Dating someone who has children

[coffeetart]

Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into

Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys .

I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life.

I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids.

This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone.

Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives …

Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

Agreed!

As a Mum in an EOW set up with my ex (by his choice!) I think it's abhorrent that any parent can make the choice to effectively abandon their responsibilities and leave the other parent to do all of the hard graft. Says a lot about their values as a person.

Exactly this. I'm sure he has some sob story but the fact is that he is ok just fitting his kids in a few days per month.

I also think advice on here is conflicting- dont date a man who doesnt see his kids all the time as that's a red flag, but also dont date a man who does have his kids often as that's too much baggage etc.

That isn't conflicting - I would follow both those rules. I would rather be single than either of those options.

So narrow minded.

😂😂😂 what? Are you saying I can't make my own decisions on who I date?

Of course you can. But to say you wouldn't touch any man with a barge pole based solely on the number of days he sees his children without knowing any other facts is narrow minded.

EOW covers a multitude of sins. My ex would pick up the kids at lunchtime Saturday and return them lunchtime Sunday alternate weekends.

He's not a terrible father in the sense that he loves them and wouldn't purposely harm them and he's always paid child support (at minimum CMS calculation rate).

But basically he's Bare Minimum Dad. He could (and does say, quite proudly) that he saw them, he paid towards them, but by crikey it's a low fucking bar.

If you're coming into a relationship thinking about maybe having children, I wouldn't want to knowingly pick Bare Minimum Dad for potential father.

@JoyDreamer86
It isn't narrow minded. It's my own boundaries. My own life experience means that from EOW I do know some facts about him. I know that the chances are that EOW means he's selfish and lazy, as working is far easier than 24-7-52-20 parenting which every parent knows. As you've detailed there will be some men who do EOW who aren't selfish and lazy. They do it because their ex is controlling or is happy with the maintenance in lieu, like your mum. But, and this is my decision, I can't be arsed to wade through the EOW fathers sifting for the good ones. I'm just not that bothered about being with a man. Of course if being with a man is important to you you might be prepared to either accept selfish/lazy or sift through. Your choice. That isn't because I'm narrow minded, it's because I'm perfectly happy single, I find it bliss, so have the freedom to set my boundaries however impossibly high I fancy.

If your perfectly happy being single by choice then bore off commenting on what men you would or wouldn't date based purely on something you dont have the facts on. Sounds like you wouldn't date any man because he'd always be doing something "wrong" unlike perfect you.

You don't want me to/don't thjnk I should post on the thread because I have high boundaries? @JoyDreamer86

Your saying your not bothered about being with a man yet commenting on a post where someone is looking for advice re the man she is dating. If your not interested in men then why bother. And you dont have high standards.

No. I'm saying I wouldn't bother being with a man who is likely selfish and lazy. That is my advice to the op.

But you dont know he is lazy and selfish!

@JoyDreamer86 I completely agree with the points you've been making here, but you're wasting your breath with some of the posters, there seem to be some very bitter people on this thread.

I'm sure a man who was doing 50/50 would get a lot of criticism too, people would say he'd gone for 50/50 to avoid CMS

You do know, however, that he has a failed relationship behind him with the mother of his children and seems to accept only seeing his three young kids 2 weekends a month.

It’s not a great recommendation for resilience, commitment and care. The OP is thinking about a potential father for her future child.

And when the boys are around, she’s right to be apprehensive about being roped into childcare.

Tangent, but the ops only posted once, so-

I'm intrigued @Kitchensinktoday - what is bitter about being happy single and not wanting to date a man who is likely selfish and lazy?

If your perfectly happy being single by choice then bore off commenting on what men you would or wouldn't date based purely on something you dont have the facts on.
The fact is glaringly obvious.
Any parent that is happy with EOW is a selfish one.
@JoyDreamer86 You are not the thread police, posters can share their experience.
I'm not single, I'm happily married, if we broke up, I wouldn't date who thought it was acceptable to see his DC EOW.
It says a lot more about his character, than the pillow talk he spouts

The best advice.

Having been through the dynamics of blended families, and on the stepparenting board, I wouldn't get involved.
It will be stressful and complex to navigate for you down the line, especially if yoy want a child of your own.
Protect your peace.

Who said he was happy with EOW, who said it's a permanent arrangement? Life isnt a fairytale all the time. Sometimes one parent (whether that be the man or woman) may have to keep the kids more than the other. Its life. It's not always straightforward.

@JoyDreamer86 He isn't worth the risk, however much you try to justify this lazy man.

Yep. I've had my eyes opened over the years about how truly awful some mothers can be and the impossible situations some men find themselves in. And I'm very grateful my own mother and father never bad mouthed each other and there was no bitterness from my mother which could of rubbed off onto me and affected my happy childhood.

Crumbs, @JoyDreamer86 , you sound like you’d be a better fit for Fathers4Justice than Mumsnet!

Lol, I thought the same thing, and had decided to just ignore after the last comment which bore absolutely no relevance to this thread.

At 42 I doubt he wants to start all over again. He'll be the age of other children's grandads.

With three he barely sees, his fathering drive seems bare minimum - what makes you think he'll change if he hasn't made any more effort so far?

I wouldn't be surprised if he sees you as a handy free nanny/housekeeper/chauffeur/laundry maid/wrangler to point at should he try to go for more time with them at his home - 'see what I've got now! Mummy 2.0!'

I quite often think I'm quite hard on men with my views and then I come on here and feel much more laid back

We don't know if OP's potential partner is a father who wants to be more involved with his children and is doing his best or if he's a CBA dad. It's something for OP to consider as objectively as possible. What kind of dad he is to his present kids is good information to have.

Personally I wouldn't think 42 yr old man with 3 boys under 10 is a good bet for OP who has limited time left in her fertility window at 40.

She'd be needing to TTC fairly quickly - even assuming he's keen to have more children, which he may not be, with 3 already. It's very little time to get to know the existing children and build relationships with them as dad's girlfriend, let alone as possible stepmum and half-sibling's mum, very little time to understand the dynamics between him and his ex and wider family. It's kind of like taking a leap off the highest diving board when you haven't been in the water before.