Page 8 | Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

Jessa85 · 2025-02-28T12:17:47+00:00

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday! I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5283554-husbands-food-preferences-driving-me-crazy?page=19&reply=142513765 Original thread]]

Original poster

Jessa85 · 04/03/2025 15:31

HDready · 04/03/2025 15:10

I would be surprised if the solicitor would allow your grandad to pay your invoices directly. It goes against money laundering/solicitor account regulations, and would need a fair amount of paperwork/ID from your grandad to resolve.

Yes its a good point and I didn’t ask the solicitor because my grandfather offered after I’d had my appointment.

So do I need to wait until my next payday once my contributions to the joint accounts have lessened before I can do anything else? 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Jessa85 · 04/03/2025 15:36

Semiramide · 04/03/2025 15:29

Remember to get details of his pensions. They might be more valuable than home equity.

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I’m useless with pensions but I know he has a decent one, just not sure how to get exact info without asking him but maybe that is something a forensic accountant can help with if necessary

OP posts:

GrumpyInsomniac · 04/03/2025 15:38

Jessa85 · 04/03/2025 15:31

Yes its a good point and I didn’t ask the solicitor because my grandfather offered after I’d had my appointment.

So do I need to wait until my next payday once my contributions to the joint accounts have lessened before I can do anything else? 😢

Show quote history

Just set up a new account in your own name with Monzo or Starling or Revolut, and if need be your grandfather can transfer money there for you to pay the solicitor’s invoices. That way your husband won’t see that expenditure.

FizzPlease · 04/03/2025 15:40

I think it is just a case of a signed "I gave her a gift" from your Grandad. The solicitor will word something and ask him to sign. It is just to tick the money laundering checks. (we had to do the same with my son's flat deposit recently and I think it is along the same lines). I think that would be better than dropping your guard prematurely or delaying action.

It is likely the solicitor will bill you later on, and you may be able to pay from joint accounts at that point (after you have told your husband), but for now, if you need to lean on your Grandad's money - just ask the solicitor to draft a letter for him to sign to keep everything transparent. It is understandable that you would do this at this stage and as long as it is relayed to the solicitor, I think that should be fine.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/03/2025 15:44

IIRC solititors charge upfront for the first apppintmemt, but after that I got an invoice afterward to paid within 30 days.

Original poster

Jessa85 · 04/03/2025 15:49

Thanks @GrumpyInsomniac and @FizzPlease I will call the solicitor tomorrow and ask whats best.

@arethereanyleftatall thankfully they have given me 2 weeks to pay after my first app.

OP posts:

whatapalarva · 04/03/2025 15:55

GrumpyInsomniac · 04/03/2025 15:38

Just set up a new account in your own name with Monzo or Starling or Revolut, and if need be your grandfather can transfer money there for you to pay the solicitor’s invoices. That way your husband won’t see that expenditure.

Show quote history

It depends how far back the statements you may need to provide are required for. Any payments into an unknown account will be picked up as you need to pay a nominal amount in to set up an account I believe. it works both ways though so if the H has paid into unknown accounts, it will get found out.

SofaSpuds · 04/03/2025 16:25

You're doing great @Jessa85 👏
So level headed!

Can you pay solicitor by credit card and your grandad pay that off?

sammyspoon · 04/03/2025 16:30

So is he managing to cook his own meals @Jessa85 ?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2025 16:30

@Jessa85

One thing to be careful of is 'adding' or 'subtracting' money that's in your name/joint accounts. This is where Grandad giving you the money to pay the legal fees may present a problem. Best bet is to consult the solicitor. Perhaps Grandad will need to frame this as a gift or a loan. IANAL, but I don't see your grandad paying your legal fees would present a problem if he's not directly handing you money. I'm sure relatives (parents, etc) pay legal bills all the time for those who can't afford them. I'd ask the solicitor if you should have them send the bill directly to Grandad though. Cut out the middle man (you).

My (high earner) son is going through a nasty divorce and was cautioned that, up to the agreement on finances, anything he receives can be considered 'marital funds' and anything 'pricy' he buys can be considered as a joint asset for division of property or she can potentially claim half the purchase price in the settlement. For example, she took their car. His attorney told him not to buy a new one until after the settlement is signed because she can potentially demand the car or 1/2 the value in money in the settlement, even though she already has their car. He was cautioned also against even buying us expensive Xmas gifts lest she claim that he's trying to 'deprive' her of marital money. So just be wary of money going into or out of accounts in your name. But the same goes for monitoring HIS spending. Keep an eye on things and make copies of any unusual or large purchases or expenditures.

Our STBXDiL cheated on our son then begged forgiveness. We loved her and never thought of her as nasty or vindictive. But once she realized he wouldn't take her back, all hell has broken loose. I guess what I'm saying is do not trust or underestimate your STBXH. Either in hiding money or in demanding money from you.

As far as pension/assets, he will be required (under penalty of perjury) to complete a financial statement. At that point you can review it with your solicitor to determine if he's disclosed ALL pensions and/or investments/assets. This is why you may want to quietly start digging for & compiling information now. Former employers, financial institutions, investment firms etc. Copies of his tax returns. All may be leads to assets. Forensic accountants are very expensive, the more information you can provide them, the less they will cost you.

Play your cards close to your vest for now and IMHO do not tell him about the divorce until you have the paperwork ready to serve. To tell him now will give him time to start hiding things or to 'get in there first' with filing. The one who files as a rule is the one who controls the time line.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint. Prepare accordingly. And best wishes!!

FizzPlease · 04/03/2025 16:41

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2025 16:30

@Jessa85

One thing to be careful of is 'adding' or 'subtracting' money that's in your name/joint accounts. This is where Grandad giving you the money to pay the legal fees may present a problem. Best bet is to consult the solicitor. Perhaps Grandad will need to frame this as a gift or a loan. IANAL, but I don't see your grandad paying your legal fees would present a problem if he's not directly handing you money. I'm sure relatives (parents, etc) pay legal bills all the time for those who can't afford them. I'd ask the solicitor if you should have them send the bill directly to Grandad though. Cut out the middle man (you).

My (high earner) son is going through a nasty divorce and was cautioned that, up to the agreement on finances, anything he receives can be considered 'marital funds' and anything 'pricy' he buys can be considered as a joint asset for division of property or she can potentially claim half the purchase price in the settlement. For example, she took their car. His attorney told him not to buy a new one until after the settlement is signed because she can potentially demand the car or 1/2 the value in money in the settlement, even though she already has their car. He was cautioned also against even buying us expensive Xmas gifts lest she claim that he's trying to 'deprive' her of marital money. So just be wary of money going into or out of accounts in your name. But the same goes for monitoring HIS spending. Keep an eye on things and make copies of any unusual or large purchases or expenditures.

Our STBXDiL cheated on our son then begged forgiveness. We loved her and never thought of her as nasty or vindictive. But once she realized he wouldn't take her back, all hell has broken loose. I guess what I'm saying is do not trust or underestimate your STBXH. Either in hiding money or in demanding money from you.

As far as pension/assets, he will be required (under penalty of perjury) to complete a financial statement. At that point you can review it with your solicitor to determine if he's disclosed ALL pensions and/or investments/assets. This is why you may want to quietly start digging for & compiling information now. Former employers, financial institutions, investment firms etc. Copies of his tax returns. All may be leads to assets. Forensic accountants are very expensive, the more information you can provide them, the less they will cost you.

Play your cards close to your vest for now and IMHO do not tell him about the divorce until you have the paperwork ready to serve. To tell him now will give him time to start hiding things or to 'get in there first' with filing. The one who files as a rule is the one who controls the time line.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint. Prepare accordingly. And best wishes!!

Fantastic advice.

Play the long game and act as normal as you can. It's a means to an end.

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/03/2025 16:49

My friend had her legal fees paid by her parents and was advised that it should be in the form of a loan that would be paid back out of any settlement made. Dont know the details but it may be something that you can do.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 04/03/2025 16:59

Op you're doing brilliantly. One thing I'd suggest is opening a bank account in your name only if you don't already have one, and on the day you tell him transfer half of all the joint funds into that account. Otherwise he could remove your access to it. Yes it would be accounted for in the settlement, but you wouldn't have it when you need it.

Hayley1256 · 04/03/2025 16:59

My mum paid some of my solicitor fees directly and it was fine. My EXH parents paid all of his fees directly without any problems too.

Daftapath · 04/03/2025 17:04

Well done op!

I second ... third ... fourth? Advice to be wary about your grandfather paying your legal fees.

Definitely discuss this with your solicitor. A loan would probably be best as that would reduce your assets and give you more of the marital pot. Your H may also be able to argue that you should have a smaller %age share as your grandfather can support you. It is up to you and your grandfather if you then need to repay the loan once the financial order is agreed and the divorce is finalised.

Also make sure that you get a clean break so any money you have in the future remains yours!

Cakeandusername · 04/03/2025 18:09

Jessa85 · 04/03/2025 15:36

I’m useless with pensions but I know he has a decent one, just not sure how to get exact info without asking him but maybe that is something a forensic accountant can help with if necessary

Show quote history

If he works for a big employer you might be able to find details online or from his contract/paperwork if you have a dig around.
Decent pensions can be worth a fortune.

0ctavia · 04/03/2025 23:28

Re his pension - your H will need to get a CETV from his pension provider.

Codlingmoths · 05/03/2025 07:17

Can you withdraw some cash that you say is for eg boots you’ve bought second hand from someone local? Then deposit that in a new account - can you open new accounts with cash? Then your grandpa can transfer to that and put the reference ‘loan to cover legal fees’

Original poster

Jessa85 · 05/03/2025 10:51

I've contacted my solicitor about the loan from my grandfather. There's no way of me removing the money I would need for the joint account without him knowing. We only put into that account the amount to cover the bills, food, girls clubs etc... so there is rarely anything left in there. Previously I had no disposable income, since posting here last week I have changed my contributions to our joint account as has husband... but that doesn't help me for a month.

I don't have a credit card because my husband told me I didn't need one and he wanted to make sure he had sight of the finances... of course he has a credit card so now I see this was just another manipulation tactic and I didn't realise because I trusted him. Should I apply for one now?

My meeting with the mortgage advisor went well, she went through all my finances with me and told me how much they would consider lending based on my earnings. Of course this will be different once the divorce is finalised but I wanted to understand my position right now.

On another surprising note, Husband is off to the UAE next week for a business trip and told me last night he has been offered a job there (a side step within his company) I'm not sure if him taking that job would help my situation or not 😓

OP posts:

Original poster

Jessa85 · 05/03/2025 10:53

sammyspoon · 04/03/2025 16:30

So is he managing to cook his own meals @Jessa85 ?

He has. I've told him if I'm cooking something he would eat then I'll cook him a portion. Otherwise he is on his own.

I got the girls a blackboard and we've been meal planning on there, so he can also see what is planned for the week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jessa85 · 05/03/2025 10:55

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2025 16:30

@Jessa85

One thing to be careful of is 'adding' or 'subtracting' money that's in your name/joint accounts. This is where Grandad giving you the money to pay the legal fees may present a problem. Best bet is to consult the solicitor. Perhaps Grandad will need to frame this as a gift or a loan. IANAL, but I don't see your grandad paying your legal fees would present a problem if he's not directly handing you money. I'm sure relatives (parents, etc) pay legal bills all the time for those who can't afford them. I'd ask the solicitor if you should have them send the bill directly to Grandad though. Cut out the middle man (you).

My (high earner) son is going through a nasty divorce and was cautioned that, up to the agreement on finances, anything he receives can be considered 'marital funds' and anything 'pricy' he buys can be considered as a joint asset for division of property or she can potentially claim half the purchase price in the settlement. For example, she took their car. His attorney told him not to buy a new one until after the settlement is signed because she can potentially demand the car or 1/2 the value in money in the settlement, even though she already has their car. He was cautioned also against even buying us expensive Xmas gifts lest she claim that he's trying to 'deprive' her of marital money. So just be wary of money going into or out of accounts in your name. But the same goes for monitoring HIS spending. Keep an eye on things and make copies of any unusual or large purchases or expenditures.

Our STBXDiL cheated on our son then begged forgiveness. We loved her and never thought of her as nasty or vindictive. But once she realized he wouldn't take her back, all hell has broken loose. I guess what I'm saying is do not trust or underestimate your STBXH. Either in hiding money or in demanding money from you.

As far as pension/assets, he will be required (under penalty of perjury) to complete a financial statement. At that point you can review it with your solicitor to determine if he's disclosed ALL pensions and/or investments/assets. This is why you may want to quietly start digging for & compiling information now. Former employers, financial institutions, investment firms etc. Copies of his tax returns. All may be leads to assets. Forensic accountants are very expensive, the more information you can provide them, the less they will cost you.

Play your cards close to your vest for now and IMHO do not tell him about the divorce until you have the paperwork ready to serve. To tell him now will give him time to start hiding things or to 'get in there first' with filing. The one who files as a rule is the one who controls the time line.

This will be a marathon, not a sprint. Prepare accordingly. And best wishes!!

Thank you for all the advice

I pressed enter too soon so edit to say I really appreciate it and have taken all the advice on board!

OP posts:

flippinnorrra · 05/03/2025 10:56

Jessa85 · 28/02/2025 12:19

I just wanted to update you all because I had a chat with my husband this morning as he is WFH today. We discussed all the main issues - finances, household and of course the food too. I'll break it down, this is very condensed, OMG are you ready -

Food -
He told me he's upset that I will exclude him from future meals. I explained I am not excluding him at all and came up with various options for compromise that he huffed at. So I've told him, I am cooking XYZ and there will be a portion for him, if he doesn't want that he can cater for himself.

Household -
He said that his work is very taxing and he is mentally drained after each day, that coming home and doing housework isn't on his radar. I lost my cool a little here and told him why should it be on mine!!! that I do EVERYTHING, that we had counselling last year and this was part of that reason. I explained that if he can't do the housework, he should pay for a cleaner etc... but he said 'why when you cope with it already'. I lost it... I completely lost it. This man is a f'ing joke.

Finances -
I showed him all the finances and he agreed it is a little unbalanced... damn i laughed at 'a little'. I told him how I have no money for myself and he said is that why I always look drab, that I don't look after myself enough. I'm in shock... I don't look drab, I look after myself I'm just not walking around the house in tight dresses with pristine hair all day like he wants. He said he will adjust his finances but to be honest even if he adjusted to 100% on his side, I'm out. He said his disposable income goes on clothes etc and investments that he holds... I've asked for details of those.

At this point I've realised that it's over, he has zero respect for me, is financially and emotionally abusing me and I'M OUT. I haven't told him about the divorce plans, I seriously think he just thinks this is me having another whinge but no, he'll be shocked when he realises.

I've condensed this down, so much more was said. I don't know whether to ask him to go to a hotel this weekend or whether that will put him into panic mode and start hiding stuff from me. I don't know what happened to the guy I met 15 years ago, seems he also got lost over the last 10 years. What a jerk.

I think UAE does not a REMO arrangement so paying child maintenance would not be enforceable - best double check that though.

Has he accepted the job? Did you know he was off to UAE on a business trip?!

Could you set up your own personal bank account for your grandfather to pay into? Or could you take out a credit card to pay for the legal fees and your grandad pay it off?

flippinnorrra · 05/03/2025 10:58

@Jessa85 quoted the wrong post, my comment was in response to your UAE bombshell and can't edit it!

But you may want to hold off on filing for divorce until he turns down UAE role?

Original poster

Jessa85 · 05/03/2025 11:02

@flippinnorrra
I think UAE does not a REMO arrangement so paying child maintenance would not be enforceable - best double check that though.
Oh gosh I will check this. He does not know about the divorce yet.

Has he accepted the job? Did you know he was off to UAE on a business trip?!
No he hasn't accepted it as he wanted to discuss the implications with me. In order to stall him I told him lets talk about it after your trip. He told me he has a meeting there during his visit to discuss the role but no decision will be made there. I knew he was going to the UAE, he goes once or twice a year for work events but I only found out last night that he was offered a job.

Could you set up your own personal bank account for your grandfather to pay into? Or could you take out a credit card to pay for the legal fees and your grandad pay it off?
I'm looking at doing both of these. Grandad is happy to do whatever I need so I'm just checking the best course of action with my solicitor. I need to get financially independent asap.

OP posts:

flippinnorrra · 05/03/2025 11:06

Jessa85 · 05/03/2025 11:02

@flippinnorrra
I think UAE does not a REMO arrangement so paying child maintenance would not be enforceable - best double check that though.
Oh gosh I will check this. He does not know about the divorce yet.

Has he accepted the job? Did you know he was off to UAE on a business trip?!
No he hasn't accepted it as he wanted to discuss the implications with me. In order to stall him I told him lets talk about it after your trip. He told me he has a meeting there during his visit to discuss the role but no decision will be made there. I knew he was going to the UAE, he goes once or twice a year for work events but I only found out last night that he was offered a job.

Could you set up your own personal bank account for your grandfather to pay into? Or could you take out a credit card to pay for the legal fees and your grandad pay it off?
I'm looking at doing both of these. Grandad is happy to do whatever I need so I'm just checking the best course of action with my solicitor. I need to get financially independent asap.

This might help family-law.co.uk/family-law-blog/international-child-maintenace/#:~:text=What%20if%20the%20paying%20parent,and%20the%20United%20Arab%20Emirates.

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