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Original poster

Dating someone who has children

127 replies

coffeetart · 27/02/2025 11:24

Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into

Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys .

I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life.

I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids.

This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone.

Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives …

Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 27/02/2025 11:36

I wouldn't look for anything other than a good time from a man with 3 kids under 10. I wouldn't even date or do a FWB with someone who had a high conflict relationship with their ex.

Blending families is hard and stressful and many times just doesn't work and the family is mangled. It seems like in quite a few instances the man is looking for someone to help with the domestic chores and raise the kids. Are you ready for that? Are you ready to step in if mom and dad are busy? Adding in another child brings in more complicated relationships.

I grew up with steps that I didn't get along with and it was rough.

Maybe read the stepparents forum.

Alalalala · 27/02/2025 11:37

You’re right that if things progressed you’d be lumbered with the mothering duties and he would be in no rush to have any more children (for good reason). It doesn’t seem like a good option I’m afraid.

Frostynoman · 27/02/2025 11:39

I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve not experienced losing a partner but I have experienced life changing loss and understand the need to balance stress. What I would ask, blended families aside for a second, is are you scared of living in order to avoid any more sadness or stress?

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 11:52

Just date. In the meantime be approachable for a different, more audio long term partner to come into your life.

No need to be exclusive just yet.

ginasevern · 27/02/2025 11:56

I think it's fair to say that blended families rarely ever bring "an awful lot of happiness" OP. That's probably rarer than hens teeth. Three kids under 10 is a hell of a lot to handle, even for their own parents, let alone for someone who (let's be honest) isn't going to love and adore the little darlings like a bio mum. Your life will never be your own and your partner will always prioritise the needs, wellbeing and life's dramas of his existing children. Did anyone tell you that kids can bring a lot of drama and unbelievable complications into your life?

Pearl97 · 27/02/2025 11:59

Three boys under 10 is hard when they’re you’re own. It would very hard if they weren’t.
4 children is a lot if you have one of your own holidays will be expensive.
it depends on the relationship with the mum etc but my advice would be have some fun … then run x

soarklyknobs · 27/02/2025 11:59

First off, this man isn't a good father, he only sees his DC 4 days a month; that's pitiful.

Obviously if you want kids in the future, then:

A) he's unlikely to want any - he already has 3.

B) if he does want more DC, his time and finances are going to be split so much, how much care, time and support would you and your DC with him get?

C) he's already proved he's a disinterested parent, so why would you want DC with this man anyway?

D) it sounds like you know A to C already, because you're already assuming that if you "blended" he'd be expecting you to do all the housework and parenting.

You know when women get the advice "she should have chosen better" but it's years into the relationship and a bit late by then?

I'm telling you now, you can choose better. A man who may or may not be a father, but if he is, he does better than being a Disney dad four days a month 🙄

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:04

It doesn't sound selfish, it sounds sensible.

Becoming a stepmum to 3 would be testing.

I also don't rate his parenting if he's only doing alternate weekends.

Gingerbiscuitt · 27/02/2025 12:05

If he already has 3 young children then he probably won't want anymore, especially as he isn't young and he doesn't see the children often. Ideally, you'd date for a couple of years before trying to have a baby, but you don't have time to wait.

Sakai · 27/02/2025 12:06

It would be a big no from me. Too much hassle and work.

Redrosesposies · 27/02/2025 12:07

I wouldn't

thecrispfiend · 27/02/2025 12:08

Run!! Before you get attached (Speaking from experience)

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:10

What does his house look like, is there evidence that it is chaotic? If he is a single father who has his kids every 2nd weekend surely he is in the routine of looking after the household duties already. I've been with men with 2 or 3 primary school aged kids and the men had everything perfectly under control. Depends on the man.

Kitchensinktoday · 27/02/2025 12:11

This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone.

Yes, this is the reality. You are not being selfish, not many people would enjoy 3 children (that weren't there own) every other weekend. And on Planet Stepparenting, a weekend is rarely Saturday/Sunday. Its often Thur-Mon, plus a mid week night. Think carefully OP

ForRealCat · 27/02/2025 12:12

I wouldn't get involved to be honest. Find someone with less complexities. How would you feel in two years time with all of your salary going to support your family, but a chunk of his going out the door to support another? I couldn't cope with all my efforts paying into our unit, but only 80% of my partners.

The fact you already know you are going to be responsible for picking up the 'wife work' when his kids are round would be a no from me.

Find someone who wants their own family unit with you and that is their priority

Kitchensinktoday · 27/02/2025 12:14

I'm telling you now, you can choose better. A man who may or may not be a father, but if he is, he does better than being a Disney dad four days a month 🙄

@soarklyknobs you seem obsessed with '4 days per month'. EOW arrangements are usually more than that. As I said earlier in the thread, a step child weekend is often Thursday to Monday, plus a mid week night. So if you add all that up, its a lot more than 4 days per month.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 27/02/2025 12:14

If you are certain you want a child, look into sperm donors rather than this man. You aren't being selfish. Don't tie yourself to someone else's children and forego having your own.

Nothatgingerpirate · 27/02/2025 12:16

I would have avoided like a bad smell.
Fortunately, I don't want or need to "date" anymore.
You would never come as priority, so what's the actual point in making all the efforts "dating" comes with?

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:17

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:04

It doesn't sound selfish, it sounds sensible.

Becoming a stepmum to 3 would be testing.

I also don't rate his parenting if he's only doing alternate weekends.

Theres plenty of reasons why a dad might only see his kids every 2nd weekend. And the majority are nothing to do with being a bad dad.

BeaAndBen · 27/02/2025 12:21

Spend tonight with the Stepparenting board and a large drink.

That should give you more than enough idea why a man with three kids under 10 every other weekend is not a good bet if you want children of your own.

Simonjt · 27/02/2025 12:22

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:17

Theres plenty of reasons why a dad might only see his kids every 2nd weekend. And the majority are nothing to do with being a bad dad.

Show quote history

What reasons would they be? I mean if mum is able to manage 26 days a month, what makes a dad so special that they can’t?

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:23

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:17

Theres plenty of reasons why a dad might only see his kids every 2nd weekend. And the majority are nothing to do with being a bad dad.

Show quote history

Maybe, but there are a lot of disengaged, bare minimum dads.

Ferrazzuoli · 27/02/2025 12:28

You don't sound selfish at all OP, it's completely normal to be considering this. Three young DC is stressful, and it doesn't necessarily get any easier as they get older as teenagers can be tricky too (I have three teens). Then with your own child in the mix it would be a lot - does he want more kids? If you are specifically trying to avoid stress, as you say in your post, then I would maybe avoid this one.

offmynut · 27/02/2025 12:28

He`s 42 with 3 kids under 10 id been looking else where tbh.
Or just have some fun dont get to serious and leave it at that.
Dont get to involved in his family life because your be playing step mum before you know it and wondering how did this happen in 12 months.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:31

Simonjt · 27/02/2025 12:22

What reasons would they be? I mean if mum is able to manage 26 days a month, what makes a dad so special that they can’t?

Show quote history

A man's ex being very very difficult is a big one for a start. I had an ex who wanted (and was able to do) 50/50 but the ex openly stated she didnt want that as she would rather get the maintenance money. And as other posters have said every second weekend isnt necessarily just Saturday to Sunday.

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