Dating someone who has children

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Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into

Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys .

I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life.

I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids.

This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone.

Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives …

Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

It’s the most stressful thing I’ve ever done and I’ve divorced, moved house, moved areas.

It made me physically and mentally ill. I had to deal with a horrible ex who coached her children to be unkind and a DH who took Disney to a new level.

I would not recommend.

I wouldn’t, and I say that as someone who’s dating a man with a child. But she’s older and there’s only one of her! He does EOW and one night midweek and it does impact on what we can do, although we know do things all together sometimes and he’s very adamant that I’m not responsible for her in any way (even as far as I offered to pick her up from school if he was late back from somewhere one evening).
i think you also need to be realistic about your expectations for having a family. Have you even got as far as discussing if he wants more kids? At your age I think it’s important to have that chat early on so you don’t waste time you don’t really have on your side.

Is it really such a terrible thing if kids spend more time in the family home with their mother, who may also be down as the primary carer? Is it really so terrible?

No, it’s not terrible at all, and I imagine a lot of children would prefer to have a “base”.

And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

Right …… In which case he would be criticised for reducing/losing his income. Generous maintenance payments can only be made from a generous salary. You can’t have it both ways.

Hi op there are lots of very negative warnings here, but he could be a lovley guy and if he lives a distance from the kids I can see why he does every other weekend - does he do a decent share in the school holidays? If so this is better than forcing 50/50 just to avoid child maintenance.

You speak so passively - 'I would be lumbered with childcare' only if you agree. You can practice setting boundaries. If he's your boyfriend you can have one weekend being couple time and the other weekend you do some bits with him and the kids but mainly make that weekend about you getting your admin done and seeing friends and exercising etc. if he's looking for a 'nanny with a fanny' then you'll find out soon enough.

I hope you can have a child. Maybe give yourself a deadline of eg 3-4 months to se how things are going with him and reevaluate. You're being sensible. Have you asked him in general terms if he'd be open to more kids? I always do and you can tell if it's an enthusiastic yes or a very non commital maybe or a no.

If have a good support system you might be better being a single mum by choice and then dating someone like him after so you know you have your child and you don't have to risk being tied to an ex like I am.

This is realistic and sounds nice and would be similar if all kids lived with you fulll time

@JoyDreamer86 he now sees his son 'as often as he wants when back home' this doesn't sounds like a great routine for the child, I think eow is better than this

My DH had 2 children under 10 when we got together, and I won't say it wasn't hard. But it did work out in the end and we now do have one together - but we didn't have her until we'd been together 8 years.

If you don't have children yourself - which I didn't, and you don't - it's a massive change of lifestyle during the time you spend together, plus his finances will be affected due to maintenance which will limit what you can do together unless either of you are very high earners. Including where you can live, when you can buy a property, holidays you can take etc etc. You do end up doing a lot of the cleaning/tidying/cooking when they're around, or I do anyway.

Tbh I'd also be wary at 40 and wanting your own children that a man with 3 already may not be eager to do that straight away, unless you've had that conversation with him already of course? I know it's so much easier said than done but you might be better looking for someone who's openly wanting their own family as you might find this guy stalls, even if he says it's what he wants.

EOW is a fairly standard set up. Usually with one night midweek on the week he doesnt have them at the weekend. What I objected to was people assuming he was a bad dad based solely on the number of days he sees them (see my post about my own father). I also think advice on here is conflicting- dont date a man who doesnt see his kids all the time as that's a red flag, but also dont date a man who does have his kids often as that's too much baggage etc. Should men not go near a woman with kids as that means she has baggage??

EOW is a fairly standard set up. Usually with one night midweek on the week he doesnt have them at the weekend. What I objected to was people assuming he was a bad dad based solely on the number of days he sees them (see my post about my own father).

Yes, totally agree. An EOW arrangement is not 4 days per month, as someone was trying to say!!!

It near enough is, is it not?

@BattIestar I would disagree. When DH had an EOW arrangement, it was Fri 6pm-Sun 6pm EOW, plus Wednesday night every week. So 3 nights one week, one night the next. So 8 nights per month.

I am in a relationship with a man who has 3 children under 10 but that is where our similarities end OP. I am 9 years older than my partner and a single parent to 4 children of my own who are now all teens and young adults (I was widowed when the DC were very young). I love my partner very much but we do not live together and I doubt we ever will (or at least not for 5+ years if we are still together!).

I have not met his DC yet but I am excited to do so in the future when it is the right time for us all. I love children (have always been a naturally mothering type person!) and I miss my own DC being young so much. I will enjoy spending time with them, but my partner would never dream of foisting them on me and we have no plans to establish a blended family. Our lives are very busy and separate but we see each other once or twice a week and holiday together and our time together is so precious and wonderful. It may not work for everyone, but it works for us.

In your shoes, with no DC of your own (but hoping to have a family of your own), I think you are very sensible to have reservations about proceeding with this relationship. I personally think that it is vanishingly rare for blended families to actually work well and for everyone to be truely happy with the setup.

I wouldn't have any respect for a man that thinks being a parent equates to 4 nights a month

I have no idea why everyone has jumped to conclusions and assumed 4 nights per month?

Because OP said every other weekend, which would be Friday-Sunday. She didn't say two long/extended weekends a month.

It's a big issue to consider, however after a certain age, the option of meeting a partner without DC are very slim.

EOW is a fairly standard set up. True, as standard, not good enough.

As far as I can tell, the two main sources of conflict or difficulty in blended families are:

• a difficult ex who poisons the kids against the NRP, makes life difficult and has very different parenting standards to the other parent
• a crappy / Disney dad who won’t enforce any boundaries with his kids because he’s terrified they will hate him and no longer want to visit if he says no to anything. This is very much linked with the first point above.

But you can get divorced parents who get along fine, and if your parenting style or just your standards of how you would like DC to behave in your own household doesn’t match theirs you’re sunk.

The other issue is of course children themselves. It must be hard enough to see your parents split up, even if you know the households are happier apart. But to watch your parents move on and create new families with someone else must be another level. This is why when DH and I blended our families with existing DC in both sides we decided not to have any DC together - much as I would have loved another baby it didn’t seem fair to either set of children to have another child that lived full time in one household while they shuttled between two. And we had plenty of issues around those two main points above to deal with already, and that was with me and DH being very much on the same page on how to parent.

EOW is a fairly standard set up.

I personally wouldn't touch any father who only does this with a barge pole. You are welcome to them all!

Should men not go near a woman with kids as that means she has baggage??

Welll, rather obviously, absolutely they shouldn't if they don't want that baggage.

Well that isn't EOW then is it?!? 😂😂

It's EOW plus every weds.

Well that's not EOW, if he has them an extra night. But Friday - Sunday 6pm is 48 hours, isn't it. So pretty much four days a month.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I would have a think about how this man parents his current three children and ask yourself, would this be good enough for my child(ren)? I know of too many women who have dated a man with children, gone on to have their own and then been in complete disbelief when he’s no more interested in their children together than he was his children with his ex!

I couldn’t date a man that doesn’t parent his children. Even if he was the perfect father, can this man meet your needs? Only you know what you need from a relationship and a potential father to your children. Blending families is hard work and isn’t something to go into lightly.

It's great that you're even thinking about it before diving straight in.

I'm 44, single and no children and I'd have to carefully consider whether I wanted to get involved with someone with children (it really would depend on the individual circumstances, not a blanket refusal).

So narrow minded.

Honestly OP, it's difficult enough dating someone when you have your own children. I say this with absolute kindness but having children means even the best made plans can end up being thrown out at last minute and the age his kids are at will mean they still need their Dad a lot, and this will increase as they get older.

The fact he only sees his once a fortnight is not a great indicator for what kind of father he'd be in the future to be honest. I'm in the same boat with my ex and he is a fun time Dad but the hard work of parenting lies with me.

If you want to date someone with kids, date someone who is actually a hands on dad, and perhaps with kids who are older and who need him a little less.