Husbands food preferences driving me crazy - NEW THREAD

[Jessa85]

NEW THREAD for those following my thread from yesterday!

I will post the update of my conversation with my husband in a second.Original thread

@Sunat45degrees none whatsoever, I asked the question and he said that we can figure it out once he's accepted and that his employer would help us with accommodation etc and then he said oh as you will have to quit your job maybe you can home school the girls. I swear someone get me out of this shithole ASAP.

Fuck me.
Essentially we'll sort out the minor details of you and our kids lives, in one of the most disruptive situations they've ever encountered, as a footnote after accepting the job.
Aye aye aye, you did well not to tell him you were divorcing him on the spot.

I disagree with posters saying to wait it out, or suggesting waiting so that you can make sure he’s not hiding money.
You know what the situation is, the fact your solicitor is saying you may need a forensic accountant suggests that you have been given sound advice, a look at his bank accounts will tell you where his money is going etc.

He can then make a decision about the job knowing you are separating ( he can never then tell your kids that he made the decision he did without full knowledge of what was happening in your relationship)

In relation to CMS you can get the agreed amount or the fact he agrees to pay maintenance written into your consent order. You will also be in a stronger position regards to the house as your need will trump his, you’ll be needing to house your children, he won’t as he’ll be sodding off abroad. If he’s truly that selfish he won’t change his plans, he’ll likely be more keen to go as he’ll be able to position himself in victim mode

I just don’t see the benefit of waiting when it appears to be causing you such distress x

I can't remember what the situation was with the home and overall finances and affordability, but I'd say the sooner you can get out of this, the better. Hopefully your solicitor will be able to offer some useful advice on next steps you can take quickly.

Christ. At least I suppose every single thing that comes out of his mouth just confirms you’re doing the right thing for you and your girls, and that he possibly has no redeeming features whatsoever …

I think not saying a word until he accepts the job fully.

He will not want to expose himself to his employer.
Let him think it is all go ahead and then when his deal is signed, hit him with divotce and the possibility of police involvement as you have proof of his years of coercive control and financial abuse.

Let him squirm.
It just may make a quick, quiet divorce where he doesn't fight you far more appealing to him.

It would be what I would be talking to my solicitor about.

How you can leverage this job, post his signing, to get you a quick fair divorce.
Where your childrens future needs and housing are amply provided for, preferably with the house equity percentage heavily, if not all, in your favour.

He thinks you are a dim mug.
Show him you are most certainly not and go for the jugular.

He’s operating on some parallel universe somehow it’s he? He reminds me of my ex husband. Does he work in a v tech field? His communication skills and self awareness are shocking.

By word of warning, because the only place that my ex had nerve endings was in his wallet, once he realised that he would have to split “his” assets, the gloves were off and we had a very acrimonious divorce, mainly because I wouldn’t be bullied anymore. It cost a fortune - and was worth every penny.

I had a barrister and got Nominal Spousal Maintenance built in, which he absolutely loathes. My claws remain near his bollocks which makes him way more civil than I know he would be.

Definitely discuss all options with your Solicitor.

If you know you can't wait it out just keep your powder dry until you have what information you do need and can get without a forensic accountant.

I would be clear with him that you will not be moving out there with him.

Your emotional and mental well-being is top priority.

Be aware that whatever child maintenance arrangements are written into the consent order can be challenged after a year and the only thing you can really on is the CMS level. Which again even when salaried can be manipulated via pension and car contributions, shares & dividends.

Go for a highest clean break you can.

WTF. That’s so delusional! When you’re out, think back to that conversation! Wow.

Your last message made me gasp.
He really thinks of you as an inanimate object with no aspirations, no plans, no soul, no dreams. Just a blob that does stuff for him.

Envisaging a future with him trying to fend for himself looking around colourful food markets in UAE looking for beige food.
Imagine you being stuck there no money, no car home schooling the kids? God he’s rank.

re CMS payments. Will your H be working for an international company that has registered offices in the UK and in UAE? If so I think they might be able to contact the Uk office to put him on collect and pay if he doesn’t pay maintenance .

Esp if he's a UK citizen with a permanent residence here, Uk bank accounts etc

Many men in his position will pay up as they don’t want their employers to be involved. They are not ashamed to not pay for their kids, they just don’t want their boss to know that they are doing so.

I was coming on here to say that too: keep this thread as a reminder of everything that was said and when. If you ever need a reminder of how bad it was in the moment, you have it right here.

@Jessa85

As far as child maintenance if/when he's in the UAE, if he's working for a UK company I'd think as part of the divorce you'd be able to get a garnishment order and have it directly deducted from his pay, at least for when he's out of the country. Cut out the 'middle man' (him).

And as far as feeling that he's 'sensing something', he may well be. I've found that a lot of abusive & narc men seem to have some sort of almost 6th sense when their wives start to 'wake up' (as it were) no matter how hard we try to act normally. But usually they're so steeped in their own ego or sense of control that their minds don't quite accept what their subconscious is trying to tell them, which is all to the good. All you can do is be mindful of your words and actions and behave 'normally' as best you can. I hear you when it comes to acting 'submissively'. It's hard to find that fine line between faking submission to his bullshit and faking agreement to something that may be to your detriment later.

I do agree with you to get the 'divorce ball' rolling before his departure for the UAE, if he accepts that job. It may be a good idea to confer with your solicitor and have the first set of papers drawn up and ready to go now, just in case he accepts the offer and wants to start winding down your lives here. That way they can be filed and served right away if need be.

You are doing simply marvelously! Carry on as you are and you won't go wrong.

If the new job involves a pay rise, this could be advantageous in the financial split and you may be able to argue for a larger share of assets/house.
Make sure that you get full view of the package he is being offered.

He wants you to home school then kids to save money/increase his salary.

you will have to quit your job maybe you can home school the girls

Definitely delusional, especially if it's just for 6-12months. Even if your marriage was all roses, I wouldn't be taking children out of school for a 6 month overseas contract. And if he thinks a 6-12 month contract will allow him to retire earlier he hasn't got a business head either.

Decisions such as taking a job requiring a move even 100 miles away are family decisions before even applying, let alone taking the job.

@Jessa85

i'm glad you had a good weekend with the girls, a taste of what it's going to be like when you get this shit sorted out🤗

It's hard to completely disguise your new found confidence and having had your eyes opened to how utterly vile his treatment is!! Just keep doing your best, but no bloody way can you wait till August!! You have a whole summer to enjoy with the girls before then,

I'm unsurprised to hear your mum thought that you should stay with him until the children were older, but I'm glad she seen the light and is being supportive now. But is there any chance she'll try to speak to him to get him to ''sort himself out' or anything like that before you have had the chance to serve him the papers??

He's such an arrogant fuck!!

You should be in no doubt you're doing the right thing. Even if the girls are upset at first, this is the right thing for the long run for you and for them don't be in any doubt of that!!

Even without all the other stuff I wouldn't be up rooting two kids from their lives for a 6 to 12 month contract if he really insisted on taking the job and everything else was okay he'd have to be flying backwards and forwards to see us because I'd be staying here!! Not fair on the children or you if you like your job!

He's just so monumentally selfish and arrogant he's making my blood boil, but I am so thankful you have seen the light!!

Get that fine tooth comb on overdrive!!
🤗

My father did a few contracts in the Middle East in the 70s and 80s when I was a child/teenager. My mother refused to contemplate moving there, so we and my brother became quite a tight little unit. She says now it was always difficult when he came back to turn us from three to four people. And that was with a strong and happy marriage.

Whilst he is away, I think you need to get as much information is about him possibly taking this job.

As I suspect that it won’t be for 6-12 months. If it was, then any sane person would just travel back and forth, so as not to disrupt their children nor make their spouse resign from their job……

I would speak to rights of women etc and get as much information on your rights to declare that the children will not move and will remain in the UK with you.

He will use every tactic to manipulate you into going/not to divorce him. Love bombing, anger, guilt, coercion. Then rinse and repeat…..

So you said no way, unfair to you and the girls, and he COMPLETELY ignored that and has decided it's entirely his decision and will dictate your life?

Hilarious.

You will be well rid of him.

I would also hide the dcs passports op, in case he has a mad idea to take them so that you have to follow. There is also a 'prohibitive steps order', I believe it's called to prevent him from removing the dcs from the country/area. Hopefully it won't come to that though!

Oh i hope you smiled sweetly and said, 'whatever you want darling. And I'll be able prepare all the special dishes that you like!'
One part of me thinks he delusional and another is wondering if he's testing you as he knows something is up.

He knows that once he, the OP and the children move to UAE with him they are trapped. @Jessa85 cant take the children back to the UK without his permission. And I assume she won’t be allowed to work there.

Sorry for the radio silence, I went into his office yesterday and found his ipad. I knew the passcode as he let me borrow it before. Well, I saw complete evidence on him having an affair for the last year or more. The business trips and golf trips were not that. His files were also linked and I found his actual income, which is a lot higher than I knew. So between the investments and his mistress, I've found where his missing money goes.

I've screenshot and screen recorded all of their conversations. I've screenshot all of the files and evidence from there. He had the ipad locked in a drawer but I managed to find the key.

The messages between them are enlightening... They talk about me and the girls, it made me feel so sick reading them. She tells him she's excited to move to the UAE with him but 'what will your wife do?' he replies to say he planned to talk to me but he knows already I'll not want to move the girls. He tells her 'that means we can start a new life together'. He tells her he will tell me at the weekend that he is accepting the job and that he will move out as he feels our relationship is over as I am not 'supporting his dreams'.

There's so much on these messages. I'm sobbing my heart out typing this. He loves the girls but regrets having them and doesn't plan to fight for custody. He just wants his new life. She tells him to move in with her... She'll get the wine ready.

So last night I packed his stuff, all of it and put it in the boot of his car. I spoke to my solicitor after I found all this and they are starting all the necessary paperwork for my to screw him of every last penny that I am entitled to. I will be asking for full custody of the girls.

Oh and he is only in the UAE for 3 days, his emails show his flight lands in the UK on Thursdsay morning but he told me he'll be landing Saturday morning. So when he gets home he will be going straight to his car and out of my life. I wanted to change the locks but solicitor tells me we need a court order, I've told him to do whatever is necessary.

My mum is taking the girls on Friday night so they are not home for any of this. Unlike my soon to be ex, they will always be my priority.