Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

I think I was being generous with his 2% 😂

Urgh what an abhorrent prick he is

I played the long game OP and actually took comfort in the knowledge that the end was near. It helped me to stay strong and take note of all the reasons why I couldn't see a future with him. When the D day came, it was well planned and there was nothing that he could defend himself with, he actually stitched himself up in the end and no defense for his bad behaviour and attitude. It is true what they say, women by the time they make the decision to end a relationship seem to be cold and calm. That is because they have checked out a long time before they deliver the news that they want out. It doesn't make it any easier, especially when children are involved but you know what you have to do. Get all your ducks in a row first. My ex made all the financial decisions (despite me being the breadwinner for 11+ years) so he tried to manipulate me 2 hours after he was begging me to give him another chance by telling ME what I was entitled to. I had already sought financial advice so knew he was talking out of his backside... but I coolly told him I would seek my own financial advice. I recorded nearly all of our conversations, made an excuse to leave the room and press record so I could remember what was said, and replay to myself when I was calmer. Good luck OP.

@Jessa85

Re him not wanting 50/50. They often request it as part of the divorce because it means they don't have to pay CM. In actuality, they start out having the DC 'their' 50% then gradually dwindle down to what they really want, or none at all. Or if there are willing relatives, the DC end up with them for the majority of 'his' 50%. Whether he'd actually get 50/50 would be up to the courts, but don't be surprised if he pushes for it/

I'm sure CM can be 'revisited' as his days drop off, but that's something to ask a solicitor about 'for future reference'.

OP, mention a forensic accountant to your solicitor.
It could be money well spent.
You have been abused and financially controlled by him which is a crime.

Look up Coercive control and see how many boxes you can tick.

More and more women are reporting it.
It is widespread among the population.

Police stations are becoming very used to women walking in and asking for advice about it.

It's a serious crime.
Stay strong and remember this is a very abusive man whom has committed crimes against you.

Men find this a huge shock when faced with the reality of a report made to the police about what they see as their right in the family home.

The more information you gather, the better.

It is happening in all socio economic groups...bad controlling men everywhere.

OP, ask your solicitor about Coercive control crime and can it be used as leverage in your negotiations for a divorce.

Similar to @FizzPlease comment. Now ex h was in charge of all money and investments. I got housekeeping. It never went up from when I had my youngest child he was 18 when we split. Over time it was me that had less as obviously money that long ago doesn't buy the same now. I divorced him. I'm buying a house outright, he can't afford to. I will have enough money for my needs and maybe even treats too until my pension kicks in. He will be wealthier when his parent dies but I have the children, mortgage free home near all my friends (I'm going home) and no longer have to be with such a pathetic specimen. You'll be fine @Jessa85 .

Btw you both have to fill in a form E which you have to tell the truth on and produce bank statements so he can't wriggle out of it.

I forgot to say on my last post, ex did all the investing. Lost nearly 500k. Greedy twat.

OP - this is a useful podcast if you anticipate difficult behaviour. Covers financial information as well as other ways to prepare for the divorce process: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/narcissists-in-divorce-the-narcissist-trap/id1550583023?i=1000670642662

I met with a solicitor this morning and went through everything, I was well prepared so thank you for all the advice given here.

I went through what I believe are husbands financials (if he's not lying to me) and he will review the necessity for a forensic accountant. I've been given a lot of information so feel a little overwhelmed right now but also know I'm doing the right thing.

My grandfather is going to help me with solicitor fees which is also a relief.

Hopefully I can get an idea of my mortgage affordability tomorrow and then I think its full steam ahead... no point dragging my heels!!

Well done @Jessa85 !

Did you take plenty of notes from the meeting? Maybe sit down and review them while it's still fresh to help you process it.

Good luck tomorrow - you're doing amazingly well even if it's feeling a bit overwhelming.

I hope you've got a delicious creamy dinner planned for this evening to celebrate your progress 😉

You've been really smart here OP, and I wish you a much improved life where you can cook and eat whatever you want.

And first bump to Grandpa for helping fund your soliciter. Fins up!

Wow What a great update.

How do you feel now @Jessa85 ?

Well done Jessa85 - first step to freedom! The only advice I would give is to be a bit careful with accepting funds from parents/relatives etc. as you don't want to reveal any other sources of income. Solicitors costs should come from your own funds (and effectively reducing those available to your H in the event of an split of assets). Unless you don't want him to see statements - which will probably have to be provided anyway - I would be mindful of this.

Well done @Jessa85 - you are certainly very good at getting things done!! I’m so impressed.
Once you have the bank and solicitor info - have you thought through general logistics? Will you ask him to move out? Will
you move into a spare room?
I’m not sure what the best plan of action is if you’re in the same house and you can’t easily walk out. Good to maybe think through some scenarios?
I divorced once I was separated and I left as I had no kids and needed to get away from him. In a sense much more straightforward.
assuming he’s safe and won’t get aggressive?
Also have you thought through how you will behave if he totally breaks down and begs you. My ex H was totally lying prostrate on the street crying - when I left - I was so so shocked as he’s barely touched me for years and I genuinely thought he wouldn’t care. I still left though and glad I did X

I did yes, I’ve spent most of the day reviewing them and feeling OK about it all.

Dinner tonight is beef tacos… per my big girls request ❤️

I’m feeling OK, ready to go 😂

My grandfather said to just pass him the invoices, he wants to take one stress away from me. So if there is no money transfer to my account, do you think it will be OK? All of my money is tied up in joint accounts

Once my mind is set on something I’m pretty on it 😂

I’m going to ask him to move out, if he wants to stay we do have a spare room. He actually has a business trip planned next week so that will help. I really just want to tell him and get it over with. I do not think he will act aggressively but I feel he will be surprised. I planned to ask my mum to have the girls on Friday night so it gives me and him some time to chat.

I would be very surprised if he begs, he is a cold person at times and thats the initial reaction I am expecting.

That's such a lovely gesture from your grandfather it certainly takes the financial worry away. I am by no means an expert but if you go down the forensic accounting route in the future - or even when completing the D81 and/or Form E which discloses accounts & assets to divorce applications - then the question will be asked how you have paid for legal bills. Maybe for the initial consultations if you don't want your H to know yet but further down the line, definitely make the payments visible on any statements in your name or joint. My Parents wanted to help me but I was reluctant until the process was finalised. He could argue that you have available funds for all your bills, which could run into thousands so why should he get to use joint funds and you wouldn't, thus reducing your joint assets.

Is there anyway you can pay via joint accounts before he knows, so that you can deplete the funds which will be split, and get your grandads help only once you e split?

I would be surprised if the solicitor would allow your grandad to pay your invoices directly. It goes against money laundering/solicitor account regulations, and would need a fair amount of paperwork/ID from your grandad to resolve.

Good point. I am guessing he would have to sign something to the effect of it being a gift, as in if you get additional funds gifted during for house purchase. which isnt illegal but have to go through the channels to prove the source of legitimate funds.

He has notifications on for both the joint acc and savings so if I take any money out or make a transaction using my card he will be notified

Remember to get details of his pensions. They might be more valuable than home equity.