Dating someone who has children

[coffeetart]

Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into

Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys .

I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life.

I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids.

This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone.

Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives …

Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

That's correct. And if he had no children it's still a leap of faith not knowing how he would be as a father. And needing to TTC fairly quickly isnt great as I think you should be with someone for quite some time before deciding whether to have children with them or not.

I have no experience of dating in my 40's but do have experience of loosing a partner so understand the effort it takes to rebuild. You should be really proud to have got where you are. The good news is that you know how strong you are now and that's invaluable going forwards. Have you talked to him about if he wants more kids etc? What his expectations would be if you were to become more serious etc etc? It's perfectly acceptable to have those conversations at your age. I imagine a lot of men of his age in the dating pool may have kids already. I would worry more about how compatible you are. It takes a lot to find someone you want to settle down with, even more to do it twice and after such a traumatic loss. Think hard about whether he is someone you see yourself growing old with, is he someone you can talk to about these big issues? If he is then he's also someone who will have your back and not dump all the childcare on you if you don't want it. If he's not you have your answer and can start your search for someone that you are really compatible with.