of my children comes first.
I do not have males in my house.FULL STOP

Show quote history

Heaven forbid that if his own kids wont help, why should we!!!

Yes OP feels stressed and should end the situation. I never said otherwise. I was referring, as I stated, to comments she never should have helped. I thinks shes been brilliant and done her fair share. My comment wasnt aimed at her

Like it is DECENT and NICE to be a little stressed/uncomfortable/put out for the greater good.

What a selfish nation we are now

DorothyStorm · 02/03/2025 09:34

DaringlyDizzy · 02/03/2025 09:26

I have no advice but some of the comments on here baffle me. You are being a nice, decent, normal human being. Well done. What a wonderful friend

MN is such a selfish place these days. People are all me me me under the guise of boundaries. No one wants to be uncomfortable to help others anymore

Show quote history

How is allowing a man to continually sofa surf rather, rather than him presenting as homeless to the council, claiming pip for his disability more helpful?

having him a sofa isnt a selfless act from the op. It is helping this man in no way at all beyond the next few hours and is actually preventing him from getting help from places that can actually help.

his other places have realised he needs to help himself. If op keeps giving him a sofa for a few hours rather than going along with his family, she is quite literally damaging his chances of improving his life.

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