Page 3 | Dating someone who has children

coffeetart · 2025-02-27T11:24:29+00:00

Before I get too involved or take this any further I need to be sure what I’m getting into Met a nice guy I’m 40 he’s 42 but he’s 3 children , all under the age of ten , boys . I’ve had a lot of previous trauma my previous partner died and I just have a fear of bringing any more added stress into my life. It took a heroic effort to rebuild my life. I’d still like a family no current children of my own, my fertility has been checked it is ok , eggs frozen but I’m also mindful of valuing my time though and being v selective, I guess more sure of whom I’m taking a chance with as yes there is a time pressure because I want kids. This new guy sees his children every second weekend and I’m concerned if we were committed and I moved into his I’d be doing all the mothering duties - cooking , house would never be clean with 3 boys running around. Especially if we had a child of our own you can’t just mind your child you’d have to cater for everyone. Sounds v selfish doesn’t it but it’s a realistic concern regarding the practicalities of life, I’ve had so much sadness and stress in my life I’m just nervy about getting involved then realising it’s too much But maybe I could be completely wrong maybe these dynamics bring an awful lot of happiness into people’s lives.. interesting on hearing others perspectives … Has anyone else committed to a situation like this and how does it pan out ?

hattie43 · 27/02/2025 20:20

I just would not do it . He has his hands full and you will always be second fiddle . The time , costs , disruption, noise , never being able to do anything 2 weekend out of 4.

Look for someone without baggage .

Ineedanotherholidaynow · 27/02/2025 20:22

Knowing what I know now, if I had my time again I would not get involved with someone with children from a prior relationship. At least not until they were adults but even then problems still persist

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 20:28

category12 · 27/02/2025 20:14

If the man isn't prepared to do his share of childcare or chooses to work family-unfriendly hours or to work away, maybe that's part of the reason the relationship collapsed in the first place 😁

Women work too and make choices about work/family/life balance; it only seems to be men that have the Big Important Jobs that can't possibly take a backseat.

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Not everyone can choose jobs quite so easily. And in any event in this hypothetical example we are taking about- dont have 3 kids with a man in that position in the first place then! It's not a competition about who has the kids the most. The sign of a good father is a lot more than just the amount of days he sees them. Although the way some women on here talk it seems their main priority is how many days a week they can get rid of their kids.

Shubbypubby · 27/02/2025 20:30

Why does he have his children so little? Not really a great dad if he only sees them once a fortnight.

category12 · 27/02/2025 20:41

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 20:28

Not everyone can choose jobs quite so easily. And in any event in this hypothetical example we are taking about- dont have 3 kids with a man in that position in the first place then! It's not a competition about who has the kids the most. The sign of a good father is a lot more than just the amount of days he sees them. Although the way some women on here talk it seems their main priority is how many days a week they can get rid of their kids.

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Or by the same token, maybe the man shouldn't have gone ahead and had 3 kids if he's not going to be around to help raise them?

bakedFishandChips · 27/02/2025 20:44

the perfect recipee for disaster LOL

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 20:50

category12 · 27/02/2025 20:41

Or by the same token, maybe the man shouldn't have gone ahead and had 3 kids if he's not going to be around to help raise them?

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He is around to raise them just not as often as the ex would like. His finances are also helping to raise them. Or would she prefer he was on benefits vegitating in front of the tv all day so he can def have the kids 50% of the time. Ordering mcd's deliveries and never taking them out on enriching days out. As long as he physically has the kids the correct number of days that's all that matters right?

bakedFishandChips · 27/02/2025 20:52

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 14:07

I wouldn't even date.

We choose who we fall in love with, and you make that choice BEFORE you fall.

and yes, it can be a fall. Better be a step up 😘

bakedFishandChips · 27/02/2025 20:55

Ineedanotherholidaynow · 27/02/2025 20:22

Knowing what I know now, if I had my time again I would not get involved with someone with children from a prior relationship. At least not until they were adults but even then problems still persist

i would not take anyone even with adult kids. Do not want fighting inheritance with them, nor have any ambition robbing them of their father unless he has one and is a widower and we completely blend, we each adopt our kids and fight this thing life together

Maxorias · 27/02/2025 21:03

OP, I have three kids myself, and I think your instincts are spot on.

If you have children with him you WILL become default childcare, you will have to pay for your child on your own because he'll have spent everything he has on the other three children, you will endlessly clean up after them, etc. You will be expected to drop everything to help with the step children but won't have the right to discipline them or implement rules.

If I were you I'd go the sperm donor route. I'm not just saying that, I did it. You have the rest of your life to date, and when you do it'll be on your own terms, not just because the clock is ticking and you can't afford to wait.

In fact you can even keep dating the current guy, just don't merge anything or move into his. You'll have your own quiet home to go back to on the week-ends when the step kids are there, and you can opt in or out of family outings with everyone together.

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:03

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 20:50

He is around to raise them just not as often as the ex would like. His finances are also helping to raise them. Or would she prefer he was on benefits vegitating in front of the tv all day so he can def have the kids 50% of the time. Ordering mcd's deliveries and never taking them out on enriching days out. As long as he physically has the kids the correct number of days that's all that matters right?

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It's hardly a straight choice between the dole and working away, there's a middle ground. 😂

BattIestar · 27/02/2025 21:04

Find someone without kids. You will be much better off.

Maxorias · 27/02/2025 21:05

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 20:50

He is around to raise them just not as often as the ex would like. His finances are also helping to raise them. Or would she prefer he was on benefits vegitating in front of the tv all day so he can def have the kids 50% of the time. Ordering mcd's deliveries and never taking them out on enriching days out. As long as he physically has the kids the correct number of days that's all that matters right?

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Are these really the only two options ? A dad who barely sees his kids or a useless benefit potatoe ? Why is the bar so much lower for men ?

And while I agree that a strict 50-50 isn't the only indicator of a good dad, there's still only so much a dad can do at a distance.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 21:08

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:03

It's hardly a straight choice between the dole and working away, there's a middle ground. 😂

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Absolutely, but to make the assumption he was a bad dad based solely on the number of days he saw his kids- I'm trying to point out that it shouldnt be based purely on that.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 21:08

Not everyone can choose jobs quite so easily.

Indeed @JoyDreamer86
And yet the RP would have absolutely zero choice in the type of job she they could get if the NRP decided he they were only going to do EOW.

You're using very negative language to talk about what is the majority of the time a woman simply trying to make sure her children still have a relationship with their father for their benefit and also so that she can work too. Parenting more equally than 93/7 between the 2 parents isn't exactly 'getting rid of the kids' or whatever you wrote.

Rfvvvv · 27/02/2025 21:13

Run.
There are so many threads on MN about the absolute misery of being recruited to be skivvy aupair to some man looking to avoid parenting their own children.
Often these woman have a child of their own but are then run ragged and miss out on the joy of their own baby, being expected to still do everything for his children.

Sadly many many men want free childcare.

I'd run if I were you.
Not worth it.

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 21:13

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2025 21:08

Not everyone can choose jobs quite so easily.

Indeed @JoyDreamer86
And yet the RP would have absolutely zero choice in the type of job she they could get if the NRP decided he they were only going to do EOW.

You're using very negative language to talk about what is the majority of the time a woman simply trying to make sure her children still have a relationship with their father for their benefit and also so that she can work too. Parenting more equally than 93/7 between the 2 parents isn't exactly 'getting rid of the kids' or whatever you wrote.

The bitterness about number of days each parent has the kids is quite often zero about wanting what's best for the kids. Getting rid of were the words i used deliberately in reference to how some of the posters on here describe being stuck with their kids. How terrible.

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:18

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 21:08

Absolutely, but to make the assumption he was a bad dad based solely on the number of days he saw his kids- I'm trying to point out that it shouldnt be based purely on that.

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It's not based solely on that, but if dad's input is one "enriching" weekend every other week, his contribution as a parent is not exactly great. It's the day to day, the mundane grind of domestic life and schoolwork and ferrying them about and reading them stories at night and knowing how their day went - he's missing out really.

Ineedanotherholidaynow · 27/02/2025 21:21

Very true. I think successful blended families are quite rare!

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 21:26

category12 · 27/02/2025 21:18

It's not based solely on that, but if dad's input is one "enriching" weekend every other week, his contribution as a parent is not exactly great. It's the day to day, the mundane grind of domestic life and schoolwork and ferrying them about and reading them stories at night and knowing how their day went - he's missing out really.

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My mum and dad split when I was 5. We spent the majority of time with mum, only seeing dad occassionally. Certainly no court dictated set days. We grew up in a lovely house in a lovely area. Big garden to play in. Fields nearby. Quiet streets to play about in. We had hobbies, good food, culture etc etc. She worked part time so was always home when we werent at school. My mum was open in saying she could not have afforded all that if it wasnt for dads payments from his good hardworking job. They were perfectly amicable all the time. Even when dad met someone it was always amicable for the benefit of myself and sister. I dont resent my dad for not being there as much as mum. We have a good relationship. My mum got on with it and did what was required as we were growing up.

livelovelough24 · 27/02/2025 23:20

If I were you, I would be looking for someone with no kids, to be honest.

SparklyDog · 28/02/2025 08:02

JoyDreamer86 · 27/02/2025 17:59

Woman chooses to have 3 kids then gets upset that she is "left with them". What a nice way to put it. But of course if he is rich that makes everything ok. And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

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Woman chooses to have 3 kids then gets upset that she is "left with them". What a nice way to put it.
He also chose to have them and he has left the mum to do 90% of the work. Nice is not a word I'd describe such a man.

And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

Mums adjust their career or give it up for children, if he can find the time to date then his work isn't that intense. If he is courting women then he is spending money on wooing women on dates so he either is frittering money that could be spent on his 3 kids or can afford to reduce work hours or change jobs and take less pay to see his kids more.

But of course if he is rich that makes everything ok.
Money makes a lot of things better, easier, more possible that's just a fact.

I read your reply later on and enrichment days out is just a way of him being so distracted with his kids by the activity he is like a tour guide or teacher on a school trip. A real parent does the day to day hard and boring bits not gets to prance in like a disney dad or fun uncle twice a month.

JoyDreamer86 · 28/02/2025 08:07

SparklyDog · 28/02/2025 08:02

Woman chooses to have 3 kids then gets upset that she is "left with them". What a nice way to put it.
He also chose to have them and he has left the mum to do 90% of the work. Nice is not a word I'd describe such a man.

And if the reason he cant see his kids all the time is due to having a job with long hours or being away from home then its only ok when they are a couple, but once they split he would be expected to quit said job despite the fact he is providing for his children.

Mums adjust their career or give it up for children, if he can find the time to date then his work isn't that intense. If he is courting women then he is spending money on wooing women on dates so he either is frittering money that could be spent on his 3 kids or can afford to reduce work hours or change jobs and take less pay to see his kids more.

But of course if he is rich that makes everything ok.
Money makes a lot of things better, easier, more possible that's just a fact.

I read your reply later on and enrichment days out is just a way of him being so distracted with his kids by the activity he is like a tour guide or teacher on a school trip. A real parent does the day to day hard and boring bits not gets to prance in like a disney dad or fun uncle twice a month.

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Is it really such a terrible thing if kids spend more time in the family home with their mother, who may also be down as the primary carer? Is it really so terrible?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2025 08:08

@JoyDreamer86
I'm going to take a guess that you don't have dc? Or if you do, you haven't got them through the teenage years yet to adulthood. It is extremely unlikely that you would hold the opinions you do if you knew anything at all about the reality of 24x7x52x20 care. It is also extremely unlikely that you would consider any man who only has his DC EOW a good man if you did.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/02/2025 08:10

@JoyDreamer86
Of course our dc are absolutely wonderful and loved. But they are also relentlessly hard work, really hard at times. Expecting the other parent to actually do some parenting isn't the terrible thing you're making it out to be.