Page 2 | Dating someone who has children

coffeetart · 2025-02-27T11:24:29+00:00

Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys . I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life. I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids. This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone. Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives … Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

ringmybe11 · 27/02/2025 12:31

My friends encouraged me to be open minded when I started dating (at 35) regarding men with children however I just knew I wanted a family with someone who hadn't done that already so it was a deal breaker for me and I stuck to my guns. My now DH and I have one DS together, life is hectic enough as it is with both our careers and parenting so I am glad there is no additional complication. Selfish maybe but you have to do what's right for you, that's fairer to everyone in the long run.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:33

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:23

Maybe, but there are a lot of disengaged, bare minimum dads.

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Yes that's very true also! Just didnt seem fair people were judging this man based on how many days he saw them without knowing much else.

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:33

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:31

A man's ex being very very difficult is a big one for a start. I had an ex who wanted (and was able to do) 50/50 but the ex openly stated she didnt want that as she would rather get the maintenance money. And as other posters have said every second weekend isnt necessarily just Saturday to Sunday.

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What stopped him from going to court to get 50/50?

HelloCanYouHearMe · 27/02/2025 12:35

My partner has 3 kids (12,13 &19), I have 1 (9)
My DS is with us 70% of the week and at least 2 of DP’s kids are with us every weekend (fri – sun)
The weekends are a tiring chaos & the house is a mess, but all the kids get along and we make a point of taking everyone out EOW for a family type activity (and specifically put money away for this purpose) and the kids are a pleasure to be around (although the 19 year old has some questionable moments as he currently knows better than everyone else)

DP and I share the household duties and he parents his kids and I parent mine (although everyone knows that if they misbehave they will be told off by which ever adult is around.)
We both put the house back together on a Sunday evening before settling down for the evening.
It can be stressful, but for the most part it works for us.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 12:41

category12 · 27/02/2025 12:33

What stopped him from going to court to get 50/50?

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It would take too long to go into it all. I witnessed a lot of what went on. He was so scared of upsetting the very unstable ex. Eventually I convinced him to be tougher with her. He was. It resulted in her stopping dad and son seeing each other for around 4 months but eventually she gave in and now their situation is much better. The ex has realised she cant play games anymore. His job has changed to rolling shifts but he now gets to see his son as often as he wants when back home

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2025 12:43

Well at least you know he's fertile!

FondantFancyFan · 27/02/2025 12:43

Dump now and run, don't waste anymore time on this man. Your values and life expectations do not match up.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 27/02/2025 13:02

On the basis of everything you have written, I think walk away and find someone less complicated. Three children under ten is a lot on so many levels.
It is really great that you are thinking about this now. I have read a lot of threads on here where someone has leapt in and had a child with someone who has existing children and then says they never thought it would be so difficult.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 13:07

If you want your own then walk away and find someone else.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 13:09

Don't do it. Walk away. 100%.

Snorlaxo · 27/02/2025 13:12

Yanbu to think with your head.

Does this man want more children?
Between you, do you earn enough to house 4 or more kids ? (I add the or more because you might want 2)

If you’re happy dating then I’d say crack on but most blended families don’t work out and many part-time dads allow mess and bad behaviour on their weekends which is going to drive you nuts. The teen years are rocky and as the stepmother, you won’t have any power to influence things or the patience to tolerate it because they aren’t your kids.

Toopdeloop · 27/02/2025 13:12

I'm a stepmum. When I first got with my partner I wasn't sure about getting with someone with children (he had 2 already). My best friend told me to look at all the positives, they are bonus children, extensions of him so if I love him I will love them, future children will already have siblings. I honestly wish I had never listened and had got out early on when it was easy to do so. I haven't had the easiest life and being a step-parent is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever experienced. If DP and I didn't now have children together I wouldn't have stayed through all the shit I have been out through by his oldest son and his ex. I love my DP but it's not worth all the drama and stress that it brings. When you bring your own children into the family it then adds a whole other level of difficulty too. In my own situation I know my life would be easier as a single mum. If I were in your shoes I would ditch this guy and have kids myself then maybe meet someone after.

SparklyDog · 27/02/2025 13:13

Why are you wasting your precious time on him???
Of course you'll end up doing motherly duties when he has them.
I think it's limiting to only only want childfree men to start a family with at 40 but it wouldn't be unreasonable to want less children or that his children are 15 and older or something like that.
If your guy is a multimillionaire you might overlook it and hire help like a nanny ans a housekeeper to make up for the situation.

Toopdeloop · 27/02/2025 13:15

HelloCanYouHearMe · 27/02/2025 12:35

My partner has 3 kids (12,13 &19), I have 1 (9)
My DS is with us 70% of the week and at least 2 of DP’s kids are with us every weekend (fri – sun)
The weekends are a tiring chaos & the house is a mess, but all the kids get along and we make a point of taking everyone out EOW for a family type activity (and specifically put money away for this purpose) and the kids are a pleasure to be around (although the 19 year old has some questionable moments as he currently knows better than everyone else)

DP and I share the household duties and he parents his kids and I parent mine (although everyone knows that if they misbehave they will be told off by which ever adult is around.)
We both put the house back together on a Sunday evening before settling down for the evening.
It can be stressful, but for the most part it works for us.

I think this is a positive example but different to what the OP's would be as she doesn't have children and would then hope to have them with this man which I think makes the dynamic quite different.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 13:26

Have you asked him why he has his children only 7% of the time op? Whilst it's possible there is a good reason for this, it's unlikely. He is leaving over 90% of the care of his children, and I'd say 3 boys under 10 is likely hard hard work, to the other parent. Doesn't bode well.

Elkmoor · 27/02/2025 13:58

Be kind to yourself and walk away. You will never be a priority and nor will any child(ren) you have. Stepmothering is exhausting and can actually be traumatic and it sounds like you have had plenty of trauma already. It's not selfish to look after yourself, it's an essential life skill.

Mauro711 · 27/02/2025 13:59

The fact he has 3 young kids is an inconvenience, the fact he barely sees them is a red flag because if you had a child with him and things didn't work out he most likely won't be volunteering to do his fair share for you either and you won't get much help financially (which is pretty much all that matters when you are no longer in love and they are not putting their time into it either) because he has three other kids to pay for. I think you can do better, even doing it by yourself would probably be better actually.

BettyBardMacDonald · 27/02/2025 14:05

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 27/02/2025 11:52

Just date. In the meantime be approachable for a different, more audio long term partner to come into your life.

No need to be exclusive just yet.

Exactly. There's nothing wrong with casual dating.

I wouldn't get seriously involved with anyone who has children. And if he only sees his existing kids once per fortnight he's not a decent dad.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 14:07

I wouldn't even date.

We choose who we fall in love with, and you make that choice BEFORE you fall.

Beamur · 27/02/2025 14:11

You're right to be cautious.
It can work. My DH had 2 kids and together we had a third. It's been a mostly harmonious time. Not without some ups and downs.
Key things that helped us- good relationship with ex wife, simple financial arrangements, shared residency.
Also key - I wasn't a default carer or cleaner. Kids have 2 fully functioning parents. But I was able to have my say in things that affect me and our home and the kids were kind and respectful.
On occasions I was irritated I reminded myself this wasn't their choice and this is their home too.
Given how difficult a time you have had, bear in mind whether you have the resilience for this. Good luck.

Kulwinder54 · 27/02/2025 14:29

Did his ex move away further out?

With 3 boys he will likely (if he's a decent father) become more involved in their lives as they get older. That's only to be supported, as boys need strong male role models. Will you be happy with that?

SparklyDog · 27/02/2025 14:33

3 children are so expensive, is he rich? Does he want more children?? I also think he sees them very little if he has time to date new women he should spend it on his children. He had 3 whole kids with someone!!! And now sees them twice a month.. how shit of a partner was her to end up leaving his ex with 3 kids under 10? I dont think he will be a good dad... only caveat is if he is sooo rich the money makes up for a lot.

Snakeface7 · 27/02/2025 17:53

Run! I married a man with two children and it ended in divorce. You'll be expected to look after them and be mother without any thanks. As it's expected that a dad puts his children first you will be the lowest priority while being expected to give your all.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 17:59

SparklyDog · 27/02/2025 14:33

3 children are so expensive, is he rich? Does he want more children?? I also think he sees them very little if he has time to date new women he should spend it on his children. He had 3 whole kids with someone!!! And now sees them twice a month.. how shit of a partner was her to end up leaving his ex with 3 kids under 10? I dont think he will be a good dad... only caveat is if he is sooo rich the money makes up for a lot.

Woman chooses to have 3 kids then gets upset that she is "left with them". What a nice way to put it. But of course if he is rich that makes everything ok. And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

category12 · 27/02/2025 20:14

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 17:59

Woman chooses to have 3 kids then gets upset that she is "left with them". What a nice way to put it. But of course if he is rich that makes everything ok. And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

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If the man isn't prepared to do his share of childcare or chooses to work family-unfriendly hours or to work away, maybe that's part of the reason the relationship collapsed in the first place 😁

Women work too and make choices about work/family/life balance; it only seems to be men that have the Big Important Jobs that can't possibly take a backseat.